to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

[Iloveagoodroast]

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

You could try, exotic, but why do you think your words would carry any weight with your (hypothetical) step-daughter?

I nearly became one but after 2 yrs I stopped seeing him-there was too much baggage. I actually got on well with his DD and she was well behaved with me. However, it was difficult because he had completely different rules than me which made it difficult with my DS+ there was a rocky relationship with his ex and I could see that my mother wouldn't treat thew DCs the same. I walked away-it was very upsetting, but it all worked out for the best. One thing that pleases me, above all else, was that his DD wasn't damaged by knowing me. She actually wrote and said that she hoped it wasn't her fault (it wasn't) and we kept in touch for quite a few years until I moved.
OP knew the score-if she wanted DH she got his DD, warts and all for ever.
I wasn't prepared to do it. If the DD was with me, in my house she would follow my rules. I am glad that I didn't upset us all by going ahead.
OP did-so she, as the adult, has to make it work and you don't have one DD in the bosom of the family at Christmas and make her half sister an outcast.

And by the way although, (if true) what dsd did with the medicine could have been dangerous and of course is not acceptable I do not think it suggests she is evil!! That is a ridiculous suggestion.

If you have DCs you do not have medicine within reach. Most DCs make potions-we did with mixing toothpaste etc.

Yes my children would drink calpol if they could get hold of it because they like the taste!

I think the reason why Roald Dahl's book 'George's Marvellous Medicine' is popular is because all DCs have had a go at some point. The responsible parent doesn't have medicine within reach-however sensible the child.

tbh a 10yo has pretty rudimentary grasp of consequences,cause and effect and it's a big leap to assume purposeful wilful attempt at poisoning
could have been game
a dare
I'm uncomfortable with suggestion sd purposefully,wilfully tried to poison. the truth is probably lot less sinister

There would be a lot less malice directed towards the 10 year old girl if it was the girl's mother who had made a thread saying 'help, my daughter intentionally poisoned her step sister, what shall I do?' I think the tone was set by the (understandably!) horrified and angry OP and other people have (less understandably) jumped on the bandwagon.

It's given me an education in what small children know though. I just asked my barely 9 year old the following:
Do you know where I keep the medicines? [yes]
You know not to take them or give them to sister without asking don't you? [yes and eyeroll]
Do you know why you shouldn't? [because I might take too much]
Do you know why that's a bad thing? [because that's what people do when they want to kill themselves. I don't want to kill myself]
Er, ok, good to know!!

There would be a lot less malice directed towards the 10 year old girl if it was the girl's mother who had made a thread saying 'help, my daughter intentionally poisoned her step sister, what shall I do?' I think the tone was set by the (understandably!) horrified and angry OP and other people have (less understandably) jumped on the bandwagon.

It's given me an education in what small children know though. I just asked my barely 9 year old the following:
Do you know where I keep the medicines? [yes]
You know not to take them or give them to sister without asking don't you? [yes and eyeroll]
Do you know why you shouldn't? [because I might take too much]
Do you know why that's a bad thing? [because that's what people do when they want to kill themselves. I don't want to kill myself]
Er, ok, good to know!!

manicinsomniac I think you're right, and I've checked with my girls aged 7 and 6 that they know not to take medicines without me or papa there.

The medicines are up high and locked but the girls could get to them if they really wanted to, which is why at this age they need to know how dangerous the medicines can be.

If people over react and say the child is sociopathic, the outcome would be that the 10 year old would get outside help, which is what should be happening anyway.

If people attempt to brush it under the carpet and pretend that this event couldn't have happened/isn't dangerous/isn't serious/can't be deliberate, then neither of these children will get the help they need.

The step parent element is neither here nor there. The father should have dealt with this properly. How can any parent, knowing that one of their children has ingested medicine, not make the other child explain in depth what the younger child actually ingested? Wouldn't any of us be questioning the older child in depth rather than relying on what the 5 year old said so that we could establish how much the 5 year old had taken so that we can tell a doctor? A ten year old shrugging would not be the end of the conversation for most parents.

Oh yes, I'm sure it would be great for a child's self-esteem for them to know they've been branded a sociopath(!)

I agree with what exoticfruits was saying earlier that it's the OP's responsibility to deal with issues that arise wrt behaviour together with the dd's father. Instead it sounds like she's waving her hand at the situation as if to say, this is not my problem I don't want it, I don't want her in the house.

