To say no to sleepover because the mother has Mental Health history?

[MaybeParanoid]

Name changed. And will be vague as I don't want to upset anyone.

My DC has been invited to a sleepover.

The mother (single so only adult present) has mental health issues. She has recently - as in, only within last fortnight got home - been an inpatient for these problems.

I have met her a handful of times. The first time she was clearly agitated and had visible symptoms such as shakey hands and darting eyes. She was clearly uncomfortable but I did know a little of her background so tried not to be pushy and give her space but stay friendly and welcoming.

Everytime after this first meeting she has been chatty and seemed at ease and 'normal' (I hate to use that word but don't know how else to explain that she seemed just like any other mum in the playground)

Her DC has stayed here on many occasions and has been open and honest about the mothers breakdowns and when she is/has been in hospital. From what I can gather, the mother has some sort of manic depression but obviously, I can not be certain.

Today, my DC was invited to a sleepover by the dc. I immediately made an excuse about being busy with family and christmas stuff as I do not feel comfortable about my DC being there.

I can't really pin point why. I worry that she will be unable to cope (this is how her DC explains it 'mum can't cope with everything so she's gone away again') but overall, the idea just doesn't sit right with me.

AIBU? Am I being panicky and OTT?

I'm shocked at how strongly I feel about this when I would say I was a pretty accepting person. I'm interested to see how other people would handle this situation.

Agree with toddler - the OP isn't making huge sweeping generaslisations , she is proposing to find out more - not a bad thing in my book.

Ex SIL was bipolar and I would think very hard before I let my children stay with her so soon after a hospital stay. If SIL was admitted because she was going into a manic phase (perhaps because she was off her meds) then they used to heavily medicate her to bring her mood down. When she was discharged she was often barely able to look after herself because she was so heavily medicated.

There are times when my exSIL ability to judge whether or not she was capable of doing something e.g. hosting a sleep over was severely impaired due to her illness.

I agree that getting to know her better is a good idea. It may be possible that she is perfectly well enough to host a sleepover and if that is the case then I think it is a lovely idea but I would get a better understanding of how she is feeling at the moment before agreeing.

People can, and do, have poor judgement regardless of mh issues.

Of course they do roman I don't think any one has disputed that.

disclaimer: i haven't read entire thread.

OP. People like you are the reason why I feel forced to wear long sleeves all thet ime, even in summer (used to self harm)

I can't tell people how I am feeling, I wouldn't EVER admit to having MH problems to people in real life... because of the prejudiced and scared responses I'd get... but more than that, the treatment my children would then get because of my problems.
My children would be the ones who couldn't have friends over because the ignorant parents of other children think I can't cope

nice one OP. real nice.

ftr, did you ever stop to wonder about the other parents? the ones who, like me, have chosen to keep their MH issues secret? because there will be some.

perhaps you should keep your kids at home all day every day instead?

RomanChristingle
Agreed we can all show poor judgement. Additionally, I am sure many people with MH have a far more realistic idea of what is a sensible workload / commitment to make because they have far more practical awareness of their feelings / coping ability etc. I have had clinical depression in the past and now I am much better at recognising when I am at risk of being overburdened and doing something about it.

However, the nature of my SIL's illness meant at times she did not have that awareness. Bluntly, there were some situations where she did unintentionally put others at risk e.g. trying to drive whilst in a manic phase, going back to a former place of work and trying to carry on with her former job (medical).

There are no blanket answers, some people with MH issues are perfectly fine to host sleepovers some people without any MH or Physical health issues are not fine to host sleepovers. Each situation has to be judged individually. Nobody said Winston Churchill couldn't be PM because he suffered from depression.

There are no blanket answers, some people with MH issues are perfectly fine to host sleepovers some people without any MH or Physical health issues are not fine to host sleepovers. Each situation has to be judged individually. Nobody said Winston Churchill couldn't be PM because he suffered from depression

Good point.

I think your being sensible in not wanting your DC to go. however the mum might be well at the moment and people who are well with mental health problems are just like regular people , IF mum is bi polar Manic depression is the old word for it , she can function fine and dandy , I dont think your children will be in any danger , but if you are worried the stress is to much for her then if she was ill she wouldnt have invited them , Maybe say to your dc not at the moment but maybe after christmas holidays and try and have a word with mum to see if its ok ,

and you know what? maybe, just maybe having some kids over and giving her own children a "normal" weekend with her and some friends is what she wants/needs right now to help her feel better and feel like she can do a great job with her kids.

only she can't have that chance in case she gets all "mental" and does somnething unspecified but terrible to herself/some children.

The OP did stop to think about the mum thisis, but she's not responsible for how the mum feels about her personal decision over whose house her children can and can't stop at.

I know some can go along with the stereotyped mental health problems and how they affect a person, but the OP hasn't IMO.

She can't unlearn or ignore the little she knows about the woman and asked MN about it for perspective, that's someone open to other ways of thinking about mental health issues.

