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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

do you tell off other people's kids?

120 replies

MistyMountainHop · 17/12/2011 12:17

the other week i told my good friends 4 YO off for bouncing repeatedly on my sofa, i didn't shout, but i told him quite firmly to pack it in. my friend was on my laptop so didn't notice what he was doing. my dc are not allowed to do that, and don't, so why should other people's?

she texted me later on saying she was really upset that i told him off, and she didnt want me to ever tell him off again.

i was a bit hurt but then thought about it for a bit, and realised that none of my friends have had the need to tell my kids off yet and maybe if they did i too would be hurt / pissed off / both, i dunno

whats other people's stance on this?

OP posts:

mammanetta · 17/12/2011 19:49

Exactly herbietea!
jeee I don't think that if your child is being hit, just removing them from the scene is sending out the right message to the child who is doing the hitting - kids need to learn some boundaries and your own child needs to know that having being hit is going to carry a consequence for the perpetrator!
My DH's parents always had the same approach as yours (and later on when he was at school always encouraged him to walk away if a child hit him) and he had the crap beaten out of him at school, as well as being bullied, for years.
Oh and good for you, MissBetsy...I admire your nerve :)

mammanetta · 17/12/2011 19:52

oh and btw jeee by the time the other kid has hit your child, the confrontation has already occurred...agree 100% with pigletmania - you won't always be there to remove your child and protect him/her...then what?

PsecretPsanta · 17/12/2011 19:55

I usually say a firm 'darling, NO' accompanied by A Look if other people's children are being naughty, and follow it up with a 'well done' or 'good' or whatever when they are acting nicely again. Obviously only if the child's mother ir father is not there in that particular moment.

I once shouted at my daughter's friend from across the room when I noticed she was making a jolly good attempt at gouging my daughter's eyes out. She is that bit older and treats my daughter like a punching bag at times. I apologised to the child and the mother for shouting as soon as I had checked my daughter was fine. It was not a problem.

rockinhippy · 17/12/2011 19:55

Depends on the situation, but if they are with us & behaving in a way I wouldn't let DD & she's there - hell YES

rockinhippy · 17/12/2011 19:57

just read you whole post - your friends being an arse - YOUR house - YOUR rules - if she's not going to control her kids & stop them wrecking your sofa, then she has no right to be upset with you for doing HER job for her

tell her to get stuffed if she doesn't like it

thebigkahuna · 17/12/2011 19:59

Oooh, this has touched a nerve!

I was at my friends house in the week and her 2 year old kept chucking a toy car at my three year olds head. I thought his Mum hadn't noticed at first but she saw me intervene a couple of times and take the car off him and ask him to play nicely with it on the floor.

Then he walloped her again and DD came over crying and said quite clearly in front of her that her DS had whacked her with the toy car and she just kind of said "oh dear, that's naughty DS" while my DD was crying her eyes out. Then she said "oh dear, your DD is very upset, that must be because she's just had her pre school injections".

Um, no, it's because your kid hurt her.

I'm zero tolerance when it comes to my kids being violent and DD would have been disciplined for that and made to apologise. All the way home in the car she kept saying "why did X's DS hit me with the car?"

I wish I'd have told him off now and will do in future.

happydotcom · 17/12/2011 19:59

I told my friend's DS 3.5yrs off for doing the same thing. He then had a massive tantrum , his father yelled at him to stop crying then his mother gave him a sweet when he calmed down - for being a good boy and stopping crying!!
WTF??
They haven't come round since.

londonlottie · 17/12/2011 20:03

You see, Psecretsanta - I think it's a bit sad that you felt you had to apologise when it looked like another child was gouging your daughter's eye out. And why can you only say 'Darling, NO' when the parent isn't there at that moment? If one of my daughters' friends are doing something I don't like I will tell them off! Albeit nicely but firmly, I will ask them to stop doing whatever. Luckily at the moment there must be some sort of extra 'cache' to being told off by someone other than your mother because when I tell them off, they do what they're told unlike my own toddlers

I am forever trying to gauge what my children do at other people's houses and work out whether to stop them doing it, because often I can tell my friends are too shy to tell my kids to stop bouncing on the sofa/whatever. It's a minefield!

PsecretPsanta · 17/12/2011 20:12

Londonlottie, I find that 'darling, NO' works all the time!

I apologised because I really shreiked and flew at the two of them to separate them. My DD was 18 months, the other child was 2, so it gave them both a fright.

PrincessScrumpy · 17/12/2011 20:26

At dd's nursery Christmas party parents and older siblings were able to join the end bit when Father Christmas came and gave out gifts. It was in the school hall next to the nursery and there was a climbing frame up on the wall for pe lessons. All the nursery kids were being cared for by the staff but a lot of parents were happy for the older siblings to run riot. I was horrified by the lack of parenting and did step in when 4 boys were climbing the frame to the top. I politely said "boys, I'm not sure that's a good idea - I think you need to get down." They all did so clearly were nice kids (not at all gobby etc) but I was concerned I might offend a parent... then I realised no-one was watching them anyway!

I'm not a shouty mum but would tell any child off if they were in my home - but then my friends and I have similar ways of parenting. I too would expect them to do the same with my dd if she misbehaved. I wouldn't want them to shout at her though.

