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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to divorce my husband over £3

132 replies

mrspepperspot · 13/12/2011 11:19

This is the final straw. Background:

DH earns decent wage - way above national average. I'm on unpaid maternity leave. We agreed DH would support us until I go back to work - I plan to go back in the next 12 months. He pays mortgage and most bills. He has always had a lot of debt - overdraft, loans and credit card bills. I didn't realise until after I married him the impact all this accrued debt would have on our relationship.

I have always paid half the bills until recently when I took unpaid maternity leave with second dc. So when dd was born I went back to 4 days a week when she was 4 months old and continued to pay half of the mortgage, nursery bills (even though I was earning less due to going part-time and he was working fulltime still).

In order for him to support us while I'm not earning I paid off a chunk of his debts with my saving. My theory was that with no overdraft and one of his credit card bills gone he would easily be able to pay the mortgage and bills. I have been using child benefit (we don't get any other benefits like child tax credit) to help pay for food and clothes for the dc.

DH recently admitted that despite me paying off his overdraft he is now over £1000 overdrawn and is struggling financially. I went through his bank account and together we worked out how to reduce our outgoings. Eg he was paying over £100 a month to 'buy' extra annual leave at work which I made him cancel - he'll have to get buy on the 25 days he currently gets like everyone else.

Anyway final straw came today. Every week my parents give dd £3 a week pocket money. We don't give her any pocket money so I really appreciate my parents doing this. I put the pocket money on the kitchen shelf last night with a reminder to myself to make dd put it in her money box.

This morning the money has gone. DH has taken it. This is not the first time. Last week he 'borrowed' money from her money box to buy a chinese and didn't give it back despite me nagging him. His mum sent the dc's a cheque for £20 for christmas which he paid into his bank account. I suggested he buy the dcs a christmas present with the money but I know the dcs will never see it, DH will keep it.

I can't go on like this. In other ways DH is a good man - works hard, is a good husband and father but the way he manages money is appalling. I can't respect a man that happily takes his daughters pocket money without a second thought. I am now thinking about going back to work fulltime and divorcing him.

OP posts:
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 13/12/2011 11:21

Oooooh bugger, couldn't just read and run Sad have you spoken to him about this?

breatheslowly · 13/12/2011 11:24

What is he spending the money on?

twolittlemonkeys · 13/12/2011 11:24

You need to have a serious chat. If he is unwilling to change I don't know what else you can do. I couldn't respect a man who takes his DD's pocket money/ Christmas money because he can't manage his own finances either. Once or twice I've had to borrow money from DS's piggy bank to buy something essential but always leave an IOU and pay it back. Chinese meal is by no means an essential :( for you. You need to take control of the finances and give him an 'allowance' by the sounds of it!

Original poster
mrspepperspot · 13/12/2011 11:25

We talk about money all the time. He says he doens't have a 'rock n roll' lifestyle which is true. The problem is when we met in our early twenties he was £1000's in debt. He's never paid it off and just carried the debt over into our marriage.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/12/2011 11:26

YANBU. He must be earning a considerable amount if you don't qualify for tax credits despite the fact you're currently on unpaid ML, yet he actually steals small amounts of cash from his own children?? Agree with brandybutter- time for a big chat, I think.

I assume there must be other issues too, for you to be contemplating divorce?

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 13/12/2011 11:27

He earns that much and things are this bad? There must be more to it than just you being on ML, surely? What does he spend it all on?

tigermoll · 13/12/2011 11:28

He steals from his daughter? From his daughter's piggy bank? Blimey. That's something a cartoon villain would do.

When you nag him about returning it, what does he say?

empirestateofmind · 13/12/2011 11:29

If he cannot manage money and you can then the answer is for you to organise the expenditure. You cannot go on like this.

He sounds very tiresome and irresponsible. I would not respect someone who took money from his daughter- although presumably she is too young to understand this.

Divorce seems an extreme reaction- but he needs to be told that if he cannot be more sensible then this might be the outcome.

Redrubyblues · 13/12/2011 11:29

Time to take over the finances?

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 13/12/2011 11:29

Good idea from two with you taking responsibility and giving him an 'allowance' but that depends utterly on him admitting there's a problem.

Does he know how strongly you feel?

To some people, money and debt just really doesn't bother them. I used to have a boyfriend like this years ago. Excluding his mortgage, he had £60,000 worth of personal debt racked up on cards, several loans, and HP products. It would've driven me insane. It didn't bother him in the slightest, and carried on getting further into debt the whole time.

Original poster
mrspepperspot · 13/12/2011 11:30

I feel like I have been supporting him financially our entire relationship. Because he's had so much debt it's meant that I have to pay for all the 'big' expenses so if we want a holiday I pay for it all, we had to replace the dc's bedroom windows recently which I paid for and so on.

OP posts:
harrietlichman · 13/12/2011 11:32

I take it you have already spoken about how this has been making you feel - what is his attitude? Does he acknowledge that what he is doing is irresponsible/selfish or does he think you are overreacting? Agree with twolittlemonkeys - you could suggest taking over the finances all together and giving him an amount to spend on things like takeaways etc if that's what he wants....it is treating him a bit like a child, but he sounds as if he is behaving like one...

