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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit my daughter while she is on a school trip

203 replies

Rudolphina · 20/12/2011 22:09

My DD went on a school trip for a week, with the DD staying overnight with school for the first time ever. She was very keen on the trip. I sent her with a mobile phone and she called me every night and most mornings. She loved the trip activities but was feeling very lonely, homesick and isolated as it turned out none of her class went on the trip and it was all children from older years (she is in year 5).

She cried most nights saying she wanted to see me, so DH and myself went to see her. Our plan was to pop in and stay overnight for one evening (not with her but in the same hotel) so she could chat to us if she was sad. We had no plans to get involved with the trip or accompany her anywhere, our plan was just to spend a day visiting the local sights, but my DD would know I was there, be less stressed and be able to enjoy the rest of the trip. I only planned to stay one night and leave the next day with her hopefully feeling less lonely and reassured that if she needed us we would be there.

When I arrived at the hotel the teacher in charge met us in an absolute rage (we were stunned). We were told (repeatedly) if we had any contact with our DD, then that would break the 'loco parentis' agreement and we would have to take her home. The teacher was so angry it was beyond belief, saying I should have consulted her if I wished to come and visit.

My DD (who knew we were in the hotel, as we had told her we were going to 'pop in') was told by the same teacher that she was not allowed any contact with us. I spent the night with her on the phone from another room asking why we could not come down to see her.

We actually bumped into each other at one point and she ran away from me saying 'I have been told I am not allowed to see you'. I was quite devastated at this.

I returned home disgusted at the way the situation was handled by the teacher and would like to know if there is any justification for their position?

I have 'popped in' to see her on other school activities, for example there are netball weekends where I pop in to see how their team are doing, buy her lunch and just hang around watching the matches, cheering etc. No one has ever told me before that if I spoke to her then she would have to go home.

I appreciate any advice. My DH is arranging a meeting with the school head about it.

OP posts:
BeattieBow · 21/12/2011 07:20

my dds' school has week long trips in years 5 and 6. mobiles are banned. they wrote a letter to us on day 3 or 4 and we were allowed to write one back. It was v sweet.

I would have thought that phoning her every night and morning made her homesickness much more unbearable tbh. what a silly idea. I would be pissed off with you if I were the teacher too.

pickofthepops · 21/12/2011 07:22

I have visions of OP, real or not, looking like Kate Middleton's mum or Fergie, the ex royal one.

KittyFane · 21/12/2011 07:37

I don't believe this actually happened but when DD went on a weekend residential there was a girl who didn't stay over at all.
She dropped off every morning and picked up at night by her timid mother. Nobody batted an eyelid. except for me
Maybe (if the story in this thread is true) this parent was the same type.

KittyFane · 21/12/2011 07:38

I don't believe this actually happened - the story in this thread.

altinkum · 21/12/2011 07:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx · 21/12/2011 07:47

altinkum but the school are aware the volunteers are going to be there, they don't just turn up and stick their noses in.

There was no one else there in her class because it didn't happen.

altinkum · 21/12/2011 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moominsarescary · 21/12/2011 07:54

Ds2 went away with school last year, yr3 for 3 nights. We were told before hand not to send mobile phones or to turn up.

The school explained that they had to apply to take children away and one of the reasons they use is to promote independence.

If this is true you are crazy, if your dd was that upset you should have just arranged with the teachers to go fetch her

MamaMaiasaura · 21/12/2011 07:55

And this is exactly why on school trips our school doesn't allow the children mobile phones. Never understood it till reading this, as I would never ever consider doing what OP has done. I've a year 7, preschooler and newborn. Ds1 has been on residential trips and if they are struggling with homesickness the staff support them and if necessary contact parents. OP has totally undermined the teaching staff. I'd be bloody pissed off if I was the teacher.

YABU and also doing it on other trips too? How exactly is your daughter going to feel she fits in and get into the spirit of being away from home of you Molly coddle her so much?

MamaMaiasaura · 21/12/2011 07:57

And like Beattie we did letters and the sent us postcards. Was lovely

2blessed2bstressed · 21/12/2011 08:00

altinkum parent volunteers don't just "pop in" unexpectedly, and they're there to help, not undermine school.
I'm another struggling to see how OP can possibly think her behaviour was helpful to her daughter, how she didn't know beforehand that dd was only one from her class on trip, how mobile phone was allowed - all night, and how she thinks she has a genuine complaint with school now! Hmm

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 21/12/2011 08:01

Stop babying your DD.

Turning up at a residential trip is not the same as turning up to cheer on a netball match.

"I was quite devastated at this." Is this more about you than your DD? Is it you that was missing her and you who is unable to let go?

2blessed2bstressed · 21/12/2011 08:03

Plus....I doubt that teacher was quite as rude as OP suggests...I feel her view of the situation may be somewhat skewed.....

Whatmeworry · 21/12/2011 08:05

altinkum are you the OP ?

Finallygotaroundtoit · 21/12/2011 08:13

KittyFane, that child could have been a bedwetter? Dropped off in morning sounds like some issue with night time to me

MamaMaiasaura · 21/12/2011 08:14

2blessed - I think her view on reality is somewhat skewed

PieCherry · 21/12/2011 08:16

YABU, VERY! Overprotective, precious, and overbearing! Let her grow up!

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 21/12/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 08:23

Altkinmum: why should school be the one to flag up there was no one in the girls class going? I am surprised the child or parents hadn't figured that out. Ime before trips children talk of them loads yo each other. Surely they'd have realised? Besides that wouldn't bother one children anyway.

Dd is in y5. She's done residentials with school since y3. There is never any contact unless an emergency and then via teachers only. Mobiles are never allowed. Our only contact is if they put some photos or text up on the school website, which is nice. Contact makes home sickness far worse on almost every situation. I have never knwn of parent helpers for residentials.

Dd also did a PGL via brownies. Only 4 from her pack went and she didn't know them well. And for activities they were split anyway and were with brownies and guides from other packs. so not knowing others isn't always an issue so not something school needs to warn against. Besides in many schools children know others in different years too.

TuftyFinch · 21/12/2011 08:27

FrenchRuby cool Smile

Hulababy · 21/12/2011 08:29

Stranded

Yes if dd was very upset it woud bother me. in that case, Ime, the teacher would call us and see what could e one. If as distressed as in the op I would collect her and take her home, but organised va the teachers.

As for mobiles, Ime mobiles are never permitted. When I was younger they didn't exist anyway and we all coped. And if they or you don't think they can cope with no contact thn don't send them on the trip.

Fwiw I find the no contact hard as I like to speak to dd if she is away. But it is fine, and dd is so busy having fun anyway. I always write dd a note for under her pillow which she likes. But generally no contact is by far best for the child.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 08:30

If it is a serious post, and you really did this, then I would go into school and apologise and say that it was an error of judgement and you will never do it again. Your poor DD-how could you do it to her? I know that some parents are over protective, but that is overprotective to a silly degree.
Most schools sensibly ban even phone calls.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 08:33

BUT I can see why she did it, if my DD was calling me in tears everynight I'd want to be there, and anyone that says they wouldn't is lying.

The really sensible reason for not having phone calls. The school will contact you if the DC can't cope. I have a residential visit where one DD's parents had to be called after the first night.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 08:35

It is also another example of a parent only seeing the picture for their one DC. She is part of a class-what about the wider picture-the one the teacher sees-does the effect on the rest of the class not matter-does OP even care about it?

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 08:36

I would also apologise to DD who will never live it down!

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