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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

do you tell off other people's kids?

120 replies

MistyMountainHop · 17/12/2011 12:17

the other week i told my good friends 4 YO off for bouncing repeatedly on my sofa, i didn't shout, but i told him quite firmly to pack it in. my friend was on my laptop so didn't notice what he was doing. my dc are not allowed to do that, and don't, so why should other people's?

she texted me later on saying she was really upset that i told him off, and she didnt want me to ever tell him off again.

i was a bit hurt but then thought about it for a bit, and realised that none of my friends have had the need to tell my kids off yet and maybe if they did i too would be hurt / pissed off / both, i dunno

whats other people's stance on this?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 17/12/2011 23:04

No, I don't in general, though I once told a little boy to stop calling the little girl that was playing near him a "bitch" Shock they were all of about 7. I do make my grown up presence felt though for things like queues for the curly slide at the park or any of the other "cool" activities, in a "come on lets queue nicely" kind of way. I only do this till MY kids have had their turns though and then slope off Grin.

sashh · 18/12/2011 09:55

Your house your rules.

If she doesn't want you to tell him off them she needs to teach him to behave

LeQueen · 18/12/2011 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkinginthebackground · 18/12/2011 10:35

I think it depends on how you tell them off eg a low voice stop bouncing on my sofa, you might break it followed by a smile is fine.
I do think your friend is out of order. Is her child at school yet? what on earth is she going to do when her precious angel gets a telling off then?
I used to let things go but now I step straight in, probably because I don't give a flying f* what other parents think of me.
I once told off a neighbours kid for punching my dd. He was older and my dd had done absolutely nothing to warrant it (confirmed by evey other child who was there). I stayed on my doorstep whilst i had a firm word with him as I didn't trust myself if i went near to him!
Neighbour came round and said I shouldn't have done it. I asked her what she thought I should have done seeing as though when her own dd, the boys sister, tried to tell her she wouldn't even open the door!
Ended acromoniously but I would do the same agian.
It's a pity but I wouldn't want your friend in my home with a child who cannot behave.

imaginethat · 18/12/2011 10:49

i am interested to know what happens next... i.e. how the friendship goes.

the 4yo probably thought nothing of it but you & she are now feeling a bit unhappy.

i definitely do reprimand other people's children but v. gently ("not on the sofa darling" sort of thing) but i would never text a friend to complain if if felt they had been overly harsh. i would probably just feel hurt and not say anything/avoid playdates for a bit. So i think she's got a bit of a cheek. And I think it would have been better if she had told you in person rather than by text.

What is the background to your friendship? Is it even or does she tend to get her way?

Once, when our children were 2, I was busy getting friend's tea when I heard her reprimand mine for a misdemeanour (snatching). She made my dd kiss his feet by way of apology.

I was so gob-smacked/chicken I said nothing, but they have never been to our place again. And even thinking about it now makes me feel regretful that I didn't stick up my dd at the time.

ChristinedePizaTinsel · 18/12/2011 12:21

She made your 2YO DD kiss her 2YO DS's feet as a punishment for snatching??? Xmas Shock

Christ, that's really weird.

OrwellianNightmare · 18/12/2011 13:19

I think even Christ would have thought it weird too. Very bizarre choice of punishment, not that a 2yr old needs punishing.

Original poster
MistyMountainHop · 18/12/2011 14:00

*Yep, other people's kids would get the Cool Stare and the Cool Voice...and chances are if they didn't listen, then I would avoid inviting them around again.

Life's too short to put up with badly behaved children*

i knew you would pop up on this thread LeQ! :o

OP posts:
mammanetta · 21/12/2011 23:53

:( well sod'em all BlackBob I'd stick up for you!

festi · 22/12/2011 00:11

I think she text you because she realised that her parenting is not great and was being passive agressive, you see my dd at 4 would not be jumping on someone elses sofa, she would know that isnt acceptable as I would think most 4 year olds woulds.

