do you tell off other people's kids?

[MistyMountainHop]

the other week i told my good friends 4 YO off for bouncing repeatedly on my sofa, i didn't shout, but i told him quite firmly to pack it in. my friend was on my laptop so didn't notice what he was doing. my dc are not allowed to do that, and don't, so why should other people's?

she texted me later on saying she was really upset that i told him off, and she didnt want me to ever tell him off again.

i was a bit hurt but then thought about it for a bit, and realised that none of my friends have had the need to tell my kids off yet and maybe if they did i too would be hurt / pissed off / both, i dunno

whats other people's stance on this?

All probably been said before, but I would also not have any problem with anyone telling my DD off (firmly, kindly, and without the need to shout of course) if she is being naughty or unreasonable.
After all, we allow teachers at their school/nursery to do the same, don't we?
I love gabid's saying - very true!
In order to grow into adults who show other people and their stuff some respect, kids need to be told the same thing by many different adults - all singing from the same hymn sheet, or however that particular saying goes :)
YANBU for telling them off at all.
If she reacted badly then it's possibly because she deep down knew she shouldn't have been letting them do that in the first place!

I think the friend was inconsiderate to have let her ds jump on your sofa, she should have told him to stop herself and not left it to you.
I do tell off friends' dc if they are misbehaving or breaking rules in my house, albeit more gently than I would be own dc. If their parents are there, I wouldn't usually need to because they'd step in first.

OP, friend sounds a right PFB-type.. but she's obviously a close friend so you have to repect her wishes I suppose. From now on if her dc is misbehaving in your house, you'll have to ask her to deal with him herself, don't let her sit there ignoring his behaviour.

I would if the parents aren't there. If parent was there I'd say something pointedly (possibly through clenched teeth) without telling the child off. Was at a party in a large church hall yesterday and the same child who had punched my DS at a previous party pushed him over. His parents are of the ineffectual 'X that's not kind' (spoken in soft gentle tones) school of parenting so he gets away with everything. Gets my back up. So yesterday I glared at him whilst saying to DS (loud enough for all the kids to hear) something along the lines of 'If someone's being mean to you, you don't need to play with them' His parents were there, looking and doing nothing as usual. Grrr. I would want someone else to correct my child if they were being a pain and I hadn't noticed.

I find that parents who make a habit of telling off other people's children tend to (a) fail to reprimand their own little darlings, and (b) get rather annoyed if someone tells off their child.

Unless a child is doing something which could either harm themselves or someone else I leave discipline to the person in charge of them.

Yanbu at all, in that case she should have had her eyes on him instead of at the laptop and should have intervened, I would have no hesitation in telling her this. No wonder some children are so spoiled when the little princes and princesses can do no wrong. I have told other children off, where the parent was not present or did not 'notice', and have never got that reaction, similarly I would have problem with somebody else telling my dd off if they saw her being naughty.

jeee what if the parent is not doing anything . My friends ds was hitting and teasing dd and she did not intervene and I took it upon myself to tell him not to hit as it was not nice and made him give the toy back that he snatched off dd and was teasing her with (she has SN so her understanding is not all that great). I Think it would help children if others did tell them off if they misbehaved.

yanbu, I would have told him off

I have also whispered threats into the ears of aggressive children at soft play

Thank heavens for all the sensible people on this thread. Every now and again there's a thread where someone is outraged that another adult has dared to tell off their badly behaved brat and insists that they are the only ones ever allowed to say 'darling sweetikins, would you possibly think about not stamping on that cat' or something of that nature. Astonishingly a. precious and b. stupid. I always think, that poor kid is riding for such a fall when they realise not everyone else in the world thinks hitting/kicking/grabbing is ever so endearing.

It smarts a bit when dc told off by someone else, but I'd expect it to happen if needed. However, I would hope that I would have done it myself already. If in sole charge, I'd do it happily, probably with lower standards expected because guest not familiar with house rules. Softplay and toddler groups are another case. If parent not present, because they're chatting or chilling, fine but I reserve the right to make play fair for all (ie stick up for my child!). But I would be happy for another parent to do the same if my eye was off the ball for a minute while I got a coffee or looked after my baby. I actually quite like dc hearing same words from someone else. If I'm there, I'd prefer the first call to be to me to do something. The situation you describe would not arise-I feel uncomfortable with sofa bouncing even when they're invited to! Thinking about it-I've never disciplined a friend's child (apart from stating the rules "oh, x, our sofa's a bit delicate for bouncing on, sorry") as they would read the signals and step in way before that point. Hth! Bit waffly-yanbu!

YANBU and I would tell her so(calmly and politely). Some parents think they can control their DCs entire environment. It isn't good for the DC, they can end up thinking that 'you are not my mummy, you can't tell me off'-which is utter rubbish!

pigletmania, maybe I'm a coward, but if another child thumps one of mine (and it happens), I simply remove my child from the situation. It avoids any chance of confrontation.

I can only think of one time I've told off someone else's kid - a boy rushed out from school to inform me DS's name had been moved from sunny to cloudy. I told him he was telling tales.

