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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wibu or was DH re roast beef...

165 replies

therealsantaisagrinch · 20/12/2011 08:59

Apologies if this turns into a long one but don't want to drip feed...

background: DH works varying shifts, I am a full time funded PhD student plus I have a part time job so we are both full time workers out of the home. We have dd who is 2, plus my DS (DH's DSS) who is 12 and DH's DD (DSD) who is 16 living with us so its a pretty full house. I would say that I do about 95-99% of the cooking....

Last week I bought a nice joint of beef and decided to either cook it as a roast at the weekend or the next evening that most of us were around. DS went to his dads on Friday and is back late Tuesday. On Saturday night DH was working and DSD went to a party (I went and picked her up later that night) and DD is around every night but in bed by 7... DH was also due to work a late shift on Sunday.

So, I decided to cook up the joint on Sunday and then do an actual roast with it on Monday evening (last night) after I had gotten back from work and DD was in bed. I chose to cook it on Sunday along with some baked potatoes (DSD and I had them on Sunday) to save time on Monday. I also cooked some extra baked potatoes for DH and DSD to have on Monday as neither were working/at college. When DH got back from work I explained to him that the joint of beef in the fridge in the foil was for Monday for a roast and asked him not to touch it but that there was baked potatoes etc (in fact the fridge was full of food!). I repeated this a couple of times as he doesn't always listen/remember what I have asked and all seemed fine...

Monday I went to work as usual, dropped DD off to nursery etc and at about lunchtime I had a text and phone call asking how long to re-heat the potatoes etc and a general chat... later I had another phone call about something or another and the odd text... I finished work, picked up DD and got home at about 5:45... then after about 5-10 mins DH announced that he had had some beef in a sandwich at about 4pm so that was his portion!

I was furious! I told him he was out of order and reminded him that I had specifically asked him to not touch the beef so that we could have a nice roast together that night (we don't eat together often) and that he had totally disrespected my wishes. I was so angry with him I went upstairs to get some space from him and yes, I actually had a small cry. After about 10 mins he came up and tried to apologise but didn't really apologise as he still didn't see that what he had done was wrong. I was so upset that he had totally disregarded what I had asked and had ruined what was going to be a nice sit down roast together that I had to leave the house to get away before I said too much. I gave dd a kiss and told DH he had to put her to bed as I was going out for a little bit. He was angry with me for the way I was reacting and he said it wasn't a big deal etc... if I had wanted to eat a roast with just me and DSD I would have done that on the Sunday but I wanted to eat with my husband!

I actually only went and sat in the car for an hour, and then came back in and ran a bath. Whilst I was in the bath DH cooked some fishfingers, chips and a fried egg. I got out of the bath and went and sat in the bedroom to read as I was still upset and DH called me on the mobile and told me to come downstairs for food and got annoyed that I was still upset... I went down and ate the food and we watched TV together but DH still maintained that he had done nothing wrong.

I went to bed before DH and strangely slept through until DD woke me at 6, then when DH woke for his shift at about 6:45 he started having a go at me, telling me I need to control my temper and to get a grip because all he had done was eat some beef. I hadn't said anything at this point, it was DH bringing it all up and in my opinion trying to make out that I was the only one in the wrong and that it was all his fault...

so.... apologies for the length again, but was IBU at being upset, or was DH BU for eating the beef?

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 09:39

But fig, it was only planned as something special in OP's head. Her dh is not a mind reader. If he had known that it was important to her, then I would hope that he'd have sacrificed his sandwich. But he didn't know, all he knew was that there was beef to be eaten on Monday evening.

He probably just though 'I'm hungry, I'll eat my share now'. In his mind, it was probably that simple.

mumto2andnomore · 20/12/2011 09:40

Sounds like he fancied a sandwich rather than a roast dinner, nothing wrong with that, its not like he ate it all leaving you with no dinner !

You sound like you went completely OTT but there must be other issues going on ?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 09:42

kay, I am going on what the OP said.

She is clearly telling us about an unusual reaction, not her habitual response to her DH nicking food out of the fridge. I don''t see how the OP makes any sense otherwise?

I totally agree that this is not how most of us would react to the situation, but obviously there is something bigger amiss or we wouldn't be given all this info about how hard they both work, and who does what, and so on.

Mutt · 20/12/2011 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasBigSack · 20/12/2011 09:45

I think as someone said above, she put an emotional value on the meal, which was not communicated proprly. She then acted out when things did not go as planned and still continued to strop when he called her down for food.

