To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

[fabsi]

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

queenrollo thats what I was trying to say, but you have worded it far better than me!

First of all, I can understand your feelings of bitterness. I have a horrible suspicion that if DH and I split I would be the bitch-cow from Hell over access to DS at Christmas. So I sympathise.

But any feelings of bitterness would be my problem and I would be VU to take it out on DH or DS no matter what the circumstances of our break-up or new relationships were.

You say that your DS is all that you have. But, and this is important, YOU are NOT all he has. He has his dad and step-siblings and a step-mum who you admit loves him and he has the right to spend a Christmas with them as much as with you.

All of this is your feelings and it sounds like you are doing this to control your ex, perhaps because you haven't accepted your relationship is over.

You want him to come to you on Christmas day on your terms, call the shots and maintain a hold over your ex. He has tried to compromise, saying he will come earlier with the presents etc and you have rejected it because it doesn't suit you.

If you really wanted your DS to see his father on Christmas day you would allow him to spend Christmas with his Dad in alternate years.

You say your family were supportive while you were pregnant and then say your son is all you have. He isn't, you have your family. And it sounds like you still speak to your exes family too, so perhaps another compromise is that you, your DS, your ex and all of his new family get together on Christmas day at someone else's house for an hour or so.

I really do understand your anger and resentment OP, it would take a better person than me to be happy about this situation if we were in it. But for the sake of your son you have to try and be that better person and eventually you will all feel better for it. Some extended step families manage beautifully to all get along and perhaps in the future you could all spend at least part of Christmas day together so all the children could be with all their parents and siblings. But you have to let go of whatever feelings you still have for your ex and your feelings of anger and bitterness too.

They sound like good people. Your ex didn't abandon his son even when you made things difficult for him to see him at all. You say his new wife loves your son very much, she's not one of those people who resents her partner having children from a previous relationship.

No matter how much you want this to be a situation where they are being unreasonable I think you really have to accept that the person being most unreasonable is you, and the person losing out because of that unreasonableness is your son. Have you thought about talking things through with a relationship counsellor? I know that might seem odd since your relationship with your ex has broken down, but you are still both parents to a young boy who deserves the best from both his parents and it might help to talk to someone impartial to both of you.

Do you really think it would be reasonable for him to bring his partner and other children, as you suggested, to a home where they are clearly not liked or wanted? Poor children.

It seems to me you want him to come round because YOU want to see him, and pretend at happy families for an hour for christmas. I think you need some sort of counselling to move on from your ex, as you are clearly not over him, even over 5 years on.

Put your son first and let him visit Daddy for an hour. Your issues are not his problem.

I just wanted to applaud queenrollo for her post.
Both my grandparents and my parents divorced, my grandmother acted just like the Op and my Mum grew up and hated her for it - and to be clear loved her as a Mum but hated her for the difficulties she put in the way of her relationship with her Dad. As a result I have been blessed with a Mum who despite having very very valid reasons for thinking my Dad is an arse, did everything she could to ensure we spent time with him and never once uttered a bad word against him.
So fabsi if you are still reading - just stop and think about the relationship you want with your DS in years to come when he is old enough to make his own judgements (which isn't too far away), and then work out how you want to deal with ex and Christmas

I am going to agree with the majority here. You do not own your child, you do not own your ex or his dw.
Your ex left you and only you.
You need to release the bitterness which is eatinfg away at you.
Could you speak to someone? a doctor perhaps and ask for counselling.
Even yoga might help strange as it sounds, it allows you to think positively and focus on improving one small aspect of your life. Also do you have any hobbies? Something such as gardening can help you feel a sense of achievement for you, not through someone else. You can create something which can build up your self esteem plus it will give you something to ficus on when your ds is away at his dads, rather than sat alone seething with resentment.
Please seek help.

YANBU. Unfortunately we live in a shitty culture where women are expected to just tolerate appalling behaviour by men and are told they must do this 'for the sake of the children'. Well, actually, it's not any good for your son to be made to alternate christmases if that's going to leave you all alone and destroy your mental health. Your son's dad should of course be seeing him on Christmas day if your son wants to see him, and he is the one who chose to abandon you both so he should be the one dealing with the difficult consequences. I am sick to the back teeth of other women trying to let sociopathic, irresponsible men off the hook by saying that women must tolerate any kind of abandonment 'for the kids' when actually if your ex had been thinking of your son he would not have gone off in the first place! The step-brothers/sisters have their dad all the time, so they and their mother can shut up whining about him being away for an hour Christmas day or not. Christmas obviously isn't that important to her and him anyway as if he was a Christian he wouldn't have left you like that, and if she was she wouldn't be shacking up with a new father who was cheating on his partner.

Sorry but yes, the thread title says it all and YABU. Because it is not about YOU.

