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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to out my back stabbing SIL?

179 replies

scuzy · 15/12/2011 15:51

long story short ... SIL told me about a forum she visit frequently (not here) and I decided to look it up. found her online as her daughter was her avatar pic and started reading some of her threads. she was online there for years and read loads of threads giving out/mocking/being disrespectful to everyone (MIL, her BILs, my dp, me, my other sil ... basically all her dp's family).

I told them and since then there is bad feeling. was i right?

OP posts:
Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 19:06

as i said already i agree i went about it the wrong way! i agree with ye all!!!! i should have told her and no one else. i see that now, really do.

i am not the bitch ye have me down as. but i can see that my actions were.

OP posts:
Redrubyblues · 15/12/2011 19:46

Okay Scuzy less said and soonest mended. You have said many times that you went the wrong way and that shows you have a strong character and are willing to stand up and be counted.

Let's fix the situation. It is Christmas and the time of goodwill etc etc.

What are you prepared to do. Your SIL has aplologised and deleted the threads.

Bring the family back together? How can you do this?

LostVagueness · 15/12/2011 19:59

I see your point but I think you are being U. It may have been worth private messaging her to let her know that her comments had upset you but not sure that upsetting the rest of your/her family is worth the effort just to out her. You have probably upset the family much more by outing her and pointing out all the comments etc. What does your DH think? Are you actually posting on here because everyone thinks you've been a twat and you want some reassurance?

lambethlil · 15/12/2011 20:02

I was just about to post what Rubyredblues has said- move on, you sound as if you've realised you went about it the wrong way, so now try and fix the realtionship- perhaps say what you said here in your last thread.

Merry Christmas. Xmas Grin

thebigkahuna · 15/12/2011 20:10

I'm not that interested in the morality of what happened but I do kinda want to know what your SIL said Grin

helpmabob · 15/12/2011 20:18

Who did you actually tell OP because lets face it most of us would talk to our dps if we were upset and we don't know what was said. I think this situation is more complicated than first appears. At first I was all set to call you a shit stirrer but it does sound like it was very upsetting.

Have you had a heart to heart with sil about why she said what she said and maybe you could apologise for telling everyone. That might help clear the air

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 16/12/2011 01:13

If you can I'd try to make sure that you see her before Christmas - preferably meet up for a coffee on neutral ground - to get over the awkwardness before the big day. If you can get your DH to see her or at least clear the air with her over the phone before then it would help.

Morloth · 16/12/2011 03:21

Why did you choose to hurt people you claim to love?

SIL shouldn't have been bitching online, but you are the one who has made the decision to hurt them.

What an awful thing to do.

Bet you are just loving the drama.

WomanDriver · 16/12/2011 05:51

I think it is a bit rich of you to call your SIL a backstabber when you have done some backstabbing yourself!
However, You have read horrible things that someone has written about you and that it bound to hurt. I think that you showed your family as a way of getting back at your SIL for the nasty things she has said about you. That is understandable. You need to apologize to SIL, but push for an apology from her too! But overall I do feel that your actions were U.

Bathsheba · 16/12/2011 06:15

I've been the "victim" of something similar...

When I was pregnant with DD1 I used a forum (not this one) and I once told someone else about it - she had fertilitiy problems, I had previously had fertility problems and I helped her out a lot...

2 weeks after I had DD1 I moaned a bit that my work had treated me like crap - no card, no collection, nothing...(I had always arranged all the collections and I think they thought I'd do it for myself)...

She told everyone at my work.
The threads were printed out and hung up on the office walls.
I was the butt of every joke in the place for months apparently.

Not surprisingly I have never returned to that job after my maternity leave.

Had she just "discovered" this that would be one whing, but I recommened the site to her after helping her for moths with her fertility problems, giving her advice, lending her books, giving her support.

Morloth · 16/12/2011 06:43

This sort of thing is why my Morloth persona is quite different to my real life one.

Different location, kids, everything is at least tweaked.

How utterly bizarre to behave as the OP has. Though this is the internet and it is full of crazies, some how are closer than others.

