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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you tell off other people's kids?

120 replies

MistyMountainHop · 17/12/2011 12:17

the other week i told my good friends 4 YO off for bouncing repeatedly on my sofa, i didn't shout, but i told him quite firmly to pack it in. my friend was on my laptop so didn't notice what he was doing. my dc are not allowed to do that, and don't, so why should other people's?

she texted me later on saying she was really upset that i told him off, and she didnt want me to ever tell him off again.

i was a bit hurt but then thought about it for a bit, and realised that none of my friends have had the need to tell my kids off yet and maybe if they did i too would be hurt / pissed off / both, i dunno

whats other people's stance on this?

OP posts:
peggotty · 17/12/2011 12:19

It's tricky and always a bit of a minefield. Maybe you should have said to your friend 'would you mind telling x to stop jumping on the sofa please'.

Dee03 · 17/12/2011 12:20

No I don't think you were BU... I would've done the same. She should've been aware of what her child was doing.

Dee03 · 17/12/2011 12:20

What reply did you send her back ?

1Catherine1 · 17/12/2011 12:22

hmm... Problem is I do this without thinking. It is second nature to me since I spend hours with other peoples children every day and have to tell them off.

I think if he was doing something to disrespect your home then you were within your rights and not unreasonable to tell him Stop jumping on my sofa. If however you had told him off for not finishing his dinner or for biting his nails then perhaps I would say you were unreasonable.

Your friend is unreasonable imo.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 17/12/2011 12:22

i said sorry Blush

OP posts:
MissJanuary · 17/12/2011 12:24

You were absolutely right, no question. I have no problem at all other people telling my children off if I'm not around/haven't noticed what they are doing. She needs to get over herself.

You should have texted back saying as long as they don't jump on your couch and respect your house, you'll not NEED to tell them off again.

People like this make me slap my forehead slowly.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 12:24

Damn right I would tell them off if they were doing something that affected/annoyed me in my own home!

I would reply to her "well you may be happy for him to wreck your furniture, but it doesnt happen in my house, so I suggest you dont bring him over here again unless you keep him under control".

AnaisB · 17/12/2011 12:24

I would have done the same.

spiderpig8 · 17/12/2011 12:24

YAB a bit U.You could have just said kindly.'Please could you not jump on the sofa sweetheart'

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 17/12/2011 12:25

I would of text back saying 'i was hurt you didn't stop him trashing my property'

CailinDana · 17/12/2011 12:30

The daughter of a friend of mine jumped on my DS's back recently. Seeing as he is 11 months and was crawling, and she's a very bright 2 year old I thought it was totally unacceptable so I got quite cross with her and I said "X you do NOT jump on DS's back." She understood right away and backed off and her mum didn't say a word. If the situation were reversed I would expect another mum to tell my DS off. I think you were right to say something.

andSothisisChristmasme · 17/12/2011 12:30

IME good friends deal with each other's DC on an "as needed" basis. I have no hesitation in telling my friends children off and I know they do the same with mine if I am not present/paying enough attention.

Just wondering, as you are good friends, how did he/she get to be 4yo before this issue has come up?

bananamam · 17/12/2011 12:34

I tell other peoples children off in my own home if their parents seem to not bother...that's a real pet hate. He should have been told off by his own mother. The other week at the theatre a child was kicking the back of DPs chair. The child was asked very politely to stop by dp. Not once but twice. Child's parents watched their child continue to really kick DPs chair and did nothing. So dp turned around and told the child quite sternly to please stop. They got up and moved!!! Some people are bloody stupid .....

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 17/12/2011 12:35

Too right I do, if they are pissing me off.

gabid · 17/12/2011 12:36

I would have no problem with you telling my DC off for jumping on your sofa. If your friend was on you laptop she left you to supervise her kids I suppose. No jumping on the sofa are you house rules and I suppose you would feel very uncomfortable if you let other people's DC do it and yours are not allowed - what message are you giving your DC? Even you friend should accept your rules in your house. If I jump on my sofa at home I have to accept that other people may not do that.

