to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

[Iloveagoodroast]

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

how awful for you!!

I agree that DSD is old enough that this goes beyond a simple misdemeanour.

Counseling might be a good idea. But while you are addressing DSD's feelings and motivations, you (and I mean you, your DH, and DSD's mum) need to also be addressing her behaviour. There needs to be a serious and immediate consequence to this event, and to any others.

Personally, I would not leave the two girls alone together any more. I would take away a privilege that DSD enjoys. (e.g. - does she have a phone? well, not anymore!) I would outline severe consequences to any future abuse of DD. I would put all the medicines etc away (but not beat myself up for them being there in the first place because honestly? 10 is old enough) - but also keep in mind that you can't make the home completely safe, so you need to watch all the time.

I have been staying with my sister and 3 year-old nephew for the last couple of weeks. My DD is 18 months, and her cousin has been being awful to her - grabbing toys away from her, shouting at her, hitting her...the worst so far has been when she went to hand him a toy and he pushed her over so she hit her head on the floor. I love my nephew, loved him before I even had DD - but you bet I'm angry when he pushes little DD around! My sister and I both understand why he's doing it - he feels displaced a bit in his own house; he's jealous that I don't have as much time for him; he's jealous that his mum is playing with another baby - but even he knows better. He's actually come and told on himself a couple of times! We don't let them play unsupervised, and when nephew does do something, his mum punishes him straight away - he loses the toy he's playing with, and goes on to the naughty step; then he apologises. I'd go a step further than my sister, frankly, and he'd be losing toys for good, not just for a day as he is now.

Anyway - He's a 3 year old...so the behaviour is easier to understand. Your DSD is 10, but the point remains. Whatever she's feeling, she must be made to understand that the actions are unacceptable.

P.S. Ignore any one who wants to turn this into an Evil Stepmum story. You didn't do anything wrong, and your reaction is reasonable.

There has to be consequences to her behaviour, personaly id cancel her christmas.

Has NHS Direct phoned you back yet OP?

I can completely understand the heart-stopping sense of terror the OP must have experienced. And anger is a perfectly understandable emotion. However, to apply those emotional responses to actions (e.g., banishing the child from her house, refusing to see her for Xmas, etc.) would be very wrong, IMO.

This child is very clearly showing her deep unhappiness about her situation. She doesn't see her dad very much, her mother has recently stopped her spending the night at dad's house, and her stepmother doesn't seem to like her very much. The words the OP uses to describe the child are very telling. As someone else pointed out, she hasn't said anything positive about the girl at all (obviously that can be a difficult thing to do when one is angry, but I still find it telling).

I'm not suggesting the OP hasn't made an effort. It sounds as though she has done so. But whatever she has done so far hasn't been effective. Even so, it is still up to the adults in the situation (parents + stepmother) to find ways to reach this child, to provide her with a sense of security. It may be beyond them. Perhaps counseling would be in order.

As for people wondering why anyone would feel sympathy for the child, that would be because she is, well, a child. She's not a miniature adult. She is in a situation entirely not of her own making, and she is acting out in troubling ways. She needs someone to help her.

I find it really sad and disturbing that only one other poster has expressed concern and pity for the innocent little girl who is the object of such hatred from her own sibling. I find it quite horrifying that she kicked your baby bump all those years ago and is still holding a grudge.

I think your young vulnerable child is in danger and therefore must be a priority to protect. I really want to know the consequences to your sd from this act and if her mother is aware. You seem to be very aloof to a serious situation.

The person I feel for most here is your dd who is at risk.

I would think it is safe to say your daughter is not safe around your step child.

I read this thread and thought of Jamie Bulger, considering she shows no remorse that is quite alarming, I would say she needs to see a child psychologist urgently.

Bingo flabby chic -I was waiting for someone to make that reference.

Fabbychic -that was auto correct not an insult.

I got bingo too. And one for sociopath earlier.

fabby dunno about cancelling her Christmas... But wholeheartedly agree there MUST be consequences to her behaviour. Im sorry, but a 10 year old (one year away from secondary school) KNOWS that medicines are dangerous in large quantities, and are only to be dished out by mum or dad. SN kids are different obviously, but 10 is old enough to know.

She needs professional help, you are out of your depth OP.

She is ten she knows right from wrong, she knows the consequences of her actions.

Until she showed remorse of some kind I'd not let her stay overnight, or alone with the little one.

Sorry. Allowing her to get away with this which is what you will be doing if you don't change things will allow her behaviour to continue.

A1980
She sounds like a budding sociopath. She doesn't seem to grasp that other people exist apart from to suit her needs. I would keep my children away from her at all costs.

I had this thought to - obviously there would have to be more to it but I get the feeling there is. Its not a case of seeing the "worst" in children either or not looking for any positives - some people seem to really struggle with the fact that some people are just bad - nature versus nurture - who knows.

