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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to out my back stabbing SIL?

179 replies

scuzy · 15/12/2011 15:51

long story short ... SIL told me about a forum she visit frequently (not here) and I decided to look it up. found her online as her daughter was her avatar pic and started reading some of her threads. she was online there for years and read loads of threads giving out/mocking/being disrespectful to everyone (MIL, her BILs, my dp, me, my other sil ... basically all her dp's family).

I told them and since then there is bad feeling. was i right?

OP posts:
Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 16:47

"It may not be talked about, but it will never be forgotten."

thats exactly how i feel

OP posts:
BigHairyGruffalo · 15/12/2011 16:47

I think you could have handled it far more tactfully, but I disagree that you shouldn't have said anything. Do people honestly feel that they wouldn't want to know if someone was saying this about them?

Maybe I am biased though. I was on the receiving end of something like this last week. I don't believe the person who told me was shit stirring, she was tactful and apologetic about it but felt I should know. I call that being a good friend, not a shit stirrer. I was also about to go out of my way to do a massive favour for the person who wrote nasty comments about me and now I am free to do something else with my time!

sitandnatter · 15/12/2011 16:48

You are carrying as normal? I don't believe it for a minute. You guys are being polite to each other for family sake.

We do that with our SIL, we know she is a complete cowbag, a stirrer, but we put on a smile, pretend she is welcome for our brother's and his children's sakes.

OP I hope they aren't doing the same for you, but I suspect they may well be.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 15/12/2011 16:48

And she probably thinks about what you did to her and the people she cares about.

You might all be carrying on as normal but you'd be a fool to think that things are normal and that nothing has changed now. The entire family are going to be dealing with this in one way or another for a long time to come, even if you are all pretending it's over and done with.

What she did might have been ill-conceived but what you did was spiteful and you don't really sound sorry about it.

tigermoll · 15/12/2011 16:49

OP, you sound a bit self-righteous, gloating over ' i wonder what her dp thinks of what she said about him and his mother though?' and blaming the SIL for 'causing hurt'.

It is your actions, scuzy, that have hurt people. You can claim all you like that she is the two-faced one, and that you have done a good thing in running to mummy to tell tales, but you know that you haven't. Your 'people should know what she's like' is a pathetic and obvious attempt to hid your own desire to make trouble and feel better about yourself. You must have quite low self esteem, or be desperate to be accepted by your ILs to have behaved to childishly?

Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 16:50

my other SIL really got the brunt of her lies and rants and I was fuming on her part. how dare she say what she did? i didnt tell anyone to sit back with popcorn and watch the family go down in flames. i wanted them to know so they can judge themselves.

how would any of ye like a family member bend over backwards or an elderly MIL give up her house and spare time to babysit for nothing and feed and tidy up after a grown woman who just moved into her house and listen to this person then say things like "cant wait to move into new house so i dont have to see this woman;s face at the end of the dinner table anymore"!

OP posts:
BigHairyGruffalo · 15/12/2011 16:50

Do people honestly believe that what the OP did was worse than what the SIL did?? The SIL said nasty things about her family online when she was easily identifiable! And she lied! The OP simply told the family about it.

OldeChestnut · 15/12/2011 16:51

She didn't upset everyone though, did she? You did. By telling them things you'd read after snooping.

exactly

Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 16:52

oh lord some of ye are sooo wrong in your judgements but not going to say anymore to back up my side or i'll be accussed of drip feeding.

i see the concensus is not in my favour at all.

just be sure to be totally annonymous in all your bitching.

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Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 16:54

BigHairyGruffalo thanks. at least one person feels what she did was despicable.

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OldeChestnut · 15/12/2011 16:54

you are a bit of a little stalker arent you Grin

taps nose

scuzy Sun 25-Sep-11 18:25:31

btw these same people (i searched their names) also posted about what shoes to wear with a dress -posted a link to a littlewoods dress and holiday packages.

not nice to have past posts gone through is it

FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 16:55

YABVVU. I Agree with Flisspaps and lesley33. However, your SIL was very foolish indeed to a) tell you about the forum and b) make herself so easily identifiable.

