Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 11:52

My partner did not want to take his ex to court when there were difficulties surrounding access. He was pretty sure she would stop him seeing his child altogether while the case was in progress. That could have been months and months of no contact with his child. Also have you seen what solicitors charge just for writing a letter?

Fortunately at that point she saw sense and things have been back to normal and quite pleasant ever since. Better for everyone involved, especially the child.

CotesduRhone · 13/12/2011 11:52

Call you selfish? OK then: you are selfish. It's clear. I don't know why you even bothered posting.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 11:52

Knickers.

There's no point saying anything useful to the loon OP.

herbietea · 13/12/2011 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LingDiLong · 13/12/2011 11:53

I didnt say he should have to ask Silverfrog, but surely most people in this situation would have a discussion about Christmas arrangements and not just assume normal visitation takes place? I know my brother and sister (both divorced) did with their respective spouses.

Problem is there are 2 normal arrangements colliding here; normal Christmas arrangement of an hourly visit at sons house, normal weekly arrangement of an overnight stay at ex's house.

Obviously I'd love to join in ripping the OP into tiny pieces but I'd like to have the full facts first in case we should also be laying into the ex.

sickoftheemails · 13/12/2011 11:53

If you are after the ex thinking well of you, this is not the way to do it. My dh had xmas restricted for 15 years and DETESTS his ex due to it...also hates xmas I might add :(

Pantofino · 13/12/2011 11:54

Yes - was exactly DID happen about the normal Sat night contact visit?

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 11:54

I'd like to have the full facts first in case we should also be laying into the ex.

I agree, Ling, bit if she had further facts to support her stance surely she'd have given them by now?

BartletForAmerica · 13/12/2011 11:56

"THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have."

What a poor wee boy to be used like a pawn in this emotionally manipulative way. YABU. This little boy isn't just yours and isn't yours to be bandied about. He should be able to enjoy alternate Christmases with his dad and his family.

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:56

the ex has already said he is not happy with the 'standard' christmas arrangement (ie the visit for an hour) - he said it last year, but OP made him come and do it anyway.

I think the ex knows he can have this or nothing. the OP is totally inflexible and controlling.

you can call it ripping to shreds if you like, it is more just saying it how it is, given the facts so far presented.

BartletForAmerica · 13/12/2011 11:57

"ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own."

What a blessing that his stepmother treats him as one of his own, despite your actions as well. I would be very thankful for her.

silverfrog · 13/12/2011 11:58

but yes, point taken that it is assumption that the ex actually wants him for Christmas.

waterrat · 13/12/2011 11:59

fabsi, I think there is a bigger issue here. What you have been through is painful , humiliating and really sad. I understand why you are still carrying lots of hurt - but you know what - who is suffering from all your anger and resentment? you are.

Why don't you decide that this christmas marks the start of a new beginning - you know that relationships end. It's hard and painful but they do - you can either carry on being angry or you can accept that things are the way they are and start to move on with your life.

You want to hold on to your anger to punish your ex - seriously, the only person being punished here is you. Your anger is burning you up - have you had any counselling to deal with what happened and help you leave it behind?

Why don't you start afresh, celebrate the fact that your ex has at least married someone who is good to your son, and accept that you and him didn't work - it didn't for whatever reason, it's not her that took him, it was him that left. and that's tough banannas, it happened, it's over.

Make new friends, start new hobbies, plan some adventures - look for happiness of your own.

And, as everyone here says - drop the anger and let your ex have your son as normal, christmas eve and christmas morning, then have the warm glow of being a good person however much it hurts. plan something lovely for yourself with friends and family, have a cry if you want...it's one goddamn morning...just do it....it will help you accept that life is different now...

AbbyAbsinthe · 13/12/2011 12:01

My ds (6) has to spend Xmas Eve & Xmas morning with his dad this year as I had him last year. Do you think I want him to go? Of course I don't. But it's what's fair and just. Have you even considered that?

None of any of this is about your ds - it's all about you - and the fact that you've been holding onto this anger, bitterness resentment and hatred for what, 5 or 6 YEARS??

Seriously love, you need to move on and start thinking of someone else other than yourself for a change.

This thread has really pissed me off actually.

TandB · 13/12/2011 12:01

OP, it is crystal clear from your posts that one of the reasons you won't allow your son to go to his father's house on Christmas Day is in order to force his father to come to your house because you think you are entitled to some time with him - your comment about his wife having him every other day is very telling.

