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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

338 replies

MaybeParanoid · 16/12/2011 23:17

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

OP posts:
handmedownqueen · 17/12/2011 14:35

This is a thread with some pretty extreme views! I have bipolar (never been in hospital,am a married mum of four and work full time
In terms of sleepovers its Ok not to feel comfortable.all one can do as a parent is make a judgementandif the woman had recently been in hospital for a change of medication for a physical condition it would b reasonable to say 'do u feel up to it' so why's this any different?at different phases of my illness I can get a bit overambitious with my plans or have to cut down a bit - the trick for me is recognising this and its not always easy.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 14:36

You're wrong in what you think has been the gist of the thread (especially as you've said you haven't read it) thisis.

Nobody's said she's pathetic or unable to care for hers or the OPs children just because she's had a stint in a psychiatric ward.

The OP does have valid and legitimate concerns about leaving her children with someone who she's unable to assess because of an unseen mental health issue which she knows no details of.

The mum can want to do something all she likes, but the OP shouldn't feel obliged to go along with that just because it might be good for the woman and she doesn't want to discriminate against the woman because of her illness.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 14:36

mmelindor... you know your SIL. great. that's good for you and for youe family.

you do not know this other woman, and thus cannot really comment on her ability, or lack of, to care for her children or anyone elses.

that's a bit like saying "when I gave birth I needed no stitches. thus no-one who gives birth needs stitches"

who are you, or anyone else on here (including me) to say how stable the person is? do you think that she would have offered to have the kids if she

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 14:37

Well when she gets to know her, she will be able to see what kind of a person the woman is this

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 14:37

"perceptionreality Sat 17-Dec-11 14:34:31
I have to say that, this kind of thing is precisiely the reason why I never reveal my previous mental health issues to anyone who doesn't already know."

ditto!

agent, i have read the thread now, and I still stand by what I've said. The overwhelming majority feel that this woman they have never met, whose problems they have no idea of, cannot possibly be trusted to look after children because she was in hospital a fortnight ago

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 14:38

"valiumredhead Sat 17-Dec-11 14:37:38
Well when she gets to know her, she will be able to see what kind of a person the woman is this"

absolutely. and had she posted "aibu to say no to a sleepover because I don't know the mother very well"
i don't think anyone would have disagreed with her.

valiumredhead · 17/12/2011 14:39

I wouldn't trust anyone I don't know with my child, MH issues or no MH issues. The point is the OP is going to make an effort to find out more and take it from there.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 14:41

TIS
That is my point. If the OP gets to know the woman, meets her a couple of times and says, "DD talked about a sleepover, but I know from your DD that you have recently been in hospital and wanted to ensure that it would not be too much for you" - then she will be happier with the plan.

Since she does not know the Mum, she cannot blindly allow the sleepover in the hope that the mum is stable at the moment.

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 14:44

That is not quite true though, Perception and TIS.

Several people have said that if the mum had been in hospital for any other reason that they would have been concerned that the sleepover might be too much for her.

I know plenty of people wth MH issues and would entrust my children to them but I KNOW them.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 14:44

Exactly some people with or without mental health issues are capable/incapable of looking after children adequately. People citing personal examples have no more credibility than me saying that my uncle is a sex offender so no child should ever stay with their uncle (my uncle isn't a sex offender by the way). For every example on here of a person with mh issues who has been incapable of caring for children there will be many more examples of those who have been/are capable of doing just that. Also I think most people know a fair few people with no known mental health problems who you wouldn't entrust your children to.
thisisyesterday - it is sad you feel you have to hide your scars due to predjudice. I am fairly open about my past - I find it separates the wheat from the chaff. And a surprising number of parents have confided in me about struggles they have had in return.
The op has invited the criticism on this thread imo by suggesting that the little information she has indicates her child may not be safe in this womans care - that is predjudice pure and simple.

GemmaBear · 17/12/2011 14:45

I'm with Yourefired and Liluri and have sat in both camps - being ill and being in charge of my kids, and having anther's there while recovering. As a mum I would say go with your instinct. You have eloquently expressed a considered, thought-out argument and still your gut is telling you sthg. Listen to it! I once at 14 had to intercept my older sister from trying to kill my mum with a drug-filled drink she'd made for her. 14 was too young and IMO, 11 is too on the off chance sthg does happen and they feel out of their depth. Best of luck with what you decide x

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2011 14:45

As handmedownqueen's post shows most illnesses are on a spectrum. HMDQ you sound like your bipolar is stable and so does not have a significant day to day impact on you. My exSIL bipolar was unstable and hard to control and did have a significant day to day impact. I would be happy for you to host a sleepover for my kids but I would be less happy for my SIL to do so.