A year ago one of my DS's friends really pushed my buttons when he was round (throwing things and being very rough, almost violent). I had to put my foot down and enforce our rules, for me and my DS.

D0G · 17/12/2011 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharminglyOdd · 17/12/2011 12:38

We have several friends with young children and all of us gather together at each other's houses. My family brought us all up (very large family - 20 children in total) so that if a child was doing something the parents wouldn't allow but the parents weren't in the room, it was/is perfectly acceptable to tell the child (firmly but nicely) to stop. No shouting etc.

I've carried this forward, without thinking, to our friends children (if we're all in a party they can't watch the children all the time) and the parents don't bat an eyelid.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 17/12/2011 12:40

YANBU to have told him not to jump on your sofa.

YABU to have said 'sorry'. You should have just sent a text back saying - it is my sofa and I don't allow children to jump on it, next time feel free to tell him youself before I do :) However, this would never have happened with any of my friends as we aren't that bloody precious.

If the child is in my house/car/personal space I'll hesitate a second and if their parents don't say anything I will. That goes for things that will damage my stuff or hurt someone, but it also goes for things that are just plain unacceptable (picking noses springs to mind), but I'll do that at their house too if their parents don't. I don't want to have to see it!!

fluffylegs · 17/12/2011 12:41

I am just learning about this as DD is 15 months and I am shocked at how much I think other people's kids get away with. At a recent bday party a 4 year old was taking away everything she picked up and doing a tug of war with her and then pushing the trolley she was pushing so that she fell over. I had to bite my tongue ( I know he is also young but he was getting away with being a pain in the arse) as it was really bothering me. I am glad I didn't react but I can see that I might in the future.

It is your sofa, your house - too right you told her off and that mum should have been disciplining her own child so that you didn't have to. You shouldn't have to sugar the pill either, firmly is fine.

andSothisisChristmasme · 17/12/2011 12:48

See fluffylegs there is no way I would have keep quiet in that situation. DD is 4, DS 16mo so I experience this with my own all the time! I don't let her get away with it, and I cannot understand why any parent would watch their 4yo do that to a baby and let them get away with it.

Recently at a playgroup I attend a little boy (just turned 2) in the space of about twenty minutes pushed, hit or took a toy from almost every other child in the room. About 6 people (yes, including me) told him off. Not shouting of course, but "No, we don't hit/push/snatch" in a firm tone. His mother was at the other side of the room with her baby DD, doing nothing. Xmas Hmm To be fair in the weeks since she has began to discipline him and his behaviour has improved a lot. But I think if everyone had ignored it she would have too.

maxpower · 17/12/2011 12:51

Personally I'd be embarrassed if someone else had had to tell my DCs off. I have told other people's DC's off but only if they are doing something dangerous (such as running into the road Shock ) or that might hurt someone (eg swinging school bag round their head while standing in line in the playground Hmm )

SetFiretotheRain · 17/12/2011 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gabid · 17/12/2011 12:55

There is a saying, 'it takes a village to raise a child' or something like that. I would be grateful if other adults told my DC what is right and wrong when I am not there, or tell me when I am not there, especially when they get older and become teenagers.

hackmum · 17/12/2011 13:08

The problem here is that your friend was there at the time, so not only are you telling off her kids (which is acceptable), you are implicitly criticising her parenting because she didn't tell them off. That's why she's pissed off. Of course you are within your rights to tell her kids off - it's your sofa after all - but I think you need to do something like that diplomatically. You may well have done so, but obviously we weren't there so can't tell.

MrsHoarder · 17/12/2011 13:08

I've told off next door's GC: but they had flown out of a (blind) alleyway on scooters into the road right in front of my moving car (emergency stop meant I didn't hit them). Sometimes the children need telling off right away, and it does take a village.

As long as its something which is universally unacceptable then yes you should tell them off