Wibbly - did you read the same OP I did?

But I read it as he didn't know the op was pregnant when he left, neither did she for that matter.
Surely it is ok for one person to leave another when they no longer love them?

He had ALREADY left her - before they discovered she was pg. He has been involved in the child's life since he was born. He was NOT cheating on her with another woman. There is no abandonning going on.

Wibbly.... read the sodding thread ffs....

Wibbly - Ther is no mention of the ExP cheating on the OP, no suggestion of him beiong a sociopathic irresponsible man.
Are you seriously saying he should have stayed in a loveless marriage for his child? That that would have been a better option?

Also bullshit to all the people saying that the dad is equal to the mum here. Not true. He was not there when the boy was tiny, waking in the night with him and changing his nappies, because he'd chosen to fuck off with some other woman instead of living with his responsibilities and working on the relationship like adults do (assuming OP wasn't violent or abusive to him, which doesn't seem to have been the case as it was just him childishly 'falling out of love'). He isn't a father, he's a glorified sperm donor. Fathers are there looking after tiny babies, supporting the mother, not just having their kid once they are old enough to be fun for saturday entertainment.

Wibbly so now Christians have to stay in unhappy marriages
And just because he 'found someone else' doesn't mean he cheated!
As I said up-thread I have been in a similar position to the OP, it hurt like mad that he moved on so quickly! He maintains to this day that he never cheated, but I know he had already met 'her' and I am pretty sure he knew she was interested. Maybe it's emotional cheating, not physical, I don't know!

So her son should be responsible for his mothers mental health?!

So the husband staying in a relationship he no longer want to be in would have constituted "thinking of his son"? As someone who grew up in this kind of environment, I can honestly say that the 'together for the sake of the children' argument holds no water.

As for "If he were a Christian". There are no words.

Wow, Wibbly. Are you projecting a little?

OP, I hope you are still reading. YABU and selfish not to let your son have his regular contact with his dad that week. You could quite easily come to an arrangement that suits everyone if you can discuss it like adults. For your son's sake you need to stop being so bitter.

Do not ask your son what do do. My parents split when I was 15 and both tried to use me against the other until they divorced in my tewnties. It was horrible.

Hmm... is someone projecting just a tad?

arf great minds blacktea

Wibbly possibly all of that may happened to you or someone you know but as far the OP herself has explained it does not apply here.

Wibbly you are talking nonsense.
He didn't know she was pregnant when he left her. They had a short relationship which did not lead to him making any further commitment. He had every right to have a relationship with another woman afterwards.
Given the OPs attitude and behaviour it is not surprising he did not want to remain in a relationship with her. That is hardly sociopathic behaviour really. He didn't abandon a child, he left a woman he didn't want to be in a relationship with. Since he found out about the child, he has tried hard to be a part of his life, even when the OP deliberately made it difficult for him to gain access.

It won't do the son any harm to spend alternate christmases, or to swap mid morning. It won't harm the OPs mental health either as she is a grown up who should be able to spend a few hours by herself.

Wibbly - you sound like my nan, who has "endured" her marriage for 60 years. Her attitude is very much - well I did it, so so should everyone else. That way misery lies.

Yes, he should have worked on his relationship. Love is not some magical fairy-dust hollywood shit, it's something adults work on. Also if you look on the relationships section right here, people point out that almost invariably people claiming to have 'fallen out of love' are actually cheating. Count the months- he concieved the second child when his first child was three months old. Either he's a moron who doesn't know how to use condoms until he knows he's in a stable relationship i.e. not within 6 months of meeting new partner, or he was cheating.

So all of that absolves the OP her unreasonable behaviour? Nah.

As hard as it is you have to allow your son some time with his dad at his house at christmas. Its very wrong what you are doing. Why on earth should he come to you? Your DS is not a baby anymore and he should be allowed to have him - HIS son.
Your whole post smacks of your inability to let HIM exp go. But you are going to have to eventually as what happens when your ds asks to go? Or feels he can't because of upsetting his mother.........
By the way I say all of this from your position. My 2ds are going to their dads for christmas dinner this year and as much as I will miss them I am prepared to embrace new things as its whats right for them. And yes their stepmum and sisters will be there.
Grow up springs to mind..................

Op
YANBU

I don't understand how yesterday, when you did your reverse post, everyone said YABVVVVVU.
Today, you have posedt the (correct way round round) from the other perspective and.....everyone is saying YABVVVVVU.

It really can't be both.

Your ex sounds like he wants everuthing: new life, new wife, new kids AND your DC on Xmas day. Newsflash: he doesn't get everything he wants.mhe needs to understand that just like this is not all about you, it is not all about him either.

You should be able to have Xmas Day with your little boy. If you ex wishes to see him, he can make an effort.

YANBU