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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable BF wants to go away for NY- am 19 weeks pregnant!

110 replies

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 00:15

I am 17 weeks pregnant- Bf wants to go away for NY-we have argued over it- I have told him I am not ok with it- we have had agreed to disagree- going to cool off for a few days and see what happens.

Thing is I think he might just book it regardless of how I feel- I see this as a being disrespectful about us and my feelings particularly if i am carrying his baby- I will be at home whilst he is out.

His argument is that he is going to be a dad soon- he sees this as his last party before he settles down and becomes a father.

He promises to call and keep in touch- we separated earlier this year for a few weeks- so we both know that trust is hard task for us to get back. I feel if he books this knowing how I feel- the only cost I can see is ending it!!!

Am I being unreasonable ?

please help- pregnancy is sending my hormones all over the place- want to try and stay rational about these things :)

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 19/12/2011 08:07

IMO YABU re 19 weeks but YANBU to expect him to want to stay on his own volition over NY, or take you. If it was say something you don't do eg skiing with mates later in Jan it'd be more acceptable IMO

bigscarymum · 19/12/2011 08:11

My DD was a bit like this at 14 - although at that age we probably could control them a bit more. Fortunately his parents were very much on the same wave length. We only allowed them to see each other Monday-Thursday. To start with we said they could see each other when they had done their work but if course they rushed through it and so that didn't work. Phone had to be on the landing when she was doing homework - although still had access to computer of course. It was all very distracting and difficult with lots of rows, but it did settle down into a more manageable pattern. Fortunately it ran its course after a year and they broke up with neither being too upset Smile. DD is now in year 11 and sats she doesn't want a boyfriend as she wants to concentrate on her GCSEs!! My advice would be to discuss it with his parents, set some rules (difficult at this stage) and stick to them. Good luck - its very difficult doing battle with teenage hormones.

bigscarymum · 19/12/2011 08:12

Oops wrong thread. Darned iPhone Blush

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2011 08:13

DH went yachting in Antigua for 10 days when I was about 30 weeks (encouraged by me, he wouldn't have wanted to go when dd was here), and promptly got stuck cause of the volcano and nearly couldn't get back. Hormones were racing believe me!

MmeLindor. · 19/12/2011 08:15

YANBU

If he was planning a trip with friends at any other time then that would be ok, but NYE is a special night (or it is for me) and I would want to spend that night with my boyfriend.

Adding in the trust issues, I would say you need to have a good long look at your relationship.

DressingGownSnowQueen · 19/12/2011 08:18

I'm sorry but I think YABU.

My ex-p has to travel alot so I was left alone alot of my pregnancy (including NY) Never did anyone any harm, or meant he was any less committed to me or the baby.

Mulledbee · 19/12/2011 08:20

I'm another that thinks NYE is special - I'd be disappointed if I wasn't invited to spend it with him. Do make sure whatever happens that you have a good night too (assuming you're having a good second trimester). I'll be 39 weeks pregnant on NYE and will be spending it on the sofa. I'm so uncomfortable! Grin

Whatmeworry · 19/12/2011 08:21

DH went yachting in Antigua for 10 days when I was about 30 weeks (encouraged by me, he wouldn't have wanted to go when dd was here)

There is no way DH would have been able to go yachting without me at 19 weeks, oh no :o

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 19/12/2011 08:22

I would have no objection to DH wanting to go away etc but I'm always a bit Hmm of these men who profess to need a 'last fling'. Says a lot about their (im)maturity levels to me.

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 08:29

I actually don't think YABU. I will be 29 weeks at NY and would be disappointed if DH would rather spend it with his mates than with me. For me, in our relationship, it would ring alarm bells as normally he would rather spend it with me, and I would wonder what had changed now that I was pregnant, and wonder what would change once the baby arrived. I'm still the same person, just with a bump - why would he suddenly rather be away from me?

nomoreheels · 19/12/2011 08:46

I went out for NYE without DP at 17 weeks! Grin I had lots of fun.

Couples don't need to be joined at the hip, in fact I'd suffocate if I didn't regularly get out on my own - but they do need a solid foundation in order for it to work. Hope you can work out the trust issues and congratulations on your pregnancy.

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 08:51

I think it depends on what the rest of your relationship is like. DH works really long hours and we often don't see nearly as much of each other as we'd like. We make a big effort to be together (and not in the office!) for Christmas, NY and birthdays. So for us, DH not wanting to spend NY with me (or vice versa) would be a real shock and probably wouldn't say very good things about our relationship - for us. It may be different for you if you normally go your separate ways for NY.