Well by getting to know the OP she will be able to judge wether that is something that can be done in the future this and it sounds like the Op will make every effort to get to know the family better.

no, i'm not suggesting that she should put the mothers feelings over her own children's safety.

however, she has, IMO, no valid reason for thinking that harm will come to her kids.
what does she/you/anyone else actually think might happen if the children stay overnight? because I haven't seen that answered yet

thisisyesterday
Have you come out of hospital in the last two weeks?

One of the OP's key concerns is that the mum in question has only recently been discharged from hospital.

The OP has said she is going to spend some time getting to know the mum better surely this is reasonable and may be a good thing for the mum too.

I am really sorry you feel the need to cover up, self harming is not uncommon and you might find there are people more who understand what you have been through than you expect. You sould like there is a lot of emotional pain in your post but you clearly are coping and must be a strong person to reached the place you are now.

This is why I hate sleepovers. There are plenty of children who it's lovely for my friends to be friends with, but I don't want to be trying to assess their homelife so they can stay over. Can't your child go over and play in the day and come home at night? Mine would only stay over with very very good friends, so this would not arise for me.

sound not sould

x-posts thisis.

'and you know what? maybe, just maybe having some kids over and giving her own children a "normal" weekend with her and some friends is what she wants/needs right now to help her feel better and feel like she can do a great job with her kids.'

It's not up to the OP or her children to provide anything of therapeutic value to the woman!

And nor should she, unless a trained health professional.

i'm not suggesting that they provide therapy for the woman, I am giving an alternative view to the common one on this thread that the woman won't bbe able to cope because she has been in hospital!

there are a ton of people on here saying "oh i;m worried she can't cope, she only just came out of hospital"

my point is that actually, this might be exactly what she WANTS and something that will help her.
just because she has been in hospital does not mean she is all pathetic and unable to care for children.

thisisyesterday, I guess the 'harm' that could arise is that your child would be in a situation in which the MH issues, which are unstable, relapse and they find themselves in a difficult situation, e.g. having to call for adult help/doctors/whatever her own child normally would do. Or witness difficult or erratic behaviour. This would be easier if there was another adult around.

Op, I would get to know the mum better first, but then as I have said, I'm not mad on sleepovers anyway.

I do a lot of work around MH issues, and with my professional head on, I would say that unless there has been evidence that she is a threat in some way to herself or others, which there isnt unless she has been sectioned, and even then would not be current if she has been released, she shouldn't be treated in any way different to any other parent who would invite DC to stay. Ie, how much do I know about the set up etc. The MH should not be the deciding factor.

With my mum head on, I would be concerned. If you do know she has had these issues, would you be able to call her and tell her that you concerned, in the nicest of possible ways, that perhaps it might be a bit too much for her and that you are worried abotu her wellbeing? That gives her bother the chance to reassure you, and the opportunity to back out gracefully if it is a bit much.

still, it's nice to know that people with mental health issues aren't allowed to make up their own minds about what they're capable of, and shouldn't expect anyone except trained health professionals to give them a hand or help them out in any way.

YABU - I expect deep down you are afraid this woman is unpredictable. People with mental health issues are often suspected as being potentially violent and the most stigmatised condition ime is schizophrenia. But in actual fact the statistics show that they are only as likely as individuals with anorexia to be violent.

I have manic depression and have also spent time in hospital because of it. I've been well for a long time with no episodes but I would have been totally mortified if my children were not able to have sleep overs with their friends because of it.

I suspect that if this parent was very unwell at the moment your child would not even have been invited. I assume she has her children with her and is obviously under the supervision of a doctor.

hardgoing

the op doesn't even knoiw what the mothers mental health issues are, let alone whether they are "unstable" or likely to relapse.

in fact, she has said that the woman is just like any other school mum

IM very wary of sleepovers now the OP doesnt know the mum very well so she is right to not let her children go , and it isnt up to her to make the MUm feel better by letting the kids stay over for some normallity , I had an incident when dd was staying at a friends house and the mum who i knew got drunk dd Txt me to say Xs mum is really drunk and shes fell now dd was 14 so i knew she was alrgiht and her friend was used to it , I was really annoyed with the mum and myself for trusting her , so im not keen on sleepovers now ,

TIS
my SIL has MH issues and has been sectioned, and has voluntarily gone into hospital several times.

As much as I trust her when she is stable, in a time where she is not I certainly would not let my DC stay at her house.

I know my SIL pretty well, and my DH knows her (obviously) even better.

That is a very different situation to this one, where the mother has been recently released from hospital and the OP does not know her.

The OP did not say, "AIBU to say no to DD going to a sleepover cause the mum has just got out of hospital and she is obviously a bit nutty, and she could do somehting to my child". If she had, she would have been flamed.

She is obviously concerned not just for her DD, but also for the health of the woman.

I have to say that, this kind of thing is precisiely the reason why I never reveal my previous mental health issues to anyone who doesn't already know.