to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

[Iloveagoodroast]

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

Why should the onus just be on the op to make an effort, it should be her dad that does

What are her parents going to do to help her? Are you going for family counselling? I would get on the list straight away as she clearly resents you and sounds unhappy with you.

If she hated you so much right from the start why wasn't this tackled at the beginning properly before you got together?
Did you help break up the marriage so his ex constantly badmouthed you or something? (Just thinking of possible reasons other than just plain jealousy.)

I knew a girl whose friend made her drink perfume when she was about 5 - to my knowledge the older child didn't grow up with Borderline personality disorder or become a Sociopath

Clearly the onus is now on your dh to get through to his daughter and spend more time with her alone to try to find out why she acts the way she does.

Hope your dd is okay.

It would take me a very, very long time to warm to her again, I would only accept her back under close supervision. Never leave her on her own with DD again. She is seriously jealous or disturbed.
She has really burnt her bridges, it's up to her to make it up to you. YANBU!

This thread is (mostly) like a witch hunt against this little girl and in all honesty she sounds like a inconvenience to you. You believed a five year old (five year olds have been known to lie and exaggerate) and go mental at her without checking any of the evidence .
Seems to me you have finallay found the opportunity to get shot of her for good.

This thread makes me feel sick and sad.

Yes being a step parent is hard but you knew what you were getting when you married him and being the adults it is up to you all to get her help.

Unless it would be easier for you an her useless sounding dad to just cut her out of your life?

I don't get MN's belief that acknowledging and dealing with bad behaviour and getting sympathy and compassion are mutually exclusive childrearing activities.

This either/or myth is in evidence here more starkly than I've seen it for ages. I'll ignore the posters who believe that anyone under the age of 18 is a snow-white angel too, it's a little dull.

So... the SD is clearly OTT in the treatment of the DD. That's weird, and not in a good way. Whatever pain she's in, that behaviour made ther family life worse not better, and both parents must get her professional help. People see shrinks from the age of 4 now, it's no big deal. Letting SD get away with it is a big deal - it's fair to no one if she carries on like this.

But I wouldn't ban her from Xmas - I would only have her for a bit of the day tho', so renegotiate driving times to enable that. And watch her like a hawk around your DD, as subtlely as you can.

Your DH really needs to buy into the 'getting help' choice. Otherwise you will be blamed for sending her to an evil psychiatrist and 'calling her mad'.

Good luck.

Judging by some of the reactions on here, I reckon I could quite easily have been diagnosed as a sociopath for some of the things I did to my younger DB as a child.

I'm grateful that my parents didn't have mumsnet readily to hand.

Op- I think it must be very hard for you.
However, here we have a little girl, who didn't asked to be born, her parents brought her into the world and then ruined her world when they split up.
Along comes op and hey presto has another baby girl who replaces dsd.
When dsd goes to visit her beloved daddy she is so important to him that he chooses to hover rather than spend the entire time making sure she is welcome. Well I can say that if I were in her situation I would be mighty pissed off too and so she thinks of a way to vent her anger. Meanwhile dd who lets be honest knows she is the golden girl, can do no wrong especially when she knows that mummy will always take her side.

If dds story is true she has managed to get dsd away from her daddy as easy as that.
what would you do if dsd were your child, throw her in the garden for Christmas day?
All behaviour stems as a reaction to a situation. That can be what is happening literally or perceived by that person to be the reality.
Whether or not you agree with dsd "reality" is of no importance, it is HER REALITY and is very real to her.
This perceived reality must be handled and tbh from what you have written her father is not dealing with it well at all. I second counselling for you dh and you. At least speak to a professional who can fill you in on what might be going on in dsd head and the best way to help that situation.

Oh and children do pick up on the most subtle of behaviours, even those which you might think you are hiding.
This is especially true of vunerable/unloved/damaged, call them whatever you like but your dsd falls into this category, children. If you think that your dsd will not pick up vibes that you don't want her there then you are wrong. She may even be picking up subconsciuos vibes that you, dh and dd give off but are unawre of. A good example of this is her dh doing housework on the one day he could be spending time with her. You may think it irrelevant but I can assure you to her it is not.

I am also saddened by some of the responses on this thread - dsd is only 10 herself.

Adults can't blame a child for their behaviour imo. You and your husband need to try to find a positive way forward together to address the problem and get to the root of it. And it sounds like this has gone on since she was 5 or before and you clearly hold grudges against her for things she did all that time ago!

You cannot exclude her from the family and from Christmas - that's just nasty. She is a child and you are the adult. The fact she is not your biological child makes it more difficult for you but you don't have any right to treat her with less empathy than if she was your biological child.

you need to get to know each other first and build up a bond and relationship, the love that you have for your child can be different than for your dh/dp, step child whatever.

Exactly. Did OP build up a relationship? Does she do things on their own? It shouldn't be just the Dad who does things with her. OP married her DH and he came with a DD and OP needed to realise that the DD isn't just DH's responsibility-they are a family.
You can maybe get away with 'your DC' while you don't have any joint ones, but as soon as you produce a half sibling DH has 2 DCs who have to be equal in the family. This means that all the extended family need to treat them the same too. No one expects a step parent to love them equally but they do expect them to hide the fact that one is loved more.
I feel it is a witch hunt against a young DC who has had to lose her father, is only a visitor in his home and sees her half sibling get far more love, attention and time than she gets and it is no wonder that she reacts badly. When DCs are calling out for love and acceptance they very often do the very thing that makes it difficult.
I bet OP, before the incident, didn't really want DSD for Christmas and she will pick up on that.
Hopefully they will all have family therapy and an outside help.

