to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

[Iloveagoodroast]

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

I cut contact with SD when she was 9. She was miserable with me, sullen, rude and unhappy. So I backed off, told my DP it was making us both miserable, so I was opting out. They had their own time, whenever suited either, but I no longer did any 'caring' for her iyswim. I did my own thing, they did theirs.

It was the best thing I could have done. 13 years later we have a wonderful relationship. She's a lovely happy woman/mother now, and has apologised for her awful behaviour at the time.

Obviously that's not going to work for everyone, but it did for us.

Making sure the children are kept separate doesn't resolve the issue of a ten year old who does dangerous things. She could also put herself at risk, and with ingesting, if she doesn't tell adults she has done it, they will not know.

DD - I did read what you wrote. I think it's a cop out. You want to state it but without being called on it. It's like saying, "I'm not being offensive but..."

You think you've spotted all the signs in a boy you know. You think it's a possibility the OP's stepdaughter is. But, oh no, not a diagnosis. So long as it's not an actual diagnosis it's okay.

I systematically tried to kill my half-siblings (on both my parents' sides) when they were born.

Fortunately for all concerned, I was fairly crap at it and they came to no lasting harm. It did drive my parents and their partners insane, though.

I didn't know why I did it at the time. I did not hate them, or anything - I felt totally indifferent to them. When I was asked why I did it I often shrugged - because I didn't know.

I just couldn't resist the urge, when presented with the opportunity, to try to hurt them. Sort of that feeling you get when standing at the edge of something really high and you want to jump but you don't. Except I did. Calmly and deliberately.

I didn't turn out too evil though. And I get along just fine as an adult with them.

Don't know that there was anything anyone could do about it. They tried everything. I just couldn't resist the urge.

samdi how could you suggest she s banned from the house?! Do you realise the emotional damage it would cause being rejected from her fathers house?
I can't see how so many people are suggesting rejecting this child who has lost her dad, one day a week is never enough and I would want to know why he is happy only seeing his daughter once a week unless he is fighting for more custody?
Like it or not this girl is your family she may see you as the woman who stole her dad since her parents relationship ended when she was very young.
Then throw in a new sibling who not only sees her dad all the time but whom you clearly love more than her and even if you try to hide it she will know , even in homes where the parents may be very happy and all is well the older child almost always feels some jealousy towards the new sibling.
if her mum is telling her horrible things at home she also has this to deal with these are big things for a ten year old girl who possibly feels like she has no one to talk to.
She needs counselling or at least she knows she has a place she can feel safe wanted and loved and since you love her dad so much you should try your best to love his child too.

4% of the general population are supposed to be sociopathic (wthout conscience)to varying degrees . This phenomenon doesn't suddenly manifest itself when someone turns 18 and signs are usually there from a young age.

I'd say for sure that this little girl needs professional help. Shrugging is not a normal reaction either to being found out esp given the seriousness.

Awful situation for the OP and DD

nfk of course I didn't and cant diagnose - but it doesn't mean I cant see the warning signs in a boy I know - and you have no idea (and I have no intention of listing everything this boy has done to my son because its not relevant to this thread) of why I think this. So maybe Im "over-sensitive" to this subject.

Of course I dont want to "state it" re diagnosis - I dont have any advantage of doing this.

Babyhammock is absolutely right - the signs of psychopathy are generally there in children. Why do some people find this so hard to understand? Its like some kind of taboo - all children are sweet an innocent, yeh right.

there are some seriouse over rteactions on this thread, people need to be carefull equating behaviour from a 10 year old child as early signs of psycopathic behaviour. This little girl probably isnt a "budding psycopath", have met a few in my time and wouldnt really describe any as "budding", probably a play on words but not very helpfull.

I can understand why OP and others may suggest excluding the girl from the house, but Op think of the alternative scenario and this being your birth child who resides with you, you would not be able to exclude them from your house with out care procceedings and that would be very drastic action!!

Whislt I think the whole family should seek help, I would impliment some seriouse sanctions and over supervision whilst in the house just get the message across as to how seriouse this is, thats why I would also suggest taking her and dd to A&E, just to reiterate the seriousness. I would be very explicit in discussing with her the criminal nature of harming others aswell as the medicaly what she could have done to her sister. She neds this message drummed home to her.

I don't understand how a child could still feel so jealous after so long. I do NOT mean that in a "she should get over it" way, I just mean that OP has clearly done everything that would be standard advice about 'welcoming stepchildren' - stuff she's listed in various posts on this thread like SM-SD trips etc.

Lots - if not all - of stepfamilies go through difficult teething problems, but 7 years? It should be ok by now. Why is it still so bad? Even my DH's abusive ex, who still could lie for Britain and told some exceedingly harmful lies and was manipulating their DCs from the day they were born, couldn't keep my DSCs from accepting me after a while. Thankfully now they see through (most of) her persistent lies.

I don't know, I just - from what I can read on here - don't feel the last 7 years is only the OP's fault. I don't see that she is an archetypal evil stepmother. What is the DH doing to help?

I dont think she is spending enough time in your home to "settle", I know thats not your fault and there is nothing you can do about it.

DSD when younger settled much better when here for the whole weekend, coming too and from school, she found the transition between the 2 houses very difficult, compounded by the poor relationship between her parents.

