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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to do a 50 mile round trip to somewhere i dont know to fetch drunk DH

149 replies

Bethshine82 · 19/12/2011 16:38

DY wants me to fetch him from his office party on Friday night at about 8pm (it goes on all day). It's somewhere I don't know and is a 50 mile round trip and I will have 2 year old DS who usually goes to bed at 7 at latest.
He doesn't want to get a taxi as apparently would be about fifty pounds, although he could afford this.
I don't want to fetch him as DS is a nightmare to get to sleep if he is overtired and I hate driving places I don't know especially at night. It scares me. DH is sulking. He said he'd just get a taxi and then take one of ny Christmas presents back to pay for it. Or he'd stay at his mom's.
Basically he will be very drunk too and I'm not wild about this either as he will be loud and annoying.

AIBU to just think pay for a taxi?!

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 19/12/2011 21:24

I honestly don't think it matters if you fetch him or not, because the act of giving him a lift home after one night out is so far from being the actual problem here that you can't even see it from there!

I'm really sorry for you and for your children, because it sounds like you're in a shit relationship with someone who thinks you're shit on their shoe.

Original poster
Bethshine82 · 19/12/2011 21:26

My family would but they don't know all of this. I've censored it a bit because I don't want them to worry. My dad's not in great health, nothing awful just high blood pressure amongst a few other things, and I don't really want to put this on them.
I kind of feel like I'm an adult and I got myself into this so it seems unfair to put all the stress on to them. Because they would be extremely upset.

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 19/12/2011 21:29

This has come a long way from the original question, but generally, you need to start sticking up for yourself. Being nervous about night-time driving makes you sensible not pathetic. Being a SAHM makes you a valuable member of society. When you leave this man (because you are going to) you and your son will be happy and healthy and you will manage.

Let him go to this bloody do and do whatever. Keep smiling and spend the day organising how to leave him.

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 21:29

Beth, with all due respect, don't be daft -- they're family, they would be so upset to find out all this was going on and you didn't tell them.

You said earlier that they don't like him. Well, wouldn't they be happy if you left him then? And wouldn't they want to help?

What kind of help would you need? A place to stay, a little bit of money until benefits kick in? That's really not that much. Of course they would help you.

Don't think about how it would upset them if you left. Think about how happy and relieved they will be when you leave this wanker.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2011 21:29

Well of course they would be upset, and even more upset to know that you had kept it from them, surely?

Do you get the child benefit? Can you squirrel away a little from that?

scentednappyhag · 19/12/2011 21:30

Even if they are in ill health, I'm sure they'd hate to think you were going through this alone. You need RL support, this is the most horrible situation I've seen here for a while. Whereabouts in the country are you Beth? Maybe someone here is nearby for a coffee and a chat?

HansieMom · 19/12/2011 22:33

What pets do you have? If you have cats, you can get some cardboard pet carriers and they are just flat cardboard until you unfold them.

notmyproblem · 19/12/2011 23:09

Beth please contact women's aid, explain what's happening, find out what your options are. I know you feel right now that you're backed into a corner with nowhere to go but there IS a way out. You just need to find it.

Make contact with your family regularly, start telling them what's happening. It's hard but you'll probably find that they will be relieved that you've told them and will support you to get away from your lousy abusive DH. This is what you need -- help and support to do this.

Regarding your original post, do not go and pick him up. Who cares if "Christmas is ruined" for that dickhead? You and your DS can enjoy it regardless. Don't waste your time trying to play happy families when you're not happy at all. Let this be the beginning of your new plan to get you and your DS a better life.

verytellytubby · 19/12/2011 23:22

He sounds like a spoilt arsehole.

pigletmania · 19/12/2011 23:27

What a total knob, blaming his inebriation on you, and expect you with a young child to pick him up from an all day bender. Noway, he can pay for a taxi or stay at his mums the selfish git.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2011 02:18

I take back the 'borderline'. Tell one friend everything and ring her regularly. I would not have a person who threatened to kill animals around my child. Have you told anyone about that?

Gather money, paperwork and proof of what he said to you. Get some RL advice. Good luck.

ravenAK · 20/12/2011 02:33

We had our works do on Friday - drinks in pub near work, then on into town for fancier bars/clubs.