I know people with diabetes who are stable, drive, do sport etc I know someone else with diabetes who is unstable, struggles to control their blood sugar, is being investigated for unexplained hypos etc who is not safe to drive, can't do sport. I would get in a car with the former driving but not the latter.

Hardgoing · 17/12/2011 14:46

thisisyesterday, from what the OP said, the lady in question has only recently come out of hospital two weeks ago (which as you know, is quite hard to get into these days) and has been in and out quite a bit according to the child, who knows why his mum 'goes away'. That sounds at least like it has the potential for instability to me, and without another adult around to know when to judge any need for help, it's a bit more responsibility for the children really.

I also think the OP is not keeping a 'hands off' approach, she has the son round to stay a lot and he goes over there in the daytime. I am not mad on sleepovers for lots of reasons, mainly my bad experiences as a child at a 'lovely' family's house. I personally find trying to judge other people's households (desirability of friends/relations passing through, parental issues like drinking) too stressful. It depends on the age, though, if the child is 15, it may be very different than if they are 10.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 14:47

roman i think the problem is that it now affects my kids. and I would feel so sad if any of them were missing out on playdates or playing in general with children they really like simply because they have ignorant parents.
I don't care if people dislike me, but it matters when it affects the kids,

so i hide it, because it's easier that way I suppose. it's a lose-lose situation!

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 14:48

The OP posted:

I'm a bit surprised I'm trying to find excuses though. I've always just felt that following my instinct where my DCs are concerned is enough but this feels mean and judgemental one moment and right the next.

She is fully aware how this might appear and is trying to be fair to the other mum.

Her first few posts were all about the mum perhaps not coping. She did not mention danger to her daughter.

Vicky2011 · 17/12/2011 14:51

I think in reality you simply don't know this woman well enough to make a judgement and I would say the same if this was someone where you had no reason to think there was any specific cause for concern. I would want to know the other parents reasonably well, even with an 11 year old, for a sleepover.

So on this basis I would probably say no anyway. However, in this specific case you do have reason for specific concern. If I have understood correctly, the father is the main carer for the child and Mum sees him at weekends. She has also recently been in hospital. Sadly I know only too well that you have to be really quite ill to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital, even for a fairly short time. On this basis then I'm afraid there does seem to be some serious instability there and I just wouldn't take the risk. I have a close relative who has MH problems but has never been in hospital (despite begging to be admitted on a number of occasions) and I never leave DS (7, not 11 in fairness) with her.

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 14:55

You're reading things into the thread that aren't there thisis.

Nobody's said they dislike the woman because of her situation, least of all the OP.

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:01

i haven't said they did

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:02

The OP obviously knows the family well enough for the dc to have stayed a lot at her house.....

I don't think she should let her dc go for the sake of the woman but for the sake of the children. As I said I would have been very sad if my daughter ended up not being allowed to have sleep overs because I have been ill in the past.

How many of us actually carry out CRB checks on the households our kids go to sleepovers at? There could be all sorts we don't know and I imagine bipolar disorder is a smaller threat than some possibilities.

RomanChristingle · 17/12/2011 15:04

Well reading some of the posts on this thread you may be doing the right thing thisisyesterday. Although I've only ever had a sympathetic response from people when I've spoken about my problems. I work with the children of adults with mh problems and the adults themselves and having suffered yourself is seen as a bit of a plus in the recruitment process if anything.
I also know quite a few parents with mh issues that I have met through group counselling I have attended and there is not one I would hesitate leaving my kids with. In fact, 2 of them are down as dd's emergency contacts at nursery.
I wouldn't leave my kids with people I don't know though which is the actual issue here so lord knows why the op had to bring mh into it at all.

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:05

Vicky - what kind of risk do you think a person who has recently spent time in hospital actually poses?

thisisyesterday · 17/12/2011 15:06

i wonder how many of the "yanbu" people have mental health issues themselves

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 15:09

I remember that when I was in hospital a woman was admitted and came in, initially with her husband. I will never forget how uncomfortable he looked as we walked past him - like he thought we might jump at him with a knife or something!

AgentZigzag · 17/12/2011 15:09

'i wonder how many of the "yanbu" people have mental health issues themselves'

Are you asking because you think only those who've suffered mental health issues themselves have a right to an opinion on the subject?

MmeLindor. · 17/12/2011 15:10

to be fair, TIS, most people are not saying YANBU.

Most are saying, YANBU to meet the woman and ask her if she is ok with the sleepover.

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