You share a son with this man - you don't share the man with his wife. He left you and it is clear that you are still horribly sad about it, but he has moved on in a fairly wholesale way and the only thing left is for you to do the same. At the moment you are using your child as a pawn in a long-running and very sad game with your ex.

The only fair and unselfish thing to do is to allow your son some time with his other family members on Christmas Day. Why not let him have his Saturday night and arrange for him to be dropped back to you before lunch?

I suspect you won't budge on this issue so I can only hope that your ex is more reasonable and doesn't dig his own heels in over the visiting on Christmas Day issue. Even if one parent isn't acting fully in the child's best interests, hopefully the other one will do so.

wannaBe · 13/12/2011 12:03

I despise women like you who use their children as pawns in their pathetic little attempts to get back at the ex.

He is not your plaything or your possession - he is a child - an individual in his own right. This is not about what you want, none of it - this is about what is in the best interests of this child, and you deciding that you don't want him away from you on Christmas day is not in the best interests of this child. He has a father, and siblings, with whom he has the right to have an equal relationship as he does with you.

I hope your ex goes to court and applies for 50-50 parenting and I hope he gets it. You make me sick.

AbbyAbsinthe · 13/12/2011 12:05

I really don't know what you expected to hear on this thread tbh.

Loads of us are lone parents, divorced parents, step-parents.... we can all see things from someone else's point of view sometimes - this thread looks like you're getting a battering, but honestly, you are being totally unreasonable. Sadly, I don't think you'll ever see that though.

xPAULAx · 13/12/2011 12:06

You talk a lot about what YOU would like your son to do. What about what your son wants? I think you need to think less of how this affects you and more about your boy. You all need to grow up.

wannaBe · 13/12/2011 12:10

abbey I think the op thought she would get pages and pages of "of course yanbu, your ex is a prick and the dw is clearly a bitch," esp given she'd already posted the little reverse ibu from the bitch new wife perspective... Hmm

JumpOnIt · 13/12/2011 12:10

I definitely think that some of the comments on this thread are completely lacking in tact however

YABU.

Your ex isn't your partner and he doesn't have to spend any time with you at all. You are being terribly selfish in demanding your ex visit you on Christmas day. Your son is missing out on time he would clearly enjoy. I am a step mum on the other side of this argument. My DH walks round to his ex wife's house just before lunch, has a drink with her and gives her her pressy and then brings his DS round here for a couple of hours. DSS gets his presents, plays with his half sister for a bit which he loves because she adores her big brother and then when he's had enough, my ex takes him back round. We are lucky in that we live so close together and I know that not everyone is in the same boat but you have to make the effort for your son. You risk him coming to his own conclusions when he gets older.

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 12:12

Sage words as ever from Sensei kungfu, there.

rainbow2000 · 13/12/2011 12:14

I think the day is coming when you will be on your own cause your ds will have had enough.And you will sit and be bitter and blame everyone else but yourself.
Your ds has a second family that loves him that should bring joy to your heart.But no its all about you not your ds.
Who will have his say sooner than you think.

Adversecamber · 13/12/2011 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenrollo · 13/12/2011 12:19

do you know what's crap? spending Christmas Eve in a house without an excited child bouncing around and leaving cookies and milk out for Santa. Do you know what else is crap? Not being woken up on Christmas morning by an excited child, but instead waking up to a quiet house and crying because it just doesn't feel like Christmas Day.
Do you know what's great? Getting your child just after lunch time and seeing them glowing at what fun they had with Daddy on Xmas Eve/Morning. Listening to your child tell you about all the great presents they got and what games they have played.
Doing 'Christmas Eve' all over again and having 'Christmas No2' on Boxing Day.

This year is my turn to have DS Christmas Eve/Morning. I'm really looking forward to it. Last year was bloody hard.

But what I have is a child who is happy and well adjusted and is looking forward to spending Christmas Day with both of his parents.

It's beyond shit not being with your child on Christmas Eve/Morning but a parent who has their child's best interests at heart swallows the anger, and bitterness and resentment and the fear of being alone at Christmas to give their child the best Christmas possible and in my view that means sharing the joy of Christmas across both families.

AbbyAbsinthe · 13/12/2011 12:19

Yes, I read that yesterday. It was told differently then, however. It was as if the 'new' wife was preventing the dh seeing his son on Xmas day, when the fact is completely different.

My parents split when I was 4, and from that day, we had Xmas day with my mum and Boxing day with my dad. It was all good and we got 2 lots of Xmas day and presents Grin

Can't you consider something like that, OP? I suspect not, because there is an underlying feeling that this is more about you seeing your XP more than anything else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread