to divorce my husband over £3

[mrspepperspot]

This is the final straw. Background:

DH earns decent wage - way above national average. I'm on unpaid maternity leave. We agreed DH would support us until I go back to work - I plan to go back in the next 12 months. He pays mortgage and most bills. He has always had a lot of debt - overdraft, loans and credit card bills. I didn't realise until after I married him the impact all this accrued debt would have on our relationship.

I have always paid half the bills until recently when I took unpaid maternity leave with second dc. So when dd was born I went back to 4 days a week when she was 4 months old and continued to pay half of the mortgage, nursery bills (even though I was earning less due to going part-time and he was working fulltime still).

In order for him to support us while I'm not earning I paid off a chunk of his debts with my saving. My theory was that with no overdraft and one of his credit card bills gone he would easily be able to pay the mortgage and bills. I have been using child benefit (we don't get any other benefits like child tax credit) to help pay for food and clothes for the dc.

DH recently admitted that despite me paying off his overdraft he is now over £1000 overdrawn and is struggling financially. I went through his bank account and together we worked out how to reduce our outgoings. Eg he was paying over £100 a month to 'buy' extra annual leave at work which I made him cancel - he'll have to get buy on the 25 days he currently gets like everyone else.

Anyway final straw came today. Every week my parents give dd £3 a week pocket money. We don't give her any pocket money so I really appreciate my parents doing this. I put the pocket money on the kitchen shelf last night with a reminder to myself to make dd put it in her money box.

This morning the money has gone. DH has taken it. This is not the first time. Last week he 'borrowed' money from her money box to buy a chinese and didn't give it back despite me nagging him. His mum sent the dc's a cheque for £20 for christmas which he paid into his bank account. I suggested he buy the dcs a christmas present with the money but I know the dcs will never see it, DH will keep it.

I can't go on like this. In other ways DH is a good man - works hard, is a good husband and father but the way he manages money is appalling. I can't respect a man that happily takes his daughters pocket money without a second thought. I am now thinking about going back to work fulltime and divorcing him.

DH ordered the chinese takeaway. When he got in from work he told me not to worry about cooking because he'd ordered chinese. Too late for me to say 'but you can't afford it DH'. As he was the one who wanted it and ordered it surely he was responsible for paying for it? I had a pretty nice lasagne lined up for dinner

The thing is by paying off his debt and 'carrying' him for years you have been enabling him to continue being irresponsible in the hope that he will sort himself out, it doesn't work like that he needs to realise he has a problem, admit it and deal with it himself - and if he can't do that alone he needs help and you need help as a couple to work out how to go on from here.

I think you need to step back from thinking about divorce and at least make an attempt to sort this out. You owe that to your children at the very least, after all, you knew what you were getting yourself into, he hasn't drastically changed and you chose to have children with him.

My DH had £15,000 of debt when we married - I agree with other posters, it became our debt and we worked hard to pay it off together. I love him, we did it for our future and our family and we both learnt from the experience. Any money that comes in is the family money. It sounds like this is a symptom of wider issues which you need to both get out into the open and sort out. It may be that you do go on to divorce, but at least try OP.

You've not said what he spends the money ON. He is a high earner, it is not just going on bills.

Anyone I have known who has behaved like this has had a gambling problem, and hidden it so well that we only realised because of the times that they got lucky. "Investing in stocks and shares" is just another kind of gambling.

You need to work out where his money goes, and if it is gambling get advice on that. Even after you divorce, you will still be affected by your H's fecklessness.

I think 'stealing' is a bit much too. Last weekend dh was away, and on Sun the dcs conceived a great desire for pizza. I didn't much mind, would have been happy to cook, but was willing to be persuaded, forgetting that the local place only takes cash. When it came we were scraping down the back of the sofa, still £3 short so I borrowed from 3yo ds's piggy-bank, without asking or telling him. I haven't got round to putting it back. Lazy, busy, self-absorbed, yes, but a thief? I save every month for my kids, it's not stealing to borrow small change within a household.

May I ask again OP that if you divorced him how would he pay maintanence? Would you trust him to pay it? Could you manage without it?

'you can't afford it' not 'we can't afford it'

This is making me so glad that our finances are properly joint, there is no judging or measuring who pays for what!

When I earned more, I bought and paid for more, now that DH is sole earner we have equal access to money and are both aware of times being tight.

If he'd infantilised me over my debt the way that you have, treating him like a teenager, I'd no doubt be in even more debt now.

thanks for that info OP however as none of that was mentioned at the time I can't be expected to be psychic

drip... drip

redruby he earns a good wage so in theory, yes, he should be able to afford maintenance.

We do not have any form of joint account. The only thing we have in joint names is the mortgage. When we got married I was not prepared to have my salary go towards paying off his debt. I know some people are taking the attitude that his debt is my debt but I'm sorry I don't take that view. When it comes to the house, bills and children that is of course different and I have always paid half. I have recently paid off his overdraft and credit card bill. I'm not sure what else I can do. I have friends whose dh earn more than them so they pay less bills etc but I have never condoned that view. Even paying half of everything when I worked 4 days after having the dc. (and so earning less).

