To wish DSs school would just tell him his punishment and get it over with.

[Solo2]

DS1 (aged 10) accidentally cracked a light fitting at school whilst kicking a football around the changing room with 3 other boys. This is against school rules and he was riven with guilt over the w/e, confessed what had happened to me and was crying on and off all w/e, was sick, developed a migraine and couldn't sleep all night.

I was v pleased that he'd had the courage to confess to me and that he has such an active guilty conscience. However, he'd also been threatened by the ring leader on pain of bullying - not to tell anyone and was v concerned about that. He has been ostracised at school by the 'cool' crowd and was - rather unwisely - trying to get 'in' with the football crowd and feel accepted (long history here).

He decided to confess all at school too and face the consequences. Three of the four boys were called to the headmaster today, as I think they've owned up too but have said that DS was the one who actually caused the accident - which is true. However, they all refused to say who was the one who was threatening the others about disclosing the incident but then turned on DS1 and accused him of this. The headmaster apparently has said he doesn't believe DS was the one who has threatened bullying but that DS1 will have the greatest punishment as it was indeed he who caused the breakage, albeit accidentally. DS1 was crying at the head interview and another of the boys has now spread the word about this, with the 'cool' crowd and DS1 is even more upset.

Although I don't condone DS1 breaking a school rule and consequently damaging a light fitting by accident, I really wish the school would tell him his punishment. DS1 has, since last Thursday now, been tearful, sleepless, now has a nasty flu-like virus, is moody and really, really worried. We think the most likely punishment will be an after school detention plus writing letters of apology and/or me paying for the breakage. But there are only 3 days of term left and two of those wouldn't be possible for the school to do a detention as there's an after school concert and then the last day - leaving only Thursday.

I really need to know, for my own arrangements, if they intend to give him a detention then or if they're going to drag things out into next term. But far more important to me is that I wish they'd just get on with it and let DS and myself know what the intended punishment is, as DS1 has now had several days getting more and more upset and worried.

DS1 is a 'follower' of stronger characters, with low self esteem himself and has been bullied in the past. None of this excuses his misbehaviour but as his mum, I'm finding it really hard to wait this out, whilst I see him suffering so much, to the point of getting physically ill and withdrawing from normal activities and all the fun stuff that's currently happening at school.

AIBU to wish the school would contact me right now and tell me what they intend to do, so that DS1 can face his punishment, rather than worrying so much? He is fantasising that they'll do all sorts of horrible things to him and I just wish he could be 'put out of his misery'.

YABU. He broke the schools light switch, so he's already inconvenienced them enough. If you do something wrong, you have to await your fate I'm afraid. Why should the school be inconvenienced by you badgering them about your sons punishment when the headmaster is obviously busy with end of term arrangments and have a hell of alot more on then wondering when to give your DS detention!
He has to wait until the school finds a convenient time for them! If another chiild had broke the lights and your DS was scared of the dark, I'd bet you be pissed off that your kid had to change in the dark until it was fixed and wouldn't have any sympathy for the one who broke it!
He shouldn't of been mucking about, despite trying to fit in with the crowd etc you need to wait and see what the school says.

This is ridiculous. I can't believe you are even considering sending your sons to the secondary school. You are paying for them to go to what sounds like a Victorian institution; do they use the cane? Please, seriously consider pulling them out at the end of this school year and sending them somewhere where they actually care about the children.

PLEASE will you try to think clearly about why you want your boys in this ghastly place? Every time you post it sounds worse. And more to the point, your boys sound more and more unhappy and stressed. Bollocks to "they need to man up". What, and become domineering, emotionally repressed bullies like this awful, rude, truly ghastly head reacher.
I asked you once to tell me something good about the school. If I remember correctly, you said your boys like tihe drama and the Adventure Club. Doesn't seem much to make up for being miserable for the rest of the time.

Stand up for your boys. Show them you are on their side. Show them that they are important. Move them.

JAMW, I didn't badger the school about DS1's punishment. DS1 waited 5 days and nights and by last night was really very distressed. I do understand that the school is busy right now but it could easily have been dealt with last Friday when DS1 voluntarily told a teacher that he thought he might be responsible for a cracked light casing.

Presumably right then and there - and without it all going to the headmaster - that same teacher could have said - how did it happen and why? and then told him off and then told him a consequence - eg your mum will have to pay for the casing/you'll have to stay in at lunchtime today and write an apology letter.

It was so drawn out that DS1 was in a terrible state and I do think this could have been avoided. Incidentally, he didn't break a light or a switch. He cracked - without it breaking off - a fitting around a fluorescent light strip, so all lights still work in there.

