to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

[Iloveagoodroast]

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

Everyone here is so concerned about the SD here, but hardly anyone has mentioned the DD (except to lecture the OP about taking her to A&E and disbelieving her on what the GP said). The DD only really sees her father 1 day a week, the same day as the SD. Exactly how is it fair to DD if the DH spent Sundays with SD only?

And those who are telling the OP that she should love her SD just like she loves her own DD, that just is not the reality for most situations. All she ever sees is a sullen child, 1 day a week, very, very difficult to 'love' such a child. Give the op credit, she is trying very hard to welcome SD. To pretend she 'loves' her as much as she loves her own DD would be completely false. SD isn't expected to love her like her own mum, is she??!!

And if they only have her 1 day a week, it's a bit hard to get counselling or do any of those things. The ONLY action within their power is to either exclude her, have the DH spend time with SD away from the rest of the family, or never, ever leave her alone with DD and the OP. Anything else would probably have SD's mother refusing to let them have any access. They are the part time family, they have very limited ability to address these issues.

Not at all comparable to a situation if it was the OPs older DD doing this, because that situation would be within the OP's control, and she would have the ability to actually do something about it.

SD clearly needs some professional help to help her deal with her feelings. You need to either speak to her GP or contact SS. I can't help feeling it's SD who is being neglected here and not the OP's DD. Why haven't either DH or SD's mum sought help for a cleary suffering/disturbed child?

I wonder how happy the SD is in her mum's home.

OP, does your SD know that her mum left her dad?

I agree with the posters who find it strange that just because SD is "lost, confused, jealous, angry" etc etc that this behaviour is almost being excused and turned around to try and blame OP for not being a good enough SM! Whilst all this may be true it doesn't excuse her behaviour at all just because shes 10 - its this type of attitude that doesn't help children grow up and learn the consequences of their own actions and their own responsibilities.

Clearly the little girl needs professional help - step families are very common these days and whereas Im sure a lot of the children involved resent their parents new partner this is not normal and posters going on about "getting carted off to a shrink" don't help either - she needs help and she needs it now.

Whether the OPs DSDs Mum would agree is another matter of course, particularly if - and I suspect she has been influential in her daughters negative attitude to Dads new family.

Angry children with emotional problems grow up into angry adults with emotional problems. Children at 10 can be held criminally responsible for their actions - I'm not saying this girl is going to go on to do anything worse or not because of course I don't know but saying children don't intentionally set out to hurt someone is naive at best - there have been quite a few high profile cases that prove this wrong.

rink obviously i would not/do not want to kill her, hence the asterix at the end of my OP! It was written in anger, but yes, it was probably ott.

hidden beechams all in one

ChitChattingElf speaks sense here.

And the op made it clear she didn't mean literally kill her DSD. And she also stated that she hated the behaviour NOT THE DSD.

It is very difficult to show love and affection to a stepchild who's behaviour is awful and who shows you no respect.

Has anyone said the OP isn't a good stepmum?

imperial i don't know is the honest answer! She was only 6 months old so i doubt it, but it has never been mentioned by her or in front of her.

nkf no but the implication in some posts is clearly there - OP should be "doing more" to help SD feel more part of the family.

Rinkadinkpink too harsh. If any child starting handing medicine to my kids I would kick off and no I wouldnt be pleased. It could be my own biological son and I would want to murder him. This isnt a step versus biological row so perhaps you need to delay discussing your dislike of steps right now.

OP this child clearly has some very serious issues indeed and whilst I understand your anger, happy, stable, well adjusted children who feel welcome in their homes do NOT behave this way. The only thing I agree with rinkadink on is that her behaviour is absolutely the responsibility of both of her parents who should both be very concerned at this display of acting out indeed. What did your dh do when she shrugged her shoulders - this is very much his problem and is very much needed to be dealt with by both and sanctioning her presence in what should be the family home, whilst understandable and tempting is not going to help.

She is over the age of criminal responsibility I believe - take your daughter to the hospital now and warn both her parents that should any harm have come to your daughter you will have no choice but to inform the police and social services. You will undoubtedly also have to ask yourself some pretty tough questions as well though. HAVE you treated her the same. HAVE you been irresponsible in leaving a ten year old in a position where she could access medication in this quantity and feed it to a small child unsupervised for quite some time by the sounds of it. Becuase I assure you those questions need asking and none of you can escape responsibility for this as far as I am concerned.

A few have actually, nkf.

Well if you getting into relationship where step children are involved you should expect it can get difficult at times. That's why you should do all you can to make things work.

altinkum-posters had no problem labelling the dsd as "evil" though did they? interesting that they dont like it when the tables are turned isnt it?

I disagree a million % that the dsd isnt an equal-tis very likely the fact that she knows very well that she is not considered that- has led to this destructive behaviour. But lets not let that get in the way of op playing happy families without dsd eh?

