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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wibu or was DH re roast beef...

165 replies

therealsantaisagrinch · 20/12/2011 08:59

Apologies if this turns into a long one but don't want to drip feed...

background: DH works varying shifts, I am a full time funded PhD student plus I have a part time job so we are both full time workers out of the home. We have dd who is 2, plus my DS (DH's DSS) who is 12 and DH's DD (DSD) who is 16 living with us so its a pretty full house. I would say that I do about 95-99% of the cooking....

Last week I bought a nice joint of beef and decided to either cook it as a roast at the weekend or the next evening that most of us were around. DS went to his dads on Friday and is back late Tuesday. On Saturday night DH was working and DSD went to a party (I went and picked her up later that night) and DD is around every night but in bed by 7... DH was also due to work a late shift on Sunday.

So, I decided to cook up the joint on Sunday and then do an actual roast with it on Monday evening (last night) after I had gotten back from work and DD was in bed. I chose to cook it on Sunday along with some baked potatoes (DSD and I had them on Sunday) to save time on Monday. I also cooked some extra baked potatoes for DH and DSD to have on Monday as neither were working/at college. When DH got back from work I explained to him that the joint of beef in the fridge in the foil was for Monday for a roast and asked him not to touch it but that there was baked potatoes etc (in fact the fridge was full of food!). I repeated this a couple of times as he doesn't always listen/remember what I have asked and all seemed fine...

Monday I went to work as usual, dropped DD off to nursery etc and at about lunchtime I had a text and phone call asking how long to re-heat the potatoes etc and a general chat... later I had another phone call about something or another and the odd text... I finished work, picked up DD and got home at about 5:45... then after about 5-10 mins DH announced that he had had some beef in a sandwich at about 4pm so that was his portion!

I was furious! I told him he was out of order and reminded him that I had specifically asked him to not touch the beef so that we could have a nice roast together that night (we don't eat together often) and that he had totally disrespected my wishes. I was so angry with him I went upstairs to get some space from him and yes, I actually had a small cry. After about 10 mins he came up and tried to apologise but didn't really apologise as he still didn't see that what he had done was wrong. I was so upset that he had totally disregarded what I had asked and had ruined what was going to be a nice sit down roast together that I had to leave the house to get away before I said too much. I gave dd a kiss and told DH he had to put her to bed as I was going out for a little bit. He was angry with me for the way I was reacting and he said it wasn't a big deal etc... if I had wanted to eat a roast with just me and DSD I would have done that on the Sunday but I wanted to eat with my husband!

I actually only went and sat in the car for an hour, and then came back in and ran a bath. Whilst I was in the bath DH cooked some fishfingers, chips and a fried egg. I got out of the bath and went and sat in the bedroom to read as I was still upset and DH called me on the mobile and told me to come downstairs for food and got annoyed that I was still upset... I went down and ate the food and we watched TV together but DH still maintained that he had done nothing wrong.

I went to bed before DH and strangely slept through until DD woke me at 6, then when DH woke for his shift at about 6:45 he started having a go at me, telling me I need to control my temper and to get a grip because all he had done was eat some beef. I hadn't said anything at this point, it was DH bringing it all up and in my opinion trying to make out that I was the only one in the wrong and that it was all his fault...

so.... apologies for the length again, but was IBU at being upset, or was DH BU for eating the beef?

OP posts:

Merrylegs · 20/12/2011 10:07

I really think your internal monologue (nice family meal, all sit down together, old fashioned roast etc) and your DH's (am hungry. leftover food.) just didn't match up.

I think you need to stop parenting everyone so much, especially your DH. I don't understand why you cooked baked potatoes to be REHEATED the next day (yuck) for your DH and your 16 year old DSD when they were at both going to be at home anyway. (as an aside, you mention picking up DSD from a party later the previous night. Do you feel you are doing everything?)

Can they not cook for themselves?

Do you always tell you DH what he can and can't eat?

Perhaps if he had more control over the food preparation he would appreciate the eating of it?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:07

Love the haiku.

It comes across as great ancient wisdom about this age of technology...

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/12/2011 10:07

I think it's not so much about the food as such, but about not being listened to. I find it infuriating and disrespectful if I specifically ask or tell my DP something and then it turns out that he didn't listen. I wouldn't cry or storm out of the house though but that's because my default modus operandi is biting sarcasm.

But I can totally see why the OP was upset if she wanted to share a particular food with her husband and household and he ate his portion on his own, in advance. It sounds as if he didn't think much about the implications. Which is thoughtless and, again, infuriating.

spanky2 · 20/12/2011 10:09

I have to go and calm down when I get angry. I would end up saying or doing something I would regret. I had a violent boyfriend who changed me.... Everyone deals with anger in different ways. It could be viewed as sulking...but for me it isn't. It is too early for haiku. Sorry for letting the side down!

Kayano · 20/12/2011 10:12

I'm still sat here pondering how many syllables 'actually' has and wondering if I messed up

I have confused myself with my own accent

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 10:13

They could still have had a meal together, I don't see how it spoils it completely.

I consider myself to be eating with my husband if we go out to a restaurant and order completely different things. They don't have to eat the same thing to be together.

Maybe that's how the dh saw it. He just thought that he would have his share of beef now and have all the rest of the roast dinner later. A roast has lots of things on it and plenty of vegetarians have a roat dinner just without the meat and are completely satisfied.

Th Op shouldn't be telling her dh what he would be doing in the first place. If she wants to plan a special meal where everyone is together then she needs to decide upon that with the other adult in the house and make her wishes very clear. Just letting him know that teh beef was for Monday's dinner isn't enough when she clearly had more in mind than just what people would eat. She wanted to plan how people would eat too, and while that is lovely, you can't expect people to fall in with these plans if they don't want them or know about them.

