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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people shouldn't be so selfish

176 replies

Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 18:51

I was listening to the radio the other day and a Mother was talking about how she chose her career/studying over living with her son.
She fell pregnant in her last term of Uni, had the baby, then broke from the Father. She wanted to do a masters in Leeds (or somewhere...can't quite remember) but could not get childcare/appropriate in the city where she wished to study. So, the child went to live with his Father in, say, Birmingham. Her career took her to Norfolk, she found the distance very hard and couldn't think of things to do with her son once she got there. The distance and work commitments meant she didn't see her son much at all while he was growing up.
Now, to most people, she pretends that she doesn't have a child as it hurts her too much to think that she doesn't have a good relationship with her son. She mentioned nothing about how much this would have hurt her son, knowing that his Mother chose work, money etc over raising him, and not choosing to live closer at least.
I had my child young, whilst not being with my now Husband very long. We made sacrifices, but thats just what we did - there was no option - we were a family. Because of the way we threw ourselves into being a family and made it work, we are a very happy little family. Yes, there were things I wanted to do - travel, start a career etc but, it is not our child's fault they came along at a time in our lives when we weren't settled so why should he suffer?
I am not saying everyone should marry someone and set up home with partners they don't want to. All I think is that a career and life dreams that do not fit around the children should come second to raising the children that were brought into this world through no choice of anyones other than their parents.
I just think this women is truly selfish and raising our children should come above all other aspects of life.

OP posts:
TheRuderBarracuda · 16/12/2011 20:02

Why didn't the dad move to the city the mum needed to study at (and yes postgrad study may be v specialised and only offered at limited places) and share the childcare 50/50?

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 20:04

My ignorance? I know plenty of people who have chosen open university courses or universities closer to home.
She could have easily have the funding moved to a more approbate university. These days, courses are not university specific. There would have been ways to have organised her studies around the needs of the child she chose to have.
There is NOTHING wrong with the child living at his Fathers. However, weekends, Holidays, Birthdays - she should have made the effort to see him.
She should also now not moan that he does not want a relationship with her.

OP posts:
helpmabob · 16/12/2011 20:05

well op we appear to be two lone soul mates on this subject. I hear you and agree with you. And I have yet to meet someone who had an absent parent who did not have subsequent issues as a result.

GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 20:06

Yes, why couldn't the dad move?

MrsBradleyJames · 16/12/2011 20:06

helpmabob, I'm with you!

Feminine · 16/12/2011 20:08

I agree MrsBradley.

I think its the MN stock response...

Surely the ideal is to have both parents together .

both are as important as each other.

I genuinely believe that those that say its fine for a mother/father to bugger off , are deluding themselves.

They have learnt to cope with what life gave them , we all do ...its not the ideal though.

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 20:09

The mother did not want to share the childcare 50/50. She wanted the child to be with the father in their home town.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 20:10

The ideal also is NOT to live with 2 unhappy parents....

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 20:13

Mother nature intended on two parents. It is good that some people agree. Its is sad to see so many people think Mothers do not matter in a child's life. And sad to see that there are people who believe this would be no issue if it were a father who walked out.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 20:13

'She could have easily have the funding moved to a more approbate university. These days, courses are not university specific.'

Sorry, that is not true. Honestly it's not. You don't get funding 'moved' - the university is allocated funding in the block grant scheme.

It is quite possible she had to be precisely where she was for this course, too. Some courses only run in certain places, and it does matter if you want the Masters to be useful, not just an empty qualification.

Feminine · 16/12/2011 20:14

littlest well obviously.

I understand that the Mum is not so happy though Confused

There will always be variables ...but I'll say again the ideal is for both...

otherwise women could get pregnant by mating with a tree!

cheesesarnie · 16/12/2011 20:18

'Mother nature intended on two parents'

in the perfect world,with the perfect parents maybe.
this is real life,it doesnt always work out like that.

hohohoshedittant · 16/12/2011 20:19

I think if you choose to have a child, to create a life then that new life becomes your priority. All decisions should be based on what is in their best interests.

If she felt she wouldn't have been a good parent and it was in the child's best interests to be raised by his father only, then she did the right thing.

If she put her career over her child's need she did the wrong thing.

IMO

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 20:21

LRD I don't think you fully understand.
Weekends, Holidays, Birthdays - she should have made the effort to see him.
She should also now not moan that he does not want a relationship with her.
She could have made better choices. She should have put the child that she chose to have, before her need to study at that point in her life, in that area of the country, so far from her child. There was in no way nothing she could do to make the situation better.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 20:21

As a lone parent this thread is starting to make me feel..... Don't know, can't quite put my finger on it!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 20:22

But what if she felt her career would give her and her child the best outcome?

