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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my new health visitor?

258 replies

EllenandBump · 14/12/2011 19:55

I carefully explained to her today the situation. Currently my son is 18months and sleeping in a travel cot, which i am worried that he will eventually climb out of and what did she tell me, when he does, just put a mattress on the floor for him, HELLOOOOO. I then explained, it was my sisters room, and has full length glass on the wardrobe doors and bedside tables and she told me to put CLING FILM over it, like thats really going to help. Surely its dangerous to leave him to just run around in there on his own? If i had said it surely they would have been onto social services!!! I am sure she couldnt have had children of her own btw

OP posts:
Original poster
EllenandBump · 15/12/2011 21:14

She just seemed really super judgemental, absoultly nothing sweet, this amount of milk, and she looked at me like i had just slapped him when he fell backwards onto his bum, because i didnt jump and run to him. He got straight back up smiling and was perfectly fine. Just sometimes, i think it helps if they have personal experience. No parent is perfect, yet she seemed to expect me to be just that, and i am not, i dont pretend to be and i know i wont ever be. x

OP posts:
GlueSticksEverywhere · 15/12/2011 21:16

I always thought that if you had 2 children of different sexes then they had to have their own room by age 7? I'm guessing that's not right then.

I'm not sure who she has spoken to but thanks for the info.

AuntieDoris · 15/12/2011 21:16

I think it is amazing that you make this massive assumption that someone who doesn't confirm to your stereotype about what a HV should be like means that they are unable to have children. It has fuck all to do with it and nothing to do with how well she is or isn't able to do her job.

Kayano · 15/12/2011 21:23

Can I just say I don't understand how up thread you complained that the HV far you advice and wouldn't write a letter because you were doing just fine....

But as the thread has developed she was now actually super judgemental and expecting you to be the perfect parent and was shocked when a toddler landed on his bum? Confused

It seems to have totally switched!

Feminine · 15/12/2011 21:28

Come on everyone please

Its pretty obvious (with all due respect Ellen) that op is very young.

She is in a massive bind, clutching at straws etc...her situation is stressful and she is just venting and giving us all her feelings...

In times of stress we typically react like that ...its human :)

Kayano · 15/12/2011 21:31

I know but now they are starting to contradict each other and I am genuinely confused

Was HV too relaxed and unconcerned about her situation?

Or super judgemental?

I just dot know but I suspect this HV can't win either way... Simply because she is not the old amazing superduperfabulous HV... Confused

Feminine · 15/12/2011 21:33

Kayano :)

Original poster
EllenandBump · 15/12/2011 21:37

She was judgemental about my parenting skills but completly un interested in my housing worries etc, which i thought was more important to my son than my periods or lack of (no i am not pregnant). She was unconcerned about the situation, but the look i got when i didnt run to him could have killed. And yet he was fine... i know my own son!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/12/2011 21:41

But unless the house is a threat to his health - which from what you have said it isn't - then what is she supposed to do??

I assume as you are so bothered by her actions you have put in a complaint about her?

Feminine · 15/12/2011 21:46

Ellen, leave it for today:)

Its not worth your energy anymore...just chalk it down to different personalities.

Don't feel judged ...I'll bet she hasn't given you another thought...

I think she did her job, sounds like she was just ticking boxes etc...

Its easy (when you are down on your luck) to think everyone is out to get you ... its not like that ...promise :)

Original poster
EllenandBump · 15/12/2011 21:47

Not yet, i just wanted to be told no you werent unreasonable before i did cos i am very emotional and stressed right now. And if she has no concerns about housing being a threat to his health, why the f* are my periods? She had no questions about my PND but loads about my periods, when my last one was, how long it lasted, my average cycle etc, all things i cant tell her and i am very sensitive about which should also have had on my notes!

OP posts:
Feminine · 15/12/2011 21:48

shakes (obviously) :)

Sirzy · 15/12/2011 21:48

A new proffessional shouldnt take what is on the notes as gospel though they need to get to know you therefore ask the questions themselves. I really don't see any issue there?

Original poster
EllenandBump · 15/12/2011 21:51

But my pcos is down to my doctor not a hv surely? Its like me saying i have an ingrowing toenail- not her problem!

OP posts:
AuntieDoris · 15/12/2011 21:52

Housing - housing professionals need to deal with
Medical - medical professionals need to deal with, and yes that could include asking questions about your menstruation, contraception etc,

AuntieDoris · 15/12/2011 21:53

"A health visitor is a qualified nurse or midwife with post-registration experience who has undertaken further training and education in child health, health promotion, public health and education. Health visitors work as part of a primary health care team, assessing the health needs of individuals, families and the wider community. They aim to promote good health and prevent illness by offering practical help and advice."

GlueSticksEverywhere · 15/12/2011 22:07

My HV went through so many different health things with us. Asked about any existing health problems, about family history, suggested checks and screening etc and general things about keeping healthy. She seemed to be going down a list so I thought it was what they did.