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 07:04

I think she is entitled to vent on the internet - as you are doing now. Maybe there is truth in what she is saying, who knows? You have your side and she has hers.

altinkum · 16/12/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 08:47

Yes you did, you sound a bit of a shit stirrer tbh. Like others have said people go online where people don't know them to vent and let off steam, what do you think will happen, get a pat on the back and a big well done Hmm

Original poster
scuzy · 16/12/2011 08:50

like i said already we both apologised to each other.

i still believe what she did was horrendous and i know i went about it the wrong way.

Bathsheba that was shocking thing to do!!

altikum thats my point how many people that know the family have read her lies. she has also said them in RL to different people in different circles that has come back to us all so its not an "innocent rant" under an annonymous name.

OP posts:
Original poster
scuzy · 16/12/2011 08:51

this wants "letting off steam" it was slander!!

and again she was not annonymous!!!!!!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 16/12/2011 08:59

churlish to create an argument by she said this and that
you're a big bit juvenile to orchestrate a fight and then step back and shrug as if what just happened?

naturally you know have to hope you've never written anything sarky,mean that she gets to reveal too

kellestar · 16/12/2011 09:00

My SIL is on here, no I haven't checked her threads, even though I know she may have ranted about family or even me at somepoint. But it's a little about respecting her privacy.

I would be livid if my SIL dobbed me into MIL about a recent grumble, I didn't want to complain to MIL as she is generally lovely and DH won't listen so MN is my venting point. MIL can't work a calculator let alone a computer so she would have no idea at all.

So I think you have been very unreasonable and unfair. You have been petty, you have caused a lot of stress and anger and you sit there with a smug face.

redwineformethanks · 16/12/2011 09:04

Think OP started off very defensive of her actions but is now taking on board other people's comments

Original poster
scuzy · 16/12/2011 09:06

god arent ye all very quick with the name calling etc (been reading back posts i missed). anyways not more i can say. i am not smug. i wish this never happened, i wish she had the decency to keep quite or at least actually been feckin annonymous so me or anyone else who knew her couldnt see her vile vicious lies. i wish i dealt with it differently. i still would have told my dp though (who in turn told his bros etc). i am not the witch hunting shit stirring snitch you have me out to be. you dont know all the circumstances which i understand without divulging you cant be swayed but am not drip feeding anymore.

anyways if i could delete this i would so hopefully will just sink to the next page and be forgotten about.

thanks for the replies. i knew i would be told i was bu and i understand (isnt that what this board is about) i wasnt expecting "well done"s etc but please stop with the character assasination.

OP posts:
iscream · 16/12/2011 09:14

I saw a "young relative" saying pure lies about "older relative". I didn't tell either of them, it would hurt the older person and accomplish nothing. But I knew to not believe everything younger person said after that, as what she said was an outright lie.

No comment on whether you were unreasonable or not, I would have to know all the details. In general, I don't like to get involved in things like that, so I probably would have called her on it, but not ratted her out. Calling her on it probably would have scared her enough to make her learn some discretion on the internet.

BootyMum · 16/12/2011 09:25

I think you've lost the moral high ground here.

Your SIL wrote unkind things about the family on an anonymous forum [although she was unfortunately identifiable through the avatar]. You feel outraged that she could think such things and you recognise them as hurtful...

However you then felt the need to relay these hurtful words to the family concerned? Why?

I think you are not being honest with yourself. If you were truly concerned for the feelings of your fellow family members you would have pulled SIL up on what you had read and would have pointed out to her that she had made herself identifiable. But you would have kept it from other family members as to tell them was basically unkind and extremely likely to cause family upset and division.

What is your history with SIL? You sound smug that she has been shown up in front of family. Are you normally quite competitive with her?

daenerysstormborn · 16/12/2011 09:27

scuzy, character assassination aside, why don't you talk to your sil?, maybe between the both of you, there may be a way of putting this right before it spoils christmas?

GinSlinger · 16/12/2011 11:25

Morloth - I am horrified at what happened to you and your ex colleagues are arses of the first order.

OP good to see that you recognise that you compounded your SIL's error or judgement and maybe work at getting the toothpaste back in the tube. An apology to your DH and family might be a good start.

SantasStrapon · 16/12/2011 12:30

i wish she had the decency to keep quite

Breathtaking example of Pot, Kettle, Black. Xmas Hmm

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