YANBU! why anyone would want to raise a child that ONLY respects their parents is beyond me, I cuddle other people's kids if they fall on front of me and I tell them off if they hurt someone or are destructive on front of me.

And to the person who does not tell children off if they HURT your child on front of you, what an awful message to sent your child, they should NOT have to accept being physically hurt, what do you think you are telling them by letting them see you witnessing it and doing nothing?

Btw, I've never had a problem with a friend having children who misbehave. I have stopped seeing a couple of people whose children misbehave repeatedly with consequence to my children (eg hitting, nastiness) and with no proper consequence to them.
Also there's a difference between actually telling off another child and simply saying I'd rather you didn't do that. Bouncing on the sofa if you're allowed to at home is not being misbehaving. Doing it once an adult has told you not to is.

Ooh-and whilst the physical hurt (hitting, biting) etc does trump whatever caused that child to do it, it's a bugbear of mine that often at toddler level, a child can be really needling at another one and no parent intervention (eg repeatedly taking toys but as soon as the first child's patience runs out and they hit or whatever, said parent swoops in. Both sides have got to learn appropriate behaviour, even though a dimmer view must be taken of physical aggression. And breathe!

molehill I agree, most kids go through horrible stages, I don't mind that, I do mind if it's not addressed. Its a deal breaker for me, I will do the telling off on their behalf but get annoyed that I have to so will stop inviting if it continues

jee kids have to be told, its up to us as a community to uphold discipline in our children , it makes me when I see parents do nothing and stand back, they are not doing their children any favours, as mummy and daddy will not be there all the time to back them up.

Yanbu she is. If she doesn't want people to ever tell her children to behave then she should keep a closer eye on them.

oh yes.

If they are in my care (eg a 'playdate') then I'll tell them off.

If they are with their parent and doing something that affects me and the parent is sat there like a twat, just watching them do it, I'll tell them off. And god help the parent who turns round and tries to tell me about it, because the gobful they will get will turn their hair white. If they don't act when little jonny is kicking the back of my seat, or jumping over my furniture, or throwing sugar around the kitchen and I have to do it and they then have the nerve to get arsy about it - I'll tear them a new one and tell them exactly what I think of their parenting to boot.

It's a sad state of affairs if you have to actually tell another adult to not allow their child to pull your wallpaper off or flush the cat down the loo.

(If the parent was there but didn't see it, then I'd ask the parent to deal with it. But if they just sat there and watched, then I'd tell the child off myself, cos clearly they're too useless to do it.)

I have told other people's children off before however, I would only do it if they were doing something that I considered to be really naughty or dangerous. I would be mega firm because I would feel that they deserved it. Offences would be stealing toys or hitting. I would never tell a child off for something that I feel would be a difference of style - that is just dangerous territory. Equally, I would want people to be the same with my children (because I have two with very small age gap) - it is really hard to keep an eye on them and I would want people to reinforce the rules that I am trying to teach them.

I do think some parents are creating a nightmare not only for themselves but for their children. If other people aren't allowed to tell their children off then where does their respect of authority and other adults come from?

I am pg and the same kid (4.7 years) hit me on my stomach, I did tell him that hitting was not very nice, and his mum did intervene and got him to apologise to me.

BTW the excuse that jumping on the sofa may be allowed in the childs house doesn't wash with me at all, in other people's houses you repect THEIR rules, if their kids arent allowed to climb on the sofa then neither is mine (but he is at home). He has had no problem grasping that you adjust your behaviour in different places/situation. Church/cinema/restraunt is not the DS show! I think those mums that don't think their children can follow different rules in different places don't give their children enough credit!

Absolutely, reduce, but I do give the benefit of stating the rules first if it's not something that is outlawed in all homes. I assume that hurting or being mean to another child is universally unacceptable, drawing on walls and throwing food likewise. In my experience, some homes allow sofa and bed jumping while others, tight old meanies like me, don't!

Oh and if I hear a rule when I'm at a friend's house that dc aren't familiar with, it's likely that the first reminder they would hear would be from me. Perhaps that's why I smart when others tell mine off-I'm embarrassed I didn't get in first and that someone else has needed to-not that dc has been told off.

I think the tone of voice used in tellin off is really important, if it was too curt or harsh then as a mother I would be annoyed. Firstly he should have been asked to stop what he was doin, and only if he refused to stop should he have been 'told off'. I don't mind people reprimandin my kids but only in proportion to the wron6 done and only fairly. Kids shouldn't be caused undue upset if it can be avoided.

YANBU at all to tell them off. You don't have to give them a screaming bollocking, just a firm reminder of what's acceptable. It's odd and confusing for your own DC if your own house rules get waived for their guests and not them.

Even if we're out as a group, I find it hard to ignore unchallenged bad behaviour from other people's kids. For example, on the way home from school the other day DS1's friend picked up a handful of gravel from someone's front garden and chucked it all over a row of parked cars. NOT acceptable. His dad saw and ignored it and muttered something like 'Come on, let's get home, X'. X did it again.

So I gave him a talking to. And got a catsbumface from the dad. Not that I care.