wibu or was DH re roast beef...

[therealsantaisagrinch]

Apologies if this turns into a long one but don't want to drip feed...

background: DH works varying shifts, I am a full time funded PhD student plus I have a part time job so we are both full time workers out of the home. We have dd who is 2, plus my DS (DH's DSS) who is 12 and DH's DD (DSD) who is 16 living with us so its a pretty full house. I would say that I do about 95-99% of the cooking....

Last week I bought a nice joint of beef and decided to either cook it as a roast at the weekend or the next evening that most of us were around. DS went to his dads on Friday and is back late Tuesday. On Saturday night DH was working and DSD went to a party (I went and picked her up later that night) and DD is around every night but in bed by 7... DH was also due to work a late shift on Sunday.

So, I decided to cook up the joint on Sunday and then do an actual roast with it on Monday evening (last night) after I had gotten back from work and DD was in bed. I chose to cook it on Sunday along with some baked potatoes (DSD and I had them on Sunday) to save time on Monday. I also cooked some extra baked potatoes for DH and DSD to have on Monday as neither were working/at college. When DH got back from work I explained to him that the joint of beef in the fridge in the foil was for Monday for a roast and asked him not to touch it but that there was baked potatoes etc (in fact the fridge was full of food!). I repeated this a couple of times as he doesn't always listen/remember what I have asked and all seemed fine...

Monday I went to work as usual, dropped DD off to nursery etc and at about lunchtime I had a text and phone call asking how long to re-heat the potatoes etc and a general chat... later I had another phone call about something or another and the odd text... I finished work, picked up DD and got home at about 5:45... then after about 5-10 mins DH announced that he had had some beef in a sandwich at about 4pm so that was his portion!

I was furious! I told him he was out of order and reminded him that I had specifically asked him to not touch the beef so that we could have a nice roast together that night (we don't eat together often) and that he had totally disrespected my wishes. I was so angry with him I went upstairs to get some space from him and yes, I actually had a small cry. After about 10 mins he came up and tried to apologise but didn't really apologise as he still didn't see that what he had done was wrong. I was so upset that he had totally disregarded what I had asked and had ruined what was going to be a nice sit down roast together that I had to leave the house to get away before I said too much. I gave dd a kiss and told DH he had to put her to bed as I was going out for a little bit. He was angry with me for the way I was reacting and he said it wasn't a big deal etc... if I had wanted to eat a roast with just me and DSD I would have done that on the Sunday but I wanted to eat with my husband!

I actually only went and sat in the car for an hour, and then came back in and ran a bath. Whilst I was in the bath DH cooked some fishfingers, chips and a fried egg. I got out of the bath and went and sat in the bedroom to read as I was still upset and DH called me on the mobile and told me to come downstairs for food and got annoyed that I was still upset... I went down and ate the food and we watched TV together but DH still maintained that he had done nothing wrong.

I went to bed before DH and strangely slept through until DD woke me at 6, then when DH woke for his shift at about 6:45 he started having a go at me, telling me I need to control my temper and to get a grip because all he had done was eat some beef. I hadn't said anything at this point, it was DH bringing it all up and in my opinion trying to make out that I was the only one in the wrong and that it was all his fault...

so.... apologies for the length again, but was IBU at being upset, or was DH BU for eating the beef?

and for anyone who hasnt seen the clip

beef curtains

He was BU for not listening to you, he was also being VUR to bring it up again the next morning and tell you to watch your temper. That would have been a red rag to a bull for me if DH had spoken to me like that.

YABU for over reacting. You were way OTT.
I understand that it would annoy you that your DH had gone against what you had asked him to do (or not to do as is the case), but you massively over reacted over it.

Is there more to this story? Are you under a lot of stress right now? IF NOT then I do think you need to deal with why a peace of beef would cause you to over react like you did.

bluddymofo the jackets weren't being cooked to reheat with the roast - they were being cooked for the meal the night before and the lunch, the roast was in the evening (why you'd roast the meat the day before, and how you'd roast the potatoes are entirely seperate questions, indeed the whole story sounds ludicrous to me, why would you ask you repeatedly tell your DP not to touch something in the fridge, why would DP need to text and phone call on how to reheat a potato)

On the info contained the OP is bonkers and VU, but I think it's quite likely that there's a lot more to the story if it's not just completely made up.

I often cook meat for a roast, especially beef, the day before we eat it. It slices much easier after it has cooled.

