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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you tell off other people's kids?

120 replies

MistyMountainHop · 17/12/2011 12:17

the other week i told my good friends 4 YO off for bouncing repeatedly on my sofa, i didn't shout, but i told him quite firmly to pack it in. my friend was on my laptop so didn't notice what he was doing. my dc are not allowed to do that, and don't, so why should other people's?

she texted me later on saying she was really upset that i told him off, and she didnt want me to ever tell him off again.

i was a bit hurt but then thought about it for a bit, and realised that none of my friends have had the need to tell my kids off yet and maybe if they did i too would be hurt / pissed off / both, i dunno

whats other people's stance on this?

OP posts:
nailak · 17/12/2011 13:39

Imo yanbu, I agree it takes a community to raise a child. In some circumstances I would tell the child of, and in others I would tell the mother. For example in prenursery group I am always getting involved in getting the kids to respect each other, share, tidy up etc, but yesterday a child hit me and I know this is an ongoing situation the mother is trying to deal with so told the child I am telling your mum and did so.

If it was a good friend at my house I know the methods they use to discipline their kids and would use the same methods. Ie facing a wall etc.
I am happy if someone else tells of my kids. I feel supporters ad a parent and I feel it helps my dcs respect adult authority.

VFVF · 17/12/2011 14:02

DNephew - Yes I tell him off. Even in the presence of DBro and SIL. Luckily they are quite happy for me to do it (especially as he obviously thinks I'm scarier than them so does as he's told Grin)

Strange kids in soft play - Yes, I will not have any child hit, scream at, or block the path of, my toddler. If the parents have an issue I can always suggest they actually watch their child instead of having a gossip elswhere. Luckily no parents have ever said anything (as, lets face it, they haven't even noticed me doing it because of said gossiping/txting etc)

My best friends child - No. Although I'd sometimes dearly love to, I know my friend fiercely disagrees with me on this one. If she's present she knows it's her job to do the disciplining. Which is all well and good, except her approach is the ever ineffectual daarling that's not kiiind approach. Meanwhile my DD (6 months younger) has just been bashed for the third time and is looking at me wondering why her mummy isn't sticking up for her Sad

HairyNigel · 17/12/2011 14:06

I would tell him off if he was bouncing on my sofa aswell, you can hardly ignore it! Don't see the problem with telling other peoples kids not to do certain things or them telling DS off if I wasn't there. As long as its within reason then it's fine. If they were doing something realllly naughty I would leave it to the parent

gabid · 17/12/2011 14:08

DP's aunt tells my DC off in her house if they do something she doesn't like or play with something she doesn't want them to play with. Sometimes I might not agree, but its her house and I respect that.

Hardgoing · 17/12/2011 14:11

I only tend to intervene to tell off if there is damage being caused, either to inanimate objects or to children! So, I have taken away a plastic sword off a child who was whacking other children with it after the mother failed to do so, and I would also step in if I thought a child was getting hurt or things were getting too rough.

Otherwise, no. In this situation, I wouldn't mind at all if someone told my children off. Would I tell them off? I would probably say something like 'oh, in our house we don't jump on the furniture' and look to the friend to take action. I think your friend is being precious though, jumping on other people's sofas is not ok!

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 17/12/2011 14:14

I would be embarrassed I hadn't noticed and told dd off myself.

I do tell other children off all the time in a "no darling don't do that" sort of way, and am surprised at how lax some of my friends are when it is their child doing the hitting/snatching etc.

DD1 is only 2.6 so this will be going on for a while

MamaLazarou · 17/12/2011 14:14

Yes, of course, if their mum isn't around and they're doing something unacceptable. I don't shout at them, though. I would expect my son to be treated in the same way by other mums.

mrsjay · 17/12/2011 14:18

Mibbe if mum wasnt on her flipping laptop she would check her son for what he was doing , mums like that really piss me off , I would tell her you didnt tell him off for jumping on the sofa so i did , sorry it upset you but he isnt allowed to do it in my house , It may cause tension but you did nothing wrong imo ,

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 17/12/2011 14:24

Yes I do all the time and I expect my friends to tell my kids off too. The only time it isn't ok is when you don't tell your own child off for doing something and then tell your friend's child off for doing exactly the same thing. I have seen that happen sometimes and it really pisses me off

pingu2209 · 17/12/2011 14:47

is this your friend's only child? Some people can be precious over their child if they only have one.

I for one will automatically tell any child off if they are doing something that is likely to damage or hurt me, my children or any of my property - whether that be within my home or out of it.

