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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable BF wants to go away for NY- am 19 weeks pregnant!

110 replies

bubbles1975 · 19/12/2011 00:15

I am 17 weeks pregnant- Bf wants to go away for NY-we have argued over it- I have told him I am not ok with it- we have had agreed to disagree- going to cool off for a few days and see what happens.

Thing is I think he might just book it regardless of how I feel- I see this as a being disrespectful about us and my feelings particularly if i am carrying his baby- I will be at home whilst he is out.

His argument is that he is going to be a dad soon- he sees this as his last party before he settles down and becomes a father.

He promises to call and keep in touch- we separated earlier this year for a few weeks- so we both know that trust is hard task for us to get back. I feel if he books this knowing how I feel- the only cost I can see is ending it!!!

Am I being unreasonable ?

please help- pregnancy is sending my hormones all over the place- want to try and stay rational about these things :)

OP posts:
LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 09:33

I don't think the OP is included in the invitation, exotic.

squeakytoy · 19/12/2011 09:38

I dont think OP is being unreasonable. Pregnant or not, its a bit shit when someone would rather be with their mates than their partner on New Years Eve. It doesnt sound like she has been included but doesnt want to go. He just wants to bugger off with his mates and leave her at home.

They have split up this year, they are now expecting a baby.. you would think it would be the ideal chance for "new year, new start", spending it together and looking forward to the future, instead her boyfriend would rather be on his own. Doesnt bode well to me.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 19/12/2011 09:45

You sound pretty reasonable in your latter posts, listening to others points of view, not kicking off...

If that's generally the person you are - sounds like it is - then your unhappiness here ISN'T because you're generally controlling (yes usually threatening to end things over this would be massively unreasonable and controlling) but because you don't trust him.

That's the problem.

I'd go further and say that if he has let you down to a great extent (cheated??), KNOWS your trust is fragile and for a very good reason, and will go ahead and book it anyway, then you might be right not to have any faith in him.

If you've split because of something he did, and got back together with it made expressly clear that it's time now for him to step up, show he can put you and the baby first etc. etc. - then this metaphorical giving you the finger - 'I'll do what I want to do' - might be telling you everything you need to know.

But be honest with yourself. Is it that clear-cut? Or did your relationship founder for many reasons, if we heard his side of it would he have fair and right reasons for wanting to go away? You being 19 weeks isnt relevant at all unless you're having a really, really hard pregnancy.

Would it be helpful to talk more about how and why your trust has been broken? At the end of the day, 3 days isn't important - it's what it signfiies for the future, and that's something you should decide from looking at the whole picture of who he is, rather than making a knee-jerk decision on the basis of one incident.

Deliaskis · 19/12/2011 09:46

The thing is, the trust issue is one problem which needs addressing, and if that's what this is about, then it's not going to disappear after NYE is it?

However, I think everybody going on about the OP being controlling and not wanting to 'allow' him to go away is kind of missing the point. They're a couple, they're having a baby together, they're supposed to want to spend time together, not necessarily every moment of every day, but usually as much time as possible/reasonable, and particularly on any kind of significant/important days. I would be upset and disappointed if DH said he would prefer to spend Christmas or NY with other people and not with me, it would say a lot about our relationship if that was the case.

I was pg last Christmas/NY, and DH and I spent NYE in a cottage in north wales, with a big log fire, lots of DVDs, and amazing cheese board and loads of chocolate, it was fab. It was so worlds apart from sitting at home on my own because DH had buggered off to Dublin with his mates (who by the way, all spent NYE with their wives/SOs as well).

I don't think it's that unreasonable or controlling to say you wish you were spending NY together. If he chooses not to, then yes, I think it is relevant to start to question whether the relationship is going to give you what you want/need when you are raising the baby.

D

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 09:46

Exactly what squeakytoy says.

I don't think this man is a keeper, OP, sorry.

Bogeyface · 19/12/2011 09:49

I wonder what the excuse will be the next time there is a Jolly Boys trip somewhere.

YANBU, especially as you havent been given the option to go too. As another poster said, using your pregnancy as an excuse to go on a bender says alot about his maturity levels (or lack thereof), and I would bet a weeks wages that before next Xmas he will suddenly need a weekend away because he deserves it due to having the baby.

