To wish DSs school would just tell him his punishment and get it over with.

[Solo2]

DS1 (aged 10) accidentally cracked a light fitting at school whilst kicking a football around the changing room with 3 other boys. This is against school rules and he was riven with guilt over the w/e, confessed what had happened to me and was crying on and off all w/e, was sick, developed a migraine and couldn't sleep all night.

I was v pleased that he'd had the courage to confess to me and that he has such an active guilty conscience. However, he'd also been threatened by the ring leader on pain of bullying - not to tell anyone and was v concerned about that. He has been ostracised at school by the 'cool' crowd and was - rather unwisely - trying to get 'in' with the football crowd and feel accepted (long history here).

He decided to confess all at school too and face the consequences. Three of the four boys were called to the headmaster today, as I think they've owned up too but have said that DS was the one who actually caused the accident - which is true. However, they all refused to say who was the one who was threatening the others about disclosing the incident but then turned on DS1 and accused him of this. The headmaster apparently has said he doesn't believe DS was the one who has threatened bullying but that DS1 will have the greatest punishment as it was indeed he who caused the breakage, albeit accidentally. DS1 was crying at the head interview and another of the boys has now spread the word about this, with the 'cool' crowd and DS1 is even more upset.

Although I don't condone DS1 breaking a school rule and consequently damaging a light fitting by accident, I really wish the school would tell him his punishment. DS1 has, since last Thursday now, been tearful, sleepless, now has a nasty flu-like virus, is moody and really, really worried. We think the most likely punishment will be an after school detention plus writing letters of apology and/or me paying for the breakage. But there are only 3 days of term left and two of those wouldn't be possible for the school to do a detention as there's an after school concert and then the last day - leaving only Thursday.

I really need to know, for my own arrangements, if they intend to give him a detention then or if they're going to drag things out into next term. But far more important to me is that I wish they'd just get on with it and let DS and myself know what the intended punishment is, as DS1 has now had several days getting more and more upset and worried.

DS1 is a 'follower' of stronger characters, with low self esteem himself and has been bullied in the past. None of this excuses his misbehaviour but as his mum, I'm finding it really hard to wait this out, whilst I see him suffering so much, to the point of getting physically ill and withdrawing from normal activities and all the fun stuff that's currently happening at school.

AIBU to wish the school would contact me right now and tell me what they intend to do, so that DS1 can face his punishment, rather than worrying so much? He is fantasising that they'll do all sorts of horrible things to him and I just wish he could be 'put out of his misery'.

OK. Should I email the school tonight - ie the form teacher - or just wait till I see her tomorrow? I'm absolutely certain that the school perceive me as interfering because a relative of mine, with several older DCs of her own was married to a school teacher in the past and is clear that school's hate parents like me and I should just back off an never interfere at all.

How long are they at this school? At 11 are you going to try and get them into a more caring school that they will be happy in and not bullied by the teaching staff? Sorry- this sounds to me like a horrible dictatorship with frightened unhappy kids. Something out of the dark ages...

This sounds just appalling! I'd love this school named and shamed, so that anyone thinking of sending their child there knows what kind of regime they operate... I'm presuming that they must have compensating qualities or your children wouldn't be there at all??

Solo
You are paying the school. You are paying the HT's wages.

The days where parents forked out cash and accepted everything that the school did - those days are long gone.

The school will prefer parents who never darken the door, but that is tough luck.

And tbh, I would be seriously thinking about whether this school was the right one if they are so inflexible and unsupportive of your children.

Did I understand this correctly? Even after the HT accepted that your DS did the deed under duress, as he was being bullied, he still made your DS do the punishment?

What does that teach the children other than don't speak up if you are being bullied cause the school will not protect you anyway.

TBH it doesn't really matter if they hate you or not - you pay them.

I would email the form teacher tonight to say that you urgently need to discuss this when you meet her tomorrow, IIWY. You are not, after all, saying that your little darling shouldn't be punished for what he did (which would be interfering), you are asking that they sort themselves out and put the poor boy out of his misery (which is making him ill) and also that they come up with a concrete plan to address the wider issues.

I've now emailed the form teacher and asked if she can tell me tonight what DS1's punishment is going to be and explained that he is very distressed and has been so since before the w/e.

Yes, MmeLindor, you understood it correctly but as some people on MN suggested to me last yr, when i posted about DS1 being punished for being bullied, the school may think that DS1 isn't a helpless victim and is actually more responsible than he makes out. I know DS1 - like any child - is no angel but he's more silly, impulsive, easily influenced rather than a trouble maker or aggressive. His class teachers and subject teachers would agree on this but the headmaster - who doesn't know each child all that well - will only see a child who has done wrong and needs punishing - and that's as far as it goes.

I don't have much constructive to add, other than this school sounds terrible, very uncaring, and not at all child orientated.

After school detention in primary school?? I've never heard of children of this age being given after school detentions! Maybe play time detention at worst!

I agree with children taking responsibility for their actions, and taking the concequences - but with in reason for their age! At 10, missing a play time and having to do jobs at home to pay for the repair of the light sounds more than reasonable to me.

And the other children at the school sound utterly hideous from what you have described. I wouldn't be happy with the situation at all.

I really feel for you to be honest. I guess pulling him out in his last year before high school would be too much, but it would be what I would want to do.

OK. Just had an email back from the form teacher who says the headmaster is dealing with the incident and she'll see if he can come in to our prearranged other meeting tomorrow morning.

