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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

horrible abusive ex or heart broken woman?

124 replies

crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 13:19

dp and i have been together for over a yr and a half i met him in the middle of his divorce. after about 8 months he told his ex about me. now i already new she was difficult from being there when she phoned and hearing stories from his friends and family members about horrible phone calls,emails and rows with them and dp, she was generally very controlling and demeaning apparently.
but since finding out about me she has ramped up again continually using the kids to make dp/mine life difficult stopping contact for various reason making ur demands. i have tried to be as understanding as possible, met her to ally concerns etc given that dp left her, but she ended up shouting at me.
i understand that there are two sides to every story and that i love dp so am biased to him, but at what point do you say i am sorry you are still hurting but you need to get over it or do i need to continue trying to be as sensitive as possible. some times i just get so angry at what i see as control and destructive behaviour the things the kids come out with or the demands she expects us to do. but then i think we are happy and she is obviously not so does it hurt to try and be helpful.
we just found out we are pregnant and am dreading telling her as i know she will use this as yet another thing to beat dp with. he has often told me he just couldnt live like that any more in regards to his marriage. but i do think that sometimes he still is just not with the benefit of seeing his kids every day.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 13:23

I think you need to keep as far out of it as you can.

It really is between him and her, and not you.

troisgarcons · 19/12/2011 13:23

I suppose it depends on who left who. Did he leave her and she's alone with the kids? Then you came on the scene and although they were mid-way through a divorce she might have hoped her little family might get back together again.

On the other hand she might have left him and taken the kids etc etc

You can't get her to turn her feelings off for her childrens father.

But some people just cannot let go the past and hate to see others moving on.

OhdearNigel · 19/12/2011 13:25

You only have his side of events which he is going to paint in the most flattering colours possible.

You are being U to say "we are pregnant" [puke]

ToxicMoxie · 19/12/2011 13:29

I agree with squeaky, you need to stay out of it. Nothing you can do will change her, only she will change her. In this situation focus on the kids. Be there for the kids, be reasonable, be kind. Don't let her behavior dictate yours. Make sure your DP tells her about the pg, so that she doesn't hear it from the kids. Let DP be the communication connection, not the kids. He has to be the person to deal with her, not you.

Congrats, BTW!

Kayano · 19/12/2011 13:30

I think you actually
Sound very together and sensible and aware of potential bias etc..

However no one should use their kids as a weapon against their ex and by changing rules and making demands and making things hard just because you are on the scene is totally wrong and should therefore in no way affect the way she treats the dc and your DP in regards to access etc.

Therefore
I think yanbu

CointreauVersial · 19/12/2011 13:31

I think you are being generous to consider her feelings rather than just dismiss her as a nutjob. Some people are just vindictive, unfortunately.

You have to stay out of it, though.

I wouldn't tell her about the pg until as late as possible.

Original poster
crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 13:38

i totally agree the children dont know yet about the pregnancy and we will tell her before them obviously.
its difficult to have little communication with her though its what i would prefer since she often turns up at the house when she shouldn't and demanded my phone number for emergency's etc.
i have a very good relationship with the children and had hoped this would calm her down but she gets very upset if she feels she is not in control of situations such as sleeping arrangements and what the children eat.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 19/12/2011 13:52

It'll be hard, but the best thing you can do is make a "friend" of the EX-W - for everyones sake; especially the children.

Original poster
crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 13:58

trois that was my hope, to have at least a good "working" relationship but i think that is impossible, staring to feel a bit like its my bloody house if i want to cook roast this sunday i bloody can. .

OP posts:
Original poster
crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 14:01

its also hard to be thinking of being friendly with someone who is screaming at your dp in the street over a minor infraction like forgetting a book bag.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 19/12/2011 14:01

YABU to say "we are pregnant" - Having a child or young developing in the uterus applies only to you.

I think you need to stay out of it, unfortunately you can't reason with some people and if she is prepared to use the children, she sounds like she may be one of those people.

dreamingbohemian · 19/12/2011 14:04

Why did they split up?

If one of us were to ask the ex why she is doing these things, what do you think she would say?

Just wondering if putting yourself in her shoes helps explain her behaviour at all...

redrubyshoes · 19/12/2011 14:13

They are her children.

I have literally had to pick a friend up off the floor the first time she let her DS aged two go and stay with Daddy and his girlfriend. Give her time to adjust and stay out of any arguments.

Also take any stories from a third party with a pinch of salt and be careful of hearing only what you want to hear, (the negative stuff).