He ate a bit of beef. Not all. His portion only. Whats the big deal in that?

My DH went out last night. He had bought himself some naice crisps for the munchies he would have when he came home. I ate most of them last night. They were specifically for him, they are not soething that I would eat usually and he was really looking forward to them. Did he give out? Cry in the bedroom? Sulk? Eh no. Sometimes, you fancy a different bit of food. He is an adult,its our food. No big deal.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:45

Slave how is it acceptable to eat the beef when specifically asked not to touch it?

I agree it sounds a bit like the straw that broke the camels back.

Mutt · 20/12/2011 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 09:49

Some people do mind about meals being spoilt. My mum would - she takes pride in her cooking and likes civilized meals, not everyone grabbing snacks or eating different things. My brothers are the same. I don't give much of a shit TBH, but I know not everyone is like that.

The point is that the OP does mind. Her DH didn't do anything particularly awful by my reckoning, but he shouldn't have done it.

(I'm not saying she should have reacted like that either btw - if I'm reading it right the OP herself is not happy she ended up feeling so upset and reacting so strongly.)

All in all, it's a minor incident but a fairly understandable trigger for all this stress if there are other things building up.

jollyoldstnickschick · 20/12/2011 09:50

Theres too much going on,you are too busy,your home is too busy even your life sounds busy....you are ready for a rest.

The beef is a total over reaction,perhaps funds are low and a roast dinner and the time to share a meal is a real treat?

Perhaps your idea of a nice dinner and your dhs are very different,hence the fishfinger v beef for dinner comparison.

Tbh I dont think I and definitely my dh would resist cooked roast beef on a sandwich in the day.

This isnt the big deal youre making of it and I think in your determination to keep up with day to day life you are becoming too controlling.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:53

I don't understand what is controlling about wanting a nice meal with your husband every so often. FFS.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:54

Which he goes and ruins by ignoring what the OP asked of him. If he objected he had 24hrs to make it obvious that she's a controlling demon from hell and he can eat his beef whenever he damn well pleases.

spanky2 · 20/12/2011 09:55

If I had planned a family meal and my dh ate it for lunch I would be hurt and upset too. I can't understand why so many mnetters don't understand. It wasn't about the beef it was about feeling not listened to, and the lack of sharing the importance of a family meal, in what sounds like a busy household.

LunaticFringe · 20/12/2011 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotMostPeople · 20/12/2011 09:56

This sort of thing happens sometimes here, I'll have an idea in my mind about how the meal is going to work and DH will do something else. My thinking is that there are more important things to worry about and you have to let the small things go. I might react like you if I was on one of my PMS days, so I'd echo what others have said - is there something else going on here?

Kayano · 20/12/2011 09:58

They could have still had a meal though , he had only had HIS portion of beef! To sit in car
For an hour and stomp off upstairs and still be upset when he called her down for food (which I presume they still ate together Hmm) is way over the top and dramatic

It's not like his actions
Meant they couldn't eat together as a
Family! To be furious and 'so angry' no I don't get it!

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:58

Exactly spanky

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 09:59

Read spankys post kayano to help you get it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:00

But they wouldn't be eating a meal together, would they? He'd had his portion.

It does spoil the meal she planned. It's not a huge issue on its own, but I don't understand people saying there's no issue.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 10:00

There is a difference between being upset and 'furious' and 'so angry' though dontgiveafig and spanky

Sulking and stomping off for
Hours is a bit
Much

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 10:02

I'd imagine the sulking and stomping indicate the "straw that broke the camels back" tbh.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 10:02

And kayano your posts pop up on my screen

like a
haiku
which is quite
fun Grin

Kayano · 20/12/2011 10:02

He had his potion of beef

Surely there is more to the meal than beef? Or is beef and beef alone a meal? He could have still had the rest of the meal but no beef?

Why the op couldn't say fine, be beefless and crack on with her
Plans I just don't get it at all. Her reaction was disproportionate

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:04

They do! Are you on a phone kayano?

OP, please come back ... flurries of posts are quite scary I know, but we all want to help and we can't really work out what to say without a bit more info than what's in the OP.

Kayano · 20/12/2011 10:04

I actually
Wrote a great amazing post
About haiku phone

Grin

It's pretty crap lol

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:06

Oops, cross-posted.

Do you not find it kind of depressing when someone isn't eating the main bit of the meal though? I do: my DH can't eat meat during Advent for religious reasons and I miss the companionship of preparing a meal we can both eat together - so much so I usually eat veggie along with it. Is this a bit unusual then?