Thank you everyone for the comments... I have read about half so far and wanted to answer a few questions... then I will read the rest and answer again if need be..

There is history, I have posted before using different names about various things but basically DH often acts in a selfish manner and I am expected to just put up with it. He criticises the house etc and yet doesn't want to do any extra in the house himself and then moans when I am running around like a blue arsed fly trying to do everything because apparently I never relax...

Yes, I am a full time PhD student in the write up stage so trying to write 100,000 words and analysing my data. I receive a bursary which is the same as his income. I am expected to do a minimum of 35 hours per week. We originally had an agreement that he would do 50/50 childcare around his shifts so that we could minimise childcare costs... that reduced to 2-4 hours once or twice a week on varying days and was unsustainable so I had to put DD into full time childcare, which costs £1100 a month... I managed to get £3000 from uni for the last 6 months of my PhD towards this as a hardship grant and that has buffered us a bit but money is still very very tight. We receive no maintenance from DSDs mum (she doesnt work) and I receive a small amount from DS's dad which with my contribution does cover his needs. We don't qualify for housing benefit as they won't count my 'work' as work and therefore claim we don't need childcare. I also currently work an additional 7.5-10 hours per week as an admin assistant to help with the family income and have an interview in January for another job which would be 15 hours per week and then that would bring us to the level of hours in paid employment for tax credit help with childcare costs. The downside of this is that I will then be working 35+15+7.5 (57.5 hours) per week.

DH insists on keeping a minimum of £50 a week from his wages for beer/treats. His travel and lunches come out of the household budget, and he goes to have a pint or two (or four) 2-4 times a week. I keep about £10-20 max per week from my income for the odd coffee/snack at uni.

At home I do all the driving (DH can't), all the grocery shopping, all the birthday/xmas present buying/wrapping etc, all the laundry, 90-98% of the cooking and the odd bit of washing up. The DC do 2 nights of washing up each and I have taught DSD how to wash her clothes (she doesnt want them in with ours). DH tidies, and hoovers a few times a week (was agreed as I am a chronic asthmatic and it exasperates me to hoover). He puts DD to bed 2-4 times a month. I wake with her in the night and get up with her pretty much every morning which can be anytime from 6am onwards. DH gets her up 1-2 times a month when I can have a lie in until 9 at which point he brings her up and wakes me. He lies in 3-4 times per week, often when he is working 2-10pm he will stay in bed until 10am, the odd weekend that he is off we split as long as I say about it and then again he will get up at about 10-11am.

He went through a stage of drinking any alcohol that was in the house regardless of what it was for even if I asked him not to, and that was usually after I had gone to bed. He has stopped doing that now and for ages I refused to buy any and if I did I had to hide it. Likewise any Xmas treats I have had to put in un-obviousness cupboards or else he would just eat it whilst everyone else was in bed...

He has called me a robot in the past, criticises me for being 'obsessed' with my phd (i'm not) and its true, I don't think he understands how much work it is nor is he interested....

I admit I over reacted. I didn't go to bed angry though, we sat and watched TV for a while and I gave him a kiss goodnight when I went up at 11. I thought it was pretty much done with until he started again this morning....

Frankly, he sounds almost threatened by your PhD, saying you are 'obsessed'. Most men would be proud and would be trying to find ways to make your life easier - not having you working 57 hours a week FFS! That is absurd.

It sounds as if you know this is an untenable situation, and you're getting into petty rows because of it. But you need to sit him down and explain that he is not being fair and that you feel you are doing all the work along with two jobs.

Does he know he's not pulling his weight, or is does he feel that it's really your job? What happens when you discuss his role - or do you discuss it?

IMO these things need to be the subject of a serious (not angry) conversation asap. You cannot sensibly do a PhD under these circumstances and you will quickly make yourself ill trying to do all of this.

ok...

the jackets were for Sunday night (with mixed beans) but I did extra for Monday lunchtime for DH and DSD.

DH ate the jackets at lunchtime, along with other bits and pieces and snacked all afternoon until at 4pm he decided to unwrap the beef and attack that. It was not leftovers, it was tightly wrapped to keep some moisture in. I had cooked it on the Sunday as if I had left it until Monday we wouldn't have eaten until about 9pm...

I was going to make roast potatoes for the family roast on Monday night that DH knew about and had agreed to have.

