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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wibu or was DH re roast beef...

165 replies

therealsantaisagrinch · 20/12/2011 08:59

Apologies if this turns into a long one but don't want to drip feed...

background: DH works varying shifts, I am a full time funded PhD student plus I have a part time job so we are both full time workers out of the home. We have dd who is 2, plus my DS (DH's DSS) who is 12 and DH's DD (DSD) who is 16 living with us so its a pretty full house. I would say that I do about 95-99% of the cooking....

Last week I bought a nice joint of beef and decided to either cook it as a roast at the weekend or the next evening that most of us were around. DS went to his dads on Friday and is back late Tuesday. On Saturday night DH was working and DSD went to a party (I went and picked her up later that night) and DD is around every night but in bed by 7... DH was also due to work a late shift on Sunday.

So, I decided to cook up the joint on Sunday and then do an actual roast with it on Monday evening (last night) after I had gotten back from work and DD was in bed. I chose to cook it on Sunday along with some baked potatoes (DSD and I had them on Sunday) to save time on Monday. I also cooked some extra baked potatoes for DH and DSD to have on Monday as neither were working/at college. When DH got back from work I explained to him that the joint of beef in the fridge in the foil was for Monday for a roast and asked him not to touch it but that there was baked potatoes etc (in fact the fridge was full of food!). I repeated this a couple of times as he doesn't always listen/remember what I have asked and all seemed fine...

Monday I went to work as usual, dropped DD off to nursery etc and at about lunchtime I had a text and phone call asking how long to re-heat the potatoes etc and a general chat... later I had another phone call about something or another and the odd text... I finished work, picked up DD and got home at about 5:45... then after about 5-10 mins DH announced that he had had some beef in a sandwich at about 4pm so that was his portion!

I was furious! I told him he was out of order and reminded him that I had specifically asked him to not touch the beef so that we could have a nice roast together that night (we don't eat together often) and that he had totally disrespected my wishes. I was so angry with him I went upstairs to get some space from him and yes, I actually had a small cry. After about 10 mins he came up and tried to apologise but didn't really apologise as he still didn't see that what he had done was wrong. I was so upset that he had totally disregarded what I had asked and had ruined what was going to be a nice sit down roast together that I had to leave the house to get away before I said too much. I gave dd a kiss and told DH he had to put her to bed as I was going out for a little bit. He was angry with me for the way I was reacting and he said it wasn't a big deal etc... if I had wanted to eat a roast with just me and DSD I would have done that on the Sunday but I wanted to eat with my husband!

I actually only went and sat in the car for an hour, and then came back in and ran a bath. Whilst I was in the bath DH cooked some fishfingers, chips and a fried egg. I got out of the bath and went and sat in the bedroom to read as I was still upset and DH called me on the mobile and told me to come downstairs for food and got annoyed that I was still upset... I went down and ate the food and we watched TV together but DH still maintained that he had done nothing wrong.

I went to bed before DH and strangely slept through until DD woke me at 6, then when DH woke for his shift at about 6:45 he started having a go at me, telling me I need to control my temper and to get a grip because all he had done was eat some beef. I hadn't said anything at this point, it was DH bringing it all up and in my opinion trying to make out that I was the only one in the wrong and that it was all his fault...

so.... apologies for the length again, but was IBU at being upset, or was DH BU for eating the beef?

OP posts:

jkklpu · 20/12/2011 09:04

Sounds as though this really isn't the full story, OP. On its own, it doesn't sound like a cardinal sin. But is it part of a pattern of you feeling that your dh doesn't respect you/you/he over-react in conflict situations?

DeeOfTheNorthPole · 20/12/2011 09:04

Well he was BU to eat the beef but I do feel your reaction to it was somewhat OTT!

Are you upset or stressed about anything else at the moment? It sounds like you're under some pressure and the beef thing may have been a 'last straw' type event?

MilkNoSugarPlease · 20/12/2011 09:04

I think I'd find it very hard to get THAT upset over him eating some beef frankly....

Shakirasma · 20/12/2011 09:05

I can understand you being a bit disappointed, but I think yours was a total over reaction.
Is there more to it?

gettingalifenow · 20/12/2011 09:06

Ah, poor you, Sounds like you had a lovely evening planned in your mind but you DH just didnt know it! And to make it worse, you'd obvsously been planning it for several days and its all got a bit out of proportion in your mind.

I bet your DH genuiely doesnt get what you're so upset about, and if it weren't the stress of Christmas time, I think you wouldnt either.

Just because you are being a teensy bit U doesnt mean your feelings arent genuine though, and your DH could be a little more comforting.

But don't let something so silly spoil the run up to Christmas - smile and move on.

Trills · 20/12/2011 09:11

Did he eat so much of it that you wouldn't be able to use it for dinner?

spanky2 · 20/12/2011 09:13

To him it is just a sandwich, to you it is not being listened to, leading to your opinion not mattering. Me and dh are exactly the same. I think removing yourself from the situation to calm down is exactly the right thing to do. Men are different to us, things we think are important they don't. Men blame and women feel guilty. He knows he was wrong, and is trying to get out of it, same as my dh. He may not have said sorry, but he did cook you tea, which to me is saying sorry. My dh says exactly the same thing about my temper when he knows he is wrong. It sounds like you did control it, as you went out to calm down. Maybe next time put a note on the joint saying HANDS OFF!!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 09:21

I can see why it's the last straw.