First thing her father should do, as he's done the shouting bit and had a chance to calm down is get off work early, sit down at home with her whilst you're over at your mum's or somewhere and give his daughter a cuddle and tell her that HE LOVES HER.

Then he should talk to her mother and agree a united front, or at least try - no matter how hard that is.

Why has he given in so easily about Thursday? I know relationships with an ex can be a minefield, but I think your SD is sent the wring message if her overnight is stopped.

I really would start by MAKING time for her (annual or unpaid leave) and talking to her. That has to be him, not you. I know it's not easy to give up working hours, and sometimes it really is impossible. But his daughter needs him, and 6 days a week is a lot.

I also think she needs to be punished by the way. But mostly she needs to be reassured that he loves her.

I saw a lot of criticism of not going straight to A&E and some silliness about taking the want to kill statement seriously but that's about it.

I am also a nurse and agree with hiddenhome.

I would be livid in your position.

My ds1 is 11 and his dad has a baby with someone else. I cannot comprehend him trying to hurt this other child.

PS I do know how it feels btw - I have a step son who bullies my two horribly but he has never taken it this far - this is well beyond normal step behaviour and is really, really worrying. Its also not your fault but unfortunately it is your responsibility when she is in your care so serious action needs to be taken - for her sake as much as anything else. And i do think that if she continues to attempt to hurt your child to this level you need to not let her near her. End of story.

Who said dsd was evil?! I didn't see that, I saw people like you saying it had been said

Please quote.

We said she needed help and assistance to talk through her feelings. She can't be excused of everything because of a bad home set up. She needs help

See I'd do exactly as prettyfly says - fuck the buggering about and posting on MN and fannying around phoning GP. WHY are you not at A & E (no matter what the GP says - he can't diagnose over the phone for fuck's sake!). Why are you not in touch with SS? Damn sure I would have been. Why not take police advice? Too much willying about going on here - if this story is even true - this is a very serious matter and there should be less of the whys and wherefores and more, much much more, of the action to bring this to a head and get the SD the help she so clearly needs.

Hi,

I hope your DD is ok and that she doesn't get really ill from all of this. I know you are in a really scary place right now, ut get advice from NHS Direct and see what they say.

When my brother was 8 and my sister was 6 he made her "ribena" from paint, thinners and all the other things he could find in the garage when my DM hd the decorators in. Maybe not the same here as there are obvious signs of jealousy here, but maybe a thought that it might be a silly game that went horrendously wrong. Now you know you have to keep the medicines under lock and key, do so. Think of it as baby-proofing your house, but this time the baby isn't 1.5, she's 10 so more capable of climbing, keep harmful products under lock and key if you have to. That way you can have a little bit of peace of mind.

I am the product of a split marriage and I have 2 older DBs and an older DS from my mums first marriage. Things weren't always hunky dory. My eldest DB moved out to his dads and my DS was quite jealous of me. We're born on the same day but 6 years apart, who stole her thunder? me! We only have a relationship now we are older. I do feel that there was some separation in our lives, they went to thier dads, I went to my GPs and I dindt understand why, it has caused a great effect on how me and DS view ourselves and others around us. Our insecurities and negatives are greatly drawn upon this experience.

However, this is just my view of all of this. I agree with many of the posters who are stating that DSD needs to spend more quality time with her dad, didn't you say he comes in at 8 at the weekend, and so she is in bed by that time? Why not let her stay up a little later so she can see him? This is all behaviour that is screaming "look at me" and whilst I don't condone the bad behaviour with treats, she is still a baby at 10 years old and whilst she should know better, she does also need some love and attention to discover what it is that isi truely worrying her or something else.

The OW sounds like a horrendous nightmare and I really don't envy your position but I do think that maybe DH should look at possibly reducing some hours, if he can so that the overnight stay on Friday could happen again, money may be an issue or something else, but everyone who has read this message (or most at least) have stated that this is a little girl who seems to missing her daddy a great deal and her SM is not cutting the mustard in the replacement.

I hope your Christmas is ok and not too stressful for you and DSD gets a little easier to understand and love.

christmasfuckers "that is why you should do all you can to make things work"
Have you read any of my posts on this thread?! I'll ask again, what more can i do?! Really, please tell me because I have no idea and you clearly do.

altinkum she is perfectly behaved around her dad. Well not perfect, but a million times better than she is toward me!

Given the split was three years before you and DH met, I wonder why DSD's DM is being so vindictive.

OP you need to get to A&E. Then you need to arrange family counselling to get to the bottom of the anger this little girl is harbouring.

Until a genuine apology has been received and the counsellor is happy that the girls can be together I would not want DSD near my DD.

Your DH should see her at the house when you and DD are out or at another venue.