Shakirasma · 19/12/2011 08:52

Who has arranged the trip?

If it is your DP's idea and he has arranged it then YANBU to be upset. But if it is one of the other lads then or course he wants to go along with the others, who wouldn't? He wont want to miss out!

My DH regularly goes away with his male friends, he did so long before he met me and who am I to stop him? I'm his wife not his jailer. The same courtesy is extended to me if I want to.

I would rather he go and have a good time then come home to me refreshed and happy to see me, than for me to stop him and have him sitting here with me bitter and wishing he was elsewhere!

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 08:55

Shakira - I suspect most men wouldn't come home "refreshed" from a weekend in Dublin over NYE with their friends! I think "hungover, knackered, and taking a fortnight to recover fully" might be more realistic!

Shakirasma · 19/12/2011 08:57

Lol I agree with you there snowy!

However I meant emotionally/spiritually or whatever you call it. Everybody needs a change of scene and routine now and again.

SimoneD · 19/12/2011 08:58

OP, I dont think YABU at all. I'd be really upset if my DH wanted to spend NYE with his mates instead of me. Any other time wouldnt bother me but like other posters I think Christmas day & NYE are special days that should be spent with people you love. This coupled with the trust issues makes me think he is being incredibly selfish - I take it he cheated on you? How long ago was this?
Also, I dont know if money is an issue but Dublin is incredibly expensive. A 2-3 day bender there will cost him a small fortune. If money is no object then OK but if we were having to save for baby stuff then I would be mightily pissed off.

Takeresponsibility · 19/12/2011 08:58

"IMO Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and New Year's Eve are but 3 dates out of 365 that should, where possible, be spent with one's nearest and dearest."

Christmas Eve I'm working, NYE night he's working, luckily both off Xmas day - but only through luck chance of shift work rosters working out well. Many of us can't be together no matter how "sentimental" we might feel about a day.

OP-You have to decide exactly what it is that you object to - do you perceive that he is choosing his mates over you or a last piss up before domesticity, or do you not trust him to behave when out of your sight?

If the first then you need to consider your perspective and look at things from everyone's point of view, if the latter this is much more serious as you consider the joint parent of your child as untrustworthy.

You need to define the exact nature of your problem with his going away - if it is the last hurrah/getting pissed when you can't/choosing to be with his mates rather than you one last time then YABU, if the issue is the lack of trust the I think you need help to deal with that issue before baby is born.

pootlebug · 19/12/2011 09:01

I am 29 weeks pregnant and have two children under 4. My DH is away for the week ski-ing. I love ski-ing but it just isn't a feasible thing to do at 29 weeks pregnant. What would be the point in me stopping him going just out of jealousy because I can't? It's not like he does it every other week....we haven't skied since before our eldest was born.

I would be totally happy for him to do the same over New Year, although not over Christmas. I guess part of it is whether you see New Year as a 'big thing'. I don't and never have done, so I guess that is part of it too.

Tryharder · 19/12/2011 09:01

If my DH was going away for NY, i would expect to be included in the invitation.

AwayinaKayzr · 19/12/2011 09:09

I think YABU. You say you split up over trust issues. Well you decided to get back together and have a baby.

Maybe it is because my DP works away and so I have to go through special days alone all the time. Or because I don't see NYE as a special day. Its just a day for people to go out and drink themselves stupid.

I will be 15 weeks at NY and if DP wants to go away or out with his friends then he can do.

Shakirasma · 19/12/2011 09:14

Actually you need to look on the bright side.

There is nothing worse than being with people getting rat arsed when you cannot join in.

And you will have your bed to yourself, free of snoring, beer breath and stinky farts. Bliss!!

overmydeadbody · 19/12/2011 09:15

YABU

Being 19 weeks pregnant doesn't mean you get to tell your DP what he can and can't do.

If you have trust issues, you need to aort those out, but you cannot control a man by stopping him going out. Nor can you ensure his trust by stopping him going out. What is it exactly you are worried he will get up to in Dublin that is so terrible?

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 09:17

Are the people he is planning on going with married/in long term relationships/have children? If so, I suspect the trip may not get off the ground (unless it's already booked) as so many wives/parters will be Hmm about it. Dublin is insanely expensive so, unless you are all loaded, at the moment, when everyone is economising, it might just be a pipe dream that won't really happen.

SardineQueen · 19/12/2011 09:19

I think it's right that he checks with you before booking anything

But I think the answer you give needs to be yes, fine, go and have a great time

exoticfruits · 19/12/2011 09:31

YABU. I can't see why you can't go-it is a lot simpler than it will be next year. Go and have fun.