Couple that with the lack of trust (did he cheat?) then I would say that this is nothing to do with a NY trip, but everything to do with his attitude to the OP and the pregnancy. It doesnt bode well to me :(

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 09:57

yabu,if relationship can't withstand a trip away your unlikely to last as parents.yes you're carrying a baby doesn't mean he's glued to you for duration of pg. instead of bellyaching about his 2-3 days away I hope you've discussed big parental stuff
finances
length mat leave
nursery or not when return to work

I don't think weekend away with pals is a big ask,but clearly you do. so I suppose flect upon why it really bothers you

FeebleFeebie · 19/12/2011 10:01

why did you bring a baby into an unstable relationship? You say you have separated before now and obviously are still not 100% sure about your relationship

ImperialBlether · 19/12/2011 10:02

I wanted to ask that, too, FeebleFeebie.

If someone was unfaithful or there were other problems, I'd wait a long time before having a child with him.

pigletmania · 19/12/2011 10:04

YABU you are only 19 weeks pregnant, not 39 weeks. Why don't you organise something nice with your friends yourself.

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2011 10:05

I know Whatme, it was a rainy miserable Easter here as well...they got diverted VIA Barbados so had a fee days there as well, poor boys. All expenses paid, I looked like this. Envy the whole time.

pigletmania · 19/12/2011 10:07

You are reasonable to be worried at your boyfriend behaviour, he does sound very selfish and self centred and there have been past issues.

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 10:08

adults don't need to ask permission to go away and nor do you need to feel he has to seek it. given you and dp have trust issues I'm not sure why you proceed to have baby til issues resolved. a new baby challenges and stretches any relationship as at that moment you realise how co-joined you all are and how things will never be the same again

best wishes with pg, I hope you both find a resolution and fortitude.and don't sweat the wee stuff like weekend trips

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 10:17

"Permission" to go away does become a factor when you are a family with shared finances and lives, though. If DH or I go away without the other one, that eats into the money we have to available to spend on other things (like holidays together), as well as into annual leave which impacts on the time we have available to spend with each other.

samandi · 19/12/2011 10:22

YANBU. It's perfectly reasonable to expect that you would spend NYE together.

samandi · 19/12/2011 10:22

Plus it's very late notice for him to be organising something.

NinkyNonker · 19/12/2011 10:24

I agree r.e permission, but similarly would be a bit hurt/surprised if DH wanted to go off for NY, especially when pregnant.

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 10:27

it speaks volumes that you can't tolerate idea of him going away
you two have some hard work to do
I certainly discuss and negotiate I don't and never will seek permission.nor do I give permission to my adult partner

IMO adult relationship based on requiring permission is flawed

AmberLeaf · 19/12/2011 10:29

I think there is a big difference between having to be away with work and choosing to be away.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 19/12/2011 10:32

My exp was like this during my pregnancy, he never went away for the weekend, fair enough, and we did go out together, but he never once came home with me at the same time. And I wasn't going home at 8pm or anything, more like midnight, but he would turn up home the following morning. I found it incredibly hurtful, especially as I had several friends and aquaintances who were pregnant at the same time, and all their partners seemed to be sticking to a couple of pints of shandy, then driving their wives home. It really brought home to me that he could still do exactly what he wanted to do, and I just had to suck it up. If we had had trust issues, then it would have been made a million times worse. I don't think you are being unreasonable Op.

scottishmummy · 19/12/2011 10:33

yes and adults can chose to go away without seeking permission
the act of seeking or assuming need to give permission in a relationship is flawed and controlling

LoveInASnowyClimate · 19/12/2011 10:35

Perhaps I should have said "joint decision" above, rather than "permission". NYE in Dublin will, I suspect, end up costing the best part of a grand with flights, accomodation, and the fact that a pint is, I am told, now at least 5 or 6 Euros and a lot more in a lot of bars. Before spending a grand on something that would benefit only one of us, DH and I would discuss and agree it.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 19/12/2011 10:35

He shouldn't have to seek permission. I never told exp what to do, but it would have been nice if he had wanted to be with me.

AnaisB · 19/12/2011 10:36

YANBU - I'd be pissed of if my partner didn't want to spend NY with me.

SimoneD · 19/12/2011 10:39

Agree with Snowy. Its not about having to seek permission. Its about having respect for another person and having a joint discussion re how the other person felt, finances etc before booking a trip. Sounds like the OPs DH is saying Fuck you, Im going away with my mates whether you like it or not - thats not the sort of relationship Id want to be in, with or without a baby.