I have gone through his debt with him and made suggestions. The problem is he can never catch up because he's got debt he had from years ago. I cannot afford to pay off more of his debt especially as he has since ran his overdraft up again.

OP his behaviour is out of order.
He needs to take responsibility.
Threatening with divorce will show him how serious you are about it, but I suspect it is a damaging route to go down.

Perhaps show him this thread instead - so he knows how unhappy you are about it.

Then he needs to grow up and sit down with you to discusss money and strategies. My OH hates talking about money (takes it so personally) yet it's just money and with enough brainstorming you will come to some solutions.

Starting with, for example, a clear plan for saving x% of his income - or perhaps handing it over to you in the first instance.

And NO MORE take-aways - how crazy is that when he's got no cash (apparently). I just don't get WHY people bother with those vile things anyway. I'd have preferred your lasagne ;)

But you've still not revealed what he is spending it on? Obviously you don't have to, but it is relevant, if you want advice.

You have gone through his debt with him. If it is simply that it is not manageable, you need to get advice on how to negotiate with the banks etc to pay it off more slowly.

If he is going into his overdraft because he is a compulsive shopper or a gambler, that will need to be addressed.

I am horrified that people think yabu
His behaviour is awful. I think you need to sit down with him and agree to manage the money. Someone posted about getting a financial advisor to help, and I think that's a wonderful idea.

...but where does the money go?

I'm with those who say that divorce should be the last resort. He sounds absolutely awful with money and I can only imagine the pressure and stress that this puts on your relationship. But he's a good father and he's faithful, those are two characteristics that aren't hugely common tbh. Separating will bring so many other issues that will more than likely be just as stressful. You've said yourself that your older DD will be strongly affected by it.
I also don't agree that his debt is your debt in that he's the one who can't control himself with spending. I came into our marriage with a huge student debt while DH has a reasonable amount of savings. He offered to pay off my debt with the savings but I wouldn't have it (esp as student debt is a bit different anyway imo).
I'd suggest you control the money, tell him it's despicable to take your children's money to spend on whatever, tell him you just can't trust him and it won't be long til his children can't either. A single bank account that you control and give him a part of would be ideal, until he sorts his spending habits out.
I hope you work this out, it must be tearing you up.

You might not believe in joint finances just because you are married - but the law does in some circumstances!

You really need proper financial advice + to deal with this as a couple ('deal with' doesn't have to mean you pay off debt - but coming up with a workable plan and finding out where the money goes does need to be done together) whether you want to or not.

Maybe through financial couple counseling and talking this through with someone you may come to see that you have quite an unusual approach to money yourself OP (IMHO)

I agree that I'd see money and finances as more of a joint thing/ responsibility where a couple are married with children especially.

Also I wouldn't use the word "stealing" for borrowing small amounts within a family as long as it's done with honest intent. ( As someone wisely said)
I think we should all make the effort to remember to pay back even small loans and debts though. I'm encouraging DS to keep his accounts of loans in good order ( as I said sometimes he's the only one around here who has any cash. DH was a student for years and seems to have developed very short pockets ! )

I'm also shocked people think yabu

There's an awful lot of projecting going on here. People, there is a load of difference between a married couple working hard together to pay off one person's student debt, and what the OP is going through. There is a big difference between debt acquired when young and foolish, and debt acquired needlessly even in the knowledge that one's spouse has used up their savings to bail you out already.

The problem is not the debt. Debt can be managed. The problem is the husband's attitude toward money.

Only the OP knows whether he is capable of change. If she doesn't think she is, then I can see why she would want to leave. I do think a financial counselor would be a good idea -- you never know, it might change everything. But no doubt the OP feels bled dry and wants it to stop.

Someone suggested the kids would rather have parents together and fighting about money than divorced parents. Hoo boy, well IME, no way. My mum and stepdad fought constantly about money when I was young, I always knew we were skint and whose fault it was, and it seriously scarred me for life about money. I nearly have panic attacks about it sometimes.

'But he's a good father and he's faithful, those are two characteristics that aren't hugely common tbh.'

What a godawful depressing thing to think.

You obviously have very different attitudes to money.

It is the attitude that is the problem here, not the actual £££.

Has he ever been to a debt adviser?

have you had joint counselling about this?

Does he want to save the marriage?

Does he concede that you are better with money than him?

My DP was like yours so when he moved in it was on condition that I took over all finances and he was left with 'pocket money'. Lots of couples do this and it works well. Could this be a solution for you?

Him having access to her money isn't going to help, I agree, but her having access to his could, depending on how you do it.

My parents had massive money issues (one big debt racking spender and one saver) I think the fact that when the saver organised couples counselling doe them the spender didn't bother to show up said a lot more about thier attitude to it all than the fact that they had got into debt in the first place. (I also agree that it is hell to live with as the child)