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AIBU?

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Original poster

a lot of churches are unfriendly and christianity can be hypocritical

138 replies

boglach · 20/12/2011 20:48

My ds carol service today. i took my 2 year old dd. she didn't sit perfectly still no, but neither was she loud or badly behaved. i was getting dirty looks.

now excuse me but i was under the impression that jesus was supposed to have loved children and that churches should welcome families?

also when i was younger i tried to find god. i went to a couple of churches which were most exclusive and unfriendly so i rapidly lost faith.

sometimes christianity feels like another clique. if your face fits then fine.

What a pile of tosh

OP posts:
Original poster
boglach · 20/12/2011 23:22

Oops think i just used the wrong word. tired must go to bed

OP posts:
Angelswings · 20/12/2011 23:29

Sleep well.

ChristmasCakeOclock · 20/12/2011 23:34

Depends on the church I go to a lovely (catholic) church where the priest loves the little kids going mad and shouting. Thank goodness he saw the funny side when dd got her head stuck under a pew Xmas Blush

However I did go to a christening at another church where the vicar made it clear that if your kids made any noise you should leave. I was glad I had left ds with the grandparents that day!

tigerlillyd02 · 20/12/2011 23:38

I take my 2 year old to occasional church services. And I expect him to behave and keep quiet. If he didn't I'd leave. And if I knew in advance that he would not sit I wouldn't take him in the first place. It's like going anywhere really. Not everyone wants to listen to your kid talking over a service and roaming around distracting everyone else. Having a toddler doesn't give you an automatic right to ruin things for others.

The CofE church here has some services dedicated to young children and a childrens carol service near Christmas. At these it would be expected that there are children making a noise. When I choose to take him to a more adult service - such as a rememberence service we attended a few weeks ago, it is my responsibility to ensure he behaves.

hiddenhome · 20/12/2011 23:44

seems that catholics are family friendly and CofE are miserable buggers Grin

ChristmasCakeOclock · 20/12/2011 23:48

Really depends on the priest/vicar. The catholic priest who ran our parish before the lovely new priest arrived used to stop talking and give noisy kids the death stare until they left. Funny how attendance has tripled since he left Xmas Grin

hiddenhome · 20/12/2011 23:52

I find the catholics a lot more tolerant and relaxed. The CofE lot seem so uptight and full of themselves.

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 20/12/2011 23:52

I took DD (2) to a carol service the other night.

Now, I'm not very keen on churchiness at the best of times, so was a bit sceptical about taking her, especially past her bedtime. We sat near the door, at the front, next to the aisle. When the music started, she pulled out her ribbons and danced in the aisle. I let her, as she wasn't upsetting anyone. When she went to the front and started breakdancing, I got a bit anxious. She shrieked, and I took her out until she calmed down again.

I was very embarrassed, but have had so many people since come and tell me how delightful she was to watch. So, I have learnt that churchy people can sometimes surprise you with their tolerance levels!

MyChildDoesntNeedSleepAtXmas · 20/12/2011 23:55

I agree with everything you said tigerlilly

SDeuchars · 21/12/2011 00:06

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops, were you at my (United Reformed) church? We had a 2yo like that (I know her because I help at the toddler group). She wandered around the church and I was watching her only because we had freestanding candleholders with seven or eight candles each and I wanted to make sure she didn't get into danger. There were about 16 children in our congregation on Sunday evening and we served mince-pies and drinks afterwards. To let her mum have a drink, my 17yo DS walked round and round after her Xmas Smile. Then a bunch of us went along to the pub and sang carols for another hour.

3inABIRDsnest · 21/12/2011 00:09

I am sorry you had a bad experience op. I have not read the whole thread, but I wanted to answer you. Churches vary, people vary, services vary, and the last thing any church or Christian should claim is that they are perfect. It is both wonderful and very, very difficult if you set out to emulate Jesus, who even many non-Christians would agree was a Very Good Person - and who to Christians is the most fully-human person ever. It means we sort of are bound to fail, and also that we are always judged against perfection!

So I wanted to say, sorry. We screw up. Some of us get it wrong. The thing is, Jesus tends to attract the people who screw up - which is why so many churches are full of people with issues. Because even when we fail to welcome each other, or you, or children, or gay people, or whoever... He still welcomes us. The thing is, being a Christian does not straight away make you into a perfect person. It just means you have recognised you are NOT perfect - and have fallen in love with someone who is.

So, please do not judge us too harshly. We're just a load of people who have screwed up, trying to be more like the one person who never did. And please forgive us that we did not welcome you.

