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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it would be acceptable to do this?

249 replies

foldergirl · 16/12/2011 19:56

This is my first post on mumsnet, I usually lurk in baby names though I don't have dcs yet. I wanted to ask about my lifestyle and life decisions as recently I have got the impression some people think they are wrong.

I am 24 years old and an art graduate. It is 2 years since I graduated and when i did I was never really sure what I wanted to do so I didn't look for a job. I was lucky enough to be able to do this as my boyfriends' parents (he is now my dh) are extremely wealthy. After our graduation we lived in a flat owned by them and they payed all the bills etc as we didn't have jobs. In this time we have got married - planning the wedding was like a full time job in itself!! My dh eventually got a job about 6m ago as a waiter in a golf clubhouse, and has since been made supervisor, but he is finding the long hours hard and is talking about looking for something else.

At the start of the year, my dad was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. My dh and I moved out of the flat owned by his parents and moved back in with him. I am now his carer and receive carer's allowance. I cook his meals, make sure he takes his medication and drive him to his hospital appointments. I am very close to him and will find it very difficult when he is gone and the prognosis is not good. I couldn't work and look after him, so in a way I think it was a good thing I didn't get a job as I would have had to give it up anyway. My parents have been separated for years though are not divorced and my mum does still care about my dad and helps out with his care occasionally - we both have power of attorney for him.

Now, as I said, my pils are extremely wealthy and have more money than they know what to do with. They have 3 ds's and my dh is the youngest. They have gifted (I think for tax reasons) each ds and dil money towards a house and the amount they stipulated is £400K. Both dh's older brothers have received this amount though pils also insisted that they got a mortgage so that they had a reason to work hard (fil is v hardworking and a self made millionaire). I have seen a house I would like, but the problem is it is £595K. I'm not sure whether dh and I should ask pils for the extra money (I know they have it) as we would not be able to get a mortgage for that amount extra, or whether to approach my dad about selling his house and him moving in with dh and I while I continued to care for him. The only problem is my mum and my brother might have a problem with this. But the house is really beautiful and all I have ever wanted in life is to be a housewife with dcs and a dog and a studio for my art, and this house would enable me to have this - few people get the chance for their dreams to come true and so I think I should take it and ask pil for the money.

But lately, I have got the impression people feel I am lazy, even though I am caring for my dad. I know dh's brothers and my sils all work, but there circumstances are different from mine. I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad? AIBU to ask pils for this money?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/12/2011 19:19

Foldergirl - you and your dh have been offered a huge gift by your PIL - but basically you're saying 'It's not enough, give us more' - and you are surprised that people here haven't applauded you and your attitude?!

You have also totally ignored everyone who has said it would be really traumatic for you to sell your dad's house now, just so you can get your perfect house. You need to put his welfare ahead of your greed - and it is greed, pure and simple.

And if someone had been looking for a job for 2 years, applying for everything they could, pounding the pavements, willing to take any job that came along, then there's no way I'd accuse them of being feckless and undignified - but that's not you, is it??

To be honest, I am utterly appalled at your attitude that £400K is not enough to buy you the house you want. Do what everyone else has to - buy a house that's within your budget - don't just go begging for more from your already very generous PIL!

Worraloadofoldshit · 17/12/2011 19:23

I honestly can't believe how BRAZEN someone can be!!

Tbh, from her posts, it seems she's made up her mind that shes in the right to ask for the extra money, so I don't know why she's still here.

Go and do one, OP.
Haven't you gotta house to buy?

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 17/12/2011 19:25

I think this is reverse AIBU, no one is this thick.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/12/2011 19:26

You've got to hope so, SnapesMistress.

QuietTiger · 17/12/2011 19:42

SnapesMistress - they are this thick if they are a money grabbing self-entitled gold digger.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 17/12/2011 19:44

Have just finished readin thread and now think you have wasted my time. Pointless replying to such a selfish selfish person who think it's ok to move her I'll dad. Get a life, a job and a brain. You've not had abuse o. Here you've just had some harsh truths.

TheRealTillyMinto · 17/12/2011 20:11

I am shocked and upset by some of the abuse I have received on here

yes but still take it on board!

who does agree with you?

your dad who wont be aronud for much longer
your DH
anyone else?

cumbria81 · 17/12/2011 20:19

I do think that many of the responses on here are motivated, at least in part, by jealousy. Wouldn't we all like to have a big pile of money handed to us on a plate? The OP is very young and in a sense this is all she's known. From that perspective, her naivety is understandable, if not excusable.

OP, for what it's worth, I think that selling your dad's home would be unforgiveable and asking your PILs for more money greedy. Perhaps one day you will learn this (and I don't mean to sound patrionising) but do listen to the advice on this thread, even if it is couched in very critical terms, as overwhelmingly you are being unreasonable.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2011 20:27

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dontletthebellsend · 17/12/2011 20:28

I would love someone to hand me a big pile of money. Someone has in fact, just not on the same scale. PIls paid our house deposit and my parents once gave us a cash gift which we invested (they had bailed out Dbro and wanted to make it 'fair' by giving sis and I the same). We are very lucky, we know we are and don't go begging for more because we value our relationships more than money.

I don't think its my uncontrollable jealousy making me think its really shitty to sell a dying man's house from under him in order to rob his wife and other child out of their inheritance, or making me think that this is going to make a whole heap of problems regarding the OPs DHs relationship with his siblings and parents or making me think you can't support a wife who pisses money up the wall for her art, children, dogs and a £600K house on a waiters salary. I think its common sense.

suzikettles · 17/12/2011 20:44

You are a silly wee lassie. This whole scheme is a pipe dream.