My DS is currently being bullied and harassed by a 10 year old who I fully believe will grow up to be a psychopath - all the signs are there. I did in initially have a lot of sympathy for this boy due to his background but when your DS has been physically and verbally assaulted in the manner that mine has and this boy has been shown to have a huge anger problem and is a calm pathological liar, well my sympathy is rapidly running out.

He has no fear of the Police or any form of punishment and has no understanding of other peoples feelings - basically he doesn't have a conscience. I have also concerns regarding the physical safety of his sister (and yes I have contacted his social worker) Now I'm not saying this girl id like this before anyone accuses me of an internet diagnosis - but it is a possibility.

My best friend was a step mum (until her twat of an h walked out on her as well). One of her step daughters was horrendous - stealing from her, lying to her, verbally abusing her, ignoring her, etc). My friend would often vent to me about how difficult she was and the terms used to describe this child were not at all complimentary, but I can guarantee you that the sd never knew. My friend took them in when their mum didn't want them any more, kept up weekend visits (before they moved in) when her exh was away for long periods with work and looked after them and was there for them as much as you would expect a mother to be.

Step parents can't be expected to love a step child in the same way that they love their own children, especially when the step child is being difficult (beyond reason) and they need somewhere to vent the frustrations that having an awkward step child brings. It does not mean they are a 'wicked step mother', it means they are human and find certain situations difficult.

i woudl get your dd checked out at a&e. of course whe is old enough to know better but she is still a child and a very unhappy and angry child. your dh and her mother need to deal with this, get to the reason why. she may be feeling rejected, anygry her father left, feeling unloved you can say that is all not true but if that is how she is feeling it is to her and you are the target as pushing you away is not what she fears but pushing her father away is

scurryfunge - why were you waiting? Children can and do commit crimes.

DuckyDodgers, I believe that a diagnosis of psychopathy is usually done by someone with both experience and training in matters psychological. My understanding is that the process that leads to such a diagnosis is usually complex, face to face and supported by interviews and close observations. I was also under the impression that it took care and time. Obviously I was wrong because here you are...

Duck, I know they do (I deal with them frequently). I was commenting on the inevitable comparison to the Bulger case. It is generally down to poor parenting when a child behaves like that. To assume children are evil is short sighted - plenty of reasons to explore why they behave like that before they are labelled as a budding psychopath.

I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old. I find it very hard to believe that any 10 year old would not know that medicines are dangerous and that you do not administer them to yourself or to another child. Not only are the vast majority of children told this by their parents, but drugs education is covered in Primary school and focuses on exactly this kind of issue - different amounts, medicines being good for one kind of person and dangerous for another (ages, different conditions etc).

I would be very, very worried about my ten year old if she did this to another child. There are very few scenarios created by ten year olds more concerning than this, and they're so rare they end up on the front of tabloid newspapers. There seems to be a lot of division on here between whether the child is some kind of criminally minded individual or a confused child in need of help. Well, criminally minded ten year olds are all also confused children in need of help. We have no way of making any kind of judgement on why this child did this, if she needs psychological help and if she is going to do something like this again. The people with parental responsibility for the ten year old need to get in contact with one of the outside agencies - mental health services, their GP, social services and get somebody to help the 10 year old.

A budding sociopath? What on earth?

Jesus Christ... Whatever she did (even on purpose) that was her cry for help. For the love of god do not label her without knowing the situation!

She sounds like a budding sociopath. She doesn't seem to grasp that other people exist apart from to suit her needs. I would keep my children away from her at all costs.

She is a very unhappy, mixed up little girl! I can't believe that people are treating her as evil personified.
I counted that to be 7 spoonfuls of medicine-I don't believe that she a, swallowed it all and b,she didn't have any side effects.

I would think that I would be an angry little girl if my father was with my sister all the time and I was an occasional visitor.
Whatever the problem, she need to be helped to come to terms with it and the family need advice on how to handle it. Outside, neutral help would be best.
Writing her off at 10 yrs old is a sure way to send her off on that path.
When OP married DH she got his DD for life. They came as a package.

Someone else pointed this out as well, but I am quite skeptical that a 5-year-old could accurately recall the color and flavor of seven different medicines a day after the fact.

I feel so sad for your DSD, I really do,to have so much of her childhood blighted by this jealousy and feeling second best to your dd.
But your DSD is part of the package that comes with your DH.You can't ban her from the house , sjhe is family not some visitor. The fact that you are even considering it speaks volumes.You just have, between you , to make sure that the 2 are never alone together and make sure your dh sometimes puts your dsd first and does things with her without your dd.

It actually makes me very angry that anyone can say that about a DC-of any age but especially when they are so young.

nfk did you read what I wrote? How about this bit Now I'm not saying this girl is like this before anyone accuses me of an internet diagnosis - but it is a possibility.??? So please show me exactly where I have diagnosed this girl as a pscyhopath - but you wont be so you cant so get off your high horse

And in my experience (Im a Psychiatric Nurse although not working in CAMH) a diagnosis can only be made by a Consultant Psychiatrist not a psychologist, and for a child it would be a Doctor from the CAMHS service. At least that's how I'm aware it works in my trust, others may be different.