Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh is out of order regarding dd, and what should i do about it

115 replies

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:18

yesterday when dh arrived home from work around 6pm, dd 4.5 didn't give him a big welcome, she just sort of ignorned him, he expects the big 'daddy your home' big hugs response.

so dh goes upstairs to get changed as he does everyday when he gets home, and dd follows asking for tickles.

dh went on to lecture her about how hes not going to play with her or give her tickles as she ignorned him when he got home.

and he didnt play with her or give her tickles

the dd came downstairs in tears saying daddy wont play with me

i had a go at him, telling him, not not refuse to play with her just because she doesnt behave like a show pony, giving him a big welcome home, i told him i dont always get an enthuastic greeting when i collect her from school but i certainly dont let it effect the way i treat her.

he got really pissed off and said lets talk about this later, which we didnt after dd went to bed as i went to bed early as i'm not very well atm.

so im going to have to talk to him about it tonight.

its like hes manipulating her to behave exactly as he thinks she should

OP posts:
YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 13/12/2011 16:30

OP don't want to import my own ishoos onto your family problem, but this rang some serious alarm bells for me.

My dad was really difficult, emotionally abusive even, and one of his things was to have certain rote 'affectionate' responses we had to perform. So one of his things was to have a big deal when he came home - another was to lose his temper in an absolutely terrifying fashion and then we had to 'make up' by giving him a hug and a kiss.

I remember absolutely hating him at times, because I was still so angry but couldn't express my anger and had to hug him etc.

Quite apart from the anger, as I grew older I saw through it - kids do, from an early age - and thought of him as pathetic and needy and manipulative. Kids can be quite harsh. You might point out that although your DD is hurt by her daddy not playing with her now, in a few short years, she'll shrug and go back to texting her friends or whatever. He will not earn affection but contempt if he requires some performance of affection.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 16:32

FolkGirl... I was never expected to 'perform'. I know that some children in my class were. I was however, expected to respond and say "hello" as basic manners and I certainly wouldn't have been allowed to get away without doing that. Both my parents would have been disappointed with my behaviour. I don't know any parents who expect 'performances' but I know a lot of children who expect a rapt audience when they are giving one of many, many performances in a day. Some children like to 'perform' rituals perhaps, like getting slippers ready or finding the paper or waiting at the door. Fine - there shouldn't be an expectation of that, but every family is different and nobody has the right to disparage or mock.

I'm still waiting to see whether a DS 'performing' will be viewed any differently to a DD doing so. Those comments made me shudder, truly.

The 1950s comments are well out of order really but then again, threads like this give the perfect excuse for calls of 'knob' and other similar comments, which I think are really unnecessary. Yes, the husband didn't behave well but neither should a child be allowed to be rude and I can't understand why some posters have such low expectations of behaviour.

I think there's been a bit of drip-feeding in this thread and the 'performing' aspect came out rather later, as did the 'internet monitoring' point, but then again, if OP makes it known that she's posting about him, of course he's going to look.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/12/2011 16:37

Just in case.

Dear Carrie's DH

Grow up and stop being such a knob.

Toodles

KS
x

lottiegb · 13/12/2011 16:39

Lyingwitch - yes, the same, it's about learning to be false and I'd make the same comments about self-esteem and relationships.

Hardgoing · 13/12/2011 16:39

I have been the parent arriving home. Mostly I get a 'Mummeeeee' and a big cuddle, but if they were on the computer or busy watching a show, I wouldn't expect everyone in the house to drop what they were doing to say 'hello' to me. I would go and seek them out later.

I would also say that children have mixed feelings about absent parents. Some days my dd2 would actively reject me as a way of making her feelings known about me going out to work or coming in very late. I wouldn't expect her to hide these age 4 actually, though I would say 'mummy has to work'.

I think of home as one place children can relax. Punishing children for not saying 'hello' or jumping up and hugging the absent parent is just ridiculous. If a visitor came in, I would expect them to say hello and get off the computer/TV/playing rolling on the floor, but not for a parent. And his behaviour in response is so childish, I simply don't know where to start.

stealthsquiggle · 13/12/2011 16:40

1950's comments were very valid, IMO. The whole concept of expecting DC (of either gender - I really don't get why it makes any difference) to dance attendance as soon as the "pater familias" walks through the door is incredibly old-fashioned and what it brought to my mind was the whole family (wife included) dancing attendance in stereotypical 1950's fashion. I don't understand where the offence comes from?

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 16:42

His behaviour is toxic - conditional parenting is toxic. I'm lost for words that he would behave this way towards a 4 year old. Tell him that as a parent he has no right to expect anything from his daughter and that if he makes her feel she owes him something he's going to do serious damage.

