AIBU to not want to do a 50 mile round trip to somewhere i dont know to fetch drunk DH

[Bethshine82]

DY wants me to fetch him from his office party on Friday night at about 8pm (it goes on all day). It's somewhere I don't know and is a 50 mile round trip and I will have 2 year old DS who usually goes to bed at 7 at latest.
He doesn't want to get a taxi as apparently would be about fifty pounds, although he could afford this.
I don't want to fetch him as DS is a nightmare to get to sleep if he is overtired and I hate driving places I don't know especially at night. It scares me. DH is sulking. He said he'd just get a taxi and then take one of ny Christmas presents back to pay for it. Or he'd stay at his mom's.
Basically he will be very drunk too and I'm not wild about this either as he will be loud and annoying.

AIBU to just think pay for a taxi?!

Beth, sound advice from posters on contacting Women's Aid and starting to talk to friends.

Bitter experience tells me that it may be safer and more pleasant for now if you do the lift on Friday though. Yes, a plan to leave is great, but in the meantime the less rebellious you appear to be the less suspicious (and less aggressive) your DH is likely to be.

May be good to start a thread in Relationships too, so that you can get ongoing support xx

Beth - just to say you are not alone, I too am sahm with tiny pocket money, youngest child is 2 (but growing older and closer to freedom every day!) and am stuck in a situation where I've come to realise I'm biding my time.
Posters on here have been great, do take their advice, but if you can't then at least really really enjoy the time you have on your own with your DS, mum and child time with no oppresion from another is the wind beneath our wings.

Thank you everyone x x
I feel very very trapped at the moment. What scares me most is that if he did make up lies then I could lose custody of DS. DH is extremely charming and personable when he wants to be. It's obvious that DS and I love each other and have a very close bond but I still worry...what if they believed DH over me?

he is using this horrible threat to keep a hold over you.
You are your DS's primary carer, it sounds extremely unlikely he would be awarded custody.
In the meantime keep a record of these horrific threats and get your free half hour consultation with a lawyer.

Beth, I seriously doubt that anyone would take DS away from you. You are his main carer, and courts are very well used to dealing with 'charming' men who are merely trying to get their own way, should it come to that. I think you should tell someone else of this threat that he has made, and document it with all the others, so that you have someone who will back you up. If you are actually frightened of what he might do, you must get advice.

unless there is any proof that you are neglectful of ds then really the worst is 50/50 share residence...

however you need to be telling your health visitor ans GP about thethreats and how anxious they making you feel.

you can get support and help.

you need to be telling people in real lfie what is going on here including your family and health visitor - ask gp to refer you to a counsellor to talk in confidence. contact womens aid.

email him the options for the party - is he always careful to email you nice and polite or does he give evidence in emails of his threats?

speak to womens aid and be careful. he could indeed turn nasty. but start in your ehad realising that you may have to run from this man if he does get nasty taking your ds with you. get a bag hidden with money a PAYG mobile and documents.

".. Yes I suspect it would turn extremely nasty. My DH once told me that if I ever dared to leave him he'd get a good lawyer (and that he'd be able to afford a much better one than me) and if necessary make up allegations so that I would not get custody of DS. So figure best to wait until DS can speak for himself .."

That is truly awful

" He also said if I ever went I'd better take everything with me including my pets because he'd kill them whilst I was gone "

That srt of remark just about sums up a what a total idiot and completely miserable excuse for a human being he is.

Anyone can "make up lies" - most experts in the field have heard them all ayway - so don't let that threat stop you from walking away ASAP.

Even if he did make up lies, he would need some kind of proof.

It must be so scary, but the only alternative to leaving is to stay with him for the rest of your life then. And that is not an option.

Besides, your DH can't be that charming if your family hates him! I'm sure people will see through his lies.

beth, if you were my dd and you were keeping this to avoid me worrying you it would break my heart. i'd far rather you told me so that i could help you than carry on in this situation.

and if he lies to get custody of your ds it won't do him any good. he'll have no proof and he'll lose credibility.

good luck. i hope you find the strength to leave.

The Courts might be interested to know, when he tells them these lies, why he chose to leave you in sole charge of DS. After I left charming Ex-H I was amazed how few people fell for him. Just me being dumb then...

You poor thing.

First thing - please, please tell your parents what is happening. Imagine your DS being in a similar situation in years to come, and not telling you because 'he got himself into it'. You'd be distraught. You DIDN'T get yourself 'into' anything. Normal relationships aren't like this. You are in trouble here, through no fault of your own, and therefore your DS is in trouble too, in a sense. It's a case of family needing to pull together here and sort out the trouble - which is your bullying, evil DH. Tell them! You WILL sort it yourself - but they can help!!

If you can do that - go to them. Pack the essentials and GO.

Secondly, go to your GP, or health visitor. Get an appointment and tell them what you've said here about the way he treats you, and his threats re custody. You can frame it as you asking for information on what you should do if the worst happens and you find yourself unable to stay any longer and facing a malicious accusation. Get his threats on record.

