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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people shouldn't be so selfish

176 replies

Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 18:51

I was listening to the radio the other day and a Mother was talking about how she chose her career/studying over living with her son.
She fell pregnant in her last term of Uni, had the baby, then broke from the Father. She wanted to do a masters in Leeds (or somewhere...can't quite remember) but could not get childcare/appropriate in the city where she wished to study. So, the child went to live with his Father in, say, Birmingham. Her career took her to Norfolk, she found the distance very hard and couldn't think of things to do with her son once she got there. The distance and work commitments meant she didn't see her son much at all while he was growing up.
Now, to most people, she pretends that she doesn't have a child as it hurts her too much to think that she doesn't have a good relationship with her son. She mentioned nothing about how much this would have hurt her son, knowing that his Mother chose work, money etc over raising him, and not choosing to live closer at least.
I had my child young, whilst not being with my now Husband very long. We made sacrifices, but thats just what we did - there was no option - we were a family. Because of the way we threw ourselves into being a family and made it work, we are a very happy little family. Yes, there were things I wanted to do - travel, start a career etc but, it is not our child's fault they came along at a time in our lives when we weren't settled so why should he suffer?
I am not saying everyone should marry someone and set up home with partners they don't want to. All I think is that a career and life dreams that do not fit around the children should come second to raising the children that were brought into this world through no choice of anyones other than their parents.
I just think this women is truly selfish and raising our children should come above all other aspects of life.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 19:11

But they had split up?

Rudolfsgottarednose · 16/12/2011 19:12

Just because a person can get pregnant/inpregnant does not mean that they can parent, it is a brave decision to face up to that and give the child to someone who can, rather than be an inadequate parent.

whackamole · 16/12/2011 19:12

YABU. For a significant portion of my childhood my dad worked away from home. I don't remember feeling especially put out by it.

And what about children of forces parents? By the very nature of their work they will spend months away from their family.

I have a feeling if this had been an article written by a man it wouldn't even have registered on your radar enough to comment.

Ephiny · 16/12/2011 19:14

YABU, I don't think I'd have done what she did, but it's not my business and doesn't affect me in any way. If you're happy with the choices you've made in life, and the family you have, then why do you care if other people do things differently?

And since the parents had separated, the child was inevitably going to be away from one parent for some of the time. It's a shame things didn't work out, but it's a bit insulting to suggest that a child is 'suffering' because he's living with his father not his mother after the separation. Dads are real parents too!

Feminine · 16/12/2011 19:17

If she really just moved because she liked (where she was) better, then no wonder she now feels bad.

I'll bet there is more to it though.

All media is manipulated , depending on the weather it seems!

Ephiny · 16/12/2011 19:18

And I agree no one would have even given it a moment's thought if it had been the mum raising the child and the dad living a few hours away.

hellhasnofury · 16/12/2011 19:20

I think it is very easy to sit in judgement but even though your experiences are similar to the case in question they are not the same.

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 19:21

I think it is just as bad when a father moves away from the children. I have seen how damaging that is to the children as well. Yes, I would have been as upset if the story had have been a father choosing to study and live a long way from his child.

OP posts:
Feminine · 16/12/2011 19:22

But choosing to live apart because one prefers it, is a bit different surely?

I'd say the same thing about a man btw.

My parents are divorced, my Dad worked his backside off to keep our relationship going. Now he feels no guilt as he did the best he could.

Tryharder · 16/12/2011 19:27

The woman is not selfish because she "gave" her child to his Dad to bring up while she pursued her education and career. She is selfish because she failed to visit him at weekends or have him to stay during holidays and denied his existance.

Ephiny · 16/12/2011 19:28

"Yes, I would have been as upset if the story had have been a father choosing to study and live a long way from his child."

I believe you if you say so - but there probably wouldn't have been any 'story' if it had been a father!

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 19:29

Feminine - thats the point. Relationships break down, fine. However, to choose to live so far away, to not want to travel the 4 hours because it is boring once you get there, to feel sorry for yourself now the child does not want a relationship is, to me, selfish.
Ephiny - Dads are real parents too, no one said they were not. My husband gives things to our child that I can not - I give things to him my husband could not. Surely, if you decide to have a child, BOTH parents should be equally involved in that child's life? Compromises should be made to insure the child's happiness?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 16/12/2011 19:32

Anyway this seems quite a mean-spirited and unpleasant thread, and honestly I just can't bring myself to care that much about what a complete stranger does, not to mention picking over the details of where she lives, how often she visits etc.

Live and let live, no?

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 19:32

Yes try harder, thats the point.

Ephiny - I do not know if radio 4 would have had the same story but from a father. But if they did, I still would have written this thread. The situation makes me sad.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 19:33

But they aren't op. In many many families they just aren't

Kids survive! They turn out just the same as yours will

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 16/12/2011 19:34

I listened to the same programme and actually she said that she regretted making that decision.

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 19:36

I have seen what hurt comes to children when they become adults having had a parent missing because that parent had "better things to do"

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/12/2011 19:37

Not all children suffer

Maybe you saw one, but truly, they don't all turn out bad or anything else!!

Look at your own child, there are no guarantees that he will turn out well

cheesesarnie · 16/12/2011 19:39

'I have seen what hurt comes to children when they become adults having had a parent missing because that parent had "better things to do"'

can you speak for every single child that experienced this?

TeddyBare · 16/12/2011 19:44

Do you feel the same way about fathers who work in the armed forces or in any number of other jobs which require them to be away from home? Or is it just women who should have to sacrifice their education and career for a child? The dc was brought up by his father, that isn?t unusual and it isn?t harmful. What?s the problem?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 16/12/2011 19:45

Yeah it is quite sad BUT in this case you need to consider that she probably didn't want to get pregnant in the first case. Yeah, she probably should have been more careful with contraception, but well hindsight is a wonderful thing and accidents do happen.
She could have aborted the baby, instead she chose to put herself through the pregnancy and let the dad raise him, presumably dad and son have a lovely relationship which there wouldn't have been if she had had the abortion.
At the end of the day she has done what she thought was best and now has to deal with the rough end of it.
And I agree with the other posters - you would never have started this thread if it had been a man choosing his careers over an unplanned baby.

KalSkirata · 16/12/2011 19:46

kids survive. My dad had better things to do and buggered off. I didnt suffer and felt nothing when he died. Some ppl are shit parents. As long as the other parent gives them love and attention they will be fine.

Original poster
Christmasishere · 16/12/2011 19:50

Yes I would have started this thread if it was a man who had made the same choices as this woman.
Children of parents in the armed forces are still wanted by their parent serving away from home and will no doubt be a fantastic parent on the telephone and when they return home. This parent chose to be far away from her son, and found the small time she did spend with him boring. Very different situation.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/12/2011 19:54

'Studying can happen anywhere, you don't have to leave your children to study.'

Rubbish. You are showing your ignorance.

If she got funding at Leeds, she needs to be at Leeds. If she got a place at Leeds, she needs to be at Leeds. If the course at Leeds is right, she needs to be at Leeds.

This baby was brought up by his dad. What is so wrong with that?

MrsBradleyJames · 16/12/2011 20:02

Can't believe the amount of people who belligerently reply 'what is wrong with that'? and 'whats the problem?'

On what planet is it not wrong to choose to bring a child into the world and then leave it because you have other things you wish to prioritise - both parents have a duty to be parents to the child they choose to have.

It was an abnegation of responsibility that will have had profound and far reaching effects on this child's life and development.

I think it's more misogynistic to say that the role of the mother is so meaningless as to not matter whatsoever that she left her child! "so what, the dad was there".......the abandonment by the mother (or father if the other way around) matters.