AmazingBouncingJesus · 17/12/2011 20:30

Why is it such taboo to tell off other peoples children nowadays?
When I was younger my friends parents wouldnt think twice to tell me off and the same goes for my parents with my friends, I can still remember the bollocking my mate got for rolling a giant marble down the stairs and breaking the front door window... ahh good times!

I quite easily tell children off and also find in places such as hell softplay a menacing "I dont want you to do that" matched with a steely glare works very well.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 17/12/2011 20:34

Ha Bouncing I usually go for "I can see you", and matched with a steely glare, also works

Pozzled · 17/12/2011 20:44

I have two really good friends with kids the same age as mine. One reason they're good friends is that we're really comfortable around each other's kids, and all of us will happily tell each other's children off. The children know we have very similar standards and they won't get away with something just because their mother is not in the room.

With other children I would still say something if it affected my house or someone was being hurt. Anything else I would probably leave, or ask the child if their parents let them do x. (I find that they usually stop and think even if they don't always tell the truth).

mammanetta · 17/12/2011 20:45

@ bouncing and ThatsNotSantas*'s steely glare.
master of the steely glare filthy look me.

BlackBobBorderBinLiner · 17/12/2011 21:01

Please, please tell my children off, it generally reinforces my rules and stops me being the only miserable adult around.

Please feel free to tell your own kids off in front of me, I will not think you are 'making a scene' I'll just respect you for doing a bit of parenting rather then trying to be your little darling's friend.

DD's 4year old best friend can repeatedly say - your not my friend/I don't like your dress/I don't want to play with you in front of me and her own mother without any response. The mother just turns to me and shrugs, raises an eyebrow and says 'they're dreadful at this age are n't they'. I tell my kids off and talk to them about other peoples feelings, am I the only on to think that's what you do?

YANBU and please can my kids play at your house.

forehead · 17/12/2011 21:06

I want people to tell my dcs off if they are misbehaving.
I was in a soft play centre a few weeks ago. My six year old ds was running around in the toddler area which upset some of the parents. One of the parents reprimanded my son. When i found out what my son had done, i asked him to apologise. The woman who had reprimanded my son came over to me and thanked me for my support.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 21:10

Yes I do especially if their in my house

Of their parents are their I will ask them to correct their child

And if they can't get their child to behave they have to leave them at home when they vist I won't hVe children running wild in my home

I also expect my children to be on best behaviour when visiting and if they get told off they will have to lump it

eatyourveg · 17/12/2011 21:13

YANBU your house your rules. Thats how I go about things and if we happen to be somewhere else and I'm the adult who notices something inappropriate, my rules apply. I take the view that had the parent seen the behaviour they would ( I hope) have addressed it. What I expect from my dc, I expect from any other child

MissBetsyTrotwood · 17/12/2011 21:18

Another demand here for telling my kids off. Please do it. Unless you are my FIL shouting at them for touching a door of his BMW blah blah series with slightly sticky fingers.

skybluepearl · 17/12/2011 21:27

I always tell other peoples kids off - and my own. I do it fairly, calmly and firmly - as I would do with my own. I have even been known to to time out on other peoples kids - as i would do my own. It has never come back and bitten me on the bum! My friends have always appreciated the support and sometimes they even ask me to discipline when they have no enegy. For all the telling off I do, I also use distraction but actually spend most of my time having fun with the kids. We have a positive relationship and they are great kids.

The way I see your situation is that your friend didn't take charge and so you had to. I would expect you to have words with my boys if they were jumping around on your sofa.

Motherofhobbit · 17/12/2011 21:39

YANBU.
It's her responsibility to make sure her child behaves appropriately in your house (or as at least tries to make him behave appropriately). If she doesn't do it, it's perfectly reasonable for you to do so.
I would have no problem with someone telling off mine if he was behaving badly as long as it was done appropriately. (e.g. firmly but no shouting etc).
However, I know people are really sensitive about this sort of thing so I don't really do it with other people's children unless unavoidable.

mammanetta · 17/12/2011 21:42

BlackBob no you are most definitely not the only one who thinks that's what you do!

BlackBobBorderBinLiner · 17/12/2011 21:53

Mammanetta it just felt like it this afternoon, I've had a week were I've been the bad guy refusing 4 year old friends requests for yet more sweets and crisps and telling (not asking) them to play nicely.

I also constantly use the reminder of rules combined with distraction tactic. Sadly other peoples kids have learnt that my distractions involve throwing a stick for the dog or getting the marble run out rather then the sweetie jar.

exoticfruits · 17/12/2011 22:42

What a refreshing thread-where all all these people who think 'my DC-my rules, where ever they happen to be'?

IMO it takes a village to raise a child and we would be so much better off if everyone felt able to tell off someone else's DC.

OrwellianNightmare · 17/12/2011 22:46

Absolutely. I am a reasonable and soft-hearted person, not a dragon at all, and know how to firmly but fairly tell a naughty child off. I would expect the same from any other adult in my social circle. I would also tell strange children off in certain situations (say the park, if they were doing something that affected my kids, other people, public property...)

Not telling other people's kids off when they are young leads to people not telling young teens off who are doing naughty stuff, which leads to people being scared of older teens and ultimately contributes to the disintegration of society. Phew!

As someone said upthread, the saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' springs to mind.

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