You only have to look at people on the stately homes threads to know the havoc that is wreaked in the lives of those who were not loved and accepted by their parents.

in rl no professional would diagnose sociopath on basis of one incident
only on mn do people feel confident to make sweeping statements

Yes I find it very annoying the way on MN people are always diagnosing others with personality disorders. I do not think that what the girl did was even particularly bad. Foolish? Yes with possible bad consequences but something a lot of kids might do if they were messing about or bored.

The criteria for personality disorders is for adults, not children. The child is behaving negatively because she feels bad.

I've just realised the dsd would have been 3 when the op married her dad? If so there is no way you can blame the dsd for this, she was little more than a baby when all this started off.

I remember a thread on here some time ago where a mner posted about her dh and how he couldn't bear to be around her children (his step children). None of the responses suggested the children were to blame!

PR, I'm not suggesting that the DD is a sociopath or that anybody should tell her she is. That would clearly be wrong.

But if you think this behaviour is something a lot of kids would do when messing about, then I am even more grateful that Primary schools educate children about things like prescription drugs and set some kind of moral guidance, because what is clear from this thread is that a lot of parents have abdicated responsibility.

Never mind going on about the 10 yr old girl. She has had her mind poisoned by a very angry bitter and twisted adult. In my opinion your DH (and you if you want to OP) needs to have a very serious conversation with his ex-wife or whoever else could be putting these devious ways into a 10yr old girls head.

Did DSD actually admit to this? Could your DD have made it up? 5 year olds do like making up stories. It seems pretty unbelievable that a 10 year old could pour out multiple spoonfuls of medicine without leaving a mess!

If this is true then it is really sad. Firstly I hope your daughter is OK. Secondly lots of work needs to be done to make DSD feel more included in the family, family therapy would be a good place to start. I imagine she is hurting and feels that her step sister is replacing her and that her dad no longer loves her as much. I remember feeling so hurt and pushed aside when my dad re married and there weren't any step or half siblings.

Statistically children from broken homes do so much worse in life (even when tests have been controlled for socio economic factors) and I imagine this has a lot to do with the pain they go through.

Whilst, I am not saying this child is a sociopath. I would make the point that that one person out of every hundred is, which means there are a hell of a lost of mini sociopaths running about, getting away with god knows what

The unwritten rule seems to be 'children can never be bad'

Well it's true. A child's parenting and experiences are what makes them who they are. Until a child is an adult it is the parent's responsibility to help and support them and deal with their issues, and to take the rough with the smooth. It's tough but that is what parenting is about!

And adults often have personality disorders because of how they were treated as children. Generally speaking, adults with personality disorders are like children who've never grown up emotionally.

it's the nature v. nurture debate. It's not always easy to know.

What is clear is this child and the whole family do need professional help.

yes but applying a global stat from DSM and individually assuming it to be true of one specific individual child is not credible

Also what you seem to forget OP, is that your DSD is your DH's responsibility. If she is behaving in such a disturbing manner there is only your DH and her mother to blame for that. Stop thinking about you and your DD, give your DH a kick up the arse and get him to sort things out with his daughter.

hmmm seems like there are a lot of angles to consider.
Firstly are you sure the incident actually happened?is your DD trying to get her sis into trouble? was it just a game where they were pretending?
It seems unlikely that she would consume all that lot and not have any effects at all. ai would have thought she would be at least drowsy, That would explain the DSDs reaction shrugging shoulders and saying 'I dunno.
If it did happen, was the DSD acting maliciously or didn't she realise how dangerous it could be.You are implying that a 10 yr old has adult knowledge but she's just a little girl and might well not realise that one spoonful of each when combined would be dangerous.
If your DD is daft enough to swallow loads of medicine given to her by another child, then you really ought to have it locked up.I'll bet if the 10 yr old can det it out, so can the 5 yo.
I cannot understand why you didn't get her proper medical attention straight away.i don't for an instant believe that you were given such bad advice when none of you really know what the child had ingested.A friend of mine , who is a GP recently found that both herseld and her nanny had given her daughter calpol.She took it very seriously straight away calculating the mg/kg body weight .

I agree with MrsWhiskerson

5 yr olds can lie,

IMO so can adults.

I wonder why the OP never came back.