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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely spitting with rage at 'D'SD?

479 replies

Iloveagoodroast · 20/12/2011 14:01

My SD is 10. I have a very difficult relationship with her. I have honestly tried my best with her, but i have reached the end of my tether, She is ignorant, sullen and downright rude to me 99% of the time. My DD is 5 and worships the ground she walks on, yet SD is less than interested in her at best, nasty to her at worst.
DH and i have been together 7 years, married for 6 months and her behaviour towards me has always been the same (kicked me in the stomach when i was pg with DD and saying, "I hope that hurt her" is one of many examples. She was only 4 or 5 then)
Anyway, we only see her on a Sunday. Yesterday morning, DD tells me that "SD gave me some medicine out of the cupboard yesterday".
I ask which medicine, DD said, "All of them." A spoonful each of Calpol, Nurofen, Piriton, 2 adults cough medicine, an adults cold and flu medicine, and gaviscon!!!
I asked why the hell she did it (DD said SD told her she was getting a cold, she isn't, she's fine). I asked where i was when this was happening, DD said upstairs with Daddy hoovering, which is the only time they were alone downstairs so v likely.
AIBU to be so bloody angry i feel like killing* SD?! She could have done DD some serious bloody damage!!
DH went round there yesterday when i rang to tell him what DD told me, he said he went mad at her, asked her what the hell she was playing at and she could have made DD very sick, He said she just shrugged!!!!

She is due to spend Xmas day here, i do not want her anywhere near me or DD at the moment, i know it will spoil the day as i am so angry with her?
AIBU?

*obviously i wouldn't really!

OP posts:
LordOfTheFlies · 20/12/2011 16:47

Does your DSD mother see your DD OP?
With all this talk of equality, it's her daughters half sister?
Does she visit the DSD house.
Do you feel she is safe there?

If not, maybe your DH would be better seeing DSD somewhere neutral until you get the family therapy organised.
I'm sure, reading between the lines, that other things have happened between the stomach kicking and the medicine giving.

Rinkadinkpink · 20/12/2011 16:47

little witch-lovelyHmm please tell me you are not a step parent?

nkf · 20/12/2011 16:49

KittyAnne - if the OP had written that, it would be understandable. Nasty but understandable. You have no excuse.

SardineQueen · 20/12/2011 16:51

I find it interesting the way people are reacting.

Re-reading the OP it is clear that the OP really dislikes this girl. She describes her as "ignorant" - what does that even mean in relation to a 10yo? And gives one example of her DSD hitting her when she was 4. And that's it until this. Apart from being rude. Well big wows. It's hardly off the scale behaviour.

OldMumsy · 20/12/2011 16:51

GertieGooseBoots I have raised twin daughters to the age of 20 so far and they have never tried to do anything like what this girl did. I would be seriously worried about either of my kids if they had behaved like this. I would have sought medical/psychiatric help for the disturbed one and put every control I could in to protect the other child. Interestingly in the book I mentioned somewhat tongue in cheek the father was in complete denial about the way his son was behaving, with fatal consequences. Obviously this is fiction but similar things do happen in real life although they are very rare. The OPs DP needs to get his daughter seen by a professional.

Northernlurker · 20/12/2011 16:52

I've just asked my ten year old about medicines. She knows that too much could be harmful and she knows that I do the dosing. I asked if she knew how much was too much and she said 'yes, the right amount is on the bottle'

I think she's pretty typical of most 10 yr olds. I do not for one moment believe the OP's stepdaughter did NOT know this was wrong and harmful behaviour. I think she knew perfectly well she shouldn't be doing it.

I wouldn't have this child in my house until her attitude to me and my child had been assessed. If one of my own dcs behaved in this way I would immediately be seeking help for them. I also think the OP should take her own child to A&E now and stopp fannying about. I think there are issues here around the welfare of both dds and I would like to hear a lot more from Dad about how HE will be ensuring the safety and well-being of his wife and children.

altinkum · 20/12/2011 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rinkadinkpink · 20/12/2011 16:58

"I wouldnt have this child in my house"-I would hope that the dh might have something to say about that.