Anyway, now you've blown her cover and the whole family can go online to see what she has said about them, I hope you are comfortable with whatever happens next...

I'm not surprised she moaned about you, you sound like a pain in the arse.

QuietTiger · 15/12/2011 16:55

ChickensThinkyoucangetstuffed - "stupid" is infact a very poor choice of words on my part and I totally agree with what you say - thank you for pulling me up on it - my apologies.

You are absolutely right when you say it is a heartbreaking cruel disease, we've seen in the space of 3 years my MIL go from someone who was managing the finances of a healthy family business, to someone who can't even comprehend how to use a bank card and pin number without making a mistake. She's gone from a kind person who would't have offended a fly, to a vicious bitch who says hurtful things because she can. I know it's a symptom of the disease, which is why I would never say a word to DH or FIL, I just sort out the mess and issues and I do it because I can and it helps.

But it also brings home the point, very nicely, about the OP shit stirring. I can vent my frustration on an anonymous forum "safely", which then means I can deal with MIL with kindness and compasion instead of being a bitch to her out of frustration. If she or DH were told what I've said in other places, by a 3rd party, DH would understand, because he shares my frustration, but he would be very hurt.

Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 16:55

doesnt bother me at all OldeChestnut

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 16:56

I would hate it. I understand how angry you are about what she said. she was wrong to tell lies and wrong to tell them on the WWW and be identifiable. the internet is not a private place!

The only thing I disagree with is that you went to your family and told them all about it without first having it out with her and giving her the chance to take it all down and stop talking about them.

Redrubyblues · 15/12/2011 16:57

Are we bitching or telling you something you don't want to hear?

Redrubyblues · 15/12/2011 16:59

I try and view the internet as I would private mail. This is why I have never signed up to Facebook.

If you go looking for trouble you will find it.

YuleingFanjo · 15/12/2011 17:00

I feel slightly relieved re my own situation that so many people don't think it's normal to pass on posts made on a forum to other people.

OP - how is your friendship with your SIL now? How was it before? If you had a good relationship with her to start with then why on earth would you have jeopardised it like this? Or perhaps you just never liked her and what you did was done with malice in which case you did have an agenda and so what you did was done to deliberately cause trouble.

My issue with what happened to me was not knowing why it had been done and by whom.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2011 17:00

If you were both 5, it would be construed as Tale-Telling.
Actually, however old you are...

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 17:01

''cant wait to move into new house so i dont have to see this woman;s face at the end of the dinner table anymore"!

Is that really a good example of what she said? If so, you are even more of a shit stirrer than I originally thought.

Why would you want to hurt your MIL by letting her know that your sil said that. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say. I love my own Mum to bits and we get on brilliantly, but I too would need to complain about her somewhere if I had to live with her. That wouldn't stop me from also feeling grateful for what she had done for me!

Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 17:01

Redrubyblues I posted in AIBU of course I'm going to be told I am. I'm not that naive ffs.

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ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 15/12/2011 17:01

No probs Quiet. I understand the frustrations

YuleingFanjo · 15/12/2011 17:02

What was your relationship with your SIL like before you saw these posts Scuzy?

Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 17:04

no i didnt tell MIL anything she said about her. please read thread. and no it was worse than that and about nephew with special needs but not going into it.

i say again, i do agree i should have gone to her first.

Fanjo we are building it back slowly we did get on beforehand i just dont feel i can trust her and its always there and i'm afraid to open my mouth about certain things or how i interact with her kids or mine .. was all judged online so am wary. but we did get again.

this happened a while ago but was discussed last night with MIL and dp so was fresh in my head today again.

we are all having xmas dinner together at MIL's house but it will be awkward between her and my dp.

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Original poster
scuzy · 15/12/2011 17:06

Fanjo I got on with her. we had a laugh would meet up with the kids etc. i liked our friendship and all my family are far away.

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