Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 18 19 20

Original poster

to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

479 replies

Iloveagoodroast · 20/12/2011 14:01

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 19:05

it's the nature v. nurture debate. It's not always easy to know.

I don't think that it really matters-her DH is responsible for both. If the 10yr old is a sociopath, it is just as likely that her little sister is-it is half of the same gene pool.
I think that it is the way she has been treated. As someone has pointed out, she was little more than a baby when she met OP, who had at least a year with her before her sister was born. I would be interested to know what the relationship was like before then, how much time she spent on her own with her DSD getting to know her and building up a relationship- that had nothing to do with DH. When you read on here about the jealousy issues that people have with a much loved older DC and a new sibling it is hardly surprising that you have it here. Only last week two posters started threads where they were tearing their hair out because they couldn't leave a 2 or 3 yr old with the baby. I don't recall anyone demonising the elder one.
If families with 2 DCs and 2 biological parents, who are there all the time, have this problem it is entirely likely that it will be at least twice as bad when one DC isn't there all the time, picks up the vibes that she isn't part of the family and has to see a younger sibling get far more of her father's attention than she does.
I am sure that it OP was divorced and her DD was going to her ex and his new partner and new DC she would be absolutely spitting mad if her DC was treated like that!

loopsylou · 21/12/2011 20:42

I would tel that poisenous little child exactly what I felt and ask DH to take her out instead of inviting her to your house. It is YOUR life, and it should not be run by a child that is really nothing to do with you.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 21/12/2011 20:45

not sure you can describe a child as poisonous.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 20:53

Good grief! She married a man with a DC-how can you say she has nothing to do with you-words utterly fail me. How dare someone marry a man with children and think that he comes alone? No wonder DCs have problems. No DC can be written off as 'poisonous'.
How can women treat other people's DCs in a way that they would hate their own DC to be treated?

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 20:53

If you marry a man with DCs you get that DC for life-unconditionally.

exoticfruits · 21/12/2011 20:54

If you can't do it, you do what I did and walk away. Adults can deal with heartbreak-the DC comes first.

eandemum · 21/12/2011 20:58

If you DD told you what had happened on Monday and knew it was wrong - why did she not tell you before OR even leave the kitchen when it was happeneing
Is the OP suggesting the SD was preventong her from leaving - apparently the OP was only upstairs - I'm sure my DD at 5 would know not to take medicine - or rather only from mum/dad??

SeymoreButts · 21/12/2011 21:06

OP, if you are still reading this, here's what I think you should do:

DH needs to sit down with DSD and find out exactly what happened, he should be calm and get the facts. No shouting or accusations. If she did do it, he needs to be impress on her the seriousness of what she did, and that your DD could have been injured or killed. Then you all need to respond to this very clear cry for help from DSD. DH, DSD, you and Ex all need help to address what it is clearly a very unhappy situation for DSD. Speak to her GP about the incident and her behaviour, and ask for family counselling for all of you. If you can pay for it you will be seen quicker. Just going on what I have read here, it seems DSD feels very separate from your happy family unit, and she's jealous of DD who has replaced her in her father's home.
I think DSD should see her Dad as normal, but with constant supervision for now, which will be easy because she's not staying overnight. I also think she should have christmas with you as normal, with no mention of what happened, you can turn your attention to it when it's not christmas day.
I agree with other posters, the advice from your GP was very strange. Given the ambiguity of how much she had had, and the medicines involved, he should have insisted on a hospital admission. I would switch GPs now too.

LordOfTheFlies · 21/12/2011 21:24

The OP hasn't been back for a while ?

I wonder if something happened at the wedding 6 months ago?

The DSD hasn't really known anything else, OP says the parents split when DSD was 18 months IIRC.
Then the OP comes into dasd life. Then the baby-which she clearly had issues with (the kicking, and wanting to hurt the unborn) -changed things again.
Then they get married.

We don't know exactly what has happened to the OP, we haven't walked a mile in her shoes.
But I certainly wouldn't have her near my DD on Christmas Day.
The situation seems to be getting worse,not better.
What will happen when she's 12? 14? 16?

eandemum · 21/12/2011 21:42

What about what will happen if/when the DSD's mum remarries and has another child - so DSD will have the same problem at BOTH homes!

OP - It sounds as if you all need to spend MORE time together not LESS!

Mrswhiskerson · 21/12/2011 21:47

I think the op is not coming back because she does not want to know how to get help for them all she wants rid of this girl who is a reminder her dh loved another woman before she came along .

I really hope this little girl gets help and more importantly some love before it really is too late for her.

And come on branding someone a sociopath after one incident with no evidence ?

Thank god we no longer burn people at the stake we would all be gonners.