If I see a child being naughty but not affecting any of the above, I usually give them a 'paddington bear stare' but don't say anything. That normally works!

fluffylegs · 17/12/2011 15:02

Sothisischristmas I think I feel that because her ds is older she knows what she is doing. And Im glad I didn't react in this particular situation more because I was getting very angry and protective inside and I might not have been calm when telling him off! I think this boy is very pfb and gets away with murder. Anyway...

nativitywreck · 17/12/2011 15:15

I do tell off other peoples kids, but in a gentler way than I would tell off my own!
I do have friend who comes over sometimes with her ds, and she does have a tendency to chatise my ds a lot, and in a bit of a harsh way imo.
The thing is, she rarely tells off her own ds for things that I think are unacceptable, but will pull up my ds for the slightest thing.
I always end up feeling guilty because I don't stick up for ds but sometimes feel that she is unfair.
I think the problem really is that our kids are very different, and she doesn't really like mine very much.(I can tell)

We also have pretty different rules about certain things:
When they come to my house I always give the kids a snack, but I expect them to eat it at the table.
Ds does this, but her son (4) always wanders off into the living room with his, and I end up finding half chewed soggy bits of bread trodden into the carpet.
I am a sort of eat your greens, bedtime is sacrosanct,put the baby to sleep in a cot person, and she is co-sleeping, pizza is a food group, no fixed bedtime person, so maybe we are not always on the same page parenting-wise.

Its a mine field!

Hopefully · 17/12/2011 15:20

I never used to (DS1 is 3), but have recently started to if behaviour is really unacceptable and DS is in the vicinity/directly affected. This is mostly because I (a) don't want him to think it's ok to behave a certain way because another kid is and (b) want him to learn I will stand up for him (and it is ok to stand up for himself) if, eg, another kid is snatching a toy from him.

bagelmonkey · 17/12/2011 15:22

I hope that other people will (gently) tell off my DD should the need arise and that I will not take it personally. However, she's only 10 months at the moment, so she's getting away with almost anything. Maybe I'll find it hard to take. I hope not.

Nancy66 · 17/12/2011 15:25

Yes. I give the mother a good couple of chances to step in and do something if she doesn't then I will speak up.
That goes for kids I know and strangers

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 17/12/2011 15:25

I tell off other peoples children if they are doing something to/around me or my child/children in my care that I do not like and especially if they are doing something that I would not permit any child to do in my home.

My home, my rules.

I would tell my friend that in no uncertain terms and also say that if the situation were reversed I would expect her to discipline my child too. She didn't notice, you did, it is your home therefore your right to call it when you see it. If it was something more naughty (i.e. inappropriate language/behaviour) then I would discuss it with the parent and get them to speak to their child about it once I had told them to stop/not to do it in my house. If she wasn't there would she expect you to phone her to discipline her son?

Yankeecandlequeen · 17/12/2011 15:29

Yes I tell other people's kids off. If they come to my house they are expected to behave like my kids. I'm not saying mine are angels - they're far from it - but if they touch my TV screen they get told off so I'd do the same for other kids.

Last week my cousin was over with her 2 yr old & he saw Fireman Sam on TV, ran to the TV & started banging it & shouting "sam sam sam"!! Fuck me I had a heart attack! Cousing didn;t say anything to him so I had to pick him up & nicely say "don't ever touch that again"

Yankeecandlequeen · 17/12/2011 15:29

Oh & what pisses me off is in her house she has a fireguard round the TV yet fails to tell him off in mine!

Eggrules · 17/12/2011 15:35

I don't tell them off but so say in 'our house the rule is xyz, please stop that'. If they still don't listen I ask his parents to intervene. If they don't I remove object/ put toy away/ turn TV off etc.

One of my DS's friends is completely undisciplined and his parents never intervene. He refuses to eat meals and wants chocolate. I tell him to leave what he doesn't want and don't offer sweets. If things have gone wrong in the past, I also welcome and then say what I expect straight away - 'We have put lots toys in the front room, please don't get any more out'.

I would prefer if he came alone as I would treat him and my DS the same.

mousysantamouse · 17/12/2011 15:36

oh, yes.
your friend is being vu.

CheerfulYank · 17/12/2011 15:50

I do, yep.

antsypants · 17/12/2011 15:58

I guess for me it would all depend on the tone, if one of my friends told my DD off for something that I didn't see and they weren't being intimidating or shouting, then I wouldn't be bothered, it is a valuable lesson, even at two years old... Especially given that a child will spend over a decade being told what to do by many different people when they are at school.

startail · 17/12/2011 16:00

Yes!
And I'm very very judged about parents (and the child's) reaction to me doing so.
Parents who think only they have the right to discipline their DCs seem to be the ones who don't bother.
DD has a friend who's always welcome, despite being a bit cheeky because she doesn't take offence to being told when she's pushed it too far.

SilkStalkings · 17/12/2011 16:06

Yes I do and would expect other parents to do the same with my children. Different homes have different rules, kids don't find out until they break one - it's not even telling off imo, it's just explaining things as they come up, no need for anyone to feel ashamed.

I try never to call any child 'bad' or 'naughty' (yes, this Santa's naughty list business does my head in!) so if someone said it to one of mine I might have a word explaining why I'd rather they didn't.

samandi · 17/12/2011 16:16

If they are in my house, then yes. Although I'd tell them politely first.