horrible abusive ex or heart broken woman?

[crustychristmascrumbs]

dp and i have been together for over a yr and a half i met him in the middle of his divorce. after about 8 months he told his ex about me. now i already new she was difficult from being there when she phoned and hearing stories from his friends and family members about horrible phone calls,emails and rows with them and dp, she was generally very controlling and demeaning apparently.
but since finding out about me she has ramped up again continually using the kids to make dp/mine life difficult stopping contact for various reason making ur demands. i have tried to be as understanding as possible, met her to ally concerns etc given that dp left her, but she ended up shouting at me.
i understand that there are two sides to every story and that i love dp so am biased to him, but at what point do you say i am sorry you are still hurting but you need to get over it or do i need to continue trying to be as sensitive as possible. some times i just get so angry at what i see as control and destructive behaviour the things the kids come out with or the demands she expects us to do. but then i think we are happy and she is obviously not so does it hurt to try and be helpful.
we just found out we are pregnant and am dreading telling her as i know she will use this as yet another thing to beat dp with. he has often told me he just couldnt live like that any more in regards to his marriage. but i do think that sometimes he still is just not with the benefit of seeing his kids every day.

This is not your situation to be involved in I am afraid. They are his children with her. It is his past with her. It is part of his future to sort with her.

It's not for you to care what she think about your pregnancy, so let all those fears go. (congrats by the way - hope you're well).

And as much as you dont want to hear this - YOU are pregnant. Ditch the godawful "we are pregnant" asap!

I don't understand why you feel the need to have any sort of relationship with her.

This is between her and your dp. They are the parents of the children concerned, so what they do is up to them.

If she is making demands about the food her dc eat, then your dp can listen without getting into an arguement and then allow them to eat what he wants, as long as it is healthy. She is being reasonable if you and dp are allowing the dc to have too many treats - something that pisses off many RP's because they work hard to give the dc heathy food then the NRP gives them crap all weekend. If it's about a roast and her dc won't eat a roast, tn you have to provide something they will eat.

Has contact and maintenance been formally agreed? If so, just stick to it and don't get drawn into anything else. Doors can be shut, phones can be switched off.

Why doesn't she want you to make a roast dinner? Is she raising the kids vegetarian?

I kind of agree with Milly. If it were only adults involved here then of course I'd say sod her opinions on what you cook. But engaging with her in these battles only hurts the DC.

How often do you have the DC? Surely you can live most of your life without her constraints, it's only sometimes you have to go along with things.

"But how does it help the kids to make a roast dinner into more of an issue that the mother is already making it?"

because if that's the attitude the op is forced to take constantly then the unreasonable person who thinks it's their right to dictate always gets their way and feel validated in their demands by virtue of the fact that they are willing to make a fuss, in which case where does it end? it may not help in the immediate short-term but I'd wager that in the long term it'll benefit both the op and the kids.

the roast aspect was just a particular thing that week because she decided dc were having to much meat in their diet. they are not vegetarians, its more of an indication of the types of things we are told, what activity's they can and cant do, texts or emails after weekends saying what we should or shouldn't have done over the previous weekends. then if dp does try to be tough, contact is stopped because she is concerned about dc safety, until we agree.
you are right phones can be turned off and doors can be closed and i never get involved in arguments between dp and ex nor do i retaliate when she has a go at me in an attempt to stop things from getting more acrimonious but to be honest it isnt working.
so thats my point at what point do you say ok thats enough now we have to put a stop to this.
maybe its because of the pregnancy that its become more of a concern at how much it effects our life. we have the children every weekend. i dont want any sort of relationship with her, she insisted on meeting me, turns up to drop off kids when she know dp will not be here etc sends emails.

MQ, yes, I think that is the hard thing to judge. Is this part of a controlling set of behaviours that will escalate, or is it just the reaction of a distressed woman who has gone through a divorce and is PFBish?

There are endless stories on MN who have made ridiculous requests of extended family members in fits of PFB behaviour. I admit that I have made ridiculous requests myself to my family. Now, I imagine that in a divorce situation, that attitude remains and may even get a bit worse.

So it could be that the mum is a control freak and it will escalate to some ludicrous and damaging demand, but I'd say deal with that if it actually happens. For the moment, treat things like the roast dinner as a ridiculous over-reacting request that can be indulged because the likelihood is that the mum will calm down once she is a bit more used to the situation and the OP. And that calming down is far more likely if she doesn't feel that the OP is in conflict with her.

pfb?

Sorry, OP, it means precious first born. Women often get overwhelmed by protectiveness when they have a child and start making over the top demands of how people must treat their child.

An example would be my friend, a childminder, who was told by a mum that she must dry the mum's baby's bottom with a hairdryer every time she changed their nappy.

look you must have gone into this with your eyes open, ? did you ever think it would go easy? come on?

Look 2 wrongs dont make a right, relatonships fuck up all the time. and yes you can buy the "she was a bitch" story if you want to

but its a big fucking mess and my advice is to stop thinking about her, and stay well out of it to be honest

you are with him, and you are pregnant. if this is for the long haul. this will get harder and harder not easier and easier. so you need to develop some coping mechanisms

I bet she is broken hearted to be honest

A minor point though-if OP & her husband have no input as regards what the children do at their mother´s house-why should she think that she gets input as to what they do at their father´s house.

He sees them every weekend-so I´m guessing he has a good idea of their likes/dislikes & what they like to do!

