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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is out of order regarding dd, and what should i do about it

115 replies

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:18

yesterday when dh arrived home from work around 6pm, dd 4.5 didn't give him a big welcome, she just sort of ignorned him, he expects the big 'daddy your home' big hugs response.

so dh goes upstairs to get changed as he does everyday when he gets home, and dd follows asking for tickles.

dh went on to lecture her about how hes not going to play with her or give her tickles as she ignorned him when he got home.

and he didnt play with her or give her tickles

the dd came downstairs in tears saying daddy wont play with me

i had a go at him, telling him, not not refuse to play with her just because she doesnt behave like a show pony, giving him a big welcome home, i told him i dont always get an enthuastic greeting when i collect her from school but i certainly dont let it effect the way i treat her.

he got really pissed off and said lets talk about this later, which we didnt after dd went to bed as i went to bed early as i'm not very well atm.

so im going to have to talk to him about it tonight.

its like hes manipulating her to behave exactly as he thinks she should

OP posts:
mrsjay · 13/12/2011 15:39

carrie ah thats where your going wrong you should run to the door shouting ive missed you so much would you like a Gn T whilst shouting on dd who should be sparkley clean that daddy is home Grin

will read tomorrow to see how the chat went , I wouldnt go into the emotional damage thing id just tell him he was a knob !

MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 15:40

OldeChestnut
Huh? What does that have to do with the way in which Carrie's DH greets their DD?

He is an adult. If he wants more attention, maybe he should treat his family with more respect.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 15:41

Carrie, I am sorry, I did not realize you had married a baby! Shock

your dp is BU.

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 15:44

Hahahahaha MarriedABabi :o

MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 15:45

Hahaha. You need to namechange.

CarrieMarriedABabi

:o

Then HIDE this thread in case he snoops. Does he snoop?

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:45

lol at marriedababi!!!

OP posts:
stuffedauberginexmasdinner · 13/12/2011 15:46

why is he so desperate for attention and affection from a 4yo?

She doesn't exist to please him.

He sounds very creepy to me and your statement about him policing your internet usage seems to confirm this.

What is he like in other respects?

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:47

yes he does see my threads from time to time, and he has seen threads with me 'slagging him off' and he gets really annoyed if he thinks ive been slagging him off on mumsnet

when im only trying to find the best way to deal with situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:48

i wouldn't say he snoops on purpose, but i could do something like leave this screen open on this page, and he might see
im actually on his laptop atm as mine has a virus.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 13/12/2011 15:49

He sounds like a total child himself!

However, it isn't teaching your dd to be a people pleaser if you encourage a "Hello Daddy" when he gets in. Watching television is no excuse for ignoring his arrival. Not that the simple courtesy of greeting anyone who comes through the door should be reserved solely for Daddies!

I expected my dcs to acknowledge the arrival of everyone. But I certainly didn't expect them to follow this with a ridiculous song and dance of a greeting. Especially at the very time of day when they were going to be at their most tired.

If I were you, I'd point your dh in the direction of reality.

Pandemoniaa · 13/12/2011 15:50

PS. But wtf are you doing encouraging him to control your use of the internet let alone reading your topics on here. It is none of his business what you write on MN. Even if it is about him!

lottiegb · 13/12/2011 15:51

Ugh, this makes me shudder, which probably isn't fair on you OP. It's the inculcation of an expectation of performing for men in order to gain their attention and approval. Learning to behave falsely to achieve this and not to communicate honestly. Yuck and double yuck. Is he deliberately trying to develop low self-esteem and poor relationship choices in your daughter?

Being polite and showing adults respect is good. It's learnt by example, from mutually respectful behaviour and knowing you can ask questions and discuss things. 'Dancing for Daddy' like a performing poppet is not.

mrsjay · 13/12/2011 15:53

TBF to carrie if my husband saw i was moaning about him on the internet he would be a bit miffed too , i dont think hes controling over her internet usage , thats not the issue i dont think ,

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:53

yes i dont think its too much to expect a simple hello.

i have no problem with expecting that.

its the expecting this whole show then actually punishing her by not playing with her because she doesn't act like a peforming seal.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:55

lottie don't worry, it makes me shudder too.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:56

i dont understand why anyone would want to force someone to react to them a certain way

OP posts:
SnapesMistressofMerriment · 13/12/2011 15:57

Does he check your mumsnet?

Maybe time for a second secret account.

Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:58

he doen't stop me using the internet or anything, but if he saw this thread he would make out you lot are influencing me against him etc and its a way of deflect from the real situation of how he treated dd last night.

sort of a distration from the real problem a red herring.

i bet he will try to wriggle out of having this out tonight but im not going to let it drop, and if he doesnt it again i will pull him up on it.

its not on imo and im not going to accept it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:59

i dont he checks it, but if i left this screen up on his laptop he couldwell see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 16:00

i dont think hes spying on me or anything.

OP posts:
macsaid · 13/12/2011 16:04

two points: its real life, not a hollywood film and he is the adult and should recognise that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 16:05

Why the 1950s housewife comments? Like the poster who said she says to her DC, "Who's that then?", it really doesn't need to be a fanfare but I think that the feminist disparaging undertones and mocking really says a lot.

My nan always said that "Manners are timeless". I've always thought so. I wouldn't allow my children to ignore a "hello' and it's got nothing to do with behving like a performing seal or somesuch misleading nonsense. It's disrespectful and rude to ignore family members and four is definitely not too young.

No doubt about it that OP's husband should be adult about it but in the subsequent posts, OP said that he expects a 'performance', that wasn't evident in the first one. I don't get why anybody would stay with somebody who controls their internet use or expects 'performance' after being pulled up on that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 16:06

lottiegb... would that be the same if it were a DS then, an 'inculcation' of expectation to perform. Hmm

duckdodgers · 13/12/2011 16:16

With us its me who works full time and my DH is a SAHD who is obviously hands on with our boys, especially the 4 year old. He sometimes ignores me, refuses to kiss me etc etc when I come in from work - and boy does it hurt. Whist I would never refuse to show my DS affection I do sometimes feel my DH is having to bribe him to cuddle me. I dont think its too young to teach him mannes either - fair enough hes too young to understand I have to work to pay all our bills, he just sees it as beibng with his Daddy all day.

I dont expect a fanfare or dinner on the table - but it would be nice if my DS acknowkledged me.

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 16:18

LyingWitch I think the 1950s housewife comments are because the OP said he was disgruntled because his DD didn't run up to him and give an 'enthusiastic greeting'. Which would, I think, go beyond common courtesy and implies a reverence. It's certainly what my dad expected in the 70s/80s. He would ring when leaving work to give us a 20 minute head start on putting our toys away, getting his slippers ready and for my mum to get the dinner on. Oh and woe betide any of us who didn't quite manage it...

Perhaps he's just disappointed that she isn't more excited to see him. But then he might want to look at himself for an answer to that one! Of course 4 isn't too young to learn these social niceties, but if they forget, then a prompt or a reminder might be in order rather than a bit of tit for tat retaliation. Just a thought!

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