To wish DSs school would just tell him his punishment and get it over with.

[Solo2]

DS1 (aged 10) accidentally cracked a light fitting at school whilst kicking a football around the changing room with 3 other boys. This is against school rules and he was riven with guilt over the w/e, confessed what had happened to me and was crying on and off all w/e, was sick, developed a migraine and couldn't sleep all night.

I was v pleased that he'd had the courage to confess to me and that he has such an active guilty conscience. However, he'd also been threatened by the ring leader on pain of bullying - not to tell anyone and was v concerned about that. He has been ostracised at school by the 'cool' crowd and was - rather unwisely - trying to get 'in' with the football crowd and feel accepted (long history here).

He decided to confess all at school too and face the consequences. Three of the four boys were called to the headmaster today, as I think they've owned up too but have said that DS was the one who actually caused the accident - which is true. However, they all refused to say who was the one who was threatening the others about disclosing the incident but then turned on DS1 and accused him of this. The headmaster apparently has said he doesn't believe DS was the one who has threatened bullying but that DS1 will have the greatest punishment as it was indeed he who caused the breakage, albeit accidentally. DS1 was crying at the head interview and another of the boys has now spread the word about this, with the 'cool' crowd and DS1 is even more upset.

Although I don't condone DS1 breaking a school rule and consequently damaging a light fitting by accident, I really wish the school would tell him his punishment. DS1 has, since last Thursday now, been tearful, sleepless, now has a nasty flu-like virus, is moody and really, really worried. We think the most likely punishment will be an after school detention plus writing letters of apology and/or me paying for the breakage. But there are only 3 days of term left and two of those wouldn't be possible for the school to do a detention as there's an after school concert and then the last day - leaving only Thursday.

I really need to know, for my own arrangements, if they intend to give him a detention then or if they're going to drag things out into next term. But far more important to me is that I wish they'd just get on with it and let DS and myself know what the intended punishment is, as DS1 has now had several days getting more and more upset and worried.

DS1 is a 'follower' of stronger characters, with low self esteem himself and has been bullied in the past. None of this excuses his misbehaviour but as his mum, I'm finding it really hard to wait this out, whilst I see him suffering so much, to the point of getting physically ill and withdrawing from normal activities and all the fun stuff that's currently happening at school.

AIBU to wish the school would contact me right now and tell me what they intend to do, so that DS1 can face his punishment, rather than worrying so much? He is fantasising that they'll do all sorts of horrible things to him and I just wish he could be 'put out of his misery'.

Why don't you just pop in and ask them?

YANBU - you and DS both need some closure on this. And have you read the school policy on bullying, which is at the root of all this trouble?
Maybe someone still at school if you ring now to ask if a decision's been made about his punishment?

I wouldn't wait it out. I would speak to the person in charge of behaviour at school and get it sorted out.

Couldn't you phone the school and offer to pay for the light and while at it speak to whoever about what his punishment is going to be so that it can be over before this term ends? It wouldn't harm to tell them he does feel guilty about it but it's affecting him badly. All you can do is reassure him that it's not the end of the world. He broke a rule but not the worst thing he could have done - he's only 10. He confessed as well.

Yes, can you phone and ask? Tell them how much he's been stressing about it. You can always make it clear you don't expect the punishment to be lessened or waived just because he's upset, but that you want to know what it will be, otherwise it will probably ruin his whole Christmas which seems unfair and massively out of proportion to the crime.

God almighty he only broke a light whilst kicking a football around where he shouldn't have. He wasn't the first boy to ever have done it and he won't be the last.
In the grand scheme of things it is so bloody unimportant.
I think you need to inject some perspective OP - it makes me very sad and very angry that your DS is under so much stress over this.
The bullying issue sounds nasty and needs to be discussed with the school - regardless of what punishment they dole out.

Phone the school and tell them if they do not decide on a reasonable punishment tomorrow, you will not support it and will tell your son not to do it.

