Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to think dh is out of order regarding dd, and what should i do about it

115 replies

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:18

yesterday when dh arrived home from work around 6pm, dd 4.5 didn't give him a big welcome, she just sort of ignorned him, he expects the big 'daddy your home' big hugs response.

so dh goes upstairs to get changed as he does everyday when he gets home, and dd follows asking for tickles.

dh went on to lecture her about how hes not going to play with her or give her tickles as she ignorned him when he got home.

and he didnt play with her or give her tickles

the dd came downstairs in tears saying daddy wont play with me

i had a go at him, telling him, not not refuse to play with her just because she doesnt behave like a show pony, giving him a big welcome home, i told him i dont always get an enthuastic greeting when i collect her from school but i certainly dont let it effect the way i treat her.

he got really pissed off and said lets talk about this later, which we didnt after dd went to bed as i went to bed early as i'm not very well atm.

so im going to have to talk to him about it tonight.

its like hes manipulating her to behave exactly as he thinks she should

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:48

well he just walked in the door, didn't shout or announce i'm home.

OP posts:

LadyMontdore · 13/12/2011 14:49

Hmmm, he is obviously being over the top but I think if my DH came in and said 'hello' and dds didn't respond I would certainly pick them up on it 'X Daddy said hello' quite firmly. They do need to learn manners / social conventions.

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 14:50

So you're all supposed to be clock watching and perfect just waiting for daddy to arrive home and then greet him in a specified way.

He really needs to get over himself!

justonemorejingle · 13/12/2011 14:50

Maybe the best thing would be to get him to say sorry to her for being grumpy and it's not her fault he was grumpy. I think it's good that children realise that we can't always be perfect either and sometimes other stresses make us act in unreasonable ways.
I think he's being Very Very Unreasonable by the way if this is what he expects on a regular basis and that is the punishment he sees fit.

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:50

i'll have to hide this thread later too as if he sees ive done a thread about him in a negative light he gets really pissed off ayt me slagging him off over the internet, when im looking for advice on how to handle situations in the best way possible.

OP posts:

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 14:51

I'm not sure you slagged him off, but feel free to tell him that I think he's a pathetic, childish cockface :o

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:52

i honestly can't remember if he did say hello. i guess he probably did.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 14:53

well im certainly not going to let him treat dd like this, that i can be sure of.

OP posts:

Beamur · 13/12/2011 14:54

YANBU
It's fair enough to expect manners - but to effectively punish your little girl for not an enthusiastic enough greeting is not on.
You get back what you give, so he needs to be greeting her with affection and interest too. (My DP could also take note of this!) And not taking it quite so personally if she is a bit distracted or disinterested.

MmeLindor. · 13/12/2011 14:54

It is very important, Carrie.

DD has a friend who is like that - she always plays to the audience. Cute when she was a toddler but now she is a manipulative pre-teen and less amusing. She has massive problems in school because she is constantly playing her friends against each other, and complaining to the teacher.

HugosGoatee · 13/12/2011 14:55

What wibble said - if you feel able to have a good discussion about why he can't withdraw affection as punishment, you should.

She will only learn that he will only be loved and wanted if she is an affectionate little girl! This could lead her into very negative self-worth and eventual relationships with abusive men.

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:06

thanks for the advice,im not going to let him do it again, even if it means pulling him up in front of her, ive got a feeling this chat tonight wont go to well,his first tatic will be oh i dont want to talk about that now.... but i won't let it drop, ill hide the thread before he gets home then i'll report back tomorrow.

i will also point out to him treat her like this will mean

shes not showing her real emotions

2.hes manipulating her 3.she will be more likely to have self esteem issues and be a people pleaser

more likely to get in/ be stuck in an abusive relationship her shes expected to behave a certain way

anything else i should point out? other than the fact hes a knob that needs to grow up

OP posts:

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:08

intersting 'You get back what you give, so he needs to be greeting her with affection and interest too'

yes he doesnt really go upto her and say hello dd how lovely to see you, what did you do at school today etc

its more about him wanting her to run over to him with a big hug etc.

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 15:13

Does he have "High" Expectations of you too OP?

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:16

he doesn't have particularly high expectations of how i should do things, i think hes realised that i'll do things my own way.

so i need to get him to give dd more of a break.

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 15:18

Whats wrong with him coming home. Getting himself sorted then seeking out your daughter and asking her if she had a good day etc. Kids at that age get so engrossed in what they're doing and you have to engage with them first.

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 15:19

I think someone's ego hasn't recognised that yet, fuzzy!

OrmIrian · 13/12/2011 15:22

Good lord! He'd wither up and die in our house

Dh and I get in at various times, shout 'Hello!' to the house in general. Might get a distant response from a bedroom or from the sofa - might not. Eventually when we've got coats off, put bags down, poured a glass of wine cup of tea, we will go and hunt 'em all down and ask them how their days went. I usually get rewarded with a hug and a bit of a chat but not always.

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:28

orm a stay in your house would do him good

OP posts:

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 15:29

dont you put down the PC/get off mumsnet to speak to your husband when he gets home? Maybe thats his problem, he walks in and everybody blanks him

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:32

i think i was tidying up when he got in, im not always on here, and i certainly wouldnt blank him. i usually simply say hello, hows your day been, like a normal person.

OP posts:

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 15:33

Oh, you're so right, OldeChestnut. The poor little chicken, sulking because his 4 year-old child doesn't come running from whatever she's engrossed in when he comes in the door. It's obviously the OP's and the child's fault that he thinks that withholding affection and attention from a 4 year-old child is a suitable punishment for anything at all was upset.

FFS.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 15:35

Chop off his head, he won't have an ego to be bloody massaged at all then ay

stealthsquiggle · 13/12/2011 15:36

Blimey. Deep down, he wants you waiting in your best frock to hand him his slippers and his pipe as well, doesn't he? You might need to remind him that this is not the 1950's, Carrie.

I do sometimes prompt the DC with "who's that?" when I hear DH's key in the door, because there is nothing nicer at the end of a crappy day than someone running to greet you, but no way would he make a fuss about the DC not greeting him - if they are collapsed in front of the TV at the end of a long day of their own he is lucky to get a grunt out of them (as am I).

Original poster

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 13/12/2011 15:38

yes the fact it was gone 6pm and dd was shattered, didnt seem to register.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5