Your pils will not suddenly think it's a great idea to give you 100% of the value of your dream home, given their attitude to the value of their children knowing the importance of standing on your own two feet.

Your mother has joint power of attorney and, separated or not, will not see you sell your father's house under his feet.

However, if you insist on pursuing this you risk alienating your whole family, on both sides. Not smart. Please be careful. Golden Goose ring any bells?

AmazingBouncingJesus · 17/12/2011 20:53

LMFAO.

That is all.

Freakyfroggie · 17/12/2011 21:06

I love you op. You make me look intelligent, thanks for that!

ShellyBoobs · 17/12/2011 21:10

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bubbaganoosh · 17/12/2011 21:12

Haha foldergirl, your such a douche.

I'm younger than you and seriously can't fathom your thought process. I would be ashamed of my DH if he was such a ponce like yours.. how do you find that attractive?
You are going to get a serious shock when you have DC's because you can't be the centre onbe the centre of the universe anymore.

RachelHRD · 17/12/2011 21:13

For me this sentence from your opening post says it all I kind of think I deserve this house after giving up my time to look after him in his dying days - it that so bad?

It's all about YOU and if you really think you deserve a 600k house for looking after your dying father then don't expect everyone to pat you on the back and say 'of course poor you'.

You should be looking after you dying father because you love him and he is your father - no other reason........

NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 17/12/2011 21:15

Move your dying father whilst he is that ill Have you any idea how much stress that will put on him don't you see that???????

Worraloadofoldshit · 17/12/2011 21:21

I'm curious OP, in the manner in which you'll ask the poor man to sell his house.
Will it be one morning, after bringing in a cup of tea and an extra specially cooked breakfast? Or wait til his really ill, perhaps even bed bound, to pester him. Sad How?
I'm so bloody angry at you OP, you cold hearted woman!
Can't you just be grateful with what you've been given?!

Worraloadofoldshit · 17/12/2011 21:23

I think so only took the job of his carer, because she saw pound signs.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/12/2011 21:29

Your dh wants to give you everything you want???

Well the problem is he can't can he. Not when he's a waiter. Nothing wrong with wanting to be a housewife but your husband needs a good job in order to support you.

I would be totally mortified to ask either my parents or inlaws for money like this. I wouldn't accept 400k from them, never mind ask for more.

And no I'm not jealous of you, why would I be.? Let's see you have no job, no home, no kids and your dh is a waiter. Whereas I have a great career, lovely home, gorgeous dd and dh has a fantastically well paid job. We've always paid our own way, bought our own homes, cars, holidays, etc and taken pride in doing so.

Worraloadofoldshit · 17/12/2011 21:32

Ok. I'm hiding this thread now.
I keep reading the OP, and it's making me increasingly angry how someone can be so selfish towards her dying father, it's like she's only caring for him, in the hope shell get a hefty wad of money out of it.
What a total user you are.

I wish your father and your family all the best, OP, this is a difficult time for you all.

Worraloadofoldshit · 17/12/2011 22:16

Sorry, before I go, just thought.

Assuming your DF agrees to sell up his house. There's no guarantee his house will sell any time soon. It's foolish to assume buying and selling a house takes no more than a couple of weeks at most.
His house could be on the market for months and months on end, maybe even a couple of years, and in that meantime, he would have to deal with strangers tramping through his house to view it, and surveyors inspecting every inch of his home, etc. And all this will be whilst hes battling through a tumour, and at a time when he needs everything to be as normal and easy for him, and the rest of your family, as possible. And don't get me started on the process of actually having to up and move into a new house, and then get settled in, and then make it feel like your own!
Does this dream home still seem worth it?! Because I think that if you did get it, then it will be tainted.

And I still stand by my earlier comment. We are 7 pages in now, and the only times you have written a response to previous posts is to moan how we are being mean to you, or it's you feebly trying to justify or excuse yourself.
There is o hint of you apologetic for the insensitive tripe you've spouted on here. Nor does it seem you may rethink about what it is your intentionally going to ask your father, after reading our opinions, which you came on here to ask for. Nor have you even put your hands up and said, ok, I got it terribly wrong here.
Nothing! Grrr!

rhondajean · 17/12/2011 22:24

Before I start I am absolutely not jealous. In fact. I am extremely sorry for you.

You are the current plaything for a spoilt boy who sounds like he has been handed everything he wants. You have no independent income and no way of finding one for yourself.

Basically, you better get your ass down the gym, because if he decides that baby fat isnt good on you in ten years time, you are history madam.

And for the record, someone else keeping you, whether its everyone through the state or one family, is nothing to be proud of.

And I know there is a saying, take what you get and look for more but heck, you take the biscuit.

Im being brutal because I cannot believe you are for real.

If you are, you want to check out the costs for tax and heating on your dream house. Because one nonworking person and one waiter will not be able to afford them and to have any kind of life.

rhondajean · 17/12/2011 22:25

Oh and everything beaver said too.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/12/2011 22:47

Agree with worraloadofshit. Moving house is one of the most stressful things in life and could quite possible finish your dad off earlier than otherwise. And then there will be the fact that 195k of your home will be his money. And if he dies within seven years of you buying it you will need to pay a lot of tax on it, I think 40%.

Plus your mother and brother will probably despise you.