To wish DSs school would just tell him his punishment and get it over with.

[Solo2]

DS1 (aged 10) accidentally cracked a light fitting at school whilst kicking a football around the changing room with 3 other boys. This is against school rules and he was riven with guilt over the w/e, confessed what had happened to me and was crying on and off all w/e, was sick, developed a migraine and couldn't sleep all night.

I was v pleased that he'd had the courage to confess to me and that he has such an active guilty conscience. However, he'd also been threatened by the ring leader on pain of bullying - not to tell anyone and was v concerned about that. He has been ostracised at school by the 'cool' crowd and was - rather unwisely - trying to get 'in' with the football crowd and feel accepted (long history here).

He decided to confess all at school too and face the consequences. Three of the four boys were called to the headmaster today, as I think they've owned up too but have said that DS was the one who actually caused the accident - which is true. However, they all refused to say who was the one who was threatening the others about disclosing the incident but then turned on DS1 and accused him of this. The headmaster apparently has said he doesn't believe DS was the one who has threatened bullying but that DS1 will have the greatest punishment as it was indeed he who caused the breakage, albeit accidentally. DS1 was crying at the head interview and another of the boys has now spread the word about this, with the 'cool' crowd and DS1 is even more upset.

Although I don't condone DS1 breaking a school rule and consequently damaging a light fitting by accident, I really wish the school would tell him his punishment. DS1 has, since last Thursday now, been tearful, sleepless, now has a nasty flu-like virus, is moody and really, really worried. We think the most likely punishment will be an after school detention plus writing letters of apology and/or me paying for the breakage. But there are only 3 days of term left and two of those wouldn't be possible for the school to do a detention as there's an after school concert and then the last day - leaving only Thursday.

I really need to know, for my own arrangements, if they intend to give him a detention then or if they're going to drag things out into next term. But far more important to me is that I wish they'd just get on with it and let DS and myself know what the intended punishment is, as DS1 has now had several days getting more and more upset and worried.

DS1 is a 'follower' of stronger characters, with low self esteem himself and has been bullied in the past. None of this excuses his misbehaviour but as his mum, I'm finding it really hard to wait this out, whilst I see him suffering so much, to the point of getting physically ill and withdrawing from normal activities and all the fun stuff that's currently happening at school.

AIBU to wish the school would contact me right now and tell me what they intend to do, so that DS1 can face his punishment, rather than worrying so much? He is fantasising that they'll do all sorts of horrible things to him and I just wish he could be 'put out of his misery'.

Not sure why to OP is so defensive of a school that is making her lads so miserable

Because when people ask she can tell them her DS/DCs(?) go to private school..?

Woah...FolkGirl, that's a bit presumptive! Anyway, I can understand why people are saying just take the DCs out of the school. Based on my OP and others about concerns here, I'm presenting the most negative aspects of the school from our family's perspective.

However, as we all know, no school is perfect and what's a problem at one school may not be one at another but you can bet there are also different issues at other schools. I've looked at several other local schools and all have their difficult 'culture', difficult teacher, problems with bullying or - in senior schools - with drugs, violence, too much academic pressure or the opposite - where children who want to do well are sneered at and bullied.

Of course I keep looking at other options but as my DCs only have 2 terms left here - before they move to the senior part which is a different site, different head etc etc, I'm waiting to see how things pan out in Yr 7 and beyond.

If you talked to 10 different parents from any school, each would describe a different experience as each has a child who is different and elicits different experiences. DT2 for example, is extremely happy at the school and it fits him perfectly. He's never been in trouble and has a strong group of friends who are equally 'little professor' types, who declare things like "it's cool to be a geek!". His only issue really is that he's overly conscientious and worries about work, especially maths.

So it's really DT1 I've considered moving and each time I've discussed this tentatively with him, he's been absolutely adamant that he doesn't want to leave, doesn't want to leave his friends (he has several friends but no best friend these days and of course struggled since Yr 5 with friendships) and doesn't want to leave his twin.

It's not easy to take one twin away from a school and leave the other there, if neither wants to be separated. There are so many factors to consider and too many things to write about in a MN message.

But as most of you can imagine, I'd have moved both DTs long ago if there weren't lots of positive reasons to stay and if there also weren't lots of problems with other schools I've considered. It's hard to convery subtleties on MN. I do have my DTs best interests at heart - hence my concerns here and my ongoing considerations about what the right thing to do is.

Oh yes- the senior school- where they go on to 3 hours homework a night.

Yes, SOME parents of DCs in the seniors report it as v pressured with 3 hrs HW a night. SOME parents have said it's a breeze because for the first yr there, they wait for extrenal children joining the school to catch up with the academic level of the junior pupils and so those from the juniors rest and relax that whole year.

I really don't know what it'll be like - maybe somehwere in the middle between these 2 extremes - and maybe one DT will have a v different experience of it than the other. I just don't yet know. I hope it's better for DT1 than the juniors has been.