Are you happy with the 'every weekend' arrangment Crusty? What about when your baby is born? Will it still continue or will you want to be alone with 'your' family?

Well a number of reasons Diddl:

1. The mother is the primary carer, so she establishes the children's general routine and stability as she has them most of the time.
2. There isn't another person in the mother's home, so the father doesn't have to be concerned about the behaviour of this extra person who he hasn't chosen , but will over time have an influence over his children's life. The mother will have that worry.
3. Just because somebody else is making things more complicated than they need to be, there is no reason to behave in the same way back.

But of course when it comes to major decisions, the father should feel he can participate.

Perhaps I am being too hopeful, but I do think that it is possible that the OP becoming the mother of a half sibling could actually create a better bond with the mother and improve the situation. Certainly my SIL has little contact with her child's father and her former partner, but she is close to the ex partner's second partner (now also separated from him) and the children of both women are close to each other as they are half siblings.

"why should she think that she gets input as to what they do at their father´s house."

She shouldn't it's completely unreasonable. And if she is stopping contact based on them refusing to comply with her ludicrous demands she's being controlling and vindictive.

"Just because somebody else is making things more complicated than they need to be, there is no reason to behave in the same way back."

No, of course.

But if someone is being controlling for the sake of it-do you give in all the time?

i am very happy with the every weekend dp has had this contact in place since i met him so i was always aware of his commitments there. like i said i have a good relationship with his dd's they have known me for 6 months give or take we have fun together there is no resentment there ruby and when the baby is born he or she will have to older sisters to play with every weekend.

redruby, thats a funny question

its got naff all to do with the OP how much the Dad sees his kids

every weekend is GOOD I hate this every other weekend shit that fathers seem to get

Good OP - just seen it change too often to every other weekend leaving confused kids in it's wake.

I think you see the roast request as controlling and vindictive because your overall relationship with her is not good.

I mean, imagine you got on very well with her. And she said casually one week, oh they've had so much meat this week, would you mind not giving them more this weekend? You'd probably say, well, sure, it's a one-off request, no problem.

What I mean is that I don't think that's a terrible request in and of itself. If that's the worse of her requests, it sounds pretty dealable.

She is obviously not coping very well and having a hard time letting her children go every weekend. Of course you have every right to stamp your foot and refuse all her requests as unreasonable but do you think that will improve the situation? I think unless it's something that seriously puts you out, why not go along in order to soothe her. After a while of 'winning' in this way she will probably calm down.

If I understand your posts, you have only been living with your DP for 6 months. I'm not at all saying she's being reasonable but that is not a huge amount of time to get used to the new reality.

But you could look at it the other way & say that if the mother knows that OP does a roast at weekends, she could adjust in the week so that one more meat meal wouldn´t be too much for them.

yeah but it's not as though the roast is the biggest problem.

"its more of an indication of the types of things we are told, what activity's they can and cant do, texts or emails after weekends saying what we should or shouldn't have done over the previous weekends. then if dp does try to be tough, contact is stopped because she is concerned about dc safety, until we agree."

So it's constant demands and intrusions which if not met = contact stopped.
I'd be doing my best to put a stop to that immediately.

"So it's constant demands and intrusions which if not met = contact stopped.
I'd be doing my best to put a stop to that immediately."

I agree with that.

It´s disgusting that if something is properly in place & working for the children, contact can be withdrawn at a whim.

Oh I agree they need to figure out a way to put a stop to it.

I just think that fronting up to her and refusing to go along is just going to put her back up -- as the OP says, she will just withdraw contact.

Whereas you catch more flies with honey, etc and so on. Don't give the ex anything to rant about... let her wear herself out... she will probably calm down at some point.

"as the OP says, she will just withdraw contact."

How is this allowed to happen, though?

She says that the children can´t come & OP & her husband just have to accept it-why is that?

unfortunately there is not a lot we can do, i have suggested to dp that he get a contact order but if she says no he cant have the kids what does he do go round to hers and demand them, make a scene, she can just call the police. as unfair as it sounds if the rp says no then there isnt much to be done. dp has given in to demands several times on the basis of just feeling helpless and wanting to see his children.

yes dream i do see the roast thing as just one more thing to be a pita because quite frankly a bit of chicken on a sunday is not going to do anyone any harm and i am starting to feel that every time we pacify her and smooth things over as you put it we are just further absolving the behaviour and setting it up for more in the future iyswim.
i am starting to agree with the people saying that dp is their father and perfectly capable of seeing to their needs at the weekends without interference from his ex, he is their father after all and not some stranger off the street, right?
6 months is not a massively long time for everyone to get use to the situation but it also didnt just happen a week ago so surely it should be getting better rather than worse? this contact arrangement has been in place for over two years so its not got much to do with letting her children go at the weekend and a lot to do with still pulling dp chain.
this post is probably a lot angrier sounding than the others because dp just got a text saying that she didnt think she could keep to the agreed contact over christmas. she was going to have them christmas eve and up till 5 christmas day then dp was going to pick them up for the rest of the day and boxing day, because she thinks it would be too hard for her to have them drive away christmas day.
we have bought presents and the children are looking forward to their two christmas days in one. dp is devastated because for the first time in 3 Christmases he was going to get to see them on christmas day i just dont know what to say to him. i dont know what to think, they had this arranged for months. again part of me thinks i sort of understand her point of view but then surely the kids feeling are more important here.