ReindeerBollocks · 13/12/2011 11:34

The fact that he went into an overdraft when you had already paid his off signals that he is spending money somewhere. You are fully aware of the house finances so only you know how much of his wages are attributed to this.

It isn't acceptable for him to keep living like this, and I doubt he is using the money to pay off his old debts.

Can you not take control over his finances and give him money until you are in a comfortable position again?

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 13/12/2011 11:35

If I was your husband, I'd be devastated to know I'd caused you so much stress Sad I'm so sorry for your situation

TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 13/12/2011 11:36

I agree with you taking over all of the finances and only giving him a small allowance.

But if he is terrible with money he will probably keep nicking money off your DC for frivolities.

There is no easy answer unfortunately. (and his debt must be utterly massive!)

Original poster
mrspepperspot · 13/12/2011 11:38

The problem is I have lost all respect for him. I already have 2 dc's to look after I do not want a third. He is a grown man FFS. I just cannot respect him anymore and the £3 incident is the final straw.

TBH I now wish I'd never married him. Our entire relationship has been overshadowed by his debt. When we were married without dc and both earning fulltime I was desperate for us to travel but we could never do this because I couldnt afford to pay for both of us and of course he couldnt afford to pay for himself. I had to pay for every holiday and he contributed sod all.

I think my mind is pretty much made up. Just wondered if other people thought I should 'overlook' his crapness because in other ways he's a good man ie works hard, loves the dc, isn't unfaithful etc

OP posts:
JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 13/12/2011 11:39

I'd only divorce my DH over £5 or more Xmas Grin

Hope you can work it out. You have different attitudes to money. He isn't good with money. If you can talk and establish some boundaries ie. you tell him how important you feel it is that he doesn't take the DCs money and not pay them back ( personally I have borrowed money from DS as he's the only one around here who has any sometimes - and even occasionally lost track a bit with him though he keeps an account these days ! )

Anyway I was saying there could be ways through this but you need to talk and act Xmas Smile

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 11:39

Does he have other debts and credit cards he is not telling you about?

Yanbu. I would leave over this. I am sure you would be much better off financially as a single parent, without his debts and refusal to sort his money out. Have you looked at entitled.com to see how much you could get in tax credits, etc?

Have you thought about whether you want to leave and get yourself a smaller flat or house, or whether you can keep up the mortgage payments on the house on your own? Buy him out, etc?

CailinDana · 13/12/2011 11:43

I don't blame you for being at the end of your tether. I could not put up with this sort of behaviour at all. It sounds like he has a real problem. Why on earth would he steal from his child to buy a Chinese? I can understand using the money to top up the gas meter or something and then paying it back, but using it for a luxury and then not paying it back is way beyond acceptable.

YANBU at all.

twolittlemonkeys · 13/12/2011 11:43

I'm always surprised at people with a reasonable income racking up debt but paying for frivolities - that much debt would be keeping me awake at night and I'd be doing everything in my power to reduce it. It's unfair that you should have to pay for all the large outlays eg holidays/ house maintenance whilst he buries his head in the sand and fritters money away. He is acting like an irresponsible teenager, knowing you'll bail him out, so time to treat him like one.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 13/12/2011 11:43

I'm sorry you feel at this cross-roads.
I wish you all the best in whatever decisions you come to ...

Sorry about the little joke above ... it's just I thought it was a MN classic opener ..
AIBU to divorce DH over £3 ?

Only you can discover the answer to that OP.

Good luck x

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 13/12/2011 11:45

Well, if you're wishing you had never married him then I think the writing is on the wall. Have you thought long and hard about what divorce will mean for your family? Does he have any idea that you are thinking this way? Where would you live? When do you go back to work? What would you do about sharing access to the children? Basically, have you got everything worked out to minimise disruption to your kids?

It would drive me mad to have someone so feckless around. DH is not great with money (neither am I!) but we have both learnt together and we share a bank account so each can see what the other has spent. It helps a lot.

CailinDana · 13/12/2011 11:45

I don't think you should overlook this at all. He has to be aware how much this has affected your life, and now it's affecting his children but he just doesn't care. That overshadows all other positive aspects of his character IMO.

twolittlemonkeys · 13/12/2011 11:46

Cross posted - if your mind is made up, you need to calculate all the finances, how things will work. I expect if he's so crap with money, he will need to move out to somewhere smaller, not vice versa. Or you could tell him he's on probation, has x months to sort it out. He needs to know that this is affecting you to the extent that you are willing to end the marriage because you have lost all respect for him.

JeanBodel · 13/12/2011 11:46

If he is genuinely a good man with one big problem, then I wouldn't leave.

A good marriage is worth fighting for. I agree that his behaviour is out of order and needs to change. But I wouldn't walk away over it. I'd stick with him and work through it.

It sounds as though he has a spending addiction. People with addictions do stupid things. If he is willing to address this, then, as you've asked for opinions, I think you should stay.

Of course, if he's not willing to change, then you'll have to go. But I'd leave the door open to reconciliation once he admits he has a problem and takes responsibility for it.