to divorce my husband over £3

[mrspepperspot]

This is the final straw. Background:

DH earns decent wage - way above national average. I'm on unpaid maternity leave. We agreed DH would support us until I go back to work - I plan to go back in the next 12 months. He pays mortgage and most bills. He has always had a lot of debt - overdraft, loans and credit card bills. I didn't realise until after I married him the impact all this accrued debt would have on our relationship.

I have always paid half the bills until recently when I took unpaid maternity leave with second dc. So when dd was born I went back to 4 days a week when she was 4 months old and continued to pay half of the mortgage, nursery bills (even though I was earning less due to going part-time and he was working fulltime still).

In order for him to support us while I'm not earning I paid off a chunk of his debts with my saving. My theory was that with no overdraft and one of his credit card bills gone he would easily be able to pay the mortgage and bills. I have been using child benefit (we don't get any other benefits like child tax credit) to help pay for food and clothes for the dc.

DH recently admitted that despite me paying off his overdraft he is now over £1000 overdrawn and is struggling financially. I went through his bank account and together we worked out how to reduce our outgoings. Eg he was paying over £100 a month to 'buy' extra annual leave at work which I made him cancel - he'll have to get buy on the 25 days he currently gets like everyone else.

Anyway final straw came today. Every week my parents give dd £3 a week pocket money. We don't give her any pocket money so I really appreciate my parents doing this. I put the pocket money on the kitchen shelf last night with a reminder to myself to make dd put it in her money box.

This morning the money has gone. DH has taken it. This is not the first time. Last week he 'borrowed' money from her money box to buy a chinese and didn't give it back despite me nagging him. His mum sent the dc's a cheque for £20 for christmas which he paid into his bank account. I suggested he buy the dcs a christmas present with the money but I know the dcs will never see it, DH will keep it.

I can't go on like this. In other ways DH is a good man - works hard, is a good husband and father but the way he manages money is appalling. I can't respect a man that happily takes his daughters pocket money without a second thought. I am now thinking about going back to work fulltime and divorcing him.

Is he gambling or drinking? Does he like to show off buying everyone a drink or something?

Either you take over the finances completely or you split up. Get him to write to the bank saying he no longer wants an overdraft on his account see if they will convert the current overdraft into a loan.

Get him to pay his salary into a joint account from which you will pay his share of the bills, debt repayment (including replacing your DD's pocket money) and he will get an allowance. Get him to cut up his credit cards and order a copy of his credit reference from Expedian or similar to check what else is outstanding.

Tell him if he doesn't agree to work with you to sort this out then you will have no choice but to live apart because you will not place your children's security at risk because of his financial irresponsibility.

to stop it getting worse, don't pay any of his bills ever again; don't take out any joint accounts (or stop paying into ones you have), don't leave money where he can take it, unless you are too bashful, tell people why they shouldn't send the kids money as cheques made out to him; don't sign any secured loans.

How you deal with curing the problem I don't know.

Aw Mrs pp that must be v difficult. I would also consider seperating as I couldn't live like that. But what is he spending it on? And perhaps you've mistakenly enable him to contine building debt.

Apparently one of the commonest reasons for divorce is money.

Have you got accounts for the DCs? Then all cheques could be made payable only to them. I'd try and take control of the purse, separate your accounts if you have to, make sure you aren't liable for his debts.

Seems like you need to try before you give up, and stop bailing him out. It's just not fair on you at all. Good luck!

His attitude is outrageous.

I would give him one last chance by:

Insisting that all of the children's money he's stolen is in your hand in the next 24hours

Getting a financial advisor round within a week to talk to you both about sorting out his mess and what you need to do to get healthy financials for the future and him agreeing to it, even if that means you get 100% control of money. This is usually free as they are hoping to sell you stuff which you don't have to buy. (I did this recently and didn't buy a thing)

If he can't do this then YANBU to at least speak to a solicitor about divorce because its borderline abusive to rack up debts uncontrollably. You don't want a life of CCJs and penury just because he's selfish.

I woild only consider staying if you control finances n give him.spendingbmoney

I don't really understand the "I pay, he pays" mentality in a marriage. You promised in your marriage vows to share everything. They are your debts as much as his salary is yours. Equally, your daughter's money is her own, it is unacceptable that bethinks he can spend it. She needs her own bank account. You parents could pay directly into that.

You need to do some forensic analysis to work out where the money is going. Why is he getting takeaways if money is tight and you're at home so you can do dinner? Is his spending compulsive and secretive?

I think you need to agree a joint budget, maybe a current account for each of you, with an allowance. Then focus on paying off the debts, you might have to sacrifice holidays, downgrade your car etc, but get them paid off and you can get out this destructive loop. It's the interest payments that are destroying your finances and could destroy your marriage.