I'll continue to do the best I can for my DCs, as we all do. I probably will continue to worry about them, as we all do to some extent. I'll probably continue to post on MN about my concerns. You seem v polarised in your views and it makes me wonder what experiences you or your DCs have had that incite the protective mother in you - which I'm sure is the basis of your responses. Thanks for being so frank with your views.

I value this forum to off load my concerns and get many perspectives.

I went to the same type of school as your dcs. I bloody hated it until I was 25 since then I have thought what a wonderful opportunity my parentsgave me. For starters you only have your sons version..... I bet he enjoyed kicking the ball where it wasn't allowed. Secondly that type of school you cannot say the others made me do it ( I went to an all girls school). They treat you more like an adult.

Is it right? I can only say it worked for me. Can you get a tutor for maths and help develop outside school sporting prowess ? Eg judo classes.

ITs a great opportunity you are giving you children ( but I dont like the man type remark)

Man up type remark. They have high expectations and it isn't easy but very few things in life are.

solo2 . Unfortunately, I do know a family like this. . The state schools round by us are fantastic, outstanding or good with outstanding features; very supportive parents and hardworking PTAs which mean lot of extra money and lot of extra opportunities for the children etc. etc. So there's no real benefit to them choosing private where we are. However, they have remortgaged the house and are now in all sorts of financial trouble just so that they can tick that box of middle class credentials. Some people do do it!

Having read the rest of your post, it does sound like you have a tough decision to make, but you are the parent and whilst you can take your DCs feelings into account, children have a very short sighted view of things, we, as parents, need to play a longer game. Only you know your DC and the school. Good luck to you and your DCs with whatever you decide.

Just hoping that last paragraph didn't sound .

You're right, we all worry, we all have experiences that inform how we view and respond to different situations.

What activities is your DS involved in that would improve his self esteem? Does he do sport? Music?

Moving children's schools is a huge decision, I was told it sets them back a round six months educationally. I understand your reasons OP FWIW been there and got the T-shirt.

FolkGirl, DT1 adores drama/performing arts and also adventurous pursuits - eg fire-making/ whittling sticks with knives, making dens etc. He's v into music as well, although practises v little - but 'gets away with' little practice and is in a school orchestra and a choir - again at school.

All of these interests are part of why he doesn't want to leave the school as he recently got a starring role in what will be the top yr end of school production and also belongs to the school adventure society which does even more exciting things in the senior part of the school. Whilst I know other places outside his school could equally provide these things, he's already deeply involved in these in the school setting with various friends too.

He USED to adore horse riding - which he did outside school but I've had to stop DCs lessons as I can't afford to continue with this.

He likes IT stuff/ technology and the school again has fantastic facilities for this and also a great music technology department. He loves doing animations in IT lessons and at home, loves media club - making movies etc. In fact his extracurricular activities are all provided at school because it has such good facilities.

We have so little time outside school for additional activities that - for better or worse - the DCs interests are catered for within school.

Another thing he's really good at is helping out with the younger children (he'll make a great parent oneday) and again the school provides an opportunity for him with this too - as he helps the younger years with their drama club.

Part of the issue for him has been that he neither falls into the 'macho'/footballer/sporty testosterone-filled 'cool' clique but nor does he fit into the geeky, little professor type, gifted/mega-bright clique like his twin does. So he's searching for his own niche. In the seniors, the current cohort of 73 children will be joined by another 60 children and then again in Yr 9, another 60 new children will also join. There's a good chance that DT1 will find the greater number of children provides more like-minded friends who are neither mega-studious/bright nor mega-macho/cool. Of course in time, he may start interacting with the girls too and is likely to attract many more females than DT2 (DT1 has great good looks! DT2 is more like me!!) - but that's years away and probably not helpful to him at age 10!

Well it sounds like he does plenty of things to improve his confidence and self esteem, singing being one of the best things for this. He sounds a lot like my son actually - they definitely share some interests!

It does sound as though it is certain aspects of the culture of his school that do not sit comfortably with him and I can completely see why you wouldn't want to take him away from the positive aspects of the environment.

I also completely understand the not falling into a clique, DS was a little bit like this at primary (and a little 'sensitive') but certainly not with the added aspects you describe which is why I was so about it. I know how difficult it can be for a more sensitive child and, whilst I do think there is a point at which it becomes an issue for boys and girls, I certainly don't agree with anyone suggesting young children should 'man up'! Sometimes it does seem to be a lot more acceptable for boys to be aggressive and naughty than it does for them to be quiet and a bit sensitive. My MIL observed recently that DS loves reading and then offered some platitude as though she were apologising for exposing a flaw!

If it reassures you at all, my DS is now at secondary school and has completely found his niche with the creative types. He doesn't have loads of friends, but does have a small group of really lovely ones - 12 and 13 year old boys who are just like him. Having the opportunity to mix with lots of fresh people will certainly introduce him to new friends.

I don't know what the answer is until the end of term. But I can see that the sticking it out side of it is worth doing.