To think of it a different way- how many people would be at all happy that if they died and their DH married again and had more DCs that their DC was just tolerated and that the DH and his new wife could even contemplate the fact that they didn't want them for Christmas?

A child has a right to unconditional love and knowing that as the adult you will deal with unacceptable behaviour in an appropriate way.
Saying 'we only want Christmas with your sister-you are too naughty' just isn't on. If my DH did that he wouldn't be with us. He got my DS for life-whatever my DS does.

I also agree it could be something to do with her mother's influence.

My friend's dd, who is 14 suddenly started behaving really strangely at home and her mother was at a total loss of what to do. She was angry with her mum all the time, got in trouble with the police and my friend was so upset. It turned the girl's dad (who her mum has been separated from for years) had been messaging her dd on FB saying her mum was to blame for why he hadn't been in contact with her for years (all lies) When my friend found out and set the story straight her daughter returned to normal...

You don't know what her mum is saying to her. I think this is a shame and is why I always talk respectfully about my children's father to them and would be nice about any new girlfriend or baby in his life.

I am totally with Exotic. The thought of dd feeling insecure, angry and unhappy enough to allegedly behave like this sickens me.

'A child has a right to unconditional love'

Spot on!

very well put exotic. you have to imagine if this was your child, being 'tolerated' and then 'banned' when she misbehaved, which gives the clear message that her relationship with her father is conditional. Family relationships -= particularly parent/ child are not conditional - they are complete - you deal with the problem 'in' the family. you cannot banish her from the home - it's her home. You would not banish your own child, so you cant banish your step child.
this thread has truly depressed me! have some humanity people - this is a witch hunt against a sad and angry kid who behaved naughtily but may not have even done much wrong - not much evidence to prove it.

Well, we're only getting one side of the story here so it's impossible to judge. All I would say, OP, is that your husband is the one who has to step up here and take responsibility for sorting this all out. It sounds like he's very busy, working 6 days a week and barely seeing either of his daughters. Is that the real issue here, maybe?

There's very little you can do anyway as you have no authority over your step-daughter. In that sense, your situation is totally different from the situation many of the posters above reference where you have 2 biological daughters and the eldest gives the youngest medicine without your permission and you then ban the eldest from Christmas festivities, which would indeed be extreme and unfair. That's a ridiculous analogy, however.

If SD were the OP's own daughter, she would have the authority to discipline her properly, have an honest conversation with her about what she did and react appropriately. It would also be happening in the context of a broader positive relationship.

Instead, OP, you have to deal with the behaviour of a child who clearly resents you or your DD and over whom you have no parental authority. In that case, all you can do is ask your husband to step up more as a father, try to spend more time with his daughter and relieve her fears of abandonment and sort out his relationship with his ex, which is clearly not positive. It's all down to him, I'm afraid, there's very little you can do except try to keep your DD safe and never let her be around SD unsupervised ever again.

I didnt know that you can diagnose someone as a sociopath on a bit of heresay and one incident described by a third party. Just astonishing.

It doesn't really matter whose side of the story we have. No mother, I hope, would tell a DC that they had been so naughty they couldn't have Christmas with them and yet this is what she would like her DH to do with his 2 DCs (even if she hasn't said so). I don't even tell mine that FC doesn't come to naughty DCs, FC is like parents in my view-unconditional.
If I was a step mother I would discipline her-in my house she would do as I told her. Her birth mother would have no control in my house. (I haven't been a step mother but I certainly wouldn't stay in a box where I can't do anything without DH).

oh yes the mn diagnostics gleaned from diagnosis murder and no need to fret about lil things like facts,or face to face ax,or not having full story

other mn favoured diagnoses are narcissistic personality disorder (usually on basis of their ex was a rotter so must be npd

You could try, exotic, but why do you think your words would carry any weight with your (hypothetical) step-daughter?

You're not being realistic about the situation at all, just being over-emotional about the OP expressing perfectly valid reservations about having a badly behaved child that she has no control over being in her house at Christmas time.

Neither of us may have been step-mothers but it doesn't mean we know nothing about handling children's behaviour. If a child doesn't respect or love you, your words carry no weight and you are wasting your time. So IMO, the OP's husband is the only one who can sort this situation out.

From what op has said, she did try with her dsd, but what is her dad doing, how is he trying?

Has 'Iloveagoodroast' and posting history? The bames seems to suggest she is looking for a flaming?

oh and the 'spitting' in the title.Spitting, roast?
But very good attempt I'll give 9/10

YANBU.

Your SD does realise that she was trying to poison an innocent little girl?

My DDs have not lived with their father since they were 2 and 3. Their father is now married with 2 young DSs but they would never try to harm them even if I was an evil toxic bitter Ex that TOLD them to. And they would never be rude to their SM either. I suppose that is just the way they are.

If any one else is to blame for the child's behaviour it is her parents not you OP. If I were you I would keep your DD away from her until she is SAFE to be around.

InMyChime - this is not just any child, it is her dh's daughter. OP has accepted the responsibility that comes with agreeing to be a step parent. This means that banishing the dh's dd from the house at any time, especially Christmas is a despicable thing to do.

When you take on responsibilities that come with getting married, that come with having your own children, that come with being a step parent you are there for the good times and the bad and you don't get to throw the towel in just because things are not working out at the moment. You do not disown a 10 year old child.