I have a friend whos dd is the same age as mine and is wild beyone comprehension, because she isnt disciplined or have what is expected of her made clear. I do tell her off and set my rules very clear, her mother will deliberatly be laqcks with her oparenting to see how far I go, she will then sulk for a bit and nmot make contact and then make some snide comment about what previously happened. I have got to a point now I will avoid seeing them at my house, will make arrangements at the park, her house or on a walk. I no longer activly invite them round for dinner etc or go shopping together because its just not worth the whole drama afterwards. Im interested to see where this will go for yoy and yor friend op as Im at the point now when they next come around sayimg the dcs are not allowed in dds bedroom as the last time her ds case was thrown from the bedroom window (yes irt has a lock opens abot 2 inches), her dd trashed both dds room opened every box and tipped every toy out, and my room untill dd came and told me she was in my room and was upset she has tipped all her toys out. INMO 2 five year olds should be able to play without one running riot. I know my friend will take umbridge about the beroom ban.

nicknamenotinuse · 22/12/2011 07:07

I would have done the same. My children are not allowed to jump on my sofa's so if I just allow other peoples children to do so then that is sending out the wrong message. I'd have told him or her to stop doing it. Your friend should have been apologising to you that her child just thought it was ok to jump on your furniture. Your friend is the one at fault here, not you. Your house, your rules and if your friend doesn't like it, she can take her son and he can jump away merrily on her furniture and wreck it.

hester · 22/12/2011 07:49

I tell off other people's dc ALL THE TIME. It's my specialty.

Well, it gets a bit boring just shouting at your own, doesn't it?

hairytaleofnewyork · 22/12/2011 07:56

If im looking after them for their parent then yes. I have once recently at the pool - one girl was throwing a tantrum at her sister and they were wildly kicking - I am pregnant - so I said "if you are upset then please get out of the pool and go and calm down".

They looked a bit [shock. But did settle down.

jandymaccomesback · 22/12/2011 08:08

Sorry, but if I'd been in her shoes I'd have been apologising to you OP.

headinhands · 22/12/2011 08:22

Surely this is the quintessential mn thread. No one here has children who ever misbehave but who have friends with lo's who are 'violent' at a mere 24 months. Oh, and all Mnetters are apoplectic with rage at the thought of a child ever misbehaving anywhere. Rolls eyes

jandymaccomesback · 22/12/2011 08:28

headinhandsActually my DS2 has Aspergers and when he was younger I spent most of my life apologising for his behaviour.

LisaD1 · 22/12/2011 08:43

My friends and I would think nothing of telling each others child off if they did something inappropriate and the parent didn't see it.

My children are generally well behaved but they all have their moments and I don't have eyes in the back of my head so don't always see it. Have no issue with intervention from other adult in that case.

Slilou · 22/12/2011 08:49

i agree with who ever suggested saying "we dont jump on furniture in this house". somehow more acceptable than bellowing "Oi, pack it in!"Grin

a friend of dd's was dangling / throwing stringy threads of cheese from her pizza the other day, which prompted " eat nicely please, R" from me. my own kids wouldve got a real lecture on table manners Grin

you know, when a younger guest is badly behaved, i can almost read dd1's mind (she's nearly 10) who totally gets the difficulty of disciplining other peoples' kids. its as if she's saying " mum, howre you gonna deal with this without upsetting someone else's child- tricky one!"

festi · 22/12/2011 09:57

headinhands you would think that reading this thread yes. so just to add I also have friends and family who will tell my dd off and Im fine with that too.

I would also not be offended or angry if someone else told my dd off for something I otherwise would tolerate or accept or thought minor, unless they particularly unkind or vile to her but I have never experienced that. people have their own standards and rules and I would accept that. It is never worth falling out over minor misunderstandings or disagreements over children.

TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 22/12/2011 10:15

Yes I do sometimes, only if I'm sure that their parents would be telling them off if they could see what they were doing or if they are breaking a house rule of mine in my house.

I don't mind if anyone else tells DD off either.

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