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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit my daughter while she is on a school trip

203 replies

Rudolphina · 20/12/2011 22:09

My DD went on a school trip for a week, with the DD staying overnight with school for the first time ever. She was very keen on the trip. I sent her with a mobile phone and she called me every night and most mornings. She loved the trip activities but was feeling very lonely, homesick and isolated as it turned out none of her class went on the trip and it was all children from older years (she is in year 5).

She cried most nights saying she wanted to see me, so DH and myself went to see her. Our plan was to pop in and stay overnight for one evening (not with her but in the same hotel) so she could chat to us if she was sad. We had no plans to get involved with the trip or accompany her anywhere, our plan was just to spend a day visiting the local sights, but my DD would know I was there, be less stressed and be able to enjoy the rest of the trip. I only planned to stay one night and leave the next day with her hopefully feeling less lonely and reassured that if she needed us we would be there.

When I arrived at the hotel the teacher in charge met us in an absolute rage (we were stunned). We were told (repeatedly) if we had any contact with our DD, then that would break the 'loco parentis' agreement and we would have to take her home. The teacher was so angry it was beyond belief, saying I should have consulted her if I wished to come and visit.

My DD (who knew we were in the hotel, as we had told her we were going to 'pop in') was told by the same teacher that she was not allowed any contact with us. I spent the night with her on the phone from another room asking why we could not come down to see her.

We actually bumped into each other at one point and she ran away from me saying 'I have been told I am not allowed to see you'. I was quite devastated at this.

I returned home disgusted at the way the situation was handled by the teacher and would like to know if there is any justification for their position?

I have 'popped in' to see her on other school activities, for example there are netball weekends where I pop in to see how their team are doing, buy her lunch and just hang around watching the matches, cheering etc. No one has ever told me before that if I spoke to her then she would have to go home.

I appreciate any advice. My DH is arranging a meeting with the school head about it.

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 20/12/2011 22:25

I can see your point that as you had booked in and turned up then the teacher could have let you see dd. However, from the teachers perspective it would be a nightmare having parents turn up unannounced. It could cause problems if your dd goes off to meet you and there's a fire or other roll call and your dd isn't there. I can understand it must be heartbreaking to hear your dd upset but in future I'd definately speak to the teacher in charge before even considering turning up.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 20/12/2011 22:25

Oh lordy, you are being utterly madly U.

Why didn't you check if others of her class were going beforehand? Strikes me as very weird. if the whole thing isn't a complete fairy tale

You have succeeded in alienating school and making things far more upsetting for your daughter.

Well done.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/12/2011 22:26

I think it is a bit odd that you showed up and stayed up the road. Not outrageous but a bit strange that you didn't contact the teacher in charge and let him/her know that you were thinking of doing that. It did put the teacher and your DD in a difficult position. However, I think given that you had arrived like that it was a bit odd for the teacher not to allow you any contact with your DD! I think in the teachers position I would've asked you and your DD to talk about whether she actually wanted to remain on the trip or to leave with you. It would be very annoying to have parents sort of popping in at various times over the week.

CarolCervix · 20/12/2011 22:27

bollocks.

CarolCervix · 20/12/2011 22:27

or bonkers.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 20/12/2011 22:28

How many children were on the trip? Imagine if all their parents turned up!

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 20/12/2011 22:29

Bloody hell MN is entertaining tonight Xmas Grin.

All been on the egg-nog if you ask me.

MrsTeddy · 20/12/2011 22:31

Sadly I took this post seriously and replied onyour other thread in Legal. As I said there, and as others have said, there are good reasons for discouraging "popping in" and although the school seem not to have handled it very well I think their reasoning is sound.

baubleybobbityhat · 20/12/2011 22:31

I do not believe this is real. My primary age children are not allowed phone contact with their parents during school trips.

Bogeyface · 20/12/2011 22:32

either this is a wind up, and I truly hope it is.

Or the worst case of over protective parenting I have ever heard of and you need SERIOUS help. I am not joking.

toddlerama · 20/12/2011 22:36

I can't believe the roasting the OP is getting! The teacher might not like it, but how she responds to her daughter is her choice as a parent! She wasn't joining in on the trip, she was in the same building. Tough titties if school don't like it. It didn't need to be made into a trauma for her DD, she could have said hi, given her a hug and let her get on with it. Instead it turned into "I'm not allowed to speak to my mum" ridiculousness. What a power trip...

LeQueen · 20/12/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 22:41

The teacher might not like it, but how she responds to her daughter is her choice as a parent!

Wrong! Not on a school trip.

As a parent she has given the school loco parentis status...therefore she can't just march in any time she pleases to make her self child feel better.

The parents should have spoken to the teacher about any concerns they had.

niceguy2 · 20/12/2011 22:41

Seriously!?!?! Seriously!?!?!

Words fail me. This either is a wind up or this poor child has the worst helicopter parents I've ever heard of.

I'm gonna assume piss take for now unless OP comes back. Given the roasting she's being given, I doubt it somehow.

RomanChristingle · 20/12/2011 22:45

I think the teacher has acted badly but you have put them in a difficult situation. This wasn't an accompanied trip - I can quite see why they don't want parents to think they can just turn up. If I thought my child was that upset I would offer to collect them and take them home. I certainly wouldn't turn up without discussing it with the staff. I bet they now have other kids wondering why their parents couldn't come.

FabbyChic · 20/12/2011 22:46

It it April 1st already>

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 22:48

My kids were told no mobiles on school trips and parents were told not to come and visit. If they thought their child would get homesick then they shouldn't send the child on the trip. Ringing mummy and having mummy visiting just makes it worse. They are either mature enough to go on a residential trip or they aren't. Make your mind up. Same with brownie camps/ cadet week etc.

NormanTebbit · 20/12/2011 22:51

Can you imagine the effect on the other kids? The homesick ones would want their mummy too and the non-homesick ones will just take the piss.

Parenting is helping your child grow up and part of that is knowing when to step back let them overcome difficulties themselves.

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/12/2011 22:51

Can't be a private school - they all broke up a while ago.

Whatmeworry · 20/12/2011 22:51

Must be a wind up, but those defending the OP are too funny inn a very sad sort of way.

Am marking names for Cotton Wool Parents Of the Year competition :o

TheSecondComing · 20/12/2011 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShengdanRoad · 20/12/2011 22:51

I feel so sorry for your daughter, OP. This is exactly the sort of stunt my own overbearing mother pulled on me, and I ended up moving halfway across the world to escape.

2rebecca · 20/12/2011 22:51

Agree most residential school trips are in summer though, except ski trips and you can hardly pop in overnight for those.

edam · 20/12/2011 22:52

Wow. If this is real, you are, um, a tad over-the-top. Do you not think the teacher has other children to look after as well - children who may be very unsettled if someone else's parents are allowed to join in when their's aren't? Did you think about the effect on the group of you distracting the teacher? Do you not worry about turning your dd into a target for bullies?

shineypenny · 20/12/2011 22:52

Are you going to hold her hand and walk her to senior school?
Pop in on her lesson if she's forgotten her homework?
Sit in the back of the car during her driving lessons/test?
Sit in on her uni/college/job interviews?

School trips are an important part of growing up and gaining independence. She is Year 5 not Reception. You have to let her get on with it.

I agree with the others that she should not have taken her mobile phone, it hasn't really helped has it?