There is no 'timescale' on healing a broken heart and his ex certainly doesn't have to work to yours.

MillyR · 19/12/2011 14:16

How old are the children, OP?

squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 14:23

I also think it would be very wise to wait until AFTER Christmas to break the news about the pregnancy.

ToxicMoxie · 19/12/2011 14:23

Op, if she's telling you that you have to make certain foods for her kids (provided there isn't a legit health/lifestyle issue there) then she is being unreasonable! If there's no reason the kids shouldn't eat roast, then make it! You are right that she can't tell you what to cook!

I'm guessing that it hasn't really been all that long, and perhaps she believes (right or wrong) that DP left her for you, perhaps even cheated.

I hope she eventually tones it down, she may never like you, but hopefully she will be able to focus on something else.

troisgarcons · 19/12/2011 14:23

It is difficult - we have 3 close male friends who have children in previous relationships.

One maintains a very cordial relationshhip with his Ex - Ex and W are friendly (I wouldnt say they are friends) but the child has never suffered.

One maintains an icy but civil relationship - and again the children do not suffer in any way.

One, well, it must be the lure of the dangerous because all his ex-Ps are complete fruit loops, you name it, stalkers, murder attempts, the lot. And the mother of his child is just the same - the child is a weapon, access denied, days cut short, or conversly child left with Dad when convient knowing he works FT, doesnt have back up childcare..... anything to make his life a misery. He is a complete nutter-magnet.

Original poster
crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 14:38

its very odd that people are getting hung up on a tiny phrase in my op. i say "we are pregnant" because yes i am pregnant but we are having a child together but its kind of irrelevant.
they split up because dp had been unhappy for years and according to him she was generally horrible, manipulative, controlling,abusive basically made his life miserable. thats my deduction from his stories and his family's stories not what he said, he has been in tears telling me things and i genuinely believe he was mentally abused by her, his confidence and belief in himself totally destroyed.
but i also know that she was really shocked when he left and didnt understand what was going on even though they had had a trial separation. so i do understand the hurt aspect i was married myself before and i took me a time to be ok with my ex (he had a new gf after a month ) but i did not behave like she did so i do find that hard to understand screaming phone calls, passive aggressive email to him, me, family members.
so i do try to be understanding but it is hard when someone seems to be so far removed i understand pain and hurt but controlling behaviour and trying to hurt other people through it after over two yrs of separation and divorce seems like a long time iyswim?
i just kind of feel at my wits end with it all, maybe its the hormones :)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 14:42

I still wouldnt believe 100% of what he says though. There really are two sides to every story and his family will also have probably only heard his side of it.

But, you are together, and it is your relationship that matters, not what happened in his. Two different people make a completely different dynamic together.

You still cant expect her to stop being bitter though... she could well carry this on for the rest of her life... you just need to keep out of it, and ignore it as best you can.

Change your number if needs be. She doesnt need to have you as an emergency contact at all.

Original poster
crustychristmascrumbs · 19/12/2011 14:48

i agree it takes to to make a bad marriage. i think you are right perhaps a stronger stance is necessary re demands and communication.

OP posts:
MillyR · 19/12/2011 14:53

Does it really matter a great deal to you if you make a roast dinner or not? I can see that it is annoying, but in the grand scheme of things, might it not be worth just going along with stuff like that for the moment? Over time, she may well get less upset and calm down. She is perhaps more likely do that if she doesn't feel she is in a conflict situation with you.

redrubyshoes · 19/12/2011 14:55

So Crusty when should she be 'over' it?

I spoke to a guy who told me his Ex-wife was an alcoholic and about to have the DC's taken away from her. I am now friends with his Ex-wife and I am 100% certain after many years of friendship with her she is far from it.

My closest friend leaps upon any chance to pour derision and scorn upon her DP's ex wife. He left his wife and DC's and is as far as I can see the manipulative and deceitful one of the duo.

Ignore any demands she makes of you and refer them to your DP to deal with and make sure that she always has emergency numbers for the children - any parent needs that and is not being unreasonable to ask.

mayorquimby · 19/12/2011 14:56

TBF MillyR making a roast may not be a big issue one way or another but being dictated to would be a huge issue for me especially if I saw it as irrelevant and none of the other persons business.

MillyR · 19/12/2011 14:59

But how does it help the kids to make a roast dinner into more of an issue that the mother is already making it?

sitandnatter · 19/12/2011 15:12

I'd be inclined to stay out of it but be there to support my partner, he and the ex are the parents, it's their responsibility.