Decent parenting is about unconditional love.

stealthsquiggle · 13/12/2011 16:43

Oh and I expect my DC to be polite - I have very high expectations of manners, as it happens - but I no more expect them to drop everything and come running when DH or I get home than I would expect everyone in the house to drop everything when one of the DC comes home. It's nice when they choose to - as soon as you "demand" it as the OP's DH has, it's not genuine.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 18:06

Did you see the post from DuckDodgers, StealthSquiggle? Thought not. The mocking from the 'swoopers' is beyond pitiful. Have you ever considered that this is not about 'dancing attendance' on the bringer-of-the-bacon, just about acknowledging a returning family member when you're in the same room? Who said anything about everybody rushing from all corners of the house?

I think that manners are what other people perceive, perhaps, because some parents seem blinkered. For myself, I would find this non-communication by a disinterested child completely unacceptable. I don't really care whether others do or don't, we're all different.

Bonsoir · 13/12/2011 18:09

Sorry - your DH is right here! It's really important to learn to say hello with enthusiasm to your family when they arrive from... wherever they have been, but more particularly after a long day at work etc.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 18:13

Lying - are you reading a different thread from everyone else? Carrie said she can't remember whether or not he said hello.

In any case, while I might be irritated that DS didn't respond to a hello, I wouldn't behave like Carrie's DH did. Do you think that's acceptable parenting? Well it isn't.

This is bugger all to do with being polite and lots to do with conditional parenting which is vile.

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 18:14

Bonsoir, surely even if you do think that (and I do get it - we all take each other for granted etc), the way to instill it is not by the adult acting like the child and not by withdrawing love from the child.

Bonsoir · 13/12/2011 18:17

I think it's perfectly OK to tell children that you won't be nice to them in response to them being not nice to you... best way to teach them, IMO.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 18:24

I think the word 'vile' is as misused and overused on MN as the word 'massive'.

I don't think the OP's DH's behaviour was acceptable and said so in my first post. Are you reading the same thread Christine?

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 18:24

No, it's not the best way to teach them. It's the best way to help them grow up feeling unbalanced and end up in one crappy relationship after another. I know because it happened to me.

Children don't owe their parents anything. An adult should know better than to resort to nastiness like the OP's husband.

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 18:26

It's not like the child wasn't nice to him anyway - she just didn't say much when he came in! This is a 4 year old child.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 18:28

Really Lying? That read to me like you were dismissing it entirely: 'he is the adult, she is the child'. What a lot of meaning you've imbued those words with.

Vile, horrible, unacceptable. Call it what you like. Manipulative, conditional parenting is bad parenting. This has nothing to do with manners and everything to do with him withdrawing affection from a four year old

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 18:31

I agree Christine. What small children learn from how they are treated by their parents, they take with them to adulthood and adult relationships. Of course this is about manipulation and not manners!

xyfactor · 13/12/2011 18:38

Greeting people and saying hello to family members is common courtesy and it's only right that it should be expected.
The child shouldn't have been rebuffed though that seems counter-productive and childish.
This sounds like a power struggle within the house between the parents with the child caught in the middle. Parents should never pull each other up in front of children.

stealthsquiggle · 13/12/2011 18:46

"Did you see the post from DuckDodgers, StealthSquiggle? Thought not."

Yes I bloody did, Thank you. And since we both work FT+, it is just as often me coming home last as it is DH. I will go and say hello to the DC and yes, I do expect them to respond - what I don't expect, as Carrie's DH appears to, is for them to drop everything and run to the door as soon as they hear me come in, as though my return is the most exciting thing to happen all day.

Since my DC's good manners are consistently remarked upon by teachers, care workers and complete strangers I don't think I am all that blinkered, TBH.

underbeneathsies · 13/12/2011 19:00

He sounds like a narcissist to me.

I bet he'll want another baby soon to stoke his ego. Older children with their own lives and interests, who don't behave 'right' are quickly discarded by narcs. He'll need new supply soon.

How is your relationship with this immature narc OP?

Laquitar · 13/12/2011 19:08

The poor child was going to greed him a minute later, she run upstairs for him.
She was wathing tv and children do get very focused on something for few minutes.

Kayano · 13/12/2011 19:17

I get that he is a narc etc and it's not right to demand a fanfare from a child

But OP shouting and pulling him up on it in front of a four year old child is not good either Confused should that not be done later behind closed doors

Sounds like an awful situation in general

Laquitar · 13/12/2011 19:22

I don't agree with 'never pull up on the other parent in front of dcs'.

I would too in this case.

Kayano · 13/12/2011 19:33

I don't mean never but she is four! It's not a great situation however you look at it. If it continues then maybe a warning, a reminder in front of the kid Confused

Shouting and arguing in front of a child is bad if it can be avoided

Swipe left for the next trending thread