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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is out of order regarding dd, and what should i do about it

115 replies

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:18

yesterday when dh arrived home from work around 6pm, dd 4.5 didn't give him a big welcome, she just sort of ignorned him, he expects the big 'daddy your home' big hugs response.

so dh goes upstairs to get changed as he does everyday when he gets home, and dd follows asking for tickles.

dh went on to lecture her about how hes not going to play with her or give her tickles as she ignorned him when he got home.

and he didnt play with her or give her tickles

the dd came downstairs in tears saying daddy wont play with me

i had a go at him, telling him, not not refuse to play with her just because she doesnt behave like a show pony, giving him a big welcome home, i told him i dont always get an enthuastic greeting when i collect her from school but i certainly dont let it effect the way i treat her.

he got really pissed off and said lets talk about this later, which we didnt after dd went to bed as i went to bed early as i'm not very well atm.

so im going to have to talk to him about it tonight.

its like hes manipulating her to behave exactly as he thinks she should

OP posts:
ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 14:21

Tell him to grow the fuck up - he's behaving much more childishly than she is

marzipananimal · 13/12/2011 14:22

Not great from him but was he just having a bad day or is there other behaviour like this that concerns you?

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 14:23

Totally out of order OP. Control issues here me thinks.

WibblyBibble · 13/12/2011 14:23

Yeah, he's a knob. He isn't entitled to have kids who act like hollywood kids just to stroke his ego. Does he really want her to grow up and feel so forced to act and show appreciation of men that she end up going out with a knobber like him and thinking the sun shines out of his arse because he's male?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 14:23

He is the adult and she the child BUT it is manner to at least say 'hello' to a returning family member and your daughter is certainly old enough to know that and behave accordingly.

wannaBe · 13/12/2011 14:24

tell him to grow up.

wahwahwah · 13/12/2011 14:24

She's only little! What does he expect, a fanfare? Maybe he just had a bad day at work and was looking forward to a big friendly welcome when he got home.

DH is the same! I have to remind him that in the life of a small child, almost anything can be more fascinating than daddy walking through the door! Remind him that she is still in that little bubble world that children inhabit, and not to knock her spirit (a wazzy way of saying this but I can't quite get the right words!).

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 14:25

He is being unreasonable to have such a massive childish strop over the actions of a 4 year old. She was probably just engrossed in whatever she was playing with or something.

MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 14:26

Make him read this particularly no. 2

And tell him to think about whether he wants genuine emotions from his daughter or manipulative gestures - cause that is what he is teaching her with his behaviour.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 13/12/2011 14:27

He's being a knob. Did he have a bad day? Is there something worrying him at work?

If he's normally an affectionate and loving dad it's probable that something happened at work to put him in a foul mood and that rebounded on your poor DD. Not ideal but probably not the end of the world.

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:29

yes he expects a fanfare!

i'm really cross about it.

thing is today im kind of dreading dd doing as hes told her, making abig fuss of him, so he will play with her.

he is also teacher her to be sulky and stroppy if she doesn't get her way really as well.

shes only 4.5 ffs.

i'm having it out with him tonight.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 14:30

Good grief!

  1. He needs to grow up.

  2. He also needs to look at the message he is sending her.

  3. It would be polite of her to say "hello" but she is only 4.5 and is only just learning our social conventions. Sometimes she might forget, or deem them unimportant. Because she has not yet learned that there are somethings we always do!

  4. There is not necessarily a need for a big show of affection so perhaps encourage her to think about how it made daddy feel when she didn't say "hello"...

  5. Then encourage daddy to think about how his rejection of his daughter might have made her feel... Perhaps he could start by reflecting on how her perceived rejection of him made him feel Hmm

  6. and then he needs to grow up (again)!

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 14:34

maybe tonight you should do a welcome home daddy banner for him get your dd to put glitter on it ! hes being immature and needs a bit of a slap about the head sent to his bed without any dinner so he can think about his behaviour , Dont go into a hooha about it i would laugh at him if he was my husband hes being a pillock ,

also on the serious side he cant play with his little girls emotions like that , its cruel

verytellytubby · 13/12/2011 14:35

He really needs to grow up. Good luck with your chat.

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:37

he has done this before, told her off for not giving him a big hug/welcome.

ive said to him, wouldn't you rather feel that when she gives you a hug its because she wants to, rather than is forced to, and then he starts going will talk about this later, he didnt like the fact i pulled him up on his behaviour in friont of dd, but im fucked if im going to stand there while he reduces dd to tears because he wont play with her.
because she didnt give him some huge greeting.

he has very high expectations of how she should behave in general.

i know she is extremely well behaved for her age group as i mix with alot more children then he does.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 13/12/2011 14:38

Did she completely ignore him or did she not "give him a big welcome"?
Hope you will resolve this tonight.

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 14:41

MmeLindor How true.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 14:41

Did he go to her and ask her for a hug and she said no?

Or is the poor little girl expected to remember this routine and perform it spontaneously?

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 14:41

Your husband is a knob, it would seem.

How fucking childish Hmm

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:42

well it was quite late for her as i think it was gone 6pm, and she was half watching something on tv, i don't think she said hello.
can't 100% remember

but sometimes she comes out of school and doent have a big kiss or hug for me, and i wouldnt even think of telling her off for it or punishing her for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:43

no he didn't ask her for a hug, the poor little girl expected to remember this routine and perform it spontaneously.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 13/12/2011 14:45

I think it's really tricky that moment when you get in from work. I tend to be quite unreasonable for the first five-ten mins till I've readjusted to being home and kids can be really annoying wanting to play straightaway. Course they can't be like in the movies, but we are so mis-sold them and it can be a pisser that it's often take-take rather than the big idyllic welcome home hug. So while I agree he's BU, I do understand and don't think it's that much of a big deal. Sure your DD won't be emotionally scarred by realising her dad's not a movie wonderful dad either.

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:45

mme thanks for the link, i totally agree with that, i'll ask him to read that tonight.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 14:46

But did he drop his briefcase and umbrella, casually cast aside his trilby and announce "Hi honey, I'm home" with a winning smile and a swing in his step?

The dance involves more than just one 4 year old!

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 14:48

No pinkdelight, but she might learn that her daddy's love for her is conditional on her behaving in a certain way.

(Disclaimer: not advocating unconditional parenting bollocks here Grin)