GrimmaTheNome · 21/12/2011 00:16

what about children/people with learning difficulties? should they be excluded if their disability causes them to shout out, flap, moan etc

I saw that happen once. Wasn't even a formal church service, but someone with a reputation as a fine lay preacher at some ecumenical event didn't like the noises coming from my friend's profoundly disabled child distracting from his exposition on The Word of God and asked them to leave. My friend was hugely embarrassed - everyone else thought it was bloody awful but unfortunately no-one had the balls to challenge the jumped up little twerp. (oh, and he was a GP so he should have had a bit of awareness of disability).

twinklingfairy · 21/12/2011 00:24

I am looking to go to another church because I find my catholic church is not so welcoming for children.
The priest clearly struggles if they make a sound, though he knows he needs to accept and tolerate them, he finds that difficult to actually do to the point that I am not comfortable going.
My local Church of Scotland has been lovely to attend. I immediately felt at peace when I walked in the door.
So I would not agree that "seems that catholics are family friendly and CofE are miserable buggers" or "I find the catholics a lot more tolerant and relaxed. The CofE lot seem so uptight and full of themselves."
I am assuming that C of E pretty much equates to C of S?

So I guess it depends on the priest, the people attending and luck.
People are people regardless of what label they want to attach to their belief structure, you get good ones and not so good ones.
But I would give it another go, if you think it is important and can't find a better fit elsewhere. You never know..............

Sirzy · 21/12/2011 05:38

My experience of catholic churches is they are much less welcoming that c of e churches generally.

AChickenCalledKorma · 21/12/2011 08:40

Frankly, it has nothing to do with denomination. Some CofE churches friendly and welcoming, some are not. Likewise Catholics. Likewise all the others (FWIW, my church which I described above is Methodist, but I do know Methodist churches where it would have been harder to take a small child.) People are flawed and churches are often full of older people who have been brought up with a "seen and not heard" attitude that they find hard to shake off.

lolaflores · 21/12/2011 08:47

ameryscott not a very christian thing to say

KittyFane · 21/12/2011 08:52

I agree with you OP. My family were firmly in the church 'clique' when I was growing up. I grew up and moved away, I am still seen as a stranger despite going to the same one now for 5 years.

nizlopi · 21/12/2011 09:14

I wouldn't judge an entire group of people based on a few arseholes.

GrimmaTheNome · 21/12/2011 10:13

I wouldn't judge an entire group of people based on a few arseholes.
The OP didn't. 'A lot', 'can', 'sometimes'.

AnneTwacky · 21/12/2011 11:39

Sad to hear you had a bad experience OP.

I like to think our church is pretty inclusive of kids and sympathetic that it's hard for them to keep still. DD spent the whole carol service dancing around and nobody batted an eyelid.

I will keep your post in mind though and try to make an extra effort because I really don't want people who visit/ come to our church for the first time to leave with the same impression as you.

jandymaccomesback · 21/12/2011 11:55

YANBU Churches can be just as you describe. Having been a practising Christian for most of my life I agree with you. It hasn't stopped me having faith,but made me think about how I come across (sometimes badly I have to admit). Taking children to some Churches is always going to be difficult. I went to a Christening once where there was a big sign instructing parents to keep their children silent during the Mass. Wouldn't go back there in a hurry, but would look for a more family friendly one.
Looking for, and finding God, doesn't only depend on Church attendance.

OhdearNigel · 21/12/2011 12:13

We used to attend a church that became increasingly unfriendly to anyone who did not fit the new vicar's idea of piety. We no longer go - and the congregation has dwindled and dwindled. We now go to a church where we were made to feel incredibly welcome, warts and all. Our nativity service last week had children running amok, the vicar playing an electric guitar and having to shout his sermon over the noise - but he loves it. A noisy church full of children is a thriving church. Churches filled with snooty 90 year olds reciting from the Book of Common Prayer die.

OP, I agree with you that many congregations can be offputting; however it sounds that you possibly are not ready if a one-off incident has put you off entirely. You need to try and find a church where there are lots of kids and young families.

OhdearNigel · 21/12/2011 12:16

"seems that catholics are family friendly"

With the no-contraception situation they hardly have a choice Wink

buggyRunner · 21/12/2011 12:19

Op think you have just had a bad luck visit- my church is brilliant and v child friendly. Dd1 is 2.5 and has been known to take her picture (there are colouring tables at the front to keep kids busy) to the vicar mid service interrupting everything and he was lovely.
Honestly the real christians wouldn't have had a problem with itSmile

KellyKettle · 21/12/2011 12:33

Lovely post from 3inaBirdsNest

The church we attended in Yorkshire before we moved away made you feel like family. They went out of their way to welcome new faces.

I was talking about it with the vicar one day and he said it wasn't always that way, they had done a survey and feedback had said the church wasn't very welcoming.

Our local church here is cliquey and people don't smile or make eye contact. It makes me appreciate my old church even more.