SantasBigSack · 20/12/2011 10:13

I guess its not an issue for me as we dont place a value on the food itself, we all eat diferent things here. We try to sit together as a family for one meal during the day but if we miss the meal, we do something else later like go for an evening walk, play a game, have a chat. Thats why to me its not an issue.

I agree its probably the straw that broke the camels back but that reaction was over the top. She went upstairs and cryed, he came up to try and apologise, it wasnt sufficient, she went off in the car for an hour. Still didnt calm, went upstairs again, still sulking when he tried to make amends when he cooked her food and asked her to join him. Went to bed in a huff.

I hate to say this, but if the OP said that she ate the beef and her DH reacted like this, there would be calls to "leeaaaavvvvveee hiiiiiiimmmmm", and they wouldnt be asking if the DH was under pressure.

ChitChattingElf · 20/12/2011 10:13

YANBU - this isn't just about a piece of bloody beef. You do a HELL of a lot of work, and if you're in charge of all of the shopping, food preparation etc, then actually, you DO get a say in when something gets eaten. And that's just it, you TOLD him not to touch the beef, that it was for a sit down meal.

He didn't care about the effort that you put into preparing this meal, he didn't care about spending any time together as a family, and he sure as shit doesn't appreciate all the organisation it takes to do a PhD, work part time, look after 2 teens and a toddler and all he thought about was himself.

You are not over the top, pinching a bit of a beef is NOT what happened here. What happened was evidence of his complete disregard to just how bloody hard this all is. You were thinking about the whole family, all he was thinking about was himself and that he fancied a bit of beef right now thank you very much.

Oh, and the week before Christmas when everything is already so manic and busy and stressed!!!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:14

That's a good point actually (no, I've no idea how many either and am just confusing myself now) spanky - my DH is like that, he goes silent. TBH it annoys the heck out of me because I do see it as sulking ... but it's his way of dealing with it all.

I do feel that in an adult relationship, you are pretty much entitled to react how you like to being upset so long as you're not hurtful - going sitting in the car isn't doing any harm. The worry is it's rotten communication!

YuleingFanjo · 20/12/2011 10:15

He should have apologised. You say he tried to. I think you should have le it go a lot sooner.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:17

What do we think about 'telling' the DH what do do when she cooks over 90% of the time?

I'm just curious here - no experience as DH and I share it. But if he virtually never cooks, I can sort of see why she'd 'tell' him - my mum would always tell my dad what was for dinner and he doesn't know enough about cooking to have an opinion really.

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 10:19

What happened was evidence of his complete disregard to just how bloody hard this all is.

I disagree. It's evidence that the man wanted a roast beef sandwich! No more, no less.

If he ad thought any more about it than that, he would have probably just thought that it would be fine, because he wasn't eating anyone elses beef, and he could still sit down for dinner later. His roast beef sandwich has no need to affect anyone other than himself.

SantasBigSack · 20/12/2011 10:20

I think that if she is not happy in doiing 90% of the cooking then she should tell him so and stop doing it. Why isnt he cooking? What is he doing instead? Address that. No adult should be told what they can and cannot eat. That is ridiculous.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:22

santas - I agree. I assume the OP mentioned the amount of cooking she does because she's unhappy? In which case - he needs to know! And IMO he needs to get his finger out unless he is working a truly enormous number of shifts, because what she sets out as her work is a knackering amount.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/12/2011 10:22

It would pee me off if my DH just dipped into the fridge and ate something I'd earmarked for a meal, but I think you did over-react a little, OP. I would have just dished him up a roast minus meat.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 20/12/2011 10:22

Seriously, mate, you need to chill out.

And address what's really underneath this spectacular over reaction.

Yes I get the fact she's 'in charge' of meals because she cooks, but even so...wow.

spanky2 · 20/12/2011 10:22

I agree, LRD. My dh doesn't do the cooking, so I decide the meals. Although he doesn't care what he eats and always tells me it's delicious.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/12/2011 10:23

I have to say though ... although practically, yes, she needs to tell him ... really he should have cottoned on that if he wants to decide how the meals will work, he does need to do a bit more of the cooking, doesn't he?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 10:27

If she wants to plan a special meal where everyone is together then she needs to decide upon that with the other adult in the house and make her wishes very clear....while that is lovely, you can't expect people to fall in with these plans if they don't want them or know about them.

He did know and had plenty of time to object if he had an issue. If the OP does the majority of cooking, if her DH is anything like mine, he won't give a second thought to planning the dinner. Someone has to do it.

ChitChattingElf · 20/12/2011 10:27

I agree too - I cook, I decide what gets eaten for main meals. If DH wants to get bloody picky, he can go shopping (or add to the shopping list) and cook the food himself.

isn't that the definition of DISREGARD???? He did NOT have any REGARD for what was asked of him. He did NOT have any REGARD to the wishes of the person who put in all of the hard work. He had NO REGARD for her wishes to have a FAMILY meal with (lets be honest) what would have been an expensive bloody meal compared to usual meas.

Being THOUGHTLESS does not excuse you from having NO REGARD!!!

BluddyMoFo · 20/12/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oranges · 20/12/2011 10:29

I can't imagine asking my dh for permission to cook him a lovely meal and then have to ask him for permission again to not eat his share early and wait so we can enjoy it together. that seems to be what some people are suggesting.

SquongebobSparepants · 20/12/2011 10:30

YABU and overreacted. He was hungry so had some fo hsi tea earlier.
Sulking in the car, having to leave the house because you were so angry and crying over some beef is ridiculous. GAFG

BluddyMoFo · 20/12/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 10:31

To those objecting to there being a problem...
Why is it ok to disregard the OPs wishes? She specifically asked he leave the beef alone. Anyone would be pissed off if their partner ignored a direct request.

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