Re. all comments about why I send my DCs to this school - I've been over them before in other threads but essentially, having looked at all the other local options - state and private - this one has much more going for it than the others in lots of ways. Got to get back to work now.

"It was so drawn out that DS1 was in a terrible state"

But tbh, that´s hardly the fault of the school.

And you could surely reassure him that it would be lines, detention, or some such?

I´d be much more concerned about him trying to get into another "cool" group after being ousted from one, rather than just make his own friends.

It sounds like you have all had a difficult time. Hopefully you will be able to have some fun time together when the school finishes.

My son has been told by his teacher not to be so sensitive. Why is it a negative thing to be sensitive?

I think tbh, if you've done maybe 8 years there already, you may as well hang on to see if the senior part's better.

Wrt the friend situation, I would remind him that there will be lots of new boys next year he can make friends with. Can you find some people after the exams who are coming in from different schools perhaps? In the meantime, would his brother look out for him a bit, or does he have his own group of friends?

You are what you are (worries and all), and your children are what they are.

It may be that the school seems like the best fit considering that most schools aren't a perfect fit. You may well be right to hang on for another year, and see whether things improve. They may be going through a bad patch. Year 6/7is quite an emotional transition.

It may be that it is a perfectly good school for the reasons you have previously outlined. But then you have to stop wringing your hands over various issues, and give the dss the impression that you are happy, nay even relaxed, about the school and its policies. That you don't find homework stressful, that you don't find fees stressful, that you don't feel anxiety about the attitudes of the teachers, or the social politics. None of this is going to help them feel relaxed and happy. I think you are putting too much on their shoulders. Perhaps it is only coming out on Mumsnet, but I think you should give them more credit for being sensitive to your emotions.

In a way the rules are there to make things clearer for the children, so that they don't have to stress, not to wind you up. If the framework in which they are educated is just a torment of trying to work out why and how everything is arranged, for you and something for the children to worry about that sort of defeats the the schools' whole ethos, which is presumably to make the children independent thinkers within a safe structured environment.

I was always struck by in my children's primary (state) how they at least knew what was expected of them, even if I didn't... Your ds1 seems to be very torn between different expectations, yours and the school's almost as if he doesn't know who his master is.

Your Ds is only 10. He's not old enough to know what alternatives there are to his present school. Why would he want to change? All he can comment on is that various aspects of the current situation do not suit him. Or he is acting out his feelings. There may be all sorts of other reasons for his behaviour that do not lie within the remit of school. The school may be making things worse of course, but I think there is clearly a lot going on in his life. I would be wary of scapegoating the school for EVERYTHING and expecting them to solve every issue your son has.

daveywarbeck Yeah of course there good state and private schools. I was being a bit cheeky because most people send their children to private schools because they believe they are superior to state schools.

I'd love to hear what the positives to OP's school are - it certainly seems to be lacking in pastoral care!

"Re. all comments about why I send my DCs to this school - I've been over them before in other threads but essentially, having looked at all the other local options - state and private - this one has much more going for it than the others in lots of ways. Got to get back to work now."

You haven't, you know. Why are you persisting with something that s making your children unhappy for no benefit that I can see?

Do you know Solo I can't bear the thought that you are heading for the Xmas hols with all these worries.
The punishment is set, the slate is wiped, and I want you just to try and enjoy being with boys, and any other friends, without thinking too much any more about all this school stuff - because it would do anyone's head in. The more time you have in hols just relaxing the more chance that ds1 will go back refreshed and with HIGH self esteem. The more perspective you will get on everything.

It is after all, a light fitting.

Don't beat yourself up about all the bad things that have happened, just think positively about what a great job you are doing and believe it. Try and get kids involved in helping you, let them see what a help they are, don't just praise them for what they achieve at school but for things they do at home. Little things. Don't burden them with worries about their education; I'm sure you don't but as I said before children are v. sensitive.

what is he so worried about.It's only going to be a detention not a public flogging! he's playing you for sympathy.

You know, I remember your previous posts complaining about this school. You're the lady with twin DSs and there was some problem with being moved into different sets for Maths, yes?

Sorry to be harsh, but you were told then by most people that the school was harsh and uncaring and probably not suitable for your DCs. The school does not seem to take your concerns seriously at all, although they are happy to take your money. You are allowing them to take you for a mug.

You should step up as a good parent and remove your DSs from this awful place. They should not have these kinds of worries at such a young age.

Otherwise I hope you are ready to apologise to your DSs when they are grown up and ask you 'Mum, why did you allow us to have a miserable childhood being bullied by other kids and the teachers as well, what was it all for?'.

I hope the true answer isn't going to be 'Because I was a petty snob and couldn't bear you be educated in the state system darlings. Everyone SAID your school was wonderful, so I knew it must be for the best.'

