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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable BF wants to go away for NY- am 19 weeks pregnant!

110 replies

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 00:15

I am 17 weeks pregnant- Bf wants to go away for NY-we have argued over it- I have told him I am not ok with it- we have had agreed to disagree- going to cool off for a few days and see what happens.

Thing is I think he might just book it regardless of how I feel- I see this as a being disrespectful about us and my feelings particularly if i am carrying his baby- I will be at home whilst he is out.

His argument is that he is going to be a dad soon- he sees this as his last party before he settles down and becomes a father.

He promises to call and keep in touch- we separated earlier this year for a few weeks- so we both know that trust is hard task for us to get back. I feel if he books this knowing how I feel- the only cost I can see is ending it!!!

Am I being unreasonable ?

please help- pregnancy is sending my hormones all over the place- want to try and stay rational about these things :)

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 19/12/2011 00:18

Sorry, YABU. If you were 38 weeks you'd have a point.
I do totally understand though.. feels massively unfair and presumptious when you are hormonal and vulnerable, doesn't it?

slavetofilofax · 19/12/2011 00:21

YABU.

If you need to freak out and consider ending your relationship over your dp going away for a few days just because you are pregnant, then you need to ask yourself why you might be feeling that way, and is this actually a healthy relationship.

missingmumxox · 19/12/2011 00:21

yabu BUT, book yourself your last hurrah with some friends as well, enjoy it while you can.

mumblechum1 · 19/12/2011 00:22

YABU.

My dh was working 400 miles away right up till I was 38 weeks.

Nothing is going to happen,but why can't you go to NY together? It's a fab place at new year.

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2011 00:23

You're pregnant to a man you don't trust.

That in itself is a massive problem and one you will both have to overcome if you stand any chance of raising this child together.

You're saying you can see you ending this relationship if he goes ahead and books it. Do you realise how controlling that makes you sound? Where will that sort of control end? Every time he says or does something you don't like, are you going to threaten to end the relationship?

exexpat · 19/12/2011 00:26

I think YABU too, unless you had special NY plans together which he is now backing out of, or unless you suspect he is going to do something while he is away that would be a problem for your relationship, eg take drugs, sleep with other women.

I don't see a problem with couples going off for a few days now and then on separate holidays - in fact I think it's good for the relationship. I can see that pregnancy hormones might make you feel a bit clingy, but there is no real reason why he shouldn't have a few days away. Will you also say he shouldn't ever go away without you once you have had the baby?

jasper · 19/12/2011 00:27

bubbles, why are you not happy with him going?

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 00:29

YABU - agree with Worra

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2011 00:30

YABU, I am 30 weeks and would be happy if DH wanted to go away for NY and we have a toddler too.

What your bf says is true you know, once he becomes a dad there will be less time for parties and the fact that he recognises that is a sign that he is ready to settle down and commit.

There will be many times when you will be at home with the baby and he may be out and vice versa.

Is it because you want to be with him for NY, or is this about trust?

WorraLiberty · 19/12/2011 00:31

Where does he want to go and for how long?

ilovesooty · 19/12/2011 00:31

Agree with Worra too.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 19/12/2011 00:32

I think Worra has raised some stuff worth thinking about, OP. Hope you are ok btw

Original poster

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 00:33

Yeah it does feel unfair- my hormones are all over the place- cause the trust was broken badly in the past- I go through real paranoid phases- I analyse everything he says- does looking for signs :) funny thing is deep down I know there is no control over these things- and for the most part things are ok :)

thanks for the honest advise- really appreciate it- :)

OP posts:

FoxyRoxy · 19/12/2011 00:34

You're pregnant, unless you're high risk and need bed rest or something whats stopping you doing something with your friends?

He's acknowledged that it's the last year he'll be able to go off on a jaunt for a while, that's a good thing, no?

Let him go, and make your own plans! You're allowed to enjoy yourself as well you know.

FannyBazaar · 19/12/2011 00:35

Does he want to go away without you or are you not wanting to go away with him?

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/12/2011 00:36

Congratulations and warm wishes for the future OP :)

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 19/12/2011 00:36

YOUVU

Original poster

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 01:00

The flights are booked to Dublin- NY eve & NY day I think- away 2-3 days in total. I never thought about the controlling angle of things- think I need to reign it in!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 01:03

Oh sorry forgot to say he wants to go away on his own with a bunch of friends I believe-

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 19/12/2011 01:13

IMO - perfectly normal for him to want to do this.. last hurrah and all that

Look at it this way - the fact that he's saying that he wants a last party before he settles down is a Good Thing! Means he recognises that things are going to change and he's making the most of it before the responsibility really kicks in. Difficult I think - you're already carrying the baby, but nothing has physically changed for him yet..

As a random rule of thumb though - one off massive boozers = fine. Every other night in the pub leaving you to be his personal slave = less so

obviously tongue in cheek a little here, but hopefully you get what I'm saying

izzywhizzysmincepies · 19/12/2011 01:24

YANBU.

I'd be mightily peed off if the man who chose me to make a baby with decided that he'd rather be off with his mates than see in the New Year with the woman who'll be giving birth to his child in 2012.

If he wanted to bugger for a few days or a few weeks on Jan 2, or Jan 1 if he was sufficiently compos mentis after Hogmanay, I'd happily drive him to the airport.

Similarly, if he wanted to absent himself from December 26-30 I'd wish him a cheerful bon voyage.

But electing to spend New Year's Eve with his mates on the spurious grounds that he'll have to settle down when pfb arrives is out of order and doesn't bode well for the future.

What's going to happen when his mates are off to celebrate New Year's Eve next year? Is he going to award himself a trip because he's had to cope with the onerous burden of parenthood for a few months? Or will he be happy to stay home alone with his dc while you take off to celebrate New Year with les girls?

Wongamum · 19/12/2011 01:24

His behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate, all about HIS last party (it won't be) before he becomes a father. Why doesn't he ask you to go with him before you are tied with a new baby?

I would be feeling exactly the same as you are if I were in this situation. YANBU.

xyfactor · 19/12/2011 01:28

If you had posted that you wanted to go away and he wasn't happy many posters would have told you to tell him to grow up.

But good luck OP :)

JarethTheGoblinKing · 19/12/2011 01:31

bubbles - I'm sorry to say this, but i'd be about 21 weeks pregnant if i hadn't miscarried.. you sound lovely and many many congratulations on your pregnancy, but.. you do not need a babysitter just because you'll be 19 weeks pregnant.

If it overlapped with you 20 week scan in a couple of weeks then I would be very annoyed. But it won't.

Original poster

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 01:33

Yep get what your saying- and I would say is a more last hurrah kind of thing. That's the way he's thinking about it being one last time- one off boozer. Think my trust issue are a bigger problem than I originally thought :(

OP posts:

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