CanadianChristmasCarol · 22/12/2011 09:14

I'm in agreement with you Piglet..having lived through it.. I had steps that hated me and my kids... it eventually broke up my marriage.. and I also agree with iscream.. being her IRL friend... I wouldn't let ANYONE near my 5 year old child if they had done that to her... she may not be a sociopath now.. but she's one in the making.. look out for small puppies and kittens....

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 09:14

I think that she would have found it far more helpful had she started a thread 'help, our eldest DD is very jealous of her younger sister-what can I do'.
I would suggest that she did lots of fun things with the girls together-so that they enjoy being together. The older one could read bedtime stories etc. She could do a treasure hunt for Christmas day-they could do cooking -ice the Christmas cake-make up dance routines etc.
I bet the DC just turns up , is DH's responsibility and no one has ever made any effort to get the sisters playing together. e.g. has DD2 been out and chosen a Christmas present for DD1 and wrapped it? Is there any fun and excitement?
I guess OP isn't going to come back and tell us.

SaggyHairyArse · 22/12/2011 09:26

I am quite surprised at everyone saying she would never be welcome again, she is a 10 year old little girl that obviously has issues.

I am sure OP that you have tried your best, none of this is your fault but when parents separate it can just be at the wrong point in a child's development that it mentally scars them. She obviously has jealousy issues with her 5 year old SS.

I would lock away any medecine, 2) I would expect her fathr to supervise her closely at all times when she is around, 3) I would be suggesting a referral to CAMHS.

SaggyHairyArse · 22/12/2011 09:27

Hear hear Mrswhiskerson!!!!

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 09:35

I would do 1, I would make sure that I supervised her, she isn't just her father's responsibility and 3,I think that they entire family needs the therapy.

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 09:43

Part of the problem is that DH has 2 DDs and he is expected to treat them differently i.e. in his house DD1 is his responsibility and DD2 is a shared responsibility. No doubt DD1 sees the difference, she isn't a member of the family-she is Dad's inconvenient visitor.

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 09:44

I have 3 DSs by 2 different fathers and no one is allowed to treat them differently-not DH, his family, my family or DH1's family. They are brothers and equal in everything.

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 09:46

Having read that back, I suppose it is easier with death and you can't insist that the ex's family treat them the same -but everyone else can.

perceptionreality · 22/12/2011 12:42

'It is YOUR life, and it should not be run by a child that is really nothing to do with you.'

Sorry but what utter rubbish. If you choose to marry a man who already has a child then they come as a package. End of.

daytoday · 22/12/2011 13:48

First some questions.

What normally happens when she tells you to shut up?
What has happened in this event - has her mother been told?

If she has a great relationship with Father - and she simply can't cope with you and DD then maybe she is telling you she doesn't want to 'merge' the families. Is it possible she can just have contact with her father and not want to be part of your life, well till she's older at least. Does every contact with father involve you and your DD?

If her mother is normal - I'm sure she would be horrified that her daughter is acting out so badly.

It sounds like you have a terrifically distressed young girl on your hands - I would advocate that her father and mother get help for her right away -

I do think that 4/5 year olds can say all sorts of things when a younger sibling is born. How sad that a little 4/5 year old would say such a negative thing - really really sad. And sad that you have taken it so sincerely.

What if you split up with your husband and this was going on with your DD and his new family - you'd want to help your daughter wouldn't you?

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 13:52

I should stop reading this thread-it gets me so annoyed.
I am irritated beyond belief by people who think their DH is a foundling and she doesn't realise she gets PIL, grandparents, cousins , uncles, great aunts etc etc BUT I have never heard it said that when you get DH his DC is nothing to do with you.
It is indeed a case of you get his DC -end of. If you are not prepared to do it you move on and find a man without DCs.
If you stick with him- you stick with his DC unconditionally -you do not give up when the going gets tough- unless you leave DH. There simply isn't a choice of keeping DH and giving up on his DC. I wouldn't stay with any man who was prepared to sacrifice his DC for partner-or who puts his DC with his partner above his DC with his ex. How can any man want to have a cosy Christmas with his youngest DC, knowing that his eldest has been banned from the house?

seeker · 22/12/2011 14:06

I don't believe this story. There is no way that a gp would give advice like that- if he was even remotely competent he would hqve send the child immediately to a and e.

exoticfruits · 22/12/2011 14:21

I don't believe the medicine part-7 spoonfuls of medicine couldn't be safely swallowed by a young DC. I do believe that OP doesn't want her DSD for Christmas (or any other time if she had the choice) she really wants to pretend that they are a family of 3.

crunchbag · 22/12/2011 14:38

I don't believe a 5 year old can accurately describe the amount and flavour of each medicine. And a 10 yo old doing this without leaving evidence.

And were OP and DH really hoovering upstairs, I read that as something else

Flip

1 2 ··· 15 16 17 18 19 20