She can't tell me the punishment lined up for DS1 but did say that his honesty had been creditable and that they needed to find out more about the other boy threatening things if anyone/DS1 confessed anything.

I think there's nothing more i can do tonight except comfort DS1. The thing is, this is panning out like a repetition of last year where the form teacher was sympathetic and knew DS1 at least a little bit (didn't teach him for anything though) but was overridden by the headmaster. I'm afraid something similar will happen here too, no matter what the form teacher says or wants.

Except, OP, that she does sound stronger. If she drags invites the Head to your meeting then he has to say whatever he has to say in front of her - and if he demonstrates his lack of understanding of your DS1 (how big is the school, BTW - DCs' headmaster knows every child pretty well?) then IIWY, I would be saying "so, Mrs X, given that you know DS1 well, do you agree that is the best plan of action?" - put her on the spot.

Good Luck - and tell DS1 he has MN on his side

I would be very seriously considering moving my child from this school, because of the unresolved bullying and the rigidity.

I feel like crying for your poor son. He's far too young for this kind of treatment :(
My 9 year old DS doesn't have a care in the world right now, he is sat here watching the smurfs with me, and is happy as a pig in muck - that is how childhood should be. Misdemeanors are punshied when necessary, and then left and not bought back to the surface. Your poor son sounds like the school are giving him a dogs life.

If I were you, I would punish him yourself, and tell the school this is what you have chosen to do - and they are not to punish him a second time, as you felt they took far too long to address the matter, causing unnecessary distress to your son.

You have to get it sorted tomorrow, the poor lad is suffering, he didn't do it on purpose, if they haven't punished him by the end of term then tell the school they've missed their chance and reassure your child.

I think it's terrible he's been allowed to suffer like this. It should have been dealt with that day or the day after - i.e. the end of last week. It's Wednesday tomorrow and you're having to chase them to find out about punishment! I'd seriously think about moving him. It's too inflexible a place and HT sounds an arse.

I'd be voting with a withdrawal of wallet at the first available opportunity, OP. Can't believe any parent would buy into an ethos like this, and there must be academic schools with better pastoral care available.

solo I didn't read your thread last year about the bullying, but that is a separate issue.

I would also suggest that at this stage you will not be supporting the punishment.

If you were unhappy last year, why is he still at the school? What is the state alternative? If that's no good is there another private school?

AFAIAC, whatever benefits your son receives by being a a private school are being far outweighed by the overall negative experience.

Poor poor boy.

The HT sounds very odd.

4 children were playing football.
1 child made threats to the others.
Your DS confessed - to you, then apologised to the school.
The HT is punishing your DS most severely because it was his kick that damaged property.

So really he is punishing your DS most severely for being a bad shot, isn't he? Which is laughable and I think you should be pointing this out to the HT.

It doesn't sound like your DS' are being well served by this school - if both of them are being 'demoted' in maths then they're not even doing that well academically. Can you give the term's notice and find places for them in a state school/other, more supportive, private school?

I'm with leeloo.

Give them a deadline.Punishment to be carried out before Friday and a line drawn under the incident.

Don't know what your plans post 11 are for the DCs? Presumably this isn't a prep that goes up to 13 and prepares for common entrance etc? If they are moving school for year 7 up then IIRC exams for local independents are likely to be January, and after that, really in the greater scheme of things who cares? They will start a new school in September.

Why not give notice now - then withdraw them as of the easter holidays to a state school or another prep with a decent caring ethos. Either way the academic pressure will be generally lifted (state schools will have done SATS and independents the entrance exams) and there will be fun stuff happening. THis school is making your DS so miserable isn't it.

(or you could "home school" for a term and spend it just doing self esteem building stuff- hmm that's a thought, but I guess impossible if you are paying to school two DS then you probably work full time)

I'm going to be flamed for this, but tbh I'm disgusted you've allowed this to happen. This happened on Thursday, it's Tuesday evening and you don't have it sorted?
Why are your sons at such a horrid, uncaring school? They'll remember this, you know. They'll remember every horrific minute they spent in the place. I know lots of people who's still have issues due to being bullied at school...by pupils or teachers.
What do you want from the education you are paying so much for? Good jobs? Or happy, well rounded individuals?
Step up as a mother and SORT THIS OUT.

Are you taking anyone with you to the meeting? I would have someone there to document what is said. Frankly this all sounds like torture for your poor son. Yes I am a teacher and yes bad behaviour has consequences but this is just inhumane. So this happened last week. Give a detention or whatever and move on. All this calling into the heads office sounds like a HT on a power trip. Do you know what the grievance procedures are for this school?
If bullying happens-what is their policy and who is responsible for implementing it?

I'd be very interested to hear what attracted OP to this dubious establishment in the first place. And are the boys lined up to go to the senior section? Same head or not? Same ethos?

Trouble is, if OP took it for granted that the boys would be going to the senior school, she may not have completed her LA forms and the deadline is well past.

This place is a complete anachronism, and seems to be run by a petty little dictator who cannot believe that anyone but him is ever right.

Get them out.

It sounds absolutely hideous OP. Honestly, a school that makes it clear it does not welcome contact from parents, pays no heed to your concerns that your child is being bullied and pressurised into wrongdoing and finally sees fit to overreact to a really very mundane accident by delaying a punishment for days on end. I would object in the strongest possible way to this treatment of your DS. The school is failing him. In these circumstances this would be the final straw for me, I would withdraw my DC at the earliest opportunity while he still has some self esteem left. I hope your meeting goes well, don't be intimidated by them, they are making your sons life a misery.