I think coming too and from school took a lot of the strain off her, certainly she seemed a lot happier when this was implemented.

I think "wanting to kill her" is an instinctive reaction and doesnt mean you would actually ever have acted on it.

You are in an extremely difficult position and I dont envy you at all, feel free to pm me if you would like some support without being slated, or go and post in Step Parenting, where others will be able to empathise better.

The only evidence this happened is the words of a five year old and the shrug of a ten year old.
Five year old has no symptoms of any overdose.

So no evidence to go on really other than hearsay .
The issue of criminal responsibility is somewhat far fetched over this incident.

My step-mother was amazingly good at manipulating me into behaviour that would alienate me from my father. It worked too, they now live on the other side of the world.
I shall go now because I suspect I am far too jaded to contribute in a helpful manner.
But the step daughter here does need and should get help, whatever the reasons behind the behaviour.

Op's been gone several hours now-- maybe at a&e?

If your dd did take all of those medicines she would be pretty ill I will tell you. I don't mean to be funny but I don't think a 5 year old would be able to reliably tell you what the name of the medicines were and what dosages she took, it would baffle adults. She might not have taken everything.

BAD BAD BAD re the meds. Very, very bad. However, a little girl or 10 whose daddy loves his new family better? Been there. The child needs help. You should go to therapy with her and your husband. Or just her and your husband. A good therapist will help this along with remarkable speed. For the moment ignore the mothers influence. Concentrate on getting her to relax into your loving family. It will be worth it - I was her once. Good luck

Tbh her behaviour is unacceptable, and what she did to her step sister is not on and no excuse should be made for it, yes she does need professional help, and and also you all need family therapy.

Well said cotherMucking, the dsd does need to be punished for her behaviour. Tbh I would find it very difficult to love a step child, especially the older they are, and more, so one that was so difficult destructive, I would prefer to form like a friendship bond with them and get to know them, we are only human and cannot turn on our feelings like a tap, stop demonising the step mum too

She's 10 and probably feeling insecure and unloved in some way, find out what's bothering her, talk to her. Actually get your DH to, he's her dad. You should be addressing that and trying to work out how to make her feel better and make her feel like a part of your family, rather than "spitting with rage". Poor kid.

zombie I expect you would be spitting with rage if a similar thing happened to you , it does not matter there is no excuse for that behaviour.

A budding sociopath

Anyway, OP, if this is true then I really think you should take your DD to the hospital. I find it pretty astounding your GP basically said "wait and see". That's really not quite how it works with a possible paracetamol overdose.

I think what I find the most baffling is that the SD is 10yo, and the OP realised the child was having problems back when she was 4yo... and is only stepping up NOW and saying something needs to be done.

The OP states she has done her best to help her relationship with the SD, however, she (OP) is clearly has some issues as well. I agree that family counselling is a good idea... such a shame that it wasn't implemented years ago.

I also wonder why the OP didn't take the child into A&E. It's fairly common knowledge that too much paracetamol (especially adult strength) can be harmful. The GP response seems odd, at best, considering there's no definite way to tell how much medication is in the DD's system without a test.

OP, at the risk of sounding even more critical.... as you knew there was quite a bit of resentment and upset from your SD, why in the world would she have been left unsupervised with your DD anyway??? Seems a bit hazardous IMO, based on your assessment of SD's behaviour. It would have to be a fairly decent block of time for her to get meds, get them out, give them to DD, put them back, clean up afterwards (spoons, etc).

agree with everyone who has said that you need family therapy. A child behaving like this at 10 is a child with some severe emotional issues - and those have arisen within the family not with the child on her own.

Op don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you, I know how difficult it can be as my DSD1 mum was very disruptive when she was growing up, but now we have a good relationship with her the difference with DSD2 is unbelievable.

My DSD1 was put in the middle of it by her mum - made to feel she shouldn't like me etc - and she started to self harm when she was at her mums and ended up having counselling. That - I think - was the trigger for her mum to start to behave differently and things with DSD2 have been so so different.

I'd go and see your GP and see if you can get referred. It will mean SS are involved though so do be prepared for that.

Good luck.

Piglet that is what I think in a nutshell. I cannot believe that some people are saying that this is a fairly normal way for stepsiblings to behave. I work with children and I honestly cannot think of a single 10 year old in my 18 years of teaching that would not know that this is an incredibly dangerous thing to do which leads me to think that SD must have knowingly done it to harm her younger SD. Yes, this does mean need that she needs help, it means that the whole family need help but to try to brush over it and say that people are over reacting is crazy. If OP does end up in A and E with her DD I doubt very much that the staff there will look upon it as "one of those things that children do". With a 3 or 4 year old maybe but not a 10 year old.

There is a large middle ground between DSD being a sociopath and /or banning her from the house, and crying "oh poor cinderella!" Finding out why DSD did this and helping her deal with her feelings is clearly important. But frankly, the physical protection of the smaller child trumps that. Banning her from the home is probably an inappropriate move at this point - but she does need to be disciplined.

OP and her DH need to ask themselves (and probably are!) not "what do we do about a stepchild trying to hurt a toddler?" but rather "what do we do about one of our children trying to hurt another, younger, one of our children?"

that's the issue.

I would be telling dh that he had to see his other child somewhere other than my small child's home from now on, and that she would onle be welcome back after both her parents had paid for her therapy.