I do 95-98% of the cooking because otherwise we wouldn't eat, or it would be chips at about 9pm. I have asked all the house to suggest meals so we can plan and shop accordingly and all have been crap at giving me suggestions and so I do a range of meals and openly encourage others to cook - they don't. They are all lazy buggers who expect me to be the slave in the kitchen.

sorry bluddy.... I wanted some perspective on this issue alone, but then people started asking about any other issues and I saw that actually yes, it was part of a bigger picture...

apologies again...

I agree with LRD, I'm doing a PhD too and it is a lot of work and you have to be a bit obsessed with your research sometimes! I don't think I could cope with mine if I had to do a part-time job and look after several children as well.

It does sound like he needs to be doing more of the household/family chores and responsibilities, so you have a more equal workload. But that's what you need to talk about, not crying and sulking because he ate a slice of beef.

I'm not sure 'encouraging' them to cook will do it - can you draw up a rota? A 12 year old and a 16 year old are big enough to take responsibility for simple meals and even if they just get used to putting a scratch lunch on the table at weekends or doing pasta and sauce once a week, it'd help you.

OTOH, your DH could get awfully bored of chips if you let him, and then he might come round to cooking something decent.

LRD -I am sure that he does know he isn't pulling he weight but he convinces himself that he does... he even dared to tell me last week he does more childcare than i do... (this weekend for example he did nothing..., last night he put DD to bed, thats about it this week..)

I know its untenable long term but I just need to survive for about 6 months more whilst I get ready to submit then I can try and get some publications done and get a permanent proper job, funding runs out in April hence the 2 extra jobs to be honest...

thereal it is so easy to get distracted from the actual issue into trivialities, everyone does it!

Btw there's a fair few of us as well as ephiny and me in this situation and several MNers are doing PhDs with children (unlike me!) ... it might be worth having another thread with a more PhD-specific title to get advice on that angle. It is something that's unlike all sorts of other kinds of work and I've had some brilliant advice on here about how to get my DH to understand what's going on and how we can find a balance while I'm working on it.

Yes .... but, look, don't think I'm being unsympathetic here, but if it's untenable now, how will it change when you get a job? Do you think he will respond differently because he doesn't see the PhD as 'real' work? Or are you assuming that extra money would solve the immediate issues?

I'm just worried that I don't see what would change in six months if it can't change now.

*All of you who find it 'disrespectful'.

Imagine this:

It is lunch time and you are hungry. You open the fridge and you are faced with nice juicy beef looking at you. There is also mustard in the fridge. And nice sliced bread. What do you do? Honestly. 'Oh i must respect my dh' or 'yum yum'?

Have you never ate the xmas choc/pistachios, got a little piece of the corner of the bday cake?
Liars! grin*

I'd say "mm that'll be nice for later, what else in in this fridge full of food for my lunch."

I have self control, if my DH asked me not to eat it as it was for tea later...I wouldn't. Comparing eating something specifically requested not to be eaten to sneaking a few pistachios is stupid.

Can I ask you OP..and dont take it wrong because I really feel for you, can I ask what has happened in your life that has caused you to think you deserve to be treated this way. He is supposed to be you PARTNER..Its not going to improve once you get a job..the only thing that will change is that he will be saying "oh you are obsessed with your job!"

'stupid' DoesNot?

Comparing to what it has been said in this thread?

I hope Santa brings you a grip. You sound fun to live with (no).

^What santas said.

This is not how a partner behaves.

wouldn't have eaten the beef either. It wouldn't be about someone 'controlling' me, it would be about manners. If I couldn't do the meal, I would have just said at the time. I think it was clear that it was some sort of 'event' meal. Would it have been that hard to go along with it? or explain that you couldn't? If he had and she'd reacted that way I would have agreed about the OTT.

Anyway, OP sounds like you can sum up your feelings about the relationship in this way: he takes out more than he puts in.

Am I on target with that?

Laquitar - what's so hard to understand about the OP planning a meal, cooking part of it in advance and expect that it wouldn't been eaten when they asked for it not to be.

Slightly different from nicking some pistachios, do you understand that? That's why it's a stupid comparison.

What does any of it it have to do with what it's like to live with me? Can you enlighten me? Please do, I'm eager to hear what you have to say?

DoesNot calm down and add a grip in your xmas wish list.

Ahh, so you're just attacking me personally (clicks report) because you know I'm right. Jolly good, carry on

As you, BluddyMoFo are clearly a BluddyMoFo.