Someone mentions she said she regretted it - it could be she feels bad looking back and it could be it was the wrong decision, but I don't really see why a mum being away working is a bad thing per se - her son may well be proud of her later on. Someone mentioned army parents - my mate has a little baby and his wife is military, and they hope and trust their son will one day be proud of what his mum was achieving.

It doesn't mean she doesn't love him.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 20:24

I don't see why you assume she put her need to study first.

She can look back and regret the decision. But at the time she may have thought it was right for all three of them - her, the baby, and the baby's dad.

cheesesarnie · 16/12/2011 20:26

LittlestLightOnTheTree-im not a lone parent but the words 'fucking angry' spring to mind.

MayaAngelCool · 16/12/2011 20:29

Let me see now. Woman has baby, moves halfway across the country for her career and hardly sees him. Thankfully he has a dad who takes an interest and brings him up - we assume he does a good job of this. Then when mother and child are reunited (thereby upsetting the equilibrium of the life son has got used to - he's suddenly thrust into the world of this virtual stranger whom he's supposed to call 'mum') she still ca't see how much support a young child needs. She puts her career first and ends up, what? Estranged from her son? Have I got my facts right? Things get so bad between them that she spends the rest of her life pretending he doesn't exist. And this child is apparently expected to grow up perfectly fine, without being even slightly fucked up by this? Hmm

Poor kid. This is nothing likes normal working parent family life. Nothing like it, there's no comparison. No wonder the mother is full of regrets, so would I be.

anneatkins · 16/12/2011 20:31

At the same time though, SO MANY women are left to just get on with it (even if they are married) and the sick days fall to them, the dinners fall to them, the "where is kid #2's jumper??" falls to them and I think that so many Dads get let off of so much - even in "equal" households where both parents work full time.

I mean it is almost just assumed that she will be the one to fill in all the end bits, etc - and frankly - as much as I love my kids, this effs me off (boils my piss! to quote a sister MNer).

So suddenly my husband cannot hack it at work (bored) and goes back to retrain 2 years at College and is now an apprentice at 1/20th of his previous wage.

Good for him and us in the long run, but hell if I haven't had to postpone things and lose clients because I am always shimmying around filling the gaps that originally were his "job" (bringing in the duckets, so I could do all that!) to GET A JOB and also do the same stuff as before.

So I did, and I have done well, but ffs, sometimes, the onus needs to be on him because my business cannot very well thrive if I am always the one who has to postpone appointments to take care of bits my husband cannot do now as apprenticeships are still f/t work - but the money has to be made up somewhere and this means that the rest falls down when I too am out bringing in the sheaves.

So no, I don't think it's wrong for a Dad to bear the brunt of the upbringing for a period of time. Both parents are SUPPOSED to be equal - but they very seldom are!

:)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 20:31

Sounds like a lot of families where the dad has had to go away to further his career and split up with the mother.

You know the difference? The difference is this woman being made to feel she should be horribly guilty about it all.

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 20:38

Yes Maya, thats right. I think some people think that I assume all families need to live in a 1950 set up. I do not think that. I just think she should have put her son first a little more, not moved so far away, made more of an effort at weekends/holidays etc and then not pretended he don't exist. I have many friends who are lone parents and do all they can, like all parents should, to make their children's live a good, loved and happy one.
There are families with married parents who don't put their children first - which I think is truly sadl Cheesesarnie. It is not about having parents together or not - it is about having a child, and being a parent to that child.
But hey, shoot me for thinking these things.

OP posts:
helpmabob · 16/12/2011 20:41

It seems as if many people are totally misunderstanding the salient points - she made no effort to see him and the little time she spent with him was done grudgingly. That is selfish and has nothing to do with single parents or military parents. The point is that as far as possible both parents should take an interest in the child's life. This woman was not interested for the greater part of his upbringing.

Frankly this particular woman should feel guilty.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 20:42

christmas - ok, think about it this way: I am my mum's child, and she wanted to put me first, so she gave up her career. And it was awful. For her, but also for me. To this day I feel so deeply guilty, even though it was in no way my fault she gave up her career, and I was a planned and wanted baby.

What I'm saying is, hindsight is always perfect. Who knows whether this woman wouldn't feel equally guilty if she'd made the opposite choice?

Given that her son had a loving parent at home with him and a loving mother who wanted to stay in his life in some way, I don't really see why you focus on her as the most 'selfish' person you can think of to start a thread with.

GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 20:44

And you op, are only one affair/accident away from being a lone parent yourself!

Not all splits turn out with a happy part time/life on hold, non resident parent