There's a couple of things in your OP that would bother me - hope it's ok to say?

You say you're a fully funded, full time PhD student. Yet you're working a second job and doing 90% of the cooking. That sounds like quite a lot of work. I'm a PhD student and it's my full-time job, and takes full time too - and I don't have a family to care for. You are obviously incredibly committed and hardworking and I have no idea how you do it.

Does your DH quite realize how much you are doing? I'm not making assumptions about him, but asking because I think often partners don't quite realize that a PhD is not really comparable to a taught course, and it is full time work. You don't mention how much your DH works other than shifts, and it sounds as if you're a very busy family ... but are you taking the brunt of it?

If you feel ok to say a bit more about the domestic set up, who does what, it might explain why this bothered you so much.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 09:22

He could have had a
Meat free dinner and still sat down and ate together

Instead you flipped your lid and acted like a tantruming toddler. WAY OTT!!!

There has got to be more to this that beef because otherwise YABVU and ridiculously dramatic

Yourefired · 20/12/2011 09:23

From reading sounds like a communication problem, not someone out of order one. I need to spell things like this out to DH, the same way he has to spell out work stuff to me. Hard to find the time when you're both so busy isn't it sometimes. Now if he'd done the same with the turkey on Christmas day you could legitimately have used him as stuffing.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 09:24

Btw ... I have to be honest - if I'd done nothing more than cry and criticise my DH (heck even if I'd shouted), I would have been furious to be told I 'needed' to control my temper. That is not an appropriate response to an adult.

chinam · 20/12/2011 09:27

I'm sorry, but based on your opening post YABVU. If there really is no more to the whole thing than him eating the beef at the wrong time - which I admit would annoy me, you really do need to look at how you handle what is a relatively minor thing.

StupidLikeButton · 20/12/2011 09:28

It sounds like something many men do....it sounds like you had placed an emtional meaning onto the idea of a family meal which he didn't feel and that;s why you got so upset....that's the issue...not that he ate some beef...

tardisjumper · 20/12/2011 09:29

YANBU

In a family takign food from the fridge that is clearly for a big meal is out of order. Coming from a slightly different perspective one of my sisters did it when we were teenagers and I remember the rest of the family being quite cross and upset.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 20/12/2011 09:29

Can see why you're pissed, but really, I can't help but wonder what you're reaction would be if there was ever a really big issue.

oranges · 20/12/2011 09:30

but she was upset the evening it happened, then calmed down and went to bed. Her dh woke up in the morning and decided it was his "turn" to be angry so I'm not she was the one going over the top.

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 09:32

YABU.

Just because you wanted him to eat his beef at the same time as you, doesn't men he should have to if he doesn't want to. He took one portion, he didn't take yours or anyone elses. He has the right to eat his own beef when he wants to!

If you had wanted to have a family meal together, then you would have been better off asking him if he would like to do that too. If he agreed and said yes, then changed the plan, you would have a reason to be annoyed. As it is, you told him what you wanted and then just assumed/expected him to fall into line. You have no reason to be upset with him.

Next time you want to do a family meal, talk about it before just deciding on behalf of other people what will be happening.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 09:32

She didn't calm down and went to bed

She was furious and so angry she went upstairs to get away, and was still upset when H called her
Down for food. Se hadn't calmed down and just went upstairs to chill, she had thrown her toys out of the pram

Over some beef.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:32

yanbu, he spoiled a nice planned meal as you don't eat together often. He ignored your wishes about not touching the beef when there was other food. I'm surprised he doesn't get that and surprised at folk telling you yabu.

SantasBigSack · 20/12/2011 09:34

TBF though, it is not an approprite response to cry and shout over a bit of beef.

You sound stressed out OP. I remember being like that a few years ago. Trying to be Superwoman, studying, working, raising my DS, cooking cleaning etc. It was as if I was trying to PROVE to everyone that I could do it all. Eventually it came to a head and I cryed for help. My DP was baffled, he couldnt undertand why I hadnt asked for help, I couldnt understand that he hadnt seen me struggling. We eventuallly sat down and talked about it like adults. Now things are on a fairly even keel, with thinngs split as evenly as possible.

My rambling point is, that it seems to me its more than the beef, but you do need to sit down and communicate, not sulk and cry in your room. Your DH needs to listen more. Its Chrstmas week, go have a chat and make it up to each other.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 09:35

I'm pretty sure the actual beef and her reaction aren't really the main issue here ...

Apologies OP if that is incorrect but honestly, I doubt she usually behaves like this about a joint of meat or she wouldn't be posting as if it were a big crisis, would she?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:37

OP clearly told her DH what the deal was going to be - read the OP. If he objected he had every chance to do so 24hrs before planned meal. He didn't, so therefore should not have eaten said beef as he was well aware of the situation.

PattySimcox · 20/12/2011 09:37

I think you're reaction was disproportionate to him eating some beef.

I often don't fancy what's planned for lunch and start nibbling nice food.

If there was only enough beef for the meal and hed had his share then I'd have done dinner as planned and not put meat on his plate.

PopcornMouseInAReindeerJumper · 20/12/2011 09:37

YANBU to be upset, but you went waaaaaay OTT. He could have had fish fingers with his roast veggies while you all ate beef, and it would have still been a together sit-down meal.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 09:38

LRD we can really only go on the OP though because anything else is just speculation. And as OP herself said she was getting it all down so as not to drip feed I can only conclude that this IS about beef

We are not psychic

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