Original poster
EllenandBump · 15/12/2011 22:16

She only asked about my periods, not my PND or Eplilepsy, which do affect my son? Just dont think we are going to get along. Will i get a different one if i change doctors?

OP posts:
olgaga · 15/12/2011 22:42

Ellen, it sounds to me as though you are quite adequately housed at the moment. You are not overcrowded. Your child is not in danger from sharing a room with mirrors or tables. If you think your living conditions are bad then frankly you have no idea! You have a roof over your head and more security than many people. You've said your mum has threatened to chuck you out, but on the other hand it would affect your mum's benefits if you left. So that's unlikely, right?

What's the real story here? You're pissed off that the HV didn't wave a magic wand and get you your own front door - yet you can't possibly sleep in the same room as your child as it's not safe/convenient. How would manage in a single room in a hostel or a B&B?

From my experience, questions about menstrual cycle are perfectly normal. Problems with menstruation or the absence of it can indicate a number of conditions. Why was it wrong for your HV to ask you perfectly legitimate questions about an aspect of your physical health? She's a health visitor not a housing officer.

Why are you complaining that she didn't ask about your PND or epilepsy? Did you raise these issues with her? If you need to talk about those issues, see your GP.

working9while5 · 15/12/2011 22:43

This is a really strange thread.

Part of the HV role is to provide support and advice that will enable children to flourish (enjoy and achieve and all that malarkey). The OP is clearly in a poor housing situation because of domestic violence, has had/?has PND and has other significant medical health needs. These are risk factors as far as this child is concerned.

The HV may not be able to write a supporting letter but she should be able to signpost to relevant agencies that will support this family in achieving a better outcome. Everyone working in the NHS has this role. I am a Speech and Language Therapist and if a client talks to me about housing situations or other domestic difficulties that are causing stress, I have a duty to work out who can provide the most appropriate help (even if I don't actually know who can at the time that the parent talks to me about it) and give this information to them. If it's clear cut e.g. a parent asks me about what iron drops a child should take, I simply tell them to talk to their GP, but if they are unsure, I find someone who can help. Usually speaking, the first person we would ask a parent in this situation to ask would be a Health Visitor. The Health Visitor should in turn signpost to relevant agencies to support the housing application. This is part of their role. The OP clearly doesn't know who to turn to for help, she met a professional and told her her concerns about her housing and that should be addressed.

working9while5 · 15/12/2011 22:45

"Ellen, it sounds to me as though you are quite adequately housed at the moment. You are not overcrowded. "

This woman has to live with her mother, she is not living independently at this point in time, nor is she employed and she sounds as though she is quite severely stressed. Overcrowding isn't the issue here, this is not an ideal situation for someone to be in because of fleeing domestic abuse.

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 22:55

I think living with your mother is preferable to living on your own when fleeing domestic abuse.

This woman has to live with her mother

You make it sound as though that is something bad!

olgaga · 15/12/2011 23:06

Working, I think we all realise that OP is not satisfied with her situation. The health visitor is not able to solve her housing need. She's a health visitor, not a social worker. Why doesn't OP just go and see her GP? Or the CAB? She's online, why doesn't she go on the Women's Aid website and dial their free advice line?

Clearly OP is dissatisfied with her housing situation but she's not on the street, she has somewhere to stay. With her mother - her child's grandmother. Hardly an undesirable situation!

As you say, this is a very strange thread. That's because we have one side of the story. I wonder how the HV would describe their meeting?

working9while5 · 15/12/2011 23:20

Olgaga, whether you agree with it or not, the HV does have a role in signposting e.g. giving her info about CAB or the Women's Aid etc and/or other local organisations. She also should explain to her why she can't write a letter etc.

It's easy to say it's not undesirable to live with your mother, but that's very dependent on individual situations.. and in a situation where there has been domestic abuse, and someone is depressed and vulnerable, it can be very undesirable and bad for the family as a whole. If the OP is feeling terribly stressed and overwhelmed, that presents a threat to the child's health and wellbeing and the HV has a clear role in supporting her at this time. That is the role.

I think it's quite strange that people can't see how having to move back into home following the break up of your marriage because of abuse can be very poor for someone's self-esteem, even if they have a great relationship with their mother, and how this can interact with depression etc to create a vulnerable situation. It is not at all ideal or comfortable for most.

I love my mother, we get on great.. I would hate to have to move into her house with my toddler son and we would have oodles of space.

Kayano · 15/12/2011 23:26

We can see how stressful it must be
For the op, what we can't see is what the HV is supposed to do if she does
Not feel there is overcrowding or an issue with the housing.

Op is directing her annoyance at the wrong person. We are not unsympathetic to her situation but it seems like she knows what she needs to do.

I would actually go running TO my mother
If in a similar situation. I also echo squeaky... There are worse things that having to live with your mother
Confused