It's all crap, you know - designed purely to have the effect it is having - to frighten you. If you left, he could accuse until he's blue in the face. SS will come and talk to you, will see that DS is happy and safe, will see that your 'worried' DH has been only too happy for you to care for the child until you left, you can direct them to your GP and HV - and the real story will be clear as crystal. Sadly, so you know what I think is far more likely to happen should you split? - that you'll find that he quickly turns his back. Getting custody? What, you mean he does all the work and knocks those parties on the head? Haha. No, he doesn't want custody - and once his lies and bullying are investigated and found to be crap, and you don't come back, I'll be astonished if he wants to take on even 50% of the responsibility. He seems to think himself too important for that!

Seriously, you do not need to fear this situation. But you do need to realise that your best and quickest way to getting this crap out of your life and neutralised is to be HELPED. By your family, and the authorities. That's what they're all there for :) to support you, and your DS. Phone your parents, and your GP. Good luck.

OP when my mother left my father, her own father had terminal cancer, but still her parents were very very happy to take her in and get her out of the situation.
BTW my father did try for custody, but it was pretty much laughed out of court as he had not seen me since we left, and my mother had been the main carer. However I would start to keep some kind of record of the threats you H makes, as a diary is admissible as evidence. Also believe him, if he says he would kill your pets, well he might just do so. So be prepared.
Please tell people the truth and get out of that situation, please don't just stay for Christmas.

Additionally - it is clear you are very frightened - you could also, and probably should, phone the police DV helpline for your area as well as Women's Aid. For advice, given that he is threatening you (killing your pets, taking your child). I am not sure of the protocol and would therefore call Women's Aid first, to get advice in general - but if you could make a call for advice to the DV helpline and know that it would be a. confidential and b. get another source 'on record', that would be a good idea.

But above all, remember that these are just STUPID threats. That's right - STUPID. Think about it. He knows, really, that making this kind of threat is a very serious thing and the chances are almost overwhelming that he would be exposed straightaway, because there is no evidence that you would be any danger to your child. He knows this. They don't take action on issues like this without evidence. He knows this. He would likely be in huge trouble himself for making a malicious accusation. He knows this. Being 'personable' makes no difference without evidence. It really won't make a difference if you have your HV and GP saying, yes, the OP has reported threats of violence and malicious accusation if she were to leave.

But that's all beside the point. He doesn't intend to accuse, he intends to frighten you. Think through how he could actually even hope to carry out his silly threats, and try and rationalise a bit, hard though it is in the face of this horrible, unsettling, frightening behaviour.

It is horrible, it is frightening, but you are NOT trapped and he IS talking bullshit. Make safe moves to getting away, away, away!

OP don't get him any Xmas pressies, he's a big old meanie.

Is there not a fostering service for pets, when people leave because of DV or similar? I am sure I've heard of a charity.

women's aid:
0808 2000 247

Call them now. You need to get away from this creep and the 23rd is an excellent opportunity to do so.

Dear God, I wish I never opened this thread

OP, you are living in a tyrannical nightmare

Please leave him

Please be aware that "the courts" do not generally believe lies, even from "charming" men

The only advice I can give you is to pack a bag, take your dc and go to family. I would do it before xmas...Friday sounds perfect while he is out of the way

he won't expect you to do it just before xmas

Tell your family everything...stop protecting this abusive man and give yourself and dc the best xmas present you are likely to ever receive

pet fostering links

But above all, remember that these are just STUPID threats. That's right - STUPID. Think about it. He knows, really, that making this kind of threat is a very serious thing and the chances are almost overwhelming that he would be exposed straightaway, because there is no evidence that you would be any danger to your child. He knows this. They don't take action on issues like this without evidence. He knows this. He would likely be in huge trouble himself for making a malicious accusation. He knows this. Being 'personable' makes no difference without evidence. It really won't make a difference if you have your HV and GP saying, yes, the OP has reported threats of violence and malicious accusation if she were to leave.

Was about to post saying exactly this. Memorise it Bethshine82. He can make a seperation very hard going, but he can't take your child away without evidence. HE CAN'T. He's just holding a very big stick and you're beaten down enough to believe it.

In the meantime YOU need to start collecting your OWN evidence against him, and to report your fears for your and your child's safety.

The threat he made to you about killing and destroying everything would be enough to have the police on your door escorting you somewhere safe, believe me.

That was threatened to a friend of mine and the bastard actually did kill her dog. Having read more of this thread you need to get help from CAB maybe? They should be able to help find a good solicitor and sort out the benefits you will need in the interim. Maybe there may be a friend or animal charity who could take the pets for a period too? He sounds too toxic to stay will and he is eroding your self confidence day by day.

Was he prosecuted for that, OM ?

The police take animal cruelty, and threats of it, very seriously

It is well known that someone willing to hurt a pet, will escalate dangerously

It appears in a lot of training that DV professionals get

No she is too scared of him, he still drives past her new home sometimes, in a slow and threatening manner. She and her new partner both have the exes from hell, poor buggers. She also thinks it would be too hard to prove now time has gone on. She has broken down in tears about her poor dog a few times when we have shared a few bottles of vino, it's really sad.

that is awful, OM

The roads could be icy added to fact you are not used to night time driving.
If DS is moany in car that is another distraction. Ask him to stay at his Mums.

Too dangerous to drive for you and you can pick him up the next day or he can get public transport.