Delaying punishment is cruel and simply not on.

The school need to sort this out right now.

YANBU punishments should be given out straight away. Leaving it this long is unfair.

'phone them, FGS. I would hope they have no idea how much stress it is causing DS to wait, or they wouldn't do it. At the same time as asking them to confirm what his punishment will be, I would ask for a meeting to discuss the wider issues IIWY. What sort of school are we talking about here - is he in the top year of primary or is it more complicated than that?

It sounds like you need to help him with his self esteem issues as this problem stands out particularly in your post. He shouldn't be relying so much on acceptance from so called 'cool' people as those people are usually the first to back stab and abandon when things get tough. You need to teach him that genuine friendship is far more important than being 'cool'.

Perhaps counselling might help his self esteem and I can recommend martial arts for increasing self confidence

For heavens sakes, they are not going to up him up against a firing squad or make him go to school on Christmas Day.

They have probably forgotten all about the punishment and are just letting it be.

At the w/e, I actually emailed the teacher involved directly with management of the changing room and filled him in on DS1's confession and told him that DS1 would be coming to see him to apologise on Monday. I'd normally not email at w/es but DS1 was quite ill with worry. On Monday, DS1 duly went and apologised and tells me he was given the impression that all was fine and that his apology was appreciated.

However, after an afternoon school concert event, DS1 told me about being sent to the headmaster today and that 2 of the other boys had gone too. He was v upset and distressed but was coherent in what he told me and I don't think there's any confusion about the serious way the school are taking all this.

There's a bit of history here. Last year, DS1 was being bullied and ended up doing what a bully told him to do - admittedly wrongly - and got a detention for effectively being the victim of bullying. At that time, I'd gone into the school to see his form teacher and warned them about what was happening but no action was taken and as a result, DS1 ended up in trouble for doing what the bully told him to do - exactly what I'd warned them might happen.

The form teacher hadn't had time to tell the head about what was really going on and so the punishment then - an after school detention - was still carried out on DS1.

I was given the impression that I should back off and let the school deal with everything. This time, when I emailed at the w/e, I also copied the email to DS1's form teacher asking that they let me know how the school intends to respond. I've not heard anything further from her and it isn't the 'done thing' to phone the school. Even emailing is supposed to be done rarely. No parent is allowed in the school unless they sign in officially and have a formal meeting booked with a teacher. You can't just drop in informally.

However, by complete coincidence, I do have a meeting booked with DS1's form teacher tomorrow morning - about how my sons are being demoted to the bottom maths set and how massively upset they are about this (she will be their new maths teacher for the next 2 terms) - especially DS2 (DCs are twins BTW). I'll definitely ask about the situation re. the football but am likely to be told that this is being dealt with by the headmaster who will inform me in due course.

I'll tell her about DS1's distress re. the whole football incident thing because we are actually also supposed to be discussing DS1's low self esteem issues too and this isn't helping at all. The headmaster is the final word on how things are dealt with however.

Last year, DS1's form teacher was upset that the head has given DS1 detention for giving in to a bully but he had no power to say or do anything (he was a v young man, newly qualified and v shy). Before the final detention was meted out then, I'd emailed the deputy head asking if DS1's detention could involve him writing about how he might learn to stand up to bullies, rather than writing a standard essay on misdoings and a letter of apology. But the school didn't at all respond to this in any way and carried out the usual detention.

I get the impression that they don't like parents who make suggestions to them - which I am sure must be v annoying to teachers - or 'complicate' things with 'extenuating circumstances'. As far as they're concerned, it doesn't matter why a child might do something wrong - they must just take the punishment for it and I assume there will also be people on MN who also agree?

I don't like the sound of your school op. It sounds very rigid and 'Head' dominated. What are the Governors like? This lack of parental communication/ being listened to isn't on. In a sense the young NQT was being bullied by regime of school as are you and your son. What is your next move??