By the safety of his wife and children-I presume you are including the dsd in that? As other posters have pointed out-if they were full siblings you wouldnt banish one would you? so why should the dsd be treated like the second class citizen here?

MrsOzz · 20/12/2011 16:59

I got to about page 8 then just skipped to the end, so apologies if I have missed a major revelation....

I'm going to try and just give you some advice for improving your DSDs relationhip with you an your DH (and ignore the medicine incident as I think enough has been said on that already!).

I am from divorced and remarried parents and I can safely say at the age of 5 I knew a baby bump is precious and should not be kicked. By 10 I certainly knew the dangers of overdoses and what an overdose could lead to. I.e. I knew you could die from it, so it is scary your DSD still gave DD medicine.

Maybe she would benefit from professional help. But this takes time (and potentially money) so in the mean time you, DH and DSDs mother need to talk and become a united front. Hard I know! But she can pick up on your dislike of her mum, and her mothers dislike of you, and your DHs awkwardness stuck in the middle. If you are all in the same page, with the same rules and be consistent, it will most certainly help her to know certain behaviour and nasty talk will not be acceptable to any of her parents ears.

In order to help her feel more 'included' is there any way he could have a mobile phone to text and call her dad, her mum and you whenever she needs to. It could help her feel more in control.

Also, a 10 year old isn't as young as we think. She is growing into a young lady now and needs to be given respect from all her parents. I think the 'united parents' will be the hard part, but the most necessary.

Good luck OP. it's a tough one which I hope will get better.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 20/12/2011 17:01

I have had a friends 10yo dd, my 5yo dd and my 7yo ds play unsupervised in my home for the entire day with only adult contact being to supply drinks and food. I certainly wouldn't call it neglect. But if said 10yo who most definitely knows not to take medicine without an adult gave my 5yo medicine, the 5yo would take it as she looks to the older child for direction which is natural.
I think op really needs to be seeking professional help in this situation as the older child's behaviour is NOT normal regardless of its cause, it would have to be a very naive 10yo not to realise the consequences of taking lots of medicines, especially for a much younger child.
There reason behind this may be jealousy, or it may be anger, or it may be the bad influence of the older child's mother, but whatever the cause it won't make the outcome any less serious if she does it or something worse again.

SusanneLinder · 20/12/2011 17:01

KittyAnne-what a helpful post!

ChristmasFuckers · 20/12/2011 17:02

But does op really want to help step daughter? Or does she wants to forget about her and use this situation as a excuse?

altinkum · 20/12/2011 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 20/12/2011 17:03

Actually Rink - if I thought one of my children was a risk to the other I would be looking at how I could temporarily ensure their safety by seperating them yes. The OP's dh is in a very difficult position yes - but the OP's child is much younger and very vulnerable. The op's stepdaughter has a safe home where she lives most of the time. It's entirely proportionate to keep her away from the flashpoint location whilst working to ensure an improvement on all sides. Yes of course children includes the stepdaughter. If I meant one child I would have said 'child' Hmm

Oakmaiden · 20/12/2011 17:04

I don't know, Northern Lurker - I mean there are 10 year olds and then there are 10 year olds...

There are lots of things that COULD be behind this. I find the inference that some people have made - that the child was deliberately trying to kill or seriously harm her sister - a bit over the top though.

Yes, most 10 year olds know that the correct dose for a medicine is on the bottle and that an adult should give medicine. They also know that too much medicine is bad for you. However, I am a lot less certain that most children of this age know that you shouldn't mix medicines - I have heard of enough adults who don't properly understand this to feel it is entirely probably.

And the older girl gave her sister what sounds like a "proper dose" of each medicine - not spoonfuls of the same one, but one of each. So I would really want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was probably trying to be helpful. Yes, it was still naughty and that needs to be dealt with - but it is possible it wasn't malicious.

My immediate reaction to the OP though was that the OP really doesn't like the child, and that she is clearly holding grudges over things the child did when she was TINY. And she admits herself that they have a difficult relationship. I don't have anything helpful to suggest there - I wish I did. But I feel very sorry for them all - the OP, the SD and the father and daughter too. It must be very difficult.