One colleague was extremely vocal all week about the best clubs we should all go to, how he & a couple of others would be sloshing home legless on the 3am train...

...& then he was mullered (maudlin & puking) by 6pm. So he rang his gf (pregnant, full of flu) to collect him (40 mile round trip).

Whilst he waited for her to get there, he started 'generously' offering her services to taxi home anyone else who'd planned to leave early, thereby, if anyone had taken him up on it, adding another hour or so to her unnecessary drive.

We all thought he was a total, total prat. & felt enormously sorry for his poor gf, & frankly, speculated a bit as to why she hadn't told him to take a running jump, & what on earth their relationship could be like.

Your h is being a complete nob, over this issue alone. Add in all the other stuff (threatening your pets?)...no, it's not on. Sad & Angry for you.

Alicious · 20/12/2011 02:52

Bethshine, I read this and couldn't not post. Don't worry about him ruining Christmas-it is just one day out of the year-plan for your future without this asshole bringing you down. And your parents-ill or not would most likely be glad to see you away from this guy if they don't like him already, no?

You deserve better.

Spermysextowel · 20/12/2011 03:21

Beth, a good lawyer isn't always an expensive one. You just have to be confident that they know what they're doing (you can get loads of advice before you have to start paying someone).

I worked part-time, got the car, the house (til the children leave tertiary education) & a chunk in maintenance.
I've known people end up with far less, I'm sure because the advice was based on settling for what they'd been led to feel they were worth

NunTheWiser · 20/12/2011 04:16

Beth, contact Women's Aid and start keeping a record of every threat and horrible thing he says and does. This will give you ammunition if he does start playing dirty. Women's Aid will give you much better facts about what you are entitled to - not your wanker of a DH.
I'd start putting together a bag of essentials for you and your DC, plus important documents such as birth certs and passports.
You are worth so much more than this. Please tell your family.

LizzieMo · 20/12/2011 08:24

Beth, I have high blood pressure myself. But if you were my daughter I would want to be able to help you. I suspect your parents may already have an idea of what your life is like with your not-so-DH. I would confide in them and accept their help if they offer it. As I said, if one of my daughters was living the life you describe I would be making up beds for her + child at my house. No question. My blood pressure would not come into it. Please do as others have urged and talk to your parents & CAB to see what help you can get.

SimoneD · 20/12/2011 10:01

beth, reading your posts I now feel quite scared for you. Please please speak to your parents. They probably have some idea already of whats going on, you say they dont like him much so they must have a reason for that - it will probably be a relief to them as well as you to get it out in the open.

PattySimcox · 20/12/2011 11:18

Beth your more recent posts show a very different situation to your first and I can only urge you to follow the very good advice that you have been given here.

Your situation sounds terrible and you will be so much better out of it.

Scootergrrrl · 20/12/2011 12:04

I hope you're feeling ok OP. It's a big jump from the original question to how unhappy you obviously are. Perhaps you should stop thinking about it as just a lift home, and think about it as your DH (who sounds controlling and mean, tbh) pressuring you horribly to do something he knows you're scared to do, whatever that might be. He's a bully, by the sounds of it and I hope you feel strong enough to tackle him sooner rather than later. Good luck x

SilentNotViolentNight · 20/12/2011 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetsantababy · 20/12/2011 13:27

What a pig your DH is. No YANBU, selfish twunt. Angry FWIW I am the same re driving.

cestlavielife · 20/12/2011 13:31

he would kill your pets?!

let him go to his party.

meantime pack up yourself and ds and go to your parents and stay there til well into the new year.

in new year file for divorce.

seriously.

sweetsantababy · 20/12/2011 13:31

I have now read what he said about you leaving him. You need a plan to get out ASAP, a job would be a good move so you can be finacially independent. Please please don't have anymore DCs with him.

sweetsantababy · 20/12/2011 13:33

Can you pack and leave while he is out? Have you got somewhere to go? It would be kinder to DC to leave while he is small.

coraltoes · 20/12/2011 13:36

Oh Beth, please please get help from your family and women's aid