When I was 11 years old, I walked over a patch of grass that was strictly forbidden to walk on. Now, as an adult, I cannot even imagine why that particular patch of grass in the playground was out of bounds, but it was.

I was being followed by a group of boys who were teasing me. They used to call me "Spiderwitch" for some reason - presumably because it upset me.

Half my class was on the grass when our form teacher came out and shouted at us. We were taken into school and scolded.

The boys were given the strap (this was a long time ago when this was still permitted) and the girls were told that we would get the strap on Monday. This happened on Friday.

Our weekend was ruined. I was teary and upset all weekend, until my mother finally made me confess what the problem was.

My mum was always the "Oh, well the teacher knows best, you really have to do what they tell you" type so it came as a massive surprise when she went tearing into school on the Monday. I had never seen her so enraged. She was a Tiger Mother.

She gave the teacher what for, she gave the HT what for.

I have never ever forgotten that feeling, the knowledge that she was there for me, that she was fighting in my corner. The love and protection.

I am telling you this, to explain my reaction to your thread and to ask you to think carefully about this school and your acceptance of their strict rules and regulations. Particularly their implication that parents should be neither seen nor heard, unless they are paying the school fees.

IF you are convinced that this is the right school for your boys, do not hesitate to go into school and get involved.

MmeLindor What a great mum you have!

spiderpig, because he didn't know what his punishment was going to be. If it was a simple detention he would have expected the HT to say "you've got detention" as part of the discussion. By leaving it hanging the boy had no idea what was coming and the longer it's left the worse it is. Knowing how close it was to end of term, he probably imagined losing his Christmas activities!

This thread makes me sad. That school sounds horrible. It sounds like you are trying so hard to do the right thing for your kids, and to be a decent person at the same time. But in the process, you are putting up with too much - it seems pretty clear that they do not respect you as a parent (possibly, as you suggest, the fact that you are a single mother plays into that - which is disgusting too!).

Then there's you, wondering if you aren't raising your kids to be tough enough. Your poor son sounds really unhappy - don't think twice about other people telling you he needs to toughen up. Instead, look for a place he can be happy - being bullied by peers might be a sad fact of life that he can learn skills to cope with - but being bullied by teachers or by an institution does not and should not be a fact of life. That place sounds like exactly the kind of environment where bullying flourishes, and keeping parents at arm's length goes right along with that. The fact that the HT described the other boy as "charismatic and powerful" speaks volumes - those are words of admiration. I would not let my kid stay in a school where bullying qualities were admired over honesty, empathy, and kindness. Fuck that.

FGS YADNBU! Your son broke a light accidentally, granted he shouldn't have been doing what he was. But surely this is not an incident to warrant the drama the school is making over it.

I'm sorry to say this OP, but it seems to me that this school is more interested in the money that you are paying in fees than your son's well being! If they have willingly dragged this on with full knowledge of the emotional effects it has had on your son, then that is terrible.

If the head and other members of staff are going to dismiss your input on this situation then I would consider taking him and his brother out of the school (not just for this incident but for the others you have spoken about.) At the end of the day, you have a right to some power over how your son is educated and punished at school.

It sounds like your son is very miserable at this school, no child should be made to feel sick and worried to go to school and what the head said to him about "manning up" is totally unacceptable and I am for you and your son.

Oh Ok

Well I do see where spiderpig is coming from-just because he hasn´t been told yet that it´s a detention doesn´t mean that it won´t be.

He´s not going to be physically punished/humiliated in front of the whole school.

I´m surprised that OP hasn´t managed to reassure him to some extent.

Folkmum
She is, but it wasn't till much later that I really appreciated that.

Diddl
No, but the threat of a punishment is scary for a child - "wait till your father gets home" - it causes uncertainty.

Depends on the child, but I can remember feeling sick and not wanting to go to school.

But Mme, you thought that you would get the strap-OP can at least reassure her son that that won´t happen-& that there are only certain punishments that it will be.

Read that as the strap-on

Delayed punishment is wrong, no matter what the punishment is because the thought of the sanction is often worse than the actual deed.

Like being scared of going to the dentist, even though you know that you will have painkillers/anaesthetic

Leaving this thread now.

Not sure why to OP is so defensive of a school that is making her lads so miserable. Why she puts going to this school above somewhere they might actually be happy, sleep at night, have friends and thrive. i'm suer they "like" the school because they are very aware they have to. THey don't see any option because it has been chosen as "the best" school for them.

I'n afraid it is the bully culture of the stereotypical independent school of old, and I thought we were now raising our boys in a more appropriate manner.

"man up" at 10 [hum]