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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to do a 50 mile round trip to somewhere i dont know to fetch drunk DH

149 replies

Bethshine82 · 19/12/2011 16:38

DY wants me to fetch him from his office party on Friday night at about 8pm (it goes on all day). It's somewhere I don't know and is a 50 mile round trip and I will have 2 year old DS who usually goes to bed at 7 at latest.
He doesn't want to get a taxi as apparently would be about fifty pounds, although he could afford this.
I don't want to fetch him as DS is a nightmare to get to sleep if he is overtired and I hate driving places I don't know especially at night. It scares me. DH is sulking. He said he'd just get a taxi and then take one of ny Christmas presents back to pay for it. Or he'd stay at his mom's.
Basically he will be very drunk too and I'm not wild about this either as he will be loud and annoying.

AIBU to just think pay for a taxi?!

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/12/2011 18:28

You poor thing. It is never stupid, and it is never easy, when it is your life.

But I would let him sulk. He sounds like the type who the more you try to keep the peace, the more demanding he gets.

miaowmix · 19/12/2011 18:30

Is there a reason he can't get a bus/train home? Just tell him to get home on his own, he is (I presume) a grown-up.
Or stay at his mum's. It's not that much of a big deal.

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 18:30

Well if you're thinking of leaving him anyway, why are you feeling bad about it?

Just say no. Hopefully soon enough you won't have to deal with him anymore.

clam · 19/12/2011 18:30

HE IS NOT BANKROLLING YOU!!!
You are a family. You each play vital roles within that family. You facilitate him going out to work by looking after his child and running his home.

blackeyedsanta · 19/12/2011 18:31

of course you are not unreasonable.

you need to look carefully at this relationship. it sounds horrible, he sounds horrible. let him go to his mums and enjoy some peace with your toddler on the 24th. much nicer company than your h.

GreenIceAndChristmasHam · 19/12/2011 18:40

Tell him to shove his presents up his arse because you're staying in to watch EastEnders.

5ofus · 19/12/2011 19:02

If it were me and DP I would pick him up (and he would me). In fact we've done it lots of times. 8pm is quite early isn't it?

Your DH however seems to be behaving like an arse. Seems like you have bigger issues than a lift home?

KenDoddsDadsDog · 19/12/2011 19:12

So if you don't pick him up he will ruin Christmas Eve? Wankrag is too nice a term. How can you do that to your own child?
I'm not great at driving / directions but I would do it at 8pm.

ConferencePear · 19/12/2011 19:17

Let?s just get this straight. Your DP wants you to take your toddler out after his normal bedtime on a cold dark night night so that he can spend the day wasting your joint money on booze.
He is being selfish in the extreme. He knows that you don?t like driving in the dark to strange places. He knows that there is a likelihood that there will be more drivers than usual on the road who are over the limit. He knows it is past your DS bedtime.
Does he realise what kind of an example he is setting for his son I wonder ?
Let him make his own arrangements. Withdrawn presents = no booze paid for out of the housekeeping especially on Christmas Day.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2011 19:17

Beth he is not bankrolling you.

It is entirely possible that I might pick my DH up in the same circumstance. The difference is that he wouldn't demand it, let alone expect it, and that he respects me and my role in our family. I am a SAHM like you.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 19/12/2011 19:17

Also I strongly suspect, again based on prior experience, that he would not be outside waiting at 8pm. I would ring him, he'd have to have a last drink, say goodbye to everyone and I would probably be waiting for around half an hour. By which time I'd be fuming.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 19:18

I'd take advantage of his being out of the house to do a runner.

Please tell me the child benefit isn't paid into his account.

Have you been on Entitled To to see what you could get if you left him? I wouldn't normally suggest that but I have to admit I couldn't live like that.

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 19:25

what a dreadful thoughtless man
start a wee escape pot money,glean wee bit each month,sow en time comes you have monies

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 19:27

If he's only giving her pocket money, she can't really save.

Does he have anything you could sell, OP? Something he wouldn't miss?

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 19/12/2011 19:36

He sounds like a fucking dickhead.

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 19:36

Well there's probably still time to return his presents...

northerngirl41 · 19/12/2011 19:40

Also presumably being an office party, there will be other people heading in your general direction to get home and therefore the £50 cab could be shared amongst a few of them and probably only be £10-£20 each. And given that it's a Christmas party £10-£20 on top of everything else (food, booze, presents, outfits etc) isn't really that much to spend!

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:07

If the OP's family dislike him, it's unlikely his colleagues will like him. He sounds pompous and arrogant - hardly likely to endear him to people at work.

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 20:07

So, what I meant to say is, people may not want to share a lift!

EllenandBump · 19/12/2011 20:22

The other option of course is THAT HE DOESNT DRINK AND DRIVES HIMSELF HOME. I dont (usually) drink so it wouldnt be a problem (minus i have no licence or car) Tell him to get over himself. What a big kid. Like you havent got better things to do. Also, would he come and pick you up is you were completely soddened in drink? I THINK NOT

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 19/12/2011 21:09

Yes it is hard to save much at moment, money and my DS are what keep me here in the main.
I suspect it would turn extremely nasty. My DH once told me that if I ever dared to leave him he'd get a good lawyer (and that he'd be able to afford a much better one than me) and if necessary make up allegations so that I would not get custody of DS. So figure best to wait until DS can speak for himself.
He also said if I ever went I'd better take everything with me including my pets because he'd kill them whilst I was gone. :-(

OP posts:
scentednappyhag · 19/12/2011 21:13

Oh Beth Sad
This is getting more and more horrible. This is not the man you want as a role model for your DS. Get legal advice, soon. And please, please get away from this man, he's abusing you- plain and simple. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

ISayHolmes · 19/12/2011 21:14

That is awful, absolutely awful. I would plan very carefully what you want to do if you do leave (and I hope you manage to). If you ever want to look at how you'd manage financially look at this direct gov page and go from there. www.direct.gov.uk/en/Diol1/DoItOnline/DoItOnlineByCategory/DG_172666

The Citizen's Advice Bureau offer free help too.

Please make sure you delete your internet history so he won't see any of this.

2gorgeousboys · 19/12/2011 21:18

I would do it for DH, but I know it would be appreciated not expected. Just the same as I know he would do it for me.

A couple of months ago I did a 38 mile round trip twice to collect DH and a friend from his brothers stag do. Dropped him off at lunchtime and collected him at 1:30am with the boys (11 and 7) in the car.

We had a lovely movie evening together and then all went to sleep in 1 bed. When DH called to be picked up I lifted DS2 in the car in our PJ's. The boys thought it was a real adventure and giggled at Daddy singing and repeating himself.

The next morning we all had a lie in and then DH made breakfast.

However not sure I would do this on 23 Dec when i would want everyone on top form and not tired, cranky children (and DH!).

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 21:22

Errrr..... he said he would kill your pets???

Why are you still with him??? You cannot seriously wait until DS 'can speak for himself', that will be ages.

Don't believe everything he's saying. You CAN leave him, with your DS, you just need help. Call Women's Aid, they will help you. See a solicitor.

Do you have family or friends to support you?

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