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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To visit my daughter while she is on a school trip

203 replies

Rudolphina · 20/12/2011 22:09

My DD went on a school trip for a week, with the DD staying overnight with school for the first time ever. She was very keen on the trip. I sent her with a mobile phone and she called me every night and most mornings. She loved the trip activities but was feeling very lonely, homesick and isolated as it turned out none of her class went on the trip and it was all children from older years (she is in year 5).

She cried most nights saying she wanted to see me, so DH and myself went to see her. Our plan was to pop in and stay overnight for one evening (not with her but in the same hotel) so she could chat to us if she was sad. We had no plans to get involved with the trip or accompany her anywhere, our plan was just to spend a day visiting the local sights, but my DD would know I was there, be less stressed and be able to enjoy the rest of the trip. I only planned to stay one night and leave the next day with her hopefully feeling less lonely and reassured that if she needed us we would be there.

When I arrived at the hotel the teacher in charge met us in an absolute rage (we were stunned). We were told (repeatedly) if we had any contact with our DD, then that would break the 'loco parentis' agreement and we would have to take her home. The teacher was so angry it was beyond belief, saying I should have consulted her if I wished to come and visit.

My DD (who knew we were in the hotel, as we had told her we were going to 'pop in') was told by the same teacher that she was not allowed any contact with us. I spent the night with her on the phone from another room asking why we could not come down to see her.

We actually bumped into each other at one point and she ran away from me saying 'I have been told I am not allowed to see you'. I was quite devastated at this.

I returned home disgusted at the way the situation was handled by the teacher and would like to know if there is any justification for their position?

I have 'popped in' to see her on other school activities, for example there are netball weekends where I pop in to see how their team are doing, buy her lunch and just hang around watching the matches, cheering etc. No one has ever told me before that if I spoke to her then she would have to go home.

I appreciate any advice. My DH is arranging a meeting with the school head about it.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2011 00:27

I barred myself from the Xmas name change competition since I won it last year < polishes fingernails on collar of dressing gown >

it was a landslide victory, so I'm told...

RomanChristingle · 21/12/2011 00:30

Oooh what d'you get - or is it just the glory of winning?

RomanChristingle · 21/12/2011 00:30

May as well chat amongst ourselves I doubt the op's coming back!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2011 00:32

MNHQ sent me some rather lovely chocolate truffles

I think JustineMN had won them at a raffle or something

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2011 00:34

I'd better go to bed actually

There will be no more excitement here, methinks

Roman think of me on xmas day Xmas Wink

Bogeyface · 21/12/2011 00:34

As an aside, I have 6 children and 3 of them have been on residential trips to 5 different places.

ALL of them have sent instructions saying that mobile phones are not allowed and anyway, there is no signal where they are! Really? ALL of them?!

I wouldnt send them with a mobile anyway as I am a bit "sink or swim" when it comes to trips away, but it did make me laugh that they all said there was no signal just to make sure that the helicopters didnt send one anway!

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 00:36

Don't you just want someone to rush in now saying 'I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say what a dreadful teacher blah blah ...'

I love truffles, me.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 00:38

I imagine there's a parent out there somewhere building a phone mast under cover of darkness next to their pfb's next likely school trip venue.

AgnesBligg · 21/12/2011 00:50

Poor dd and Op you have got a right bashing on here.

Does your dd have problems getting on with others normally? I'm wondering if you have concerns about her normally? Going to the hotel is a bit extreme, but I am assuming you hoped she would be fine and then worried after her calls to you. The teacher sounds weird shouting the odds, and were they concerned with the one in the group without class friends at all?

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 00:54

Agnes, I think you must be deranged and from Hampstead. If they are even mutually exclusive these days.

AgnesBligg · 21/12/2011 01:08

Yes! Am in Hampstead, christ do you know me? Xmas Grin

TuftyFinch · 21/12/2011 01:09

I once went on a pony trekking holiday with the school. My mum was so worried she bought a pony, had it taken to the outward bound centre and insisted I only be allowed on that pony.

empirestateofmind · 21/12/2011 01:14

Wow Tufty Xmas Shock

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 01:14

My mother bought Klosters.

Agnes, yes! You are the one with the funny Dalmation. Xmas Grin

empirestateofmind · 21/12/2011 01:19

OP YWBVVVVVVU as if you had any worries about your DD being away from you you should have organised some practice nights away. Or not sent her on the trip.

She should not have had her phone with her. Talking to you will have made things worse not better. As for turning up at the hotel - I am speechless.

For goodness sake don't do a stunt like this when she is at secondary, she will never live it down.

empirestateofmind · 21/12/2011 01:20

Tufty I fell for that one- you were joking weren't you?

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 01:21

I think I am somehow to blame here, empire. That happens to me a lot.

TuftyFinch · 21/12/2011 01:30

Yes, I was joking Grin sorry. I did go on a pony trekking holiday with the school when I was 11 though.

My mum would no more have shown up there, or bought a pony, than Johnny Cash would've visited.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 21/12/2011 01:33

I love Johnny Cash.

BigBaubledBertha · 21/12/2011 01:36

Since the OP hasn't been back I shall assume it is a wind up but just to add my two pennies worth when my DS1 was in Yr 5 he went on residential for a week and got snowed in. He was distraught - if he wasn't actively engaged in something he got upset and needed a lot of reassurance and from what I can gather he asked to come home at every opportunity. He has mild Aspergers so tends to get fixated on things. He didn't much want to go in the first place but there was pressure on us to 'allow' him his independence so he went. As he didn't want to be there anyway, the prospect on perhaps not being able to get home because of the snow made it all 10 times worse - in short he was very homesick.

He wasn't allowed to speak to me, I knew about all this through the teacher and we agreed that speaking to him would only make it worse. There was nothing I could do for him anyway because of the weather. If I went down to see him it would be to pick him up only which makes total sense to me. Anyway, going to see your DD unannounced, knowing she was already upset and homesick, just strikes me as madness. Why would you want to make things worse for your DD? I am not surprised the teacher was angry - you made her job so much harder.

The only thing I feel a bit sorry for your over was that your DD wasn't allowed to speak to you even when she saw you. That is a bit sad for your DD but then on the other hand, if you hadn't turned up unannounced you wouldn't have put your DD in that position, wouldn't you?!

I agree that the norm is no mobile phones too, not that many 9 yr olds have them round here, so the only contact any of the parents were allowed with the children was a letter, posted to the study centre to arrive mid week. They did used to invite parents down for the last evening so the children could show them the work but the children were so upset by this (and probably the parents) that they stopped it but I have yet to meet a parents whose child went on one of those trips who felt comfortable about going yet you couldn't not go because then your child would feel worse!

TuftyFinch · 21/12/2011 01:37

Johnny Cash should be an adjective.

LapsedPacifist · 21/12/2011 01:46

This has to be a crap private school scenario or a wind up. Mobiles are banned on ALL school residential trips.

Actually, it's just crap. We don't live in a totalitarian state, regardless of what the Daily Mail tells us. Schools are not allowed to "take away" our children or, FFS, FORBID contact with our child in when visiting the same hotel!

FrenchRuby · 21/12/2011 01:48

I love Johnny Cash
I have a Johnny Cash tattoo :)

nicknamenotinuse · 21/12/2011 07:11

what did you send her on a school trip for, age 5, with a bunch of older kids??You sound like you give a shit about your daughter on the one hand and then you've done this to a girl who gets lonely and misses you so it looks like you don't (give a shit, that is). WTAF.

Kbear · 21/12/2011 07:14

(year 5, not aged 5. probably aged 10) - still reading rest of thread but think bad idea to visit.