Just read the other posts - that i hadn't seen before my one above. No, it hasn't at all blown over and in fact seems now to be coming to a head - hence the scary interview with the headmaster today with DS1 in tears again. The headmaster told them today that they'd all be punished bu that DS1 was going to get the worst punishment as it was his kick of the football that hit the light fitting. The other boys are 'cool football' guys. DS1 is hopeless at football and sports and would never usually play football with these boys or interact with them.

The school are v aware of DS1's low self esteem and told me last year that they were trying to help him. DS1 was assessed last year, privately, by a psychologist who found he had cognitive processing difficulties - which was/is why he's not achieving as well as he could - but also flagged up his low self-esteem. School have a copy of the report. the only outcome so far is that they told me to buy DS1 a laptop for use in school, to help him output what's inside his brain.

BTW, this is a fee-paying academically selective co-ed school and DCs are in Yr 6, the top part of the junior school.

Erm

WTAF?

Is this a private school?

Sorry, but you are going to have to get tough with the school.

They don't like it when parents write or phone the school? You have got to be kidding.

You are the PARENT. You are responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your child and the school is bullying you into accepting ridiculous decisions.

Go into school and demand to see the headteacher. Tell him you want to see the anti-bullying policy and that your son MUST be protected from bullying.

I seriously cannot believe that the poor lad was punished for something that he was bullied into.

Good, this time he has admitted that he did the deed, but there is no reason whatsover to let him stew for days about the coming punishment.

I am not liking the sound of this school either. State or independent?

Solo
How old is your son?

My next move is to try to bring all this up with the form teacher tomorrow, although we're supposed only to be discussing helping DCs self esteem in the context of a maths set demotion - yet another one! No one will now be at the school tonight so I can't get any further info. out of them. I just wish the school had contacted me first and told me what they intend to do BEFORE DS1 was up before the headmaster today.

Sorry, if my post was a bit too much, but I am so shocked at the school.

You are paying for your son to be educated, not to be bullied.

Does the school talk in emotive terms such as 'demotion'? It sounds awful Solo.

Definitely give them a call and ask for their decision about what is happening - fee paying or not dragging it out is making him miserable far and above what is proportionate - anyway it was an accident, not wanton vandalism, poor kid.

x-posted.

It's an independent school. You are the paying customer. They have to listen to you. If the head is the be-all and end-all of all decisions, then you need to go to him directly. Bloody ridiculous. There is a balance between discouraging "interfering parents" and pastoral care, and it sounds like they have it really, fundamentally, wrong.

IIWY (struggling to think because DCs' independent school is so unlike this) I think I would talk to form teacher in the morning - if not satisfied, ask her to set up a meeting with the Head, immediately if possible. They simply cannot knowingly put a 10yo through this sort of stress - it's ludicrous. When something happened to dent my DS's (not great at the best of times) self-esteem due to a communication mess-up in the school, I got separate explanations and apologies from all levels of staff involved, and so did DS.

Private prep school. DS1 aged 10. As I said above, I went into the school last year and actually saw the headmaster at short notice to explain about the fact DS1 was bullied into misdoing and that his form teacher hadn't had time to explain this before the head had meted out detention.

I fully expected the head either to moderate his punishment or adapt it - in the way I'd suggested - by getting DS1 to use his detention time to explore ways of handling bullies. But this never happened and it was at that meeting that I got the distinct impression that parents' shouldn't interfere.

Since then, I've backed off hugely and tried to accept that if you buy into this school, you have to accept that this is their way. I think the school have this attitide that if a child does something wrong, then, whatever the context, they still must accept punishment.

Oh FGS what is this school playing at!

Phone them ask them what is happening. If the punishment isn't carried out by the end of this term, you won't support it being carried out any later and will consider the matter closed.

And you are paying for the privilege of your son's experience .

Writing essays on your wrong doings is a very old fashioned and, I would argue, somewhat ineffective method of correcting undesirable behaviour. Whatever the reason for it!