Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

479 replies

Iloveagoodroast · 20/12/2011 14:01

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 20/12/2011 17:26

Why is it that the ex is being blamed but the DH is getting almost scott-free?

He needs to do something as well as the ex. Is he not her parent too?

nkf · 20/12/2011 17:27

I put my hand up - I blame the DH.

GertieGooseBoots · 20/12/2011 17:27

OldMumsy - I think there are far more constructive suggestions on here than to read "We Need to Talk About Kevin". You could even suggest she reads, you know, a parenting book or something? But WNTTAK? You may as well suggest she watches The Omen...

nkf · 20/12/2011 17:28

Or The Midwich Cuckoos?

Northernlurker · 20/12/2011 17:28

I certainly hold the dh very much to account. The situation should be managed by the three adults involved - with nobody having to shoulder the major share of the sorting out. The sd's mum MUST act - and if she isn't stepping that up then that in particular would make me reluctant to have the SD in the house with the younger child.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 20/12/2011 17:31

What a difficult situation.

I'm sorry, but if this is true and you dsd has in fact given your dd all those medicines; then she definitely needs some kind of professional help. It will only get worse as she grows older; are you really going to wait for something else to happen? You must protect your younger daughter. I would speak to your dsd's mother, try and get her onside. She should be concerned about this behaviour to say the least; I know I would be if I were her, regardless of how much I hated you!

If not, then I agree with those who say you need to have a chat with SS; because if you can't get all parties helping your dsd, then you are swimming way out of your depth. 10 is past the age of legal responsiblity, no?

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 20/12/2011 17:33

mynewpassion I agree. Where is the DH in all of this? He should be more available to both his children, not least the step daughter. I mean, maybe they should step back a few paces; just the DH take his elder daughter out of a weekend; much like an 'access visit' he'd have if there wasn't a new family on the scene.

OldMumsy · 20/12/2011 17:33

GertieGooseBoots actually most parenting books I've read have been pretty rubbish. I did actually suggest seeking professional help for the DSD as I think a book, even by the sainted Dr Spock ain't going to do much to address this issue. So come down from the moral high ground dear.

GertieGooseBoots · 20/12/2011 17:34

(And btw, I am not suggesting reading a parenting book as a possible solution, I am in the 'seek professional help' camp.)

GertieGooseBoots · 20/12/2011 17:34

x-post, but nice view from up here Xmas Grin

RedHelenB · 20/12/2011 17:41

Are you sure she did this? Did you find a medicine spoon, syringe, sticky stuff on the worktops? For a 10 year old to do this, put all the medicine away & for a 5 year old to take it all without a fuss does seem strange? I honestly don't think the 5 year old would adore her if she was routinely hurting her, I really don't.

mynewpassion · 20/12/2011 17:42

10 the age of legal responsibility? Not even close.

SardineQueen · 20/12/2011 17:43

hahaha at the omen

Yes I think some may have been watching that too much!

I agree with Oak

QuickLookBusy · 20/12/2011 17:44

Agree with itsbrandybutter's post.

I've got 2 DDs and was just thinking back to when they were 10 years old.
Unless DSD has SNs she should know that what she was doing was very wrong and dangerous.

I can understand why you are so angry but your DSD needs help. You and DH have to talk to her mum and decide how this is going to happen.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 20/12/2011 17:46

mynewpassion age of legal responsibility is 10 in England, 8 in Scotland.

A1980 · 20/12/2011 17:50

10 the age of legal responsibility? Not even close.

10 is the age of criminal responsibility. A 10 year old is deemed capable of committing a crime.

Re the comment above that there were no used spoons, sticky stuff on worktops, etc. Well a 10 year old can wash up a spoon you know. Also she didn't deny it when challenged by her father.

She sounds like a budding sociopath. She doesn't seem to grasp that other people exist apart from to suit her needs. I would keep my children away from her at all costs.

A1980 · 20/12/2011 17:52

age of legal responsibility is 10 in England, 8 in Scotland.

It isn't LEGAL responsibility, it's CRIMINAL responsibility.

A 10 year old is deemed capable of commiting a crime. But they do not have general legal responsibility at 10. In civil proceedings a minor needs a litigation friend to make decisions for them until they are 18 years old.

ThisIsAnExtremelyVeryGoodXmas · 20/12/2011 17:55

I find it astonishing that a 10 year old could open 7 child proof lids, cajole her sister into taking doses of all 7 and then clear up leaving no trace of what she'd done, not to mention the younger child having NO symptoms at all of any of the medication she'd supposedly taken. How long were they unsupervised, while both you and DH were upstairs vacuuming?

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 20/12/2011 17:58

I thought it was a grey area between 10-14? That it was taken on a case by case basis? And over 14 a person is always considered responsible? It was a few years ago when I did law though so it has probably been changed a million times since.
Anyway... Scary thread. I am in the "She needs help" camp. What she did was not normal - a 10yo would know not to do it in a role play 'hospital' situation.
I'm really concerned by how little DH sees of his DD. We moved closer to ex's house to be nearer their DCs, and started seeing them so much more. How near do you live to them?

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 20/12/2011 17:59

(I meant responsibility for having committed a crime, BTW, not general responsibility)

troisgarcons · 20/12/2011 18:09

When my now 11yo was about 2 1/2 he could climb sheer walls. DHs medication is top cupboard well out of reach. He was merrily playing, I went for a quick wee - and I am quick - I must have been gone all of a minute and a half (and yes I did wash my hands) - by the time I got back he'd managed to get up on the kitchen work surface, open the cupboard and hoy out all the medicines ..........diuretics, betablockers, metformin, aspirin oh the list is endless (heart pills, cholestrol pills, diabetic tablets) - plus I couldnt and have never found the entire contents of a bottle of Desmopressin my then Y7 was taking for bedwetting.

The hospital never took any bloods at all despite that lot being scattered over the kitchen floor. We must have spent 12 hours up there - and eventually they asked us to leave at 10-pm (DS is autistic) and they just couldnt cope with him - he showed no signs of actually having consumed anything. But it remains a total mystery where the desmopressin went. (Child proof bottle, 90 10mg tablets) I find it astonishing that a 10 year old could open 7 child proof lids if a child of not 3 can do it - its a piece of cake for a 10yo.

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 20/12/2011 18:10

Oh alright A1980

You get the picture anyway.

belgo · 20/12/2011 18:11

troisgarcons - did your ds wee at all while he was in hospital?

lljkk · 20/12/2011 18:12

My 10year olds would not understand the combined harm of the medicines, they taste like sweets, after all and a spoonful of anyone of them seems harmless enough. DC understand that I limit such meds, but I'm sure they don't quite understand why.

I can understand OP being upset but I wouldn't come down heavily on the 10yo; she would have known it was naughty but (if like my kids) not that it was dangerous to have them all together.

belgo · 20/12/2011 18:15

I have just spoken to my girls aged 7 and 6. They know that taking medicine or pills without mama or papa saying they can is wrong - but they don't know why exactly - and I have just spent several minutes trying to explain to that that medicines could make them very sick and would mean they had to go to the hospital.

A ten year old should know that taking medicines without permission is wrong.

Swipe left for the next trending thread