Forgive the lengthy response, I do debt counselling.

HappyCamel I don't agree that they are her debts. She is paying off debt, he is incurring more; that is his responsibility not hers and I don't see why the OP should be liable for his unreasonable behaviour.

I disagree that they are the OP's debts HappyCamel.

You need to sit down and stress just how important this is to you OP. Get a copy of his credit report and lay it all out in front of him.

I just rang him at work to ask about the £3. He is denying all knowledge. So unless we have a ghost he is lying. If he'd said 'sorry I needed change in a hurry and I'll pay it back' I'd have more respect for him.

When I found out about the overdraft I told him I am NEVEY paying off his debts again, ever. He agreed and said he'd never take money off me.

I just want a husband I can respect. I know divorce will totally disrupt our lives, eldest dd will be hugely affected though youngest is too little to be affected. If I go back to work fulltime I should be able to cope with mortgage and bills. Think I will wait until I'm back at work before doing anything rash.

I think YANBU for feeling this is it and you want to leave.

As a last straw, if he is a good partner in everything else, you might consider financial counseling -- couples counseling geared around money basically.

But I can totally understand why you have no respect for him.

I was the little girl whose dad took my spending money. I have never forgotten it and even though we get on well enough now I'm still about it, because it's such a shitty thing to do.

happycamel why are his debts mine? He ran up thousands of pounds when he was younger and living beyond his means. I didn't realise how bad things were. The warning signs were there though ie once he was selling off his playstation and games deperate for cash, his bank would ring asking why he'd missed a payment, once his card was swallowed up by the machine when he tried to withdraw money. This was when we'd started going out. At the time I felt sorry for him and enjoyed being able to take him out for meals, buy him things.

"When I found out about the overdraft I told him I am NEVEY paying off his debts again, ever. He agreed and said he'd never take money off me."

Trouble is, your married so it doesn't matter what you say - basically you are a legal entity 'Mr and Mrs Pot' and you are equally in debt. Happy Camels advice is great. You've got to get everything out in the open - see what kind of an animal it is before you can hope to control it. Start with making your own spread sheets and then get some professional help to get a clear overview.

I really feel for you OP, nothing scares me like money does!

I appreciate that you feel really hurt and upset about this, and divorce can seem like a quick and straightfoward solution - cutting out the problem.

But divorce brings with it its own problems, particularly when there are young children involved.

It might seem as though you'd be happier without him. But surely, at the end of the day, if you do think he's a good man, you'd be happiest with him, with your children living in the same house as their dad, with this problem sorted out? Which is a longer, harder, more energy and time consuming route, but with a bigger reward at the end.

If that's possible, of course.

you are at home at present on ML so why dont you take over the sole running of the finances until you get straight.

Give him a set amount a week to get by on and you pay all the other bills with the income.

I'll check with DS if he thinks I owe him anything when he gets home.
I'll try to make sure if I borrow anything he keeps an account of it. He seems to quite like doing this - It was his idea ! I don't think he minds lending too much - But maybe I should try to make sure I have a bit more cash around so it would only be as a last resort ?
( sorry for slight hijack OP but hopefully hearing from different people on related things can help a little ? - people do have different attitudes to money and some of us are less organised than others )

Why is your ML unpaid OP?

mrspepperspot I think you know your marriage is over if you feel like that about him, FWIW I think you have been incredibly generous and accommodating. He will never change all the while you keep facilitating him, so for his sake he needs to understand that there are consequences, may help him with his next relationship.

Tbh i don't see it as 'this is the only problem'.

Firstly are you sure there is no gambling/drinking/affair/secrets?

Even if there is nothing like that i find that people like this are usually selfish, immature, spoilt etc in all areas. He couldn't live with no chinese take away . I know it is only a take away but what if he has to choose between A and B in a more serious situation?

OP I feel for you I really do.

Only thing you can do other than throw in the towel (which I can totally see why) is to take control of all finances in your household and give him an allowance.

Mind you having to do this would not gain my respect.

unpaid ML can happen if you have not been working for long enough prior to giving birth, and don't qualify for the government alternative (MA)

I agree that it won't be as simple as just up and leaving him with his debts, you are married. Whether you want to or not you may will be found liable for some or all of his debts - so if you do decide to get divorced you still need to get this sorted before you go.

The couples financial counselling is a good idea.

The crux of the matter is the respect, isn't it? Or the lack of. It's less about the stress of dealing with the money shit, more about the fact you don't respect him because he is so shit with money. And respect is important in a relationship - you have to be able to value someone. It sounds hideous for you - I'm sorry.