But I wish that people would try to see the best in others, rather than the worst. It is much easier to be positive if you search for the good things.

EdithWeston · 20/12/2011 17:06

I have to say that if my child had been given an unspecified amount, and possible significant overdose, of paracetamol containing medicine, I'd be in A&E straightaway. Treatment options reduce over time and so establishing what the level is in the blood as soon as possible after ingestion is important (the red flag here is that the child was given a mixture of adult strength preparations, not just child suspensions from which harmful overdose is vanishingly rare).

I think the choice of the word "ignorant" in OP might be spot on. If SD does not know the dangers of medicines, then this is ignorance which needs to be remedied asap.

If however it proves she does know the dangers of what she did, then this is a deliberate malicious act to the other child. if she were mainly resident with you, then you would not have the option of throwing her out. So perhaps one step is to childproof the house again (as if you had toddlers) and supervise as if DCs were still toddlers. That should at least mean physical safetyis assured.

I agree with posters who suggest seeking some form of family therapy.

Rinkadinkpink · 20/12/2011 17:06

Excellent post oak

Northernlurker · 20/12/2011 17:08

Thing is - if the op's child had been unwell it would be much easier to ascribe an 'innocent' (for want of a better word) motive to the SD. But in fact she was fine and the SD told her she was ill. This is behaviour which is concerning. It's not within norms for a child of that age. Two 5 yr olds playing together yes. The SD ignores the younger d. Why go to all the trouble of accessing medication for a child you don't like?

The op needs to work with her dh and the sd's mother to resolve this. She doesn't seem massively pro-active atm.

Oakmaiden · 20/12/2011 17:09

Sorry Northernlurker - I just ahppen to be replying to your posts - not trying to argue with me, but you keep making points which I want to answer!

Anyway - I had a situation which I don't want to say too much about for obvious reasons, but one of my children was considered a danger to another of my children. SS were involved. However, there was never any suggestion that I should try to keep the children separate or offer any punishment, but merely that I should ensure that the children did not spend time together alone and unsupervised. (ie I made one another's bedrooms out of bounds).

I think in the short term this is what the op will need to do. It shouldn't be about ostracising the SD, but merely about carefully watching the children when they are together.

Oakmaiden · 20/12/2011 17:10

type - not trying to argue with YOU

alistron1 · 20/12/2011 17:13

OP, how does DSD manage other relationships i.e school? Does she have issues with anger in general? Obviously you are feeling protective of your younger DD, but please do not lose sight of the fact that you have a DSD who appears to be in need of help. A happy, well adjusted child does not carry such anger around with them. Shouting/banishing/excluding may well exacerbate her issues and make her feel sadder, more angry and more isolated. The poor kid.

squeakytoy · 20/12/2011 17:13

I find it quite astounding that a 10yr old would be able to open 7 different bottles, pour 7 spoonfulls, and not spill a drop on the floor.. I doubt I could even manage that!.

wantstosleepnow · 20/12/2011 17:14

Is it possible the DSD was trying to make the DD drowsy? When my sister was about 14 she slipped an AD in my tea(I was 10) so I would be to tired to go shopping with mum and then just her and mum would go.

She only told me this a few years ago but I do remember sleeping all day once.

She certainly wasn't evil though, and I don't think your DSD is either, I think at 10 if she wanted to cause harm she would have gave your DD
More, as other people have pointed out that at 10 she would know that too
Much is bad, perhaps that's why she gave her 1 of each?

Northernlurker · 20/12/2011 17:18

I know you're not arguing with me Oak Grin I just think that excluding the sd from the place where these problems have happened isn't the worst idea in the world, given the situation and as a mother it's what I would be tempted to want. I also feel sorry for the SD - she's plainly in a bit of a state.

Oakmaiden · 20/12/2011 17:21

It is difficult though, because of course the safety of the children is paramount - but at the same time the emotional wellbeing of the children is pretty important too - and the younger child adores her sister and would probably feel very sad if she could no longer see her. And the older child would almost certainly be badly affected by